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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 14:24:57 GMT -5
I agree with shamwell about the picture of you. and follow through with sex tonight. There are many refused here who posted about their refuser making a sex promise and then being too sleepy, headachy or using the kids as an excuse to not put out. I plan on following through.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 14:10:49 GMT -5
Tiffany? I brought up the part about children taking 1st place in the family, and marriage getting shoved away, including your husband. You gave it a DARVO answer full of victim answers about your soldier H being gone during child birth. You knew that when you married him. You had /have other woman around you who have experienced the same things. Easy for me to see that. After I had time to read it, more than once, and give it plenty of thought from 1000 miles away. Not the same story for your husband, or your teen daughters who deal with such responses. The same thing goes on at our house. My teens are seeing through it, they don't like it, they question it, stand up to it, and run from it. All equaling a disaster of a relationship. Please try to make yourself aware of such answers, and feel welcome to give it more thought and try again. Okay, yes I knew he was a soldier when I married him. I wasn't using his deployments as an excuse. I mentioned them because that's a point of reference for his change regarding sex. Maybe I'm the only one who saw that. As for other women around...um nope. Sorry wrong. We didn't live on base and I had no desire to mingle with my fellow Marine wives when I saw first hand how backstabbing they could be. (I do mean first hand.) And what do you mean my daughters? They were nearly 5 and 3 when he got out and don't remember him being in. If you mean in regards to the sex, that is between me and my H and we do our best to keep the lack of to ourselves.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:42:54 GMT -5
Still going with what bballgirl suggested...slightly revealing pic of you. I hate to break it to you, and it may come as a shock, but guys are generally not turned on by romance novels (erotica). We are visual animals. If you want to catch a fly, use honey. Lol may try that too
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:35:53 GMT -5
Make sure he understands that your book is about your fantasies based on him. Otherwise, he could view your book as indicating you are fantasizing about different men, not him. Explicitly tell him he turns you on. Will do
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:30:54 GMT -5
So, follow up his peach (I have no idea what he meant by it) by sending the kind of note I suggested. Be clear. He really may have thought you were making fun of him. one can't hear tone in a text or emoji.and if you promise sex, do what you promised. Don't use something like the girls' behavior as an excuse to avoid sex. You have the ability to set boundaries today just as you could have on your anniversary when you chose to host a sleepover. Already replied. Plus sent him a scene from my book hoping it will add to getting him in the mood
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:22:34 GMT -5
Tiffany, you have lots of reasons for not doing things. If you don't like the town's restaurants, send your teens away for the night, and cook a great dinner and serve it while wearing something sexy or while nude. Get a lock for your bedroom door. So what if your kids figure out that when the door Is locked, you are having sex? Great if they learn that sex is normal and is part of marriage. Oh we lock the door and when we can get one or both out that's usually when we take advantage
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:16:13 GMT -5
Lol and the peach made what you sent seem snarky, not sexy. Here's an example of what I send to my guy, " I miss you. I can't wait to come home" accompanied by a pix of me with an unbuttoned shirt showing most of my tits. I am smiling sexily. In your case, you could say, " I was thinking today about how much I appreciate your suggesting that I leave that job that I hated. I appreciate how you have been picking up the financial load. Let me show my appreciation tonight by giving you a bj." Then follow through! Btw, the love languages book is discussed a lot here and virtually all of the refused have touch as their first or second love language. Even when the refused have spouses that cuddle, the refused tend not to feel loved if sex rarely occurs. Cuddling is torture if one is longing for sex but never gets it. It's like getting to smell but not eat food when you are starving. The refused' spouses usually have acts of service as their love language. Acts of service don't register on many refused. Your husband seriously may not understand what you mean by cuddling. My post sm lover is a great lover, and we usually communicate well. Still, a couple of weeks ago, we got into an argument in bed because I wanted him to "stroke" my back and he really didn't get it. I thought he was passively aggressively doing the wrong thing but it ended up that what I call stroking is what he considered massaging. I would never have known our language interpretation differences if we hadn't cared enough to keep talking about it, and we talked it through without name calling or insults Or giving the silent treatment. Ok. By the way, the 🍑? That was his reply to mine: "💋just want to say thanks for working so hard"
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 13:12:35 GMT -5
tiffanyc your kids need boundaries. If my parents said to be quiet or get scarce, I didn't hesitate. I was gone as fast as possible and didn't come home until dinner time! Oh they have boundaries but sometimes, especially during the summer they forget or get excited and well, there ya go. Plus they're close in age and they argue. Ugh, two teenage girls.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 12:31:57 GMT -5
