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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 20, 2017 23:09:08 GMT -5
Mid 30's here
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 20, 2017 18:50:21 GMT -5
I think choosinghappy said it perfectly. Being one half a team, yet not feeling that way and being brushed off as unimportant.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 17, 2017 8:11:24 GMT -5
I haven't read all of your back stories, so forgive me if this has already been discussed. Is it just your H or do you generally not feel that sexual drive/attraction to anyone? Re the comments directed towards you, people here are hurting and angry and any comments made by some are likely frustration at their S/O's being redirected to you. Hormonal issues aside, I have learned that most if not all of sexual feeling is in the mind. We are all given the physical elements to allow for feelings of excitement and climax, yet not everyone can stimulate those for any one of us. Being touched intimately by the object of one's desire can cause fireworks, yet being touched intimately by one that is deemed unattractive can stir feelings of revulsion, yet the actions are the same. Clearly the mind does not allow us to engage fully with just anyone. For those of us now counter refusers, the idea of any attempts at sexual interaction are now enough to make one shudder. Of course there are always exceptions to all rules. It's the general sexual drive, though some think it's H in general. I don't always feel the sexual drive period.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 17, 2017 0:18:45 GMT -5
As usual, I disappear for a couple of days and all hell breaks loose..) It's all your fault!!! 😉 I kid Lol
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 21:15:43 GMT -5
tiffanyc Please don't leave, and, please don't take the responses by our fellow members (to your previous post) as negatively as you might be. The beauty of this forum is that the membership is consistently kind, empathetic, and quite importantly, forthright with observations of our fellow members experiences relating to their own sm's. Sometimes these observations can strike a nerve. Sometimes we might *feel* judged - which is a terrible. For me, feeling judged or scrutinized in anyway is the WORST! I'm here to tell you Tiffany, I think we need you here. You're perspective does differ from the majority of the membership. You're perspective is eye-opening to many of us. Imho, your relationship seems to deep in the "counter refusal" stage. Your husband starring as the *Counter Refuser Extraordinaire*. Please don't take this as a blasé statement. This is honestly how it appears to me - based on MY own experiences - my own perspective. Of course I could be completely off-base, but, this is how I see it. There have been many masterful, tactical ideas sent your way in regards to how to get your h back in the sex-loop with you. GREAT ideas that to me, as a refused spouse for many years and more recently a counter-refuser, break me heart a little. The advice I give to you, fwiw, is have a genuine, difficult, uncomfortable conversation with your husband who you obviously love dearly. Tell him that you KNOW you've refused him. Tell him you want AN intimate and sexual relationship with him - more than anything. Tell him you love him - tell him how attracted you are to him. Come from a perspective of *self*, i.e, how you feel and what you want / need. Try to avoid telling him what he needs to do - or what he isn't doing. You can only control yourself. The closest one can come to changing another's behavior is by changing our own behavior which can, potentially, elicit change in another. Just *do* you. Be as authentic as you can. If you feel like greeting him when he comes home from work dressed in a whipped-cream bikini then great! Do that, if it's YOU. Just try a paired-down, simple conversation about the real real. I'm sorry, but, if things don't get real - things aren't going to get better anytime soon. Tactical maneuvers can come off as manipulative. Anyway - these are my 2c. xx Thanks lyn. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 15:27:42 GMT -5
Tiffany? I get it. I understand why you don't do what you don't do. Why don't you gtfo or outsource? That idea hasn't crossed my mind. Well, maybe for a minute when I got that email from that friend. But that's the only time and even then the thought didn't last long
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 13:47:40 GMT -5
