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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:41:10 GMT -5
You mention "our" friend - presumably a friend of you both - so that would eliminate you (or him) feeling "ganged up on". It could have something going for it - if she has any mediation skills. It could also ignite an explosion if she hasn't got mediation skills. She's been a mediator for us before. When we were stationed at LeJune in North Carolina. She saw his side and mine and that helped.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:33:49 GMT -5
If you've got some alternative plan to start the necessary dialogue Sister tiffanyc , then good on you. It certainly reads like you need an "umpire" or "mediator" or "referee" or similar to facilitate such a conversation. Therapy most certainly is NOT for everyone. If I could get our friend from California out here for a weekend and send the kids to friends oh hell yeah. She knows us both well and be a perfect choice. In fact I may see about calling her and talking to her about this and get her insight.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:31:45 GMT -5
I'm feeling a lot better. Good
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:22:52 GMT -5
Update 2: I was right. He was beat and is currently in bed. He did say sorry about not having the hot evening. Am I disappointed? A little but hey, I tried a different tactic with him, I initiated things, but hell, working out in 110 heat would zap anybody's mood. Especially when you're working for 10 hours.
I'll do it again tomorrow and since it's Friday and should be home all weekend I think I have a better shot.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:19:40 GMT -5
Have you considered the obvious, neither of you really want the other sexually. And you use this issue of sex so that you don't have to really look at your marriage. The number one comment you always hear from new people is "everything is great but the sex" ..... the old times here always have a giggle at that one. Being sexually attracted to him isn't the problem. It's more how HE approaches it with me. I never said everything else is good nor do I pretend it is. We do have issues outside the sex. That just seems to be the bigger problem so I'm going after it first. I am looking at my marriage just from a different window.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:16:37 GMT -5
Who is the refuser in these situations ain't any more important than who is the refused. It doesn't matter - unless, you wish to apply labels and apportion blame. Neither of which will do anything to bring this deal to resolution. You present as a pretty typical chick. Nothing about what you have written suggests to me that you are disinterested in sex. There's a hint or two that your spouses version of sex or at least the preliminaries to it, are not your ideal. There are clear indicators that you are not willing to clearly communicate with your spouse, as you fear his reaction. That is presumably history based, not something that has just emerged. You note having tried the usual scented candles strategies in the past, with sub optimal results. Your spouse, based on your comments, appears to be something of a dick. But he ain't writing here. You are. And that indicates that the situation is bothering you a whole heap more than it is bothering him. But the situation is at an impasse. The very thing that might break the nexus, a straight up conversation and exchange of views, is the very thing you don't want to do - and quite possibly your spouse doesn't want to do either. The notion of engaging an objective 3rd party, a therapist, to help start the necessary dialogue doesn't appear to have any appeal for you - and perhaps your spouse either. So the impasse remains in place. And appears likely to remain in place indefinitely. In its' current format, your deal looks fucked. And that, would be down to both of you. I read your comment. I want to address the therapist part first. That seems to be thrown at me ALOT since I started posting. Look, I've done the therapist route. Twice and personally it's not for me. Yes I was given advice and tips but therapy isn't for everyone and it doesn't work for everyone. I'm just saying. Now, you mentioned my "fear of his reaction". I fear it but not because I'm "scared of him", it's more I don't want to end up in an argument where neither of us really hear the other and therefore nothing is resolved. I'm thinking of a different way to put this subject on the table that will not end in the same old argument. Been there done that and frankly it's exhausting. Yes my H can be a dick, yet I can be a bitch sometimes. We're both stubborn hard-headed people. But what can you do right? You are right about his version and my version of sex not lining up. Well, I'm hoping to fix that. Or at least try and get us on the same track there. Maybe we wont be on the same track ALL the time, but hey, a little deviation can be fun right?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 21:41:56 GMT -5
My evening has started out pleasant. This morning I texted H asking if he was gonna run this evening and if so, could ride the bike with him. He said ok. He gets home and said we would wait till about 7 when it's a little cooler. He then mentioned he had shaved his boys down under. Lol I said well I could do a bj cause well, um yeah monthly visitor and all. So what started as a bj lead to a boob job then... hehehe I ended up bent over the bed. What made this time different was how he was touching me. Is this a good thing? I mean yeah it is but given our roller coaster sex life should I just take this a an up and not read more into it? Need advice. Okay okay... Late to the party... But this meme was too accurate for period fun to resist. fb picture uploaderLol!!!!
