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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 28, 2018 15:44:31 GMT -5
footballbatIn most people's circumstances, I could see how a sexual relationship on the side may lead to catching feelings. However, as an ex-sex worker, and avid slut from the time I was 13, I am 100% certain that is not a problem I will encounter. I have had many ongoing sexual relationships without getting any feelings for that person, other than a friendship. But thank you for your two cents.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 17:57:50 GMT -5
If I decide in done with my marriage, I'm going to the next one that's happening within driving distance. That and the next rigging lessons. You could go ahead and go. It is not cheating. It is meeting up with a group of potential friends, they just happen to be kinky. 😉
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The Letter
Feb 27, 2018 16:14:09 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 16:14:09 GMT -5
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 14:50:25 GMT -5
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 14:15:20 GMT -5
To be clear, I also read him "The Letter", and a few other things I wrote over the last two weeks to be perfectly transparent in my actions and thoughts. Our relationship can not be based on lies or hiding things from each other.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 14:11:55 GMT -5
Did you really say, 'I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such' ? What a deal. Yes I did. I was completely honest and upfront about my involvement in the Fetlife community and seeking a playmate. I am going to a munch to meet several people next Monday at a resteraunt near our house. He immediately agreed to take me there and pick me up, no resistance. Like I said, he understands.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 13:23:47 GMT -5
DryCreekI don't think he is indifferent. I think he is "deer in headlights" or better yet, "fainting goat" - knows there is danger but his brain makes him too scared to do anything about it. It is not much of a consequence, since he met me when I was a sex worker and was okay with it then, but I am seeking sex elsewhere, and he has to live with that, and I think he fears his family finding out, because he wants to be seen as "normal". What he gets is I don't leave. He is a very nice and trusting man, whom has done so much to help people in the past, and has almost always gotten screwed over, and as soon as they got what they wanted from him, they left. I too, have had this happen to me many times. Well, I am not going to leave. We are just going to have a differnt dynamic than is socially acceptable. While others may not understand the dynamic, or consider it healthy, we will find what works for us, even if others think it is weird. I love him, he is a good man and a great father, and unlike everyone else in my life that kicked me out and abandoned me, he hasn't. So I can not do that to him. And he really is trying, but at 50 years old with no idea of how to change his crippling notions, I think him agreeing to allow me to seek what I need elsewhere while he stays home with the baby is the best option for now. I am content with that.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 27, 2018 12:01:08 GMT -5
This is going to be long...
Well, we went to the counselors offive yesterday, and it went about as expected. Two weeks ago, at our last session, she told him he needed to write out an apology letter to me for the last two years of intimate rejection, because I have a lot of resentmemt built up around these last two years. It's been very painful for me.
I know he is somewhere on the spectrum, I would think almost anyone that has seen Autism could spot the signs in him, but I have been very patient, and I have my own needs. He is very similar to Sheldon in many ways, they share a near obsession in trains, only instead of string theory he knows cars, and planes, and tons of random details. Hhe is extremely intelligent, but very emotionally deficient, in intimate relationships anyway.
He chose not to make any time in the last two weeks to write the apology letter, even though I reminded him about it last weekend. He is the type of person that if he knows he needs to do something, he usually does it immediately.
His excuse was that he is not a good writer like I am. Nor can he TALK about matters like this very well. So if talking about it is too difficult, and writing it out is too difficult, then it is just too difficult for him to try to repair our situation at this time.
The counselor and I recommended he see a sex therapist. He has some emotional hangups due to his ex wife, true, but he has shown an unwillingness to get outside of his comfort zone and work through those problems. We also believe that due to his excessive porn use in the past, and lack of real relationships(his ex wife was his only actual relationshio before me, and it was a very unhealthy one, she uses him just to become a citizen and only had sex with him a few times while they were married, and she would stay gone for days getting wasted sleeping with other men) that it has warped his idea of what a relationship should be like.
The statement that made this the most clear, was when I asked him why he said I took a long time to cum. I asked him to give me an estimate in minutes how long this "long time" was. He said five minutes. The counselor then informed him the average woman takes closer to thirty minutes to orgasm, and he needs to fix his idea of "five minutes is too difficult to try".
He is a wonderful man, and I know he thinks he is trying hard, but he needs to try harder. The last few months, he has not done any of the homework the counselor gives us. We go, I vent, he listens, and she gives us assignments to complete. I do, he does not. We go home and everything is back to normal in his mind. Because he is on the spectrum, I have been more than patient, but I have to get my needs met. They have been disregarded for too long.
I explained I am not going to leave him, but I am seeking a side lover, and will be meeting up for munches and such. He said that is fine, if that is what I need, he loves me and he understands.
The rest of the day went well.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 21:43:54 GMT -5
What is the aim of this letter ? What are you expecting as an outcome ? If it is simply a vent, then fair enough. If I was the recipient of this letter, I dunno what I'd make of it - but the bit where it says - "I'll never leave you" is the bit that I'd hang my hat on. If I had been starting to get a bit worried as the letter unfolded, that bit would re-assure me. I think the aim of this letter is saying, "It has been two years without sex. That has genuinely hurt me. And I apologize if it hurts you that I need to start fucking someone else, that is not the intent. The intent is to do what you won't. I have needs.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 15:32:27 GMT -5
I like your letter. Especially the ending, whether you are serious or not. Once I told my wife I joined a dating site, though I didn't care to do much. I wanted to get a response to gauge her feelings. It's like probing with a digital multimeter. Thank you,and the ending is dead serious. I am fucking someone else before the month is over.
