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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 17:53:05 GMT -5
This is what my husband has been saying all weekend. He's been on summer break. We've had sex twice, with some foreplay/MM a couple of times.
I was out with my 19-year-old niece last night, and he sent me a text that was extremely graphic in nature about what he wanted to do once I got home… I held the phone away from her so she couldn't see what was on the screen and then responded. He never read the response, and I came home to find him playing video games, which he did until about midnight.
This morning, he rolled over and reiterated to me that "We need to do something today". I asked, "Because you're horny?" He replied, "Well, yeah, because I'm horny… Why else would I want to?"
I thought, "Hmmm… Because you miss spending time with me?"
Try as I might, I can't get excited at the thought of "doing something" tonight. I feel like I should be more grateful or something. Perhaps his saying "I'm horny" should be enough foreplay for me - it seems like it's enough for many women.
I'm also wondering what he means by "something". Sex, or a few minutes of MM?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 17:45:13 GMT -5
I think maybe you're getting sick of yourself and being a little too hard on yourself in the process. A lot of times, the anxieties we have about others, are our own shortcomings or internal thoughts. Like others have said - I wouldn't necessarily put too much stock in (what seems like a loser first husband) thinks, much less your current husband. I get it though - I often have this thought as I like to talk, debate and discuss (ad naseum) and I KNOW I wear my husband out. I am not everyone's cup of tea, for sure, typically though - those people aren't mine either. On the friend front - I have a couple of very close "sisters" - we may not even live close at all, but I know I can call them and we pick up where we left off. One of these does live close, has a negative outlook on life - so it's taxing to be a good friend to her, but I do it because she is in the first year post-divorce and also a "sister" - so my love for her is basically, unconditional. Then, I have a host of acquaintances. TBH - it's hard keeping up with everyone socially with kids, family obligations, etc. Could this just be the stage of life they/you are currently in? I wouldn't take any of it personally, is my point. You've maintained close relationships with a few friends - now have fun trying on different acquaintances. If it doesn't work out - think of it as the time last season when you decided to wear high-wasted pants. Fun while it lasted, but not something YOU would do again. On to the next trend! It might work out and you MIGHT find a classic to add to your close friendships! I like your thinking... hmm. Time to go try some new people...?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 17:42:59 GMT -5
"I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. " I don't think it's a good idea to measure one's worth by FB responses. First, even with 1200 followers, due to FB's algorithims, lots of your followers don't see your posts. I have not seen some very important posts by people whom I follow and who are some of my closest friends. Only reason I knew about the posts is that my partner also is FB friends with them and told me. Also, people are busy and you are presumably posting as a coach, not a best friend. If so, they may read your post, use or not use your information, and not respond because they figure you're putting out info for general info as part of your job, not to establish a bond with them as a friend would. They may find the info very helpful, but not feel socially obliged to respond. I am one of the FB administrators for the nonprofit that I work for. Members of our association have indicated in person that they find the posts useful, but most get zero response. I think that's because the members don't feel a like or other comment is necessary since it's a business, not a personal account. If you are on social media mainly for business purposes, it probably would be a bad idea to shut down those accounts. They probably are increasing your branding and customers and helping your clients more than you can tell from the responses. As for no response to posts about your kids starting school: Good chance your relatives didn't even see the post. Also, do you comment/like on their posts? I've found that the people who respond the most to me are the ones whom I respond to . Still, FB is not a measure of friendship or how much people care. My partner is really good about reading my posts and commenting. I typically forget to look at his FB. I love him, but tend to communicate more in person with him than via fb. I tend to notice posts of people whom I don't get to see often. I post mostly as a friend (why the business is fledgling) and I comment/like stuff every day. I have a nagging feeling that I try too hard, in general, to connect with people and it's a turnoff. I created a new page, just for the business. Then connected to my main account, ehh but now has 666 friends. 😂😈
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 16:35:31 GMT -5
I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Today, it was about my (special needs and at his 6th school) kid starting high school. Not even a like or a "that's greatl" from one of the relatives. A friend caught a fish and he is clearly way cooler than me, lol, Read some of this about "social media accounts" maybe it will make you feel better. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/social-media-platforms-narcissists-borderlines-and-histrionics-the-lure-of-blogs-facebook-and-myspace/Egads, that's insane! No, I mean like I think it's a little too transparent that I'm depressed if you see my stuff that's "out there". I need to reign myself in. Clearly. I did talk to another BB coach who suggested a separate profile for my business and I think that's worth a try. Thank you!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 15:28:04 GMT -5
I wonder if I need to delete/deactivate my social media accounts for a while. I've noticed that, even with close to 1,200 followers on all platforms (I'm a fitness coach and it's part of the business), I will often post something that gets zero response. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
Today, it was about my (special needs and at his 6th school) kid starting high school. Not even a like or a "that's greatl" from one of the relatives. A friend caught a fish and he is clearly way cooler than me, lol,
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 13, 2017 11:34:59 GMT -5
Given your spouses less than stellar performance as a human being, I dunno that you ought take a whole lot of notice of his opinion about you being cold and calculating. But FWIW, I think the fluidity in friendships you describe is actually pretty normal. Some people come into your orbit and go just as quickly. Some people stay in your orbit for a while. Others stay in your orbit quite a while, and then gradually drop off. A few people - very few (those that you describe above as "my few closest friends") - are there for the long haul. I don't see anything unusual about it. It would describe my circle of friends quite accurately too - and I suspect - lots of other peoples as well. There may be another factor in play here. That being that a lot of people may think your spouse is a complete jerk, and not want to be anywhere near him. Consequently, as they avoid him, you also get avoided as a secondary effect. For example, do you figure that anyone who witnessed his performance at the amusement park (your previous story) would be breaking their necks to ever see him again, if they could avoid it ? I've often wondered that too; it seemed to happen to my mom with my dad. And I apologize for this post. I slipped into depression again last week and my thoughts kinda took over.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 12, 2017 16:23:55 GMT -5
I seem to have this problem, and I would love it if I knew why.