OK maybe this has been said and done a 1000 times already. 1. Talk about it with your H? 2. Go to counselling? 3. Go away for a week-end even if it is to a Motel 8 off the next exit ramp. Do you still love him and want be a HAPPY COUPLE in LOVE? Does He? Then maybe it is worth making efforts. And the obvious too obvious - "It Take Two to Make a Thing Go Right" - you both have to want it and desire it. Personally, yes, I heard a lot of this from my W - she needed to feel desired and loved - the "sex" begins hours before the bed chamber - it is an all day thing and a BAROMETER of the health of the couple. If the SEXLESSNESS is there it 99 out of a 100 is but a SYMPTOM of deeper problems - It don't matter who is the Refuser or the Refused - because these roles as we see can interchange. My nose is running but the problem aint my nose it is a cold virus in my blood. my knee hurts - but it aint my knee it is my Iliot Tibial band that runs from my back bone to my heel. The marriage is sexless but it aint the lack of sex that is CAUSING the sexlessness - it is something somewhere else. I have brought up him and I going to joint therapy and he has flat refused. I may try again on my end and see if a third time will be of any help. We are going on vacation in a little over a week and maybe, I doubt for a weekend, but maybe for a few hours since we're staying with family, he and I could do something together. We'll see.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 13:44:23 GMT -5
I would be interested in reading your husband's side of the story. Tiffany, would you be willing to invite him hereand to allow him to read your posts and tell his view of the marriage? That could help people provide more useful feedback and some of the refused may develop insights to apply to their own situations. There is one thing about your situation that baffles me. You have now explained that your husband works as long as 10-hour days outside repairing turbine windmills. Sometimes he is working in 101 degree heat. You also said he gets up at 5:30 am to go to work and you are in bed then. You no longer work your job in marketing because you had felt your coworkers were unkind and lazy and you had to do their work. You said all of the jobs in your town are like that. Consequently, in addition to working long days during manual labor in uncomfortable conditions, presumably your husband is working with lazy, unsupportive people. Yet, due to your unhappiness at work, he encouraged you to not work, leaving him as the sole provider for a family of 4 that includes teen girls. On the weekend day that was your anniversary, he worked. You were annoyed that he did not wish you a happy anniversary nor make anniversary plans. You did not mention doing anything for your husband to celebrate or to acknowledge your anniversary. My question is: When you look back at that day, is there anything you wish you had done differently? Looking back on that day, yes there are things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had said no to my daughter having a friend over. When he came home, he did inadvertently open a small crack where I probably could have talked him into at least going out to dinner that I don't think I saw at the time. (Hindsight and all). As for getting him here online? Um.... no. Here's why. I had joined EP several years ago and he found out. He was upset saying that our live didn't need to be out there. Funny thing was I hadn't put any personal info about us on EP other than I was looking to spice things up and such.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 7:00:02 GMT -5
So, I have read responses to my last post here. While yes some have been helpful and even given me ideas, there are some that have me feeling frustrated.
I understand that about 99% of the people on this forum at the refused in their respected relationships. It must me hard when someone like me, the refuser as I have been labeled, comes on.
I came across this forum and thought, "finally, a forum where I could maybe get some advice on how to correct things"
Nope. Not the case. I have spent more time explaining and defending myself than I have anything else. Being told I don't have a low libido and that I just don't want to have sex with my H.
If that was the case and I was as self centered as that I would have gone for an AP or FWB a LONG time ago, yet I haven't nor am I looking to.
I am genuinely trying to work on my issues with H regarding sex. Telling him what I want more of in that department and so forth.
Just because I read and write "romance" doesn't mean I'm always wanting sex. Quite the opposite. One reply to my last post has me even more convinced that romance and sex DO NOT go hand and hand and that wanting a romantic sexual relationship with my H is an illusion for movies and books.
Thanks for opening my eyes there.
No else here is walking in my shoes or walking around in my head. Funny how I'm self centered yet several posts I've read and even commented on are more self centric than mine. But hey that's okay right? I'm the refuser so how can I relate to any of your issues?
I'm not using sex as a game against my H though some of you may think so. If that were the case, I'm losing said game.
I know what our relationship was like in the beginning and I want just a sliver of that back. There was an intimacy along with the sex that's been missing for years. But I didn't remove it. I just want some of it back and that's what I was hoping to get help on here.
They say it's easier to talk to a stranger than a friend. Well, I no longer believe that old saying to be true.