Yes my husband follows direction, hell he was a Marine plus he's also used to giving them having been in a Boss position in both the Marines and his current job. Yes I have been specific in what I want. Telling him I want him to just hold me. That I like when he does this or that during sex and I want more of that or more of this. As for us doing things just us, that's not easy. We live in a small town no where near family. Yes our kids are 14 & 12 and can stay by themselves should we want to go out to dinner, but the town we live in has NO nightlife. There are more Mexican restaurants than anything else and only two are worth going out to. Believe me, I would love to have an actual DATE night. Go somewhere, talk, laugh, eat. Then come home, cuddle, touch, tease, then either make love or have hot sweaty monkey sex. I've told him this. He treats it like a chore rather than having fun with it. I've even gone as far as trying to do this at home with the kids there! Make his favorite meal, put on a little black dress, after dinner I did the dishes then curled up on his lap. What did I get? A thanks for dinner and a few minutes of holding. And this was BEFORE I started struggling with my sex drive. Some questions, and I hope they are helpful, that's my whole reason in responding to you in the first place! From a man's point of view " I tell him to just hold me, that's what I want". Well okay, got it. That means holding, close? distant? a little? a lot?, it doesn't matter, it will not lead to sex. So know it becomes a duty, a requirement, more of an order. Just taking, no receiving. Then you say " I put on a little black dress, I curl up on his lap, what did I get? A thanks for dinner and a few minutes of holding." Again a man's perspective. Here we go again , more taking and no giving. Holding cuddling and no return. You can rub a tiger and it will sit there and purr.... but be careful it will also turn and eat your arm off! So what that means is, "does he even have a clue that what he just did was acceptable? Are there any words of affirmation given in return, is there any touch that he wants in return? ( I don't know these answers I am just talking from my own experiences) Three last comments. The book about 5 Love languages, he may not read it, he may not take the test. My wife read it ,and as usual ,used it for her self gain and nothing else. You can answer the questions the way you think he would, and get an understanding of where he's coming from. The bottom line is how well both of you are wanting to drop the finger pointing, and cherish each other. 2nd. The fact that there is nothing to do in your little town, the kids are in the house, no relatives near by is not his fault, it's not your fault, it is what it is. People live that way all the time and have intimacy/sex in there marriage. Your kids are old enough. Tell them " Dad and I need some alone time, It might get noisy, leave us alone. They are probably to wrapped up on their computer games or phones to care. 3rd. From an outside point of view, when I do the math, the drive and passion ended two years into the marriage, your oldest is 14 yrs old. Once kids come into the equation marriage gets pushed to the back burner. By both parties. Especially woman. It becomes their whole identity. The husband is treated as "you are an adult, you can fend for yourself." I might do the quiz for him and see what I get. I know he won't read it even if I asked. When I mentioned the black dress and stuff, the answer is yes he knew I liked as I had said it was nice. But he seemed uninterested in trying to go further. At that point I was giving a lot more than I am now so he had no reason to think I would "put out". I do touch him, running my hands over him. He seems to like it judging how he reacts. When the kids came he wasn't here for the birth of either. Japan with the oldest Iraq with the youngest. When he would come home from deployments or ops, or such he just wanted to jump right into the sex. Yes that first night home, sometimes the second I was just as antsy, but then that was how he stayed even when I would tell him I wanted more foreplay before the act. Yes he's gotten a bit better since leaving the Marines, but not by much. I know there are people all over the country and the world how live in similar towns like us and I never said it was his fault there. But it would be nice if at least ONCE a YEAR we could have a date night or SOMETHING. As for telling our kids that we need quiet time...🙄please. With our kids that works for all of maybe ten minutes. Then it's doors opening and closing as they go in and out to play or ride their bike or when we're done suddenly discover oh crap, didn't know you invited your friend in. Yeah, my kids are that sneaky.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 11:46:05 GMT -5
Maybe this Christian is a closet pervert, but doesn't it seem that the natural reply to the image he sent would be "Do you dare to eat a peach?" borrowing from T. S. Eliot? Lol
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 11:45:35 GMT -5
Eggplant with champagne bottle Just have flirty fun Get him going and get yourself going Also black bra cleavage pic Sadly, I don't have a black bra lol. I'll see what I do have though
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 11:28:45 GMT -5
Any ideas on a reply other than "lol"?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 11:25:01 GMT -5
Well, I just sent him this. Lol not much but a start right?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 11:18:39 GMT -5
So, since I'm the refuser you're saying I wouldn't read that? Newsflash, I actually HAVE that book. Wow. I got my wires crossed on that one didn't I? One of these days I will learn not to communicate with the other humans until AFTER my morning coffee. Sorry about that! lol it's okay. I get that way too
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 10:51:09 GMT -5
I'm sure that there is a lot of history and a lot of detail not being expressed. Would you be interested in an experiment? Pick a time frame. One month, three months, six months. Play by his rules. give him what he wants and see if, in return, you get what you want. Unless of course you are disgusted by him and don't want him touching you. If that's the case get a divorce. Your suggestion is similar to bballgirl. I think I'll try it and see what happens.
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