My ex tired of me after we'd been together about 6 years. He started staying out super late at night, drinking, smoking pot, and withholding sex.
My current husband I guess decided he was kind of done with me once I got pregnant - though we started having issues at about 3 years into our relationship (I didn't respond as strongly to a world event as he would have liked).
My friends do this too. They are all about hanging out and whatnot, then, after a few years, it's like they have no use for me anymore (the exceptions being my few closest friends).
Any ideas? I don't ignore people. I respond quickly to texts, etc (maybe that's the problem?), and I will drop anything to be there for someone.
Maybe I come on too strong? Or they decide I'm too quirky?
One of the things my husband is always telling me is that I come across as "cold" and somewhat "calculating". Also self-absorbed.
Just wondering if anyone knows what I'm talking a lot or can shed a light.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 20:41:46 GMT -5
"That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be." What was even scarier for me was what if i got seriously ill and my refuser was my caretaker? I did not want a he who had little empathy for me in that position. Before I decided to divorce, I had a cold every other week. In the 5 years since, I have had one. He has had cancer. I'm glad I was divorced by then so he wasn't my problem. Wow... very telling! You're healthier now, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 20:39:15 GMT -5
Group hug!!! (Me and the kids like to include the dog in those!) Thank you!!
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 17:19:14 GMT -5
Those are always appreciated.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:35:25 GMT -5
Well, then there's the potential problem of being twice-divorced and under 50. Can anyone weigh in on that? It's not an issue for the two friends of mine who are in that situation, but it still terrifies me. I seem to be damaged goods, between that, the money problems, the daddy issues and the (extremely) dysfunctional family. I don't know what you mean by the issue of being twice divorced and under 50. I am twice divorced, and was 61. I'm 63 now. It would have been easier for me to have divorced at 43 than 61. You say you are damaged goods. Of course you are damaged. I am damaged, and it's bloody hard. It took two-years to get out of the debilitating depression that stole my mind and my energy. Only now, have I progressed enough to actually start working on getting to know who I really am, and find the person I lost in that 25-years of hell. It will be hard for you, but if you take one step at a time, it's doable. It's your choice. I'm just saying that you may face less opportunity in all aspects of life if you leave it until you are 60, and then you will be even more damaged than you are now. Thank you.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:16:18 GMT -5
Thank you so much: I spent a lot of yesterday turning over in my mind (again) what I must have done wrong in order for life to have turned out this way. I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late? I left at 61, and I wish I were only 43. You have so many opportunities that are too late for me now. I even went back to school in my 50s. If you are definitely going to leave, leave while your eyesight is still good, while your back doesn't hurt, while you still look attractive, and there are more job opportunities. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to leave. Well, then there's the potential problem of being twice-divorced and under 50. Can anyone weigh in on that? It's not an issue for the two friends of mine who are in that situation, but it still terrifies me. I seem to be damaged goods, between that, the money problems, the daddy issues and the (extremely) dysfunctional family.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:12:20 GMT -5
So, we went to counseling Wednesday night and it went badly (separate thread, I think). I saw a new therapist last night and told her EVERYTHING. I think that went much better.
Next... lawyer. I'm thinking legal separation for more protection against any future debt (my ex got arrested for DUI after we split up and he put the fine on our joint credit card... what a pain).
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 19:27:14 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, your story sounds a lot like mine. I have a wife who is schizo-affective and cannot work. Right now, she is coping with some serious physical health issues including cancer and open-heart surgery. Her health issues, both physical and mental, make divorce economically impossible right now. We also have a 14-year-old son, who is doing his best to cope with all of this. I wonder how your husband thinks he can prevent your child from accessing a computer. Limit yes, but not totally stop it. My son needs it for school and socialization. That is a windmill your Don Quixote should fight carefully. I am in a support group for family members of the mentally ill. It helps a lot, although some times the best thing I get from the group is that I don't have the problems another member has. The members go from emotional states of guilt, to resentment, then back to guilt. For parents, it's mostly guilt. For others, it's the resentment. For everyone, it is grief. It's like someone died, and the body is still there. You are welcome to message me if you want to talk more. I am so sorry to read of all the issues you're dealing with right now. That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 13:55:08 GMT -5
Age isn't what makes a person entitled. Attitude and how you treat others is. I'm in the same generation but in our family we worked for anything we wanted. We were taught that nobody owes us anything. Nobody else is responsible for another person's own bad decisions. Maybe your H is the entitled one since he expects you to do everything perfectly, not feel anything negative, and be happy with a SM. Maybe him buying you stuff makes him feel entitled to suck the life out of you. In my experience, people that have anger issues are the entitled ones. Every little inconvenience or slight on their fragile personality sets them off. Agreed. I'm 43 and he turns 54 next month. We spent close to 2 hours last night rehashing - as we have been for the past 19 months - about how he's been an ass most of our marriage because I don't pay him enough attention. When we argue, he often says something like "I deal with kids all day and I have to deal with you at home!" I'm wondering how entitled he feels...
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