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 15:27:10 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 15:27:10 GMT -5
WindSister said it perfectly regarding hesitating on commenting on posts like this because I don't know you personally nor the intricate dynamics in your marriage. I started writing a response earlier then deleted it due to this exact thing. But I want to echo the comments regarding the passive aggressiveness. While you have every right to feel and express that, maybe a more effective way to communicate is by being completely direct with him. (Example below.) Because do you truly feel "sorry" about some of these things? I am hoping the answer is no since they are not things you had control over. Suggested editing similar to this: Â Â Â Â My expectation was for us to be in a sexual relationship but it seems clear that you prefer to be asexual. Â Â Â Â I regret trying so hard and allowing myself to be so vulnerable by putting myself out there so much and so often. The other striking thing was the phrase: "I will never leave you". Is this true? And if so, what motivation does he have to try to change his behavior? Basically, his only motivation is that I will be fucking other people. If that is not enough, so be it. Part of me really believes that is how he would prefer things anyway.
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 14:08:47 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 14:08:47 GMT -5
I'd recommend you read this and see if it would help you. If it would help you with the format of your letter.If it would help you with your emotions knowing you are not alone and there is a new you to say hello too as you say goodbye to the past. Tweek it and correct it, then send it. be ready to back it up. be ready to end the marriage with a divorce. iliasm.org/thread/3633/working-grief-saying-goodbyeJust a few suggestions about your current letter. keep it for yourself. it's truthful and honest. use it as a reference a couple of seasons from now to evaluate your progress. 2 things strike me as "difficult" 1) the "I am sorry". You could have just as well said "I am sorry "to have married a mistake. he could easily, only, see you taking all the blame, when it IS HIS PROBLEM not yours. 2) Like I said before "I will never leave you". All that does is give him a "get out of jail free card". Eliminate that from your thinking. He left you. he left the marriage. He cheated on the marriage. Make him own it! You deserve much better. No, i am not going to leave him. It would not be a wise choice for many many many reasons. Our relationship started out quite a complicated one. I was originally a sex worker and he my client. Even then, he was very reserved sexually. He knows it is all his problem. Even the counselor has told him the issue is HIM. And she has discussed with him that I may possibly go back to doing my own thing sexually, and he did not seem too fazed by it. For three years we lived together and we were just friends, I was a sex worker, and had a stting of lovers on tge side, and he watched porn before we became a couple that immediately became sexless after i quickly became pregnant, and now two years we have been sexless. He will understand the letter fairly well. But thank yoi for your input.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 12:25:00 GMT -5
tiredoftears, it is a good letter and no one with a heart could fail to be moved by it. Is that the first time you have said anything to him about finding a lover? If it is, might it be better to do it face to face? Big thing to drop like that. Thank you. And no it is not the first time. I told him a month ago at counseling if he did not start making an effort, come valentines day i would. I reminded him again two weeks ago. And at our counseling session monday i told him he has still failed to make an effort, she told him he has still made no effort as well, and i told them both i would be fucking somebody before months end.
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The Letter
Feb 14, 2018 11:31:25 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 11:31:25 GMT -5
Please tell me your thoughts on the letter my fellow sexless friends, so I can make adjustments if fitting.
Thank you.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 14, 2018 11:27:55 GMT -5
I wrote him this letter. I will give it to him Friday, simce today is Valentines and tomorrow is his birthday.
The counselor said we were supposed to write each other letters. I forgot what about. But this is the letter I think I should write.
This is what I was hoping last month when you said you needed to get started planning something, pertaining to me saying I was not going to have a third sexless Valentine's Day in a row, when I am supposed to be in a relationship...
I had hoped maybe you would get someone to babysit Max for a few hours, and we could go to a motel, and we could have a few hours to play around with sex, you know.... I had hoped you would make an EFFORT.
But last night was the eye opener. Tuesday night. I asked you if you read the articles I sent you that day. You said, yes, all three of them. I was worried I sent you an extra article to read, because I know one was very long, and went to check in my phone. I said "You had meant three including the one from yesterday".
Your discomfort become obvious from the look on your face. And you quickly changed the subject to Max. I was shattered. The counselor said we need to start talking about this at home, and once again, I tried to, only to be shut down. Every time I try I am putting myself out there, being vulnerable, but I cannot keep being the only one to do that. And I will not keep doing it.
So I changed the subject from Max to your birthday plans, you settled on tri-tip, and then I told you not to buy me anything for Valentine's Day.
I did not want you to buy me anything because I cannot stomach another meaningless gesture.
I apologize for expecting that of you. I should know by now, that is not what you want.
I feel I must apologize for a lot to you now.
I am sorry for pushing you to be intimate with me all these years, when that is not what you wanted.
I am sorry for expecting more from you than you were ready or willing to give.
I am sorry for expecting you to change, when you kept trying to show me that is not what you wanted.
I am sorry for pushing you to get counseling, when you obviously did not want to.
I am sorry for expecting you to be in a sexual relationship with me when you would clearly prefer to be asexual.
I am sorry for trying so hard.
I am sorry I allowed myself to be so vulnerable.
I am sorry for putting myself out there so much and so often.
I am sorry for trying to fix things, because although to me it is terribly broken, to you it is a smooth running clock.
I am sorry for leading you to believe things were ok when they very much were NOT.
I am sorry I cannot be who you want or need, and I am sorry I have not been able to figure out HOW to be who you want or need.
If you decide you want things to change, then you can do what you see fit about it.
Like I said before, I will never leave you.
I need to be wanted and desired.
For now, I am going to find myself a lover, maybe just a one time fling, maybe ongoing, I havent decided yet.
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