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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 13:41:55 GMT -5
Well, he’s back. He left to take some classes and enjoy a less allergenic climate for a couple of months. In the meantime I finished our move off the big farm to a hobby farm size place. On Friday morning he finally got home. I got a quick hug and a peck on the lips. Since then he has not touched me or had anything nice to say. The dogs have gotten far more affection than I have. I’ve tried to reach out but only halfheartedly. I also suggested we go out to celebrate his return and he just grunted at me. I took it to mean no. On Saturday I sat him down and told him I’ve been depressed and it has been a struggle to handle everything (moving, livestock, summer school, helping my Mom move as well.) I didn’t blame him for anything or even mention our relationship. I just told him how worn down I feel and that I need to put some energy into personal maintenance before school starts again. He had no response to that at the time but yesterday something set him off. The neighbor had come over and mowed a few times when I wasn’t here, trying to be helpful. Apparently he ran into the wheel rim H’s brand new truck. I was blamed for allowing it to happen and from there he just kept going and brought up the things I’d said on Saturday. He told me I have no reason to be depressed and he’s offended that I would even say so. He accused me of being “part of the entitlement generation,” having distain for nice things (the truck) and that he “has a lot of hate” for me because I was not enough help to him when he was getting ready for his trip. From there he went on yelling and spitting for about half an hour, which is brief for him. He suggested I drop out of school if I can’t handle it. I’m handling it fine, actually, and it is about the only thing keeping me sane. This is a very minor incident compared to things in the past. I know it seems silly, but it is just always something and I never know what it will be. Anyway, I’ve tried to journal here and post more about my situation a bunch of times but it always ends up a jumble. Maybe when I’m in a better frame of mind I’ll be able to pare it down to something sensible. Right now I’m just worn out. Small tasks feel insurmountable and I keep waiting for another bomb to go off. I spent last night alone in bed crying and texting with friend (he’s a bit more than just a friend.) He’s been through his own similar situation. He said to go look in the mirror and ask myself if I’ve done everything that I can and if so to just walk away. It seems like there is always one more thing or one more time that I can try. Does anyone ever know they’ve done everything possible? When is it ever just enough? Today I was ready to march straight to the lawyer and file for divorce. I’m afraid that if I wait I will waver but if I do it now I might shoot myself in the foot. My plan is only half done and not yet fully workable. Hi Laura, no advice, just that I empathize. I've had similar conversations (especially the "Why did you let this happen?"). I hope you are able to take the next step - whatever that happens to be - soon.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 9, 2017 11:58:02 GMT -5
Thank you. He has some anger issues which he's taken out on inanimate objects but not people (yet). So I'm not sure about the violence. He did make me afraid he was going to hurt himself when I left him back in 2015. You need to get away from him asap. He refuses sex, he blows money, and is potentially violent. How long will it be until he hurts you or bankrupts you? You can find another job. I'm hoping to talk to a lawyer about what my options are, soon. We have marriage counseling tonight and I see a new therapist for depression tomorrow.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 9, 2017 0:29:37 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I've seen this story play out when someone doesn't make the escape. It ends in destitution, struggling to survive off social security in retirement. I'm not joking. It's heartbreaking to see someone who has worked hard and tried to save responsibly their whole life, only to be undermined repeatedly by their spouse's negligence. It destroys health too. Under no circumstances should you tap any sole-and-separate assets for *anything* - not your own expenses, and especially not his. You should stop using the rental income if at all possible, bank it in a separate account. Your inherited assets and proceeds that have not been retitled into his name are your lifeline because he can't touch them in the divorce. Don't encumber them with loans to payoff joint debts. Please, go see a lawyer ASAP. You need to get financial separation from this guy, and that might mean letting the home go to foreclosure and moving into the rental property. You're fighting for survival here. I can't even fathom his level of financial negligence... and bluntly, unless he's violent (which is a whole other set of issues), the last thing you should be worried about is what he thinks if he sees your post. Thank you. He has some anger issues which he's taken out on inanimate objects but not people (yet). So I'm not sure about the violence. He did make me afraid he was going to hurt himself when I left him back in 2015.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 9, 2017 0:17:49 GMT -5