Guess I'm once more being over dramatic and wanting a "lie" called "romance" with my H?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 6:29:12 GMT -5
What kind of work does he do? Is it outside work? Yes it is outside work. He works on turbine windmills. He climbed them and maintains them.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 1:27:32 GMT -5
Yes my H can be a dickhead but this wasn't one of those times
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 1:26:27 GMT -5
Since writing the previous post, I noticed Tiffany says she initiated. What did you do to initiate? I am wondering if it was so subtle that it went over his head. It wasn't subtle and stop making him out like a complete idiot dickhead. I initiated that I wanted to have sex tonight. We texted back and forth and he was onboard. When he got home though he was beat. As I was cooking he passed out in then chair. Then almost did the same thing during the movie we picked to watch during dinner. So yes he WAS tired and this wasn't him blowing me off or me not following through.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 16, 2017 1:23:33 GMT -5
"H came home from work looking beat. Plus it got to almost 110 today and he was out in it." Did you offer him a bj? I don't see any evidence that he refused you. What I see happened was what typically happens the rare times refuser offer sex. The refused figure out a way to avoid it. If your husband had come home and you had sent the kids out, greeted him in a sexy outfit, handed him a drink and got to your knees and unzipped him and then he pushed you away, said, "I'm tired" and went to bed, you would have had reason not to have sex. That's not what you describe happening. I have found that a man who is tired after working a long, hot day will perk up quickly for a blowjob. The times that I'm interested but partner really is too tired, I get a verbal explanation, a raincheck that gets folllwed through on within less than a day. My partner is 65 and has had a heart attack. I can't remember him ever being too tired for a bj. His dick might be unable to rise to the occasion, but otherwise, he would be accepting. After all, I'd be doing all of the work. It is difficult for me to imagine that your fit, far younger husband who has a high libido turned down a bj tonight. If your husband were posting here, he probably would be sounding like the rest of the refused husbands. He might post that his wife used to refuse sex saying she was too stressed from her job so he told her to quit and they'd get by on one income that he earned from his job that stressed him out. Afterward, she still wouldn't have sex with him. He might say that he has to get up at 5:30 to go to his job and his wife doesn't even let him touch her before he leaves. He'd like to start the day with sex, but she claims to be too tired even though she could sleep all day since she doesn't have a job. She doesn't bother to get up and fix him breakfast or a passionate kiss.The house looks a wreck. He feels unloved and unappreciated. She claims to have no libido but spends her time reading and writing romance novels. But she's not romantic with him. He had to work on their anniversary and had hoped for some anniversary sex. But when he got home, she hadn't done anything to look sexy. She didn't even mention their anniversary. Usually he was the one who planned things, but since she usually complained about the restaurant and wasn't interested in sex and only said happy anniversary in response to his words, he decided to do nothing and see if it meant enough to her to acknowledge the day. She didn't. When one of the kids asked if a friend could stay over, he asked his wife hoping that she'd say no since it was their anniversary, he had worked all day, and it would be hard to get romantic with a guest in the house. His wife eagerly said yes to the sleepover. So, of course there was no sex, not even a hand job on their anniversary. He got sex a few days later and thought she liked it. But apparently it didn't please her because she never said anything about it or seemed interested in more. When he has great sex, he is eager for more, but his wife didn't say or do anything indicating she wanted a follow up. She did text him something that could have been snarky. Then she sent him something that could have meant she was comparing him unfavorably with men in her romance books. Still, maybe she was hinting about sex. He came home puzzled and wary after deciding to follow her lead. She did absolutely nothing indicating sexual interest in him. He decides it's not worth it to initiate. He must have been stupid to have had hope. He goes to bed angry and wondering what it would be like to have a wife who appreciated him and gave a damn. Okay, now you are just ASSUMING stuff and twisting everything. He DID give an explanation and said he was TIRED and APOLOGIZED for not having a hot evening like we planned. I never said anything about morning sex or him offering or even hinting at it. You need to stop with placing the blame on me about a situation you know nothing about and assuming facts about me. My old job wasn't stressful and he didn't tell me to quit. (Another fact you twisted) I was let go due to downsizing. He SUGGESTED I not return to the work force and I AGREED with him. If I had wanted to work I would have. So before you make assumptions on how he or I would respond... get your quotes right at least.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 23:30:15 GMT -5
A page or so of posts ago, you said something very revealing tiffanyc - to wit - " We do have issues outside the sex. That just seems to be the bigger problem so I'm going after it first." Take this for what it is worth, but the vast majority of situations here reflect the same common thing. A fundamentally dysfunctional relationship with sex as the most visible symptom of the underlying malaise. To concentrate on the sex is to concentrate on the symptom, not the disease. It's akin to gobbling handfuls of aspirin to treat an infected tooth. Yes, that's true. I'm not ignoring the other issues, in fact as I tackle the sex one, I'm also working on some of the others. Multitasking if you will.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:49:57 GMT -5
Probably be smart to word your spouse up on what you propose. I think so too
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