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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 23:22:08 GMT -5
hopingforachangeHe watches soft vanilla type porn mostly. Shit that I find boring. HandyIt is not an ED problem. DryCreekNo... It doesn't motivate me to do anything different... I don't think? Can you give me an example of what you thought of in that question? cagedadventurerThank you for the compliment. jamesbondingWhile that may have been helpful advice in the last, I have actually killed any desire I had for him, and accept a platonic relationship. I am anxiously awaiting the pandemic to ease up, or a vaccine to be created or something so I don't fear a hookup with a rando. blueguyYeah, I prefer being with an actual person too... But to each their own, I guess? baza"He doesn't appear to have the skill set, the motivation, the orientation, or most importantly, the desire to be a suitable person for you to have a sexual relationship with." Thank you. You are right. He's not a bad guy, he's a really great guy. He just.... Needs to figure out a label to give me peace of mind. I know he's different, and I'm fine with that, as long as I'm not being lied to, and I have some way to title what he and I are, or what his sexual orientation is. Pretty sure he's a pornosexual, and that's fine, if he's just honest with me.
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Last night
Jul 12, 2020 23:10:17 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 23:10:17 GMT -5
It will be tempting, even as you come to terms with the truth that you have uttered, to blame the porn. As if compelling him to quit porn will somehow restore some sexual balance back to you - like porn is "the other woman" and if she just goes away - it's all eyes on you again. I see your note slipping back to that even as you write the words, "So.... It's just that I'M not what he wants." Lots of people look at porn AND have sex with their spouses. I imagine lots of people neither look at porn, nor have sex with their spouses. Just as lots of people also look at porn and don't have sex with their spouses. Porn's been around in various forms for a long time. Across that same time, lots of people have also managed to have sex with their spouses. I'd say you are correct in using the discovery to observe that he does indeed have a libido. It isn't directed at you, and I'm sorry for that. You mentioned that he doesn't have sex with you. Isn't that also a kind of accidental honesty? It sounds like it's something that you want and that is available, and he has a libido, and evidence of it. I'm not trying to be insensitive about this - it's just that so often people keep returning to the corpse and asking it questions, when it clearly has a bullet in its head. It's unlikely that your husband is going to give you a pat explanation for his absence from your romantic relationship - he likely isn't all that aware of the forensics himself. But in terms of what you are dealing with right now - how he feels about you - isn't that evident enough for you to come to terms irrespective of his explanation? What do you need to know that you don't right now? I need to know how to explain our relationship to any future relationships I may have. We're staying together, I just need an easy way to explain. If I could just say "he's a cuckold" or "he's a pornosexual" it's just a hell of a lot easier than explaining out whole weird past situation and leaving them to get to their own assumptions, and getting a bunch of questions I don't know how to answer.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 14:29:56 GMT -5
Last night was bad.
I find out, my partner, who I THOUGHT had zero desire, just turns out to have zero desire FOR ME. He still watches porn often and masturbates.
So.... It's just that I'M not what he wants.
I found out because he gave his old cell phone to our kid to use to play with the Star Wars Droids app, and all these notifications started popping up. I sent him this text:
"So, a million notifications started popping up, and it popped up on this old phone, that your xhamster password changed twenty hours ago, in the list at the top of the screen. I did not go digging for info, nor did I read the emails.
Care to have an adult conversation about this later?
I don't know the details but already, I am brokenhearted. Because I am thinking, again, you are hiding things from me, or you never quit to begin with, but either way, it is not that you don't have any desire, you just don't have any desire for ME. And I'm hurt by that thought, I think mainly because you just won't be honest, so I can come to some kind of terms with it.
We can discuss it later."
The way I see it, if he won't touch me, he don't need to be touching himself either. Plus - he has lied to me, for who knows how long. When we were in couples therapy, he promised to quit watching porn, so that maybe of all his sexual energy wasn't on porn(like two fucking hours a day back then), he would have sexual energy for me.
Needless to say, he never got sexual energy for me. I am assuming, he never quit like he said he did. He claims to have quit for almost a year, but I don't believe that. He just found out how to be sneaky. I don't fucking sneak. I am honest with him about everything. This breaks my heart, truly, it does.
We talked. Basically, I gather he's just solo-sexual, or asexual, or pornosexual, idk... I can only assume. I told him to figure it out and give me an answer by next Sunday. I cannot feel I am in a healthy relationship if there are lies and secrets.
He said a sexual relationship is just "too difficult" and he's "not good at it". He also said, "I don't get jealous of your relationships with other people." Currently, I don't have any, because there is a fucking pandemic, and I never would have started trying to form relationships with other people if he wasn't completely closed off in all intimate ways, emotional and physical. Yeah...
I couldn't even have a random booty call if I wanted to, without worrying that I am jeopardizing the health of my entire family.
I don't lie or keep secrets, I don't want him to be either.
Sigh. I'm tired of this fucking pandemic. I'm tired of being so fucking lonely.
I'm tired of not getting fucked.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jun 18, 2020 20:34:06 GMT -5
JMX I completely relate to that. I, myself, am lucky I am a stay at home mom, and don't have to worry about how wet my bottoms get, I can change my clothing as needed. Always super friggin horny, always super friggin wet.... I slide with you, my slug sister.
