thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by thefire24 on Oct 5, 2018 23:17:55 GMT -5
Feeling really down about everything tonight. I keep telling myself something will change. But I have no idea what will spark the change or why I even still have hope for change. There’s is no hint that anything will be better. If there wasn’t family and kids involved would I even try? Would you?
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Post by mescaline on Oct 5, 2018 23:51:27 GMT -5
I agree, I have no hope of change. If there weren't children involved I would've left long ago. I think now my responsibility to the kids is much more important than anything I feel or have felt for my wife. It's sad but I'm playing the longer game.
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Post by baza on Oct 6, 2018 0:33:31 GMT -5
Deciding to stay is a perfectly legitimate choice Brother thefire24 . A choice that as of today you perceive to be in your best short term interests (and maybe in your long term best interests too) In regard to your question - "What would (you) do ?" - I reckon that back in the day, had I perceived staying to be in my best longer term interests, then that's what I'd have done too. In fact, now as I look back, that's exactly what I DID do. But there came a time when it was NOT in my best long term interests to stay. So I left.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 7, 2018 10:06:04 GMT -5
If there wasn’t kids involved I would not stay as long as I can support myself after a divorce.
I understand staying because of kids and money at the end of the day you have to pay the bills and provide for your children.
In regards to hope - my POV : it’s a waste of time to hope that someone will change and want to have sex with you. There are exceptions but most people don’t change.
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Post by flashjohn on Oct 8, 2018 15:54:31 GMT -5
Feeling really down about everything tonight. I keep telling myself something will change. But I have no idea what will spark the change or why I even still have hope for change. There’s is no hint that anything will be better. If there wasn’t family and kids involved would I even try? Would you? If I had not had kids, I would have left my refuser in 1991. At that time, she had been horribly abusive for 3 years.
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rich
New Member
Married for 40 fucking years and six more.
Posts: 11
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by rich on Nov 15, 2018 4:31:11 GMT -5
History has a lot to do with choosing to stay. My wife and I have a long history. If I left, I wouldn't want to find another relationship, so why leave?
On October 30th, 2018 we had a serious discussion and that was the day she made it clear that there would be no more sex and she was happy about it. I didn't agree about being happy about it, as much as she tried to get me to.
Within a few days she was back to her happy self as though the discussion had never happened.
Now, you may ask, why wouldn't I think of leaving her? It's because she'd be crushed and I've always wanted to make her happy. Damn, am I a total fool?
And I will always remember that date along with other anniversary dates
February 4, 1972 Our first date
February 6, 1972 Our first time having intercourse
October 30, 2018 The last time we will ever discuss having intercourse again
April 29, 2012 Our last time having intercourse
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Post by baza on Nov 16, 2018 17:34:35 GMT -5
Just as a sidebar - relevant to the "my spouse would be crushed if we parted" arguement. There's not a real lot of evidence (in this group) to support this view. Some examples....the spouses of northstarmom , bballgirl , greatcoastal , shamwow , nyartgal , merrygoround to name just a handful. The spouses of these members (after the initial shock) don't appear to have been crushed by the event in any long term sense. Indeed they seem to have conducted their lives quite satisfactorily after divorcing. That's not to suggest you ought make a charge for the exit, just making the point that - in this group - there is very little evidence that your spouse would be *crushed* were the ILIASM deal be ended.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 16, 2018 18:26:05 GMT -5
Just as a sidebar - relevant to the "my spouse would be crushed if we parted" arguement. There's not a real lot of evidence (in this group) to support this view. Some examples....the spouses of northstarmom , bballgirl , greatcoastal , shamwow , nyartgal , merrygoround to name just a handful. The spouses of these members (after the initial shock) don't appear to have been crushed by the event in any long term sense. Indeed they seem to have conducted their lives quite satisfactorily after divorcing. That's not to suggest you ought make a charge for the exit, just making the point that - in this group - there is very little evidence that your spouse would be *crushed* were the ILIASM deal be ended. Truth
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 18, 2018 20:08:47 GMT -5
History has a lot to do with choosing to stay. My wife and I have a long history. If I left, I wouldn't want to find another relationship, so why leave? On October 30th, 2018 we had a serious discussion and that was the day she made it clear that there would be no more sex and she was happy about it. I didn't agree about being happy about it, as much as she tried to get me to. Within a few days she was back to her happy self as though the discussion had never happened. Now, you may ask, why wouldn't I think of leaving her? It's because she'd be crushed and I've always wanted to make her happy. Damn, am I a total fool? And I will always remember that date along with other anniversary dates February 4, 1972 Our first date February 6, 1972 Our first time having intercourse October 30, 2018 The last time we will ever discuss having intercourse again April 29, 2012 Our last time having intercourse October 30, 2018, the day she declared monogomy part of the wedding vows, null and void. Thus releasing you to find sex else where.
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rich
New Member
Married for 40 fucking years and six more.