Your problem is your spouse. *You* may well have the financial smarts and discipline to work *your* way out of this. Your spouse has no such work ethic or discipline. So any moves *you* make to improve the fiscal position will then be undone by his undisciplined spending. As fast as you "save it", he'll "spend" it, and more. He's a fucking leech. Slowly sucking you dry. Rotten husband, rotten financial partner, not much of a person at all. The sooner you see a lawyer to untangle this mess, split the finances and go your separate ways the better. Hopefully soon I can af least chat with one. Thank you.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 9, 2017 0:16:59 GMT -5
I can't give you much legal or accountant advise ,but I can tell you that all of that manipulation, lying, controlling, deception, perjury,adds up to years of extreme mental abuse. How you can now "trust' another person is going to take time and healing. Divorce will be difficult in my situation? That sounds way, way off. I would get at least another 3 or 4 opinions on that. Wow! My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find support and a new sense of self worth from all of this. Thank you for your input. I hope I find something out of all this mess.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 23:08:06 GMT -5
"I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late?" Hell, no. I seriously started creating a strong inner foundation when I was about 50. I became the independent, confident, artistic, gregarious person whom I'd always wanted to be. Eventually, I ended my SM --with relief, not angst or depression. I had developed the confidence to be willing to live life as a single on my own terms. I knew I'd be happier single than remaining alone in my marriage. I was over 60 when I divorced. To my great surprise, I ended up in a relationship with the love of my life. That was icing on the cake! I already was flourishing by not centering my life around another person, That is what you are doing. Please realize that there's no indication from what you wrote that your husband wanted to go to the amusement park. If that's his typical behavior, than it probably would suit you to do what I started doing while I was still married. I started going to things by myself (by then, my kids were grown) and not even bothering to invite my husband. I realized that having him with me was an energy drain. The things that made me happy didn't interest him and, for that matter, vice versa. I started taking responsibility for my own happiness and not depending on him for company or compliments. I learned that I could go places by myself and have more fun and social intimacy with random strangers than I would have by interacting with my husband. Please look at your day and realize you had choices. You could have left him home. You did not need to pay attention to him or be concerned or anxious when he chose to stay to himself. You could have gone on the rides you like without even asking him. You could have told your child that the "joke" was mean and unacceptable. You could have chosen not to attempt to get affirmation about your looks from your husband, who, based on the fact that you're here in ILIASM probably doesn't pay much attention to your looks. You can't change your husband or get him to become the kind of companion you want. You can choose to take actions under your control that will allow you to live a happier life. Thank you both.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 21:19:11 GMT -5
My ex had a gambling problem and it was my responsibility to pay the bills. Actually it was my responsibility to do everything! Needless to say we had extreme money issues. There is nothing you wrote that I didn't go through with my ex. Actually I went through much worse financially. I really empathize for you and your situation. What did you end up doing?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 20:45:45 GMT -5
I have to be a bit careful, I think. Should my husband find out I've posted here, it could be bad.
I work for a company that assists others with their finances. One of the conditions for employment is management of personal finances.
2009 - I complete my first year on the job, making good money for the first time. Everything is going well, though we do have quite a bit of debt from the early years of our marriage.
2010 - Husband comes to me in June and says "I can't afford to pay the mortgage this month" (he has summers off). I can't cover it all with my salary either, and we're in one of those horrible pick-a-pay mortgages that World Savings, I mean Wachovia, I mean Wells Fargo holds. We also have a second mortgage husband talked me into taking out in 2005 to pay off bills (after which he personally withdrew almost $100K; to this date he can't remember where the money went). I panic.
July-August 2010 - We can't pay our mortgage, which is, luckily, not through my employer. I am more and more stressed by the day. He seems less so. I finally drain my retirement account from my old job to get us caught up and buy a new washer and dryer. Husband says, "Thank you" and that's that. We start the modification process, which involves sending the same paperwork to Wells over, and over, and over, and...
May 2011 - After being 2 months behind (and receiving scary letters in the mail month after month but never getting an official notice) for almost a year, we are approved for a modification. One catch: the interest rate starts at 2% and steps up every year until it hits 5.75% at year 5. We promise each other we'll refinance before it gets that high.
2012 - Never mind; we end up a month behind again. Also, husband begins handing me the electric bill, cell phone, internet, etc and says, "You gotta pay this; I don't have any money". And I buy 95% of the groceries. We are also fighting constantly. It's around this time that I discover the message board post about how he's decided I'm "too self-absorbed" for him to be attracted to me. I consult with a lawyer, who suggests that divorce will be very difficult in my situation.