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 20:39:20 GMT -5
I agree with bballgirl. I don't think there is anything wrong with your sex drive at all. I think you just can't get it up for your husband any more because he is walking around in his own protective shell thinking about his own pleasure and he refuses to crack it open and give you what YOU need in return. But ... you are still married to him and he is not going to do anything about this by himself. So the onus is on you. How about you promise him really good sex but only if he takes you out and romances you properly first. You could give him a score out of 10. Anything over a 6 and the date ends in sex. Anything over an 8 and he gets something special. It might feel horribly artificial and you might feel he is only doing it to get laid. But right now you are at an impasse and you need to break it somehow. After a couple of months of seeing how you respond to it he might just figure out that this is important. And if he doesn't - well at least you know at that point that he is never going to give you what you want. Good idea.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 19:13:02 GMT -5
Post update: well, the hot night I was aiming for may be out on hold.
H came home from work looking beat. Plus it got to almost 110 today and he was out in it.
But it's still early so he could feel up to it after dinner and having a chance to actually cool off. If not, well, I'll text him again tomorrow and we'll see if we can't make it up. 😊
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 18:11:01 GMT -5
Sending you a big hug. I can't imagine how hard it is but I know about the frustration. Just be patient and things will go your way honey. I know they will.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 17:39:05 GMT -5
Wow. Okay, I've read a few articles that people have posted and said "oh you have to check this out" This one actually made sense to and I agreed with what the guy was saying. Thanks for sharing this!!
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 17:16:54 GMT -5
Look, I'm sorry if I came off bitchy to GC and I do apologize for that. I'm not here to offend anyone or to tick people off.
If I have I am sorry.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 17:05:59 GMT -5
Look, I get that you're going through a really crappy time right now with your W or whatever, but I don't appreciate you tossing in things that YOUR THERAPIST has told YOU about YOU AND YOUR W. And do NOT compare ME and MY situation with my H to YOU and YOURS. If I wanted a therapist again I'd look for one. Wishing you a wonderful, intimate evening with your H. tonight. May all your dreams come true. Thank you. I hope in time things get better for you and yours and you find happiness.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 15:24:36 GMT -5
I get what you're saying now. However, what's going on with me and H is OUR issues. We do our best to keep the bedroom issues away from them as they don't need to know. Our kids come first. End of story. Even I believe there are issues between parents kids don't need to see or know about. Here's my knee jerk reaction. Anyone else feel free to correct or add in. You didn't answer the question. "our kids come first. End of story" That's very telling. Like many, once the youngest is out of H.S. the marriage will be over for both of you. As our therapist stated " The two of you are setting a horrible example of what a loving, giving, intimate, relationship should be". Look, I get that you're going through a really crappy time right now with your W or whatever, but I don't appreciate you tossing in things that YOUR THERAPIST has told YOU about YOU AND YOUR W. And do NOT compare ME and MY situation with my H to YOU and YOURS. If I wanted a therapist again I'd look for one.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 14:48:05 GMT -5
Okay, yes I knew he was a soldier when I married him. I wasn't using his deployments as an excuse. I mentioned them because that's a point of reference for his change regarding sex. Maybe I'm the only one who saw that. As for other women around...um nope. Sorry wrong. We didn't live on base and I had no desire to mingle with my fellow Marine wives when I saw first hand how backstabbing they could be. (I do mean first hand.) And what do you mean my daughters? They were nearly 5 and 3 when he got out and don't remember him being in. If you mean in regards to the sex, that is between me and my H and we do our best to keep the lack of to ourselves. Friend, I mean now, for your daughters, and how you answer questions. This is how my Wife answers questions. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/When you read about it, you will read that we all do it to some degree, mostly, and only when having to defend ourselves when falsely accused. It's a very strong manipulation tactic. Your husband might use it on you. You may know family or friends who use it. You may have learned to use it yourself without realizing it. I can not, and will not judge that. Back to the original question. How much of your lives revolves around the children? How much of your conversations are about the children? Your activities? Your finances? The food you eat? The house you live in? The job you have, or don't have? Seeing family, or not seeing family? Going to church, or not going to church? The mini van you drive verses his pick up truck? The vacations you go on? The shows you watch together? How much you keep your intimacy to yourselves? to the point that it ceases to exist? All in the name of " For the good of the family?" A little of my story. I think this needs repeating. Our therapist asked my wife and I to write down our top 5 most important things in our lives, and put them in order of importance.I found my wife"s list. It had 4 things on it. 1) God 2) Family 3) work 4) church. I told her " That's a very good list". I then asked her, "where's marriage on here?" That got her. But only for a while. She replied.... " oh..that's part of family". I informed her, "No it isn't. Every thing I have read, or heard, says 1) God 2) marriage 3) family. I then quoted some sources. She clammed up. I also received much backing by our therapist, she didn't like that! I get what you're saying now. However, what's going on with me and H is OUR issues. We do our best to keep the bedroom issues away from them as they don't need to know. Our kids come first. End of story. Even I believe there are issues between parents kids don't need to see or know about.
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