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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:15:05 GMT -5
Oh yeah, forgot about the IRS, and the state of California… He cashed out a retirement account and had some debt discharged in 2016… So, I set up payment plans with both, and he has no money to contribute to the payments… Awesome. Watch out, love - the IRS will slap a lien on your house! If that's true, I guess homelessness is in my future.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:11:16 GMT -5
Counseling last week went the SAME way as it alwats does... the gist of it - and, according to him, the "crux of the issue", is that I don't pay enough attention to him. His hobbies, his goals and dreams. I don't compliment him or tell him he looks good. So, that's why he's been the way he's been. And he can't talk to me because "Talking does no good".
The power went out toward the end of the session, and, because she uses Square to accept payments, and it was acting up, she was unable to charge us for the appointment. Also, when I walked out to my car, I had a nasty gram placed on it for parking in the same spot of part for the last 19 months. At the counselor's recommendation!
That was Wednesday… The following day, Thursday, I saw a brand new therapist. Just for myself. I am not terribly familIar with DBT, but I understand that it can be helpful to people with trauma in their backgrounds…
I told the woman everything - from my abusive dad, to my ex, to my SM. Her assessment of me was "I'm really surprised you haven't turned to drugs or alcohol!"
She only excepts cash or checks for some reason, so I was unable to pay her for the appointment at the time; she said let's just worry about it next week.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:03:32 GMT -5
Argh. I identify with your story - not NOW as much but it's still there. The "feels" are still raw and are coming up more and more. Long story short / I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. Last year. I could not pull the trigger. Some days, I wish I had pulled the trigger. My husband has a good job now. I have an amazing job now. I have already made 3x as much of his salary. I will probably finish the year 4x. This is not a problem on it's own. I wouldn't care in any other situation. But, I have a man, that could care less about me sexually - that enjoys the fact that I take care of EVERYTHING. I am not kidding. Everything. My kids get as much of their momma as they can, they also get a lot of their grandma (my momma). My husband doesn't fill out school reports and forms, he has no clue their schedules for extracurricular, has no idea on their grades. I do all of that. Add to that, family birthdays, including his family and the mental fry of organizing chores, household bills, homework and whatnot. I do everything. He comes home, checks out because of his work day (mine are tough too) and checks out of life. Recently, his obsession has been boats. He looks them up on Craigslist, learns how to fix them on YouTube. He is obsessed. We're not quite out of debt yet. We owe IRS, then my parents and then his. It will take a bit to get out of - but I will pay everyone back. He wants a boat. Now. Before we're out of debt. I am disheartened. Not because I didn't expect this, but because of the timing. I respect him even less now. I believed he cared about paying people back. The IRS, my parents, his parents. But he wants a boat. He does not handle our bills, so he knows not. In 6 months - everyone will be paid off. Because of me. Then he can buy a boat. Then, I will ask him to leave, with his boat and leave me the house. Win, win! Good luck with your parasite. Sincerely, good luck. Oh yeah, forgot about the IRS, and the state of California… He cashed out a retirement account and had some debt discharged in 2016… So, I set up payment plans with both, and he has no money to contribute to the payments… Awesome.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 21:48:28 GMT -5
Well, I got a text from my friend tonight reminding me about an event at another friend's house tomorrow… I don't remember the date being confirmed, but I completely forgot anyhow. His follow-up text to me in formed me that it was important that I show up tomorrow, because another person in the group has been very sad lately, with having bought a brand new house and with her daughter starting school .