2013 - 2015 - Just treading water. Work goes like gangbusters but my personal life is a mess. I make a friend at the office, who only knows the story about how husband wouldn't take me to the ER after I broke my arm a couple of years prior, and a few other minor things, tells me I'm "stupid" for staying married.
Also, during one of these years, I discover the second mortgage that husband had offered to take on hasn't been paid in over six months and is charged off.
2015 - I have a death in the family and inherit some money, which I used part of to get us caught up on the first mortgage. The second is listed on the credit report as being closed and we don't know who currently handles it. Meanwhile, I am still paying half the first mortgage, plus all the other bills, and every time we go anywhere or do anything, I pay.
June 2015 - Husband screams at me during a fight over a movie and I move in temporarily with my mom. Peace at last!
August 2015 - Husband has a nervous breakdown. Sends me 200+ scary texts in one day (I have the cops check on him; he thinks it's funny). He loses 30 lbs in 3 weeks, begins showing up at my mom's all the time (she lets him hang out while I'm not there or sends him upstairs to find me). He finally wears me down until I agree to "be a family again" one more time.
2016 - We begin marriage counseling. At first, he pays half. After a few months though, he decides I have to pay every time. The counselor knows about our finances and is very diplomatic, saying, "I can tell you guys want the same things..."
2017 - So far this year, he's bought a new car without my input, still has me paying almost all the bills as well as half the mortgage and I'm the "sugar mama" almost whenever we go anywhere. I have a rental house that I inherited that provides additional income - it almost all goes to bills and groceries. Husband gets paid the 30th or the 31st of every month and is always broke around the 10th of the following month (our base salaries not counting the rental are almost exactly the same; I cover medical and dental for the whole family).
About a month or two ago, he decided to try the refinance the first mortgage and was SHOCKED when the second came up on the credit report. He asked me if I remembered why he quit paying it. I do not know what his thought process was.
Kudos to you if you made it through all this. Most of you will probably tell me to file bankruptcy (there goes my career) or sell the house (there goes the family home). A week or two ago, we got into a fight because he'd wanted me to take out a HELOC on my rental (which is in my name only) to pay off the second. Even if I wanted to, I don't qualify for any loan of any kind. He couldn't understand.
I, personally, don't handle people's money so there's that. I could sit in limbo for a few more years. Or...? I don't know.
Thank you for reading.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 17:29:52 GMT -5
Thank you. We have HUGE financial and emotional issues that make splitting up at this point extremely complicated to say the least. My company cares about my finances, and lawyers have uttered the b-word (bankruptcy) to me. Such a drastic action could likely cost me my job. And I am the higher paid spouse. Any ideas? Without any detailed knowledge of your finances, these are my 2 cents --> Mentally resolve NEVER to go bankrupt. Solutions exist for most problems and staying mentally resolute helps you find them. Staying determined is a source of power. I don't know if you have the mindspace to read a book but I recommend one called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I cannot guarantee you will like it but you dont have much to lose. On the upside there is the possibility it could help you a lot. I plan on doing whatever I can to avoid bankruptcy... I've heard of _The Secret_ but haven't read it. I'm currently on _The Power Hour_, by recommendation of my Beachbody upline coach (I am also a coach).