Posts: 11
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by rich on Nov 19, 2018 2:54:40 GMT -5
Hopingforachange, I respectfully disagree. We, neither, gave any credence to, whatever, our wedding vows were. The silly ceremony was just what was necessary to legalize the marriage in Dillon, SC (South of the Border) when we married. We simply drove down there from where we lived in NC because it was the quickest and easiest way to get sleeping together legal.
And I don't think that sex is necessarily an obligation in a relationship. There are just times that one or the other just isn't ready. So I don't think my wife has broken any vows or obligations.
I do, however, question her not suggesting some kind of open marriage. I know that, the situation being reversed, I would. But unless, and until, she did make the suggestion, in complete honesty, I'm just not interested in finding a FWB. I really don't want to cheat on her, I'd prefer cheating with her. I'd want the other woman to know that she knows. For me, perfect would be, another couple in the same situation but it being the husband no longer interested. And in a Utopian world, my wife and the other husband could also be friends and maybe take off down to Disney for the day while the other wife and I have our private time.
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Post by Handy on Nov 19, 2018 3:25:10 GMT -5
Rich For me, perfect would be, another couple in the same situation but it being the husband no longer interested. And in a Utopian world, my wife and the other husband could also be friends and maybe take off down to Disney for the day while the other wife and I have our private time.
Rich, a lot of people would LIKE that type of situation. Some problems would be You like the OW but would your W like the OM.
There are used car lots for people wanting something different but not new, there re car rental agencies for people needing a vehicle. I suppose something like Ashley Madison exists for short term trades/swaps, but I wouldn't know where to find a, for lack of a better term "short term trading spouses" business.
The second part is you would be OK with what you describe but would your current W be OK with the swap and what would prevent temporary one from just doing a more involved or permanent swap.
I see ads on Craig's List wanting to swap some guns for a pickup truck. Barter adds a significant amount of complication to the buy-sell experience. If the gun for truck deal was only temporary, who decides how long temporary is.
Maybe this theoretical guy want to take your W on several Disney trips but his W wants to visit her grand children and not you?
I want to find a woman to be a FWB whose H ignores her but I don't have any hopes of it ever happening. What you wish for sounds fair on an intellectual lever (the on paper thing) but people have unpredictable feelings that drive behaviors and logic goes out the window.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 19, 2018 4:33:06 GMT -5
Some thoughts on spouse swapping: Find a swingers club, not necessarily to join and participate, but just to get to know some of the members, who might be able to introduce other couples who would be interested in swapping. OK Cupid and other dating sites. Just say what you're looking for in your profile.
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Post by h on Nov 19, 2018 10:36:51 GMT -5
Hopingforachange, I respectfully disagree. We, neither, gave any credence to, whatever, our wedding vows were. The silly ceremony was just what was necessary to legalize the marriage in Dillon, SC (South of the Border) when we married. We simply drove down there from where we lived in NC because it was the quickest and easiest way to get sleeping together legal. And I don't think that sex is necessarily an obligation in a relationship. There are just times that one or the other just isn't ready. So I don't think my wife has broken any vows or obligations. Based on your first paragraph, it looks like you got married specifically for sex. If sex wasn't expected, there was no reason to get married. Sex was an integral part of the agreement to get married. That means that sex IS an obligation that you both made willingly to each other. Her removing sex from the relationship without your consent IS breaking the original intent of the agreement. If monogamy/fidelity is expected then a reasonable amount of sex is also expected. Now you have to decide if you want to call her out for it and demand change or accept the broken agreement and continue living with it. Change may end up looking like many different things, but if nothing changes, you already know what the rest of your life will look like.
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Post by Handy on Nov 19, 2018 13:44:51 GMT -5
What h said, +1.
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rich
New Member
Married for 40 fucking years and six more.
Posts: 11
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by rich on Nov 20, 2018 3:28:00 GMT -5
Sex without mutual consent is really nothing more than rape. I would never want sex with a partner who didn't also want it.
And, sure, I did agree to marriage so I could sleep with my young girlfriend. Honestly, if she'd have agreed, I would have gladly just moved her in without the rings. But, even if we'd never married and were still just living together after 46 years, I wouldn't be trading her off just because she's no longer interested in sex, at least with me.
And we have discussed it and, no, I won't give her an ultimatum. We're still good friends and I won't treat a friend like that. Now, honestly, we are friends but no longer lovers. I stopped loving her not long after our intimacy ended.
I've thought about the fact that this might be what I'm looking at for the rest of my life. Now the good news is that I'm 70 and there probably aren't that many more years to go.
I look back and remember how much I loved my seven years in the military. I loved jumping out of airplanes. I loved being in hostile countries. I loved getting into fights. I loved all of those wonderfully dangerous adventures. But I survived losing that greatest love of my life 45 years ago and I'll survive losing this second love of my life. But I do still have a best friend.
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