I've had my head so far up my ass the past few weeks, I just have been flaking on things left and right… Awesome. 😞
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 16:54:54 GMT -5
Al-Anon is for anyone whose life is affected by another!s drinking. The other person doesn't have to be an actual alcoholic or constant drinking. Your husband's DUI affected your life. That's enough reason to attend. Many of the people in Al-anon are struggling with problems like yours: taking on responsibilities of and cleaning up messes left by irresponsible partners. OH. Yes, first husband. And dad. Thank you for clarifying!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 10:08:34 GMT -5
Have you considered also getting involved in Al-Anon, the support group for people whose luves are affected by others' drinking? It's available online and in person and is free and anonymous. It could help you learn not to enable --take responsibility for- your husband's problems. I'm just curious - why Al-Anon? He doesn't really drink.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 1:22:03 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, You have a spouse who is mentally ill and is incapable of seeing beyond himself. I know, because my wife is the same way. She is very sweet, but she is unable to perceive the world from anything but her own perspective. If there has been a silver lining in my wife's illness, it is that she no longer goes with my son and me when we go out to have fun. With her, we drag her kicking and screaming to have a good time, or she insisted on leaving early. Without her, the two of us enjoy ourselves. There is a danger in this self-centerness. In earlier posts, I mentioned how twice I needed to go to the hospital, and she refused. The first time, a bug crawled in my ear while I slept. As I was screaming in pain, she asked if I could wait a couple hours until the walk-in clinic opened. I said no, get me to the emergency room now! She relented. The second time, I was having strokelike symptoms. She would not take me, so I called 911 and said "TÍA." That brought the ambulance. Doctors found out that I wasn't having a stroke. I was just majorly stressed out. On the flip side, I have taken her to the hospital four times in the past year, saving her life each time. When she was havimg delusions after we got married, I got her to a psychiatrist who correctly diagnosed her and got her on the right meds. She has already been through open-heart surgery and breast cancer. Now after two surgeries, her lungs are not working properly. She has been on a ventilator for two months, and the doctors don't know if she will ever come home. If she dies, I will mourn her. Then I will pick up the pieces and live the life I want to live. I may be 56, but I am still breathing. I want to enjoy what time I have left. As to the remark in the mirror, you might be a little overweight. So am I. But as much as I like a nice figure, I find self-confidence to be a lot sexier. I've known quite a few women who are overweight but have a self-awareness and confidence that makes them really hot. Pounds come and go. Your spirit is always there. Thank you.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 23:30:07 GMT -5
" God, I would love something like what you and flashjohn have described. Would just love it. What kind of work did you have to do on yourselves to find your relationships?" I had to evolve so that I was no longer a passive, dependent woman who felt like a nothing without a man by my side. To get to this point: 1. Therapy with some excellent licenced social works and psychologists 2. Medication. Many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety don't need medication to make a major change. I thought I was one of those, but after years of therapy, although I made major improvements in many ways, I still suffered from depression most of the time. For me, antidepressants combined with an absolutely excellent woman social worker very experienced with working with women with midlife issues is what helped me become independent and self confident enough to realize that I'd rather be alone than to remain lonely in my marriage. 3. Pushing myself to expand my boundaries. I once was a woman who did next to nothing socially unless I had company. During most of my marriage that company was my husband. Step by step, I started identifying things that I wanted to do, and then taking the plunge into doing those things by myself. My husband wasn't as obviously resistent to doing things as is yours, but he still wasn't fun for me to be with when we went out. First, he loved some things that I don't: like going to sports games. I did not enjoy sitting next to him yelling advice to the team. I did not enjoy hearing his play by play on the way home. What I wanted to do was to take dance classes, singing lessons, acting classes and art classes. I took some with him, didn't enjoy it because he was intent on perfectionism not the fun of the experience. So, I started taking classes at community college whre I was often 20 or so years older than the instructor and 30 years older than the students. I had a blast! For the first time in my life, I was around people who really got me. I learned that I'm an artsy person. I also did other things by myself -- going to movies and plays or I'd post on FB and invite whomever was interested to join me. It was a wonderful way of making friends without having my husband there . When he and I did things with others, he tended to monopolize the conversation by going on long, dry monologues filled with facts, but nothing personal. I did some fitness things -- purely for my own enjoyment. Years earlier, I'd tried dieting and exercising to get my husband's attention. That didn't work. This time, I decided to do things just because they felt good. I did things to have a good time -- not to hook a man whom I could be glued with. I also overcame my own shame about having a sex drive. Talking to older women who were still happily sexually active helped me realize that my having a sex drive and enjoying sex didn't mean I was crazy or a slut like my mother had implied to me. If I had realized that earlier in my life, I never would have stayed married to my refuser husband for 34 years, 8 consecutive years and many other years of my marriage were completely sexless. While I did end up in a relationship a year after deciding to divorce, that wasn't my goal nor is it something that anyone should strive for. By the time I decided to divorce, I had spent years discovering, nurturing nad developing myself. I didn't meet my partner on a dating site or on some kind of hunt for a partner. We'd known each other for years due to being in the same theater troupe. He also had been going through his own evolution. By the time we started dating, neither of us was looking for someone to fix us or to save us from loneliness. We were our authentic selves and happened to be good matches for each others. So, my advice is to go to counseling and take the time to learn to appreciate yourself and identify and honor your own needs and desires. Blossoming into an assertive, independent happy woman will allow you to let go of yourself and be ready for whatever life has to offer. Thank you so much for sharing your story! You give me hope,
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 19:02:03 GMT -5