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 17:27:55 GMT -5
Thank you. We have HUGE financial and emotional issues that make splitting up at this point extremely complicated to say the least. My company cares about my finances, and lawyers have uttered the b-word (bankruptcy) to me. Such a drastic action could likely cost me my job. And I am the higher paid spouse. Any ideas? I'd seggust going on the resources board or the other board and asking this question!! Sometimes this intro board gets so big and daunting that it kind of gets forgotten. Also, welcome, you will find there are some here who have a similar situation to you so hopefully you can get some assistance or even just reassurance that this is not crazy and you are a healthy and deserving person! I think I will do that. Thank you!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 17:26:42 GMT -5
And I think there is a great response to #7 for both sexes and that is "You look sexy to me". I know where you are coming from. When we are in a relationship that has a shaky foundation and we have a spouse that doesn't offer us encouragement freely, we fish for it. Speaking from experience, though, even if we get the compliment or validation we were fishing for in that situation, it doesn't feel good or fix anything. It's empty. The relationship foundation is still shaky, crumbling. The best we can do then is fix our OWN foundation, the core of us -- heal ourselves for ourselves. This will likely lead to getting out of the toxic environment eventually. It will be worth it. Work on receiving your own validation and believing it. When we do that we truly shine from the inside out. Sorry for the cheese fest -- I mean every word. Take care!! Thank you so much: I spent a lot of yesterday turning over in my mind (again) what I must have done wrong in order for life to have turned out this way. I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 7, 2017 22:19:00 GMT -5
we take care of each other. I have had to take care of her more because of hospitalizations. I never laft her side for 4 days during one hospitalization. (yes that is true) When she was in for 2 week, I was there for 18 hours every day, in the ICU. (yes true) I have not needed such care, but she is concerned about my health and will help or care as needed. This gives me hope!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 7, 2017 22:16:00 GMT -5
Just curious. Does your partner do a good job of taking care of you when you're sick or out of commission? I personally don't need to be taken care of much when I'm sick. I will do things for myself. Where I get upset though is when I'm not feeling well and my partner asks ME to do things. That's where I struggle. All I need is her to kind of cover me for a while as I'm not quite able to do my part to my usual level. My wife is pretty good at taking care of me ...for about a day. After day 1, it's like I'm expected to be magically better. It concerns me because someday I may be seriously ill and I wonder if she'll even be able to handle it. I see this stuff with others too. I saw an instance between an older couple just recently that made me a bit sad. The guy had been having health issues for years and was going through a rough month physically. One day at a party, his wife was giving him a hard time about not installing her new kitchen floor for her. She said it in front of all these people and i felt bad for him. No joke, he passed away months later. He was that sick. It just kind of makes me angry. I just worry about that stuff. I can take care of myself, but when I'm sick I can't handle being asked to do things for others. I just can't. It just gives me the impression that my partner is selfish and uncaring when that goes on. How about you? Does your partner actually seem to adequately take care of you when you're not feeling well? Short answer: no. Longer answer: He took me to the ER once during the early years. My mom (retired nurse) took me to the hospital when I gave birth, when I had food poisoning, and she brings me stuff sometimes when I have stomach flu and can't get off the couch.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 7, 2017 16:40:40 GMT -5
Hello all! I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to jump in. I'm 43 and married for 16 years to an older man who has Type II diabetes. When we first began dating, he told me he'd been diagnosed as bipolar but that it was a "bullshit" diagnosis, as he'd been under undue stress at the time. We have one child who is 14. Our marriage has been low sex since my pregnancy in 2002. At first, he told me we couldn't have ssx becsuse "the baby is watching". After he was born, it because "I'm too tired". Then "I'm not atttracted to you when the house is a mess". Five years ago, I discovered a message board post from him in which he declared that he had decided I was "too self-absorbed" for him to be "in the mood". Throughout the years, hugging, hand-holding and kissing have also mostly fallen by the wayside. He became angry and verbally abusive sometime after year 5 of our marriage. The same year, I went back to school to finish my BA and six months after graduation landed my dream job, making real money for the first time. He became financially irresponsible shortly thereafter So our problems go beyond the bedroom. Two years ago, I left him and, after him having a nervous breakdown and him and my mom wiring to push us back together, I reluctantly moved back in. Sex is infrequent still, and often involves only a bit of foreolay, or whatever he has enough energy for. He still uses tiredness or the bedroom being not clean enough - as an example - as an excuse. We've been in marriage counseling since January 2016. His two big issues he wanted to see resolved were him buying a new car (which he did in April; I had no idea he was at the dealership until he texted me), and getting our son off the computer (another unilateral decision). At least we don't fight anymore. And sometimes he cooks. I still keep us afloat financially. We actually had sex on the 4th of July and see our counselor tomorrow. Wish me luck... and thank you for creating this forum! I am terribly sorry you find yourself here. You have been through a lot. I hope at some point you are able to leave him and enjoy some peace and happiness. You deserve it. Thank you. We have HUGE financial and emotional issues that make splitting up at this point extremely complicated to say the least. My company cares about my finances, and lawyers have uttered the b-word (bankruptcy) to me. Such a drastic action could likely cost me my job. And I am the higher paid spouse. Any ideas?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 7, 2017 15:43:30 GMT -5
And I think there is a great response to #7 for both sexes and that is "You look sexy to me".
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