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Post by tiredoftears on Apr 15, 2020 10:04:09 GMT -5
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Post by tiredoftears on Oct 5, 2019 16:01:57 GMT -5
Funny. We’ll be heading to Disney World next week. We go at least once a year. W loves it and knows I could do without it. I’ve often thought about how she gets to go to her happy place while I never see mine. We’re going with all my in-laws. W’s oldest brother is a bigger Disney freak than W is. His exW left him for another man. I’ve always wondered about that... Yeah, in November, we are going to the drag races in Pomona, something he loves. I have no interest in racing, but I go with him, and used to watch with him,and cheer.... to be supportive of something he enjoys. I stopped watching it with him a few months, maybe up to a year ago. After we go this year, I am telling him I'm not going anymore, and pointedly saying it's because we don't fuck. It doesn't benefit me at all to go to the races. He can take our kid for company.
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Post by tiredoftears on Oct 3, 2019 3:12:26 GMT -5
Hopingforachange, I respectfully disagree. We, neither, gave any credence to, whatever, our wedding vows were. The silly ceremony was just what was necessary to legalize the marriage in Dillon, SC (South of the Border) when we married. We simply drove down there from where we lived in NC because it was the quickest and easiest way to get sleeping together legal. And I don't think that sex is necessarily an obligation in a relationship. There are just times that one or the other just isn't ready. So I don't think my wife has broken any vows or obligations. I do, however, question her not suggesting some kind of open marriage. I know that, the situation being reversed, I would. But unless, and until, she did make the suggestion, in complete honesty, I'm just not interested in finding a FWB. I really don't want to cheat on her, I'd prefer cheating with her. I'd want the other woman to know that she knows. For me, perfect would be, another couple in the same situation but it being the husband no longer interested. And in a Utopian world, my wife and the other husband could also be friends and maybe take off down to Disney for the day while the other wife and I have our private time. That sounds lovely.
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 29, 2019 23:22:37 GMT -5
Fulloftears: what’s so wonderful about your current relationship that you’d rather die than leave him? Given your name here, Eve. Though you’re had worse relationships, your current one seems miserable. But it’s better than being alone? Some things just can't be explained, like why I'd rather stay, but yes, it is better than being alone.
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Lovethrob
Sept 29, 2019 12:28:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Sept 29, 2019 12:28:58 GMT -5
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 28, 2019 23:15:06 GMT -5
Why can't you again? Money? Child? It's just not going to happen. Never leaving him because there's no sex. I've had WAYYYYY worse relationships, and I've been through so much hardship in life. I couldn't ever bring myself to leave him. I'd die first.
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 28, 2019 14:35:09 GMT -5
Maybe I should tell him he has to find a male prostitute for me, so at least I don't have to deal with the annoyance of people's shitty personalities. Business transactions are better than these messy one night stands. Since he won't do it.... and I just cannot live without sex. A few posts back you stated you would like to find someone to move in with you and your H to make intimacy more spontaneous and to get away from having to go out looking so often. Have you actually given the process any real thought? I mean , how are you thinking of approaching such a goal? Would a business approach be something to consider. By that I mean thinking in terms of the 3rd person in your household along the lines of a business partner. Marriage is sort of a business isn't it? If you had a hardware store and you wanted to add another partner what traits or characteristics would you look for? Could the same mindset work toward finding the 3rd person you referred to and get you away from the 1 night stands? That is an interesting thought. Yes, that is still something I am thinking on. I think it is something that would take a long while to achieve, and I need something now. This whole business is just frustrating, and though we don't argue or fight, I often imagine myself hitting him. Just random thoughts of punching him in the face, or with a shovel or something.... Ugh. I kinda gave up on FetLife for the moment, and got an account with HER. I'm just..... Sooooo frustrated. Ideas sound great on paper. In real life shit is just sucky.
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 28, 2019 10:45:31 GMT -5
Tired oftears, you’d probably raise your chances of finding quality sex partners if you dumped your refuser and moved on. Can't do that.
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 28, 2019 0:30:22 GMT -5
Maybe I should tell him he has to find a male prostitute for me, so at least I don't have to deal with the annoyance of people's shitty personalities. Business transactions are better than these messy one night stands. Since he won't do it.... and I just cannot live without sex.
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 28, 2019 0:22:29 GMT -5
ironhamster I am 100% with you that there is an epidemic of people over identifying with their pain. It is seriously getting worse in our country! (Mark Manson has a great take on this if anyone is interested in thinking more about it) Also I 100% disagree with you about venting vs solutions. They both are needed! As kids we are all taught to suppress or get over our emotions. Unexpressed feelings can lead to bad judgment when those unresolved feelings are still there. Sometimes people just need to get it out so they can move on. Same is true with getting frustrated at work. Quite agree. I need to get it out. I am definitely over identifying with my pain. I keep having random hookups.... And it doesn't feel good. Seven people since March last year. Last week was an infuriating encounter with some rando whom I will never see or speak to again. Absolutely infuriating. The person was beyond annoying and kept suggesting we have unprotected sex(not happening) and was all about their pleasure and.... Ugh. Long ass story. I shouldn't have to keep doing this in order to have just a sex life. I don't WANT just a sex life - I want A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP! Why is that so hard for him to have with me? On the plus side, I now know for sure why I get so tired so often, it's not just because I am sad and lazy. There is something wrong with my heart, and the cardiologist can't schedule me till November. My primary doctor did an electrocardiogram, and said it seems like it could be something serious, not to do anything strenuous, and I may need a pacemaker or something.... So since I am verifiably sick, he's been a tad more affectionate..... Nothing as intimately close as a hug, but I have gotten some hand holding and he stroked the back of my neck for a while while I was curled in a fetal position from cramps. (insert sarcastic Yay! here)
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 26, 2019 15:34:27 GMT -5
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