Definitely following your story, as I can relate to certain aspects. And I have a teenager. Best of luck to you!!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 17:31:04 GMT -5
So, the whole day I was made to feel as if I was just being a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch. It came up in counseling, and, along with all our other issues, the statement made was something like "I can't talk to you about anything!" I think two different realities are at work here. MPB, he won't be able to "make" you feel like anything for a lot longer. I am watching you change every time I read your posts. When you first came here, you were resigned to your fate. Now, you are making him accountable for his behavior and not accepting it as easily. Keep on reading and posting. People here have been exactly where you have been and have escaped many horrible situations. In the quote above, you did not say this, but it is obvious that you are thinking, "And I am certainly NOT a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch! I am a fun, sweet, loving girl!" Keep on saying this and occasionally say it to yourself in the mirror. I am so impressed with you and proud of you! Thank you so much!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 17:29:42 GMT -5
God, I would love something like what you and flashjohn have described. Would just love it. What kind of work did you have to do on yourselves to find your relationships? All I can say is that I met her when I was apartment shopping. I made it very clear about what I had been through, the kind of relationship I needed, and the way I think women should be treated. She really liked me just as I was. That is fantastic!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 16:47:23 GMT -5
He borrowed money from me to take a couple of credits to earn a raise as says he will now be able to contribute more financially. Hopefully he is. He did not pay back the loan. Excuse me if I missed this in your posts but what is the upside of being with this guy? The words "boat" and "anchor" come to mind. Our kid has his dad and we are "a family". However, the kid and the husband fought all weekend, over some really minor stuff. Could just be teenage power struggles, but kiddo and I don't have that type of relationship. (Husband's response is "It's because you let him do whatever he wants")
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 16:44:32 GMT -5
What flashjohn described is similar to what I have experienced in my post sm relationship. Four years into it, while we don't still make love several times daily, we do it several times a week. He still lights up when he sees me as I do him. I'm no longer in a relationship in which I'm doing all of the emotional giving. I feel energized and very loved. I realize how little I was settling for in my marriage, and I will never again settle for such crumbs. God, I would love something like what you and flashjohn have described. Would just love it. What kind of work did you have to do on yourselves to find your relationships?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 16:41:18 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I am sorry he was such a prick... 1. "From here on, if we're gonna be this late, I don't wanna go!" AWESOME! Leave his worthless ass at home! You will have more fun anyway.2. We arrive and I say hello to coworkers. He barely acknowledges them, despite having hung out with them socially, and takes off to get food. When he comes back, he sits away from everyone else and stares at us. This is great. I am betting your coworkers noticed and will be supportive if/when you decide to kick him out.3. My son and I decide to hang out a bit and play some games and chat. So husband takes off for good because he's bored. Again, this is wonderful! He can leave you alone to have some fun.4. We catch up and he had an agenda of what things he wants to do/see. All I want is to go on a couple of thrill rides. Husband is like, "Yeah, I wanna do this and this and this, and then you can go on some rides". Yeah, now you know how he will respond. You can just tell him what you are doing next time if you even let him go.5. Son calls me ugly as a "joke" and I get upset. I tell husband, who says "Now you know what I deal with all the time! I need to spend less time with him! You need to give him consequences! He either need to go to counseling with us, or we need to stop going!!" I'm pretty sure a coworker overheard part of this exchange. Your son needs to be punished for that. It is not funny and he needs to know not to treat anyone that way, especially not his mother.
6. We go into a butterfly exhibit. He turns left and son and I turn right. He makes a comment after about how we weren't all together. I respond that we lost track of him (which is true). He needs to pay attention to where you are going & be more involved.7. Then I say that the mirrors they had up for us to check for butterflies made me feel fat. No response. I say something else about the mirrors. No response. I say something about something else, he responds. When I ask why, he flips out: "I think you look great, but you need to pay attention to ME!" Unfortunately, he is not going to give you any validation. However, you don't need it any more. You are wonderful as you are, but you need to take care of yourself.8. I go to get on a thrill ride across the park and he Informs me the two of them are staying where they are. Exactly what you should have done. Enjoy yourself and don't worry about them. How old is your son?9. My phone goes dead while I'm in line. I ride the ride, get off, and find them waking toward me, husband looking pissed. Well, he can be as pissed as he wants to be. Don't worry about what he thinks.10. He makes a couple of snide comments in the car about how he wanted to go on thrill rides (he gets sick on rides). Yeah, this is bullshit. He just wants to manipulate you into making him feel guilty.11. We decide to grab dinner on the way home. I let him know what I'd like to order and we get what the kiddo wants too. When I'm in the restroom, husband orders more food than I was expecting. He asks me to pay the bill tonight and he'll get drinks on Thursday (our usual date night; we keep our finances separate). The bill, with tip, comes to more than $80. Husband says oops. Well, now you know what you can do on Thursday. Order whatever you can think of. And separate finances may make a divorce a bit easier, just sayin.12. He's downstairs now watching GoT. I like GoT myself, but my girlfriend & I watch it together. We laugh at how forced the sex scenes seem to be & how they don't compare to the sex we have. So, the whole day I was made to feel as if I was just being a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch. It came up in counseling, and, along with all our other issues, the statement made was something like "I can't talk to you about anything!" I think two different realities are at work here.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 15:15:14 GMT -5
You've been worried about major financial problems, another thing for him to do something about now. He borrowed money from me to take a couple of credits to earn a raise as says he will now be able to contribute more financially. Hopefully he is. He did not pay back the loan.
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