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Post by whuffo on Apr 14, 2017 9:38:00 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. No he sure as hell doesn't make things easier. For example every so often - perhaps five or six months, i will bring up the sexless topic. It's extremely hard-going to psyche myself up for it in the first place and then knowing yet again how it will go, the excess talking, the fall out. I am left emotionally drained by the whole thing. Then I'm left thinking it's me, why can't i be happy with the way things are - looks good on paper, good people, great kids, nice home etc. Beat myself up psychologically again and again - then back to the treadmill. As unfortunate as it is, welcome to our group. We're here for you. And it's insightful that you already mentioned the treadmill that our lives are. We can walk, jog or full out sprint with the incline set at 10, but we are no further along when we step off. That's exactly how our refusers want it. They set the speed and incline and we run our little hearts out until we are out of breath. Knowing that and understanding that is liberating and helps us not run quite so hard the next time they put their finger on the speed button. Again, welcome, and I hope you take away some things from this forum that will help you on your journey, whether it's advice, a laugh, or information to help you learn more about what we are all going through together.
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Post by whuffo on Apr 12, 2017 10:18:14 GMT -5
How many red flags do you think means "GET AWAY!"? One.
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Post by whuffo on Mar 27, 2017 1:22:11 GMT -5
Here's my article: Dear Wife, While life is not even close to what it was when we first met, I am still the person you married. I still have hopes, dreams, wants, desires. Some of them have evolved with the introduction of our children, but none of them are invalid. I will continue to do my best to provide for and protect you and our kids down to my last breath. I will work long hours so that you can be there for every bump and scrape, every game, every bedtime story. I will make sure my paycheck keeps milk in the fridge. I will risk traffic offenses to rush our kids to the ER for the broken arm. So, as we click off the years, please remember that while the children will have periods that require our utmost attention and time, there will come a time that they will depart our nest for the real world, and then we will be forced to go back to what we had prior. If we neglect each other for temporary "higher priorities" we ourselves will turn back after watching them fly away to see an empty nest. Either our marriage will have long since dissolved and we will not even recognize the person standing before us, or there will be no person standing before us. So while everybody changes over time, I ask that you remember the person you married and work your hardest not to lose touch with what brought us together to begin with and keep that and all aspects of that sacred. In the long run, we, and our entire family will benefit from us having a bond and connection that will always remain unbreakable.
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Post by whuffo on Mar 22, 2017 23:49:50 GMT -5
The only apologies in my house are from me. I issue them all the time and with some petty issues as I'm always doing something that doesn't meet her standard. Yet when she describes me in an argument I am the type that will "never apologize". SM with a side of DARVO perhaps?
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Post by whuffo on Mar 22, 2017 2:46:14 GMT -5
Top 10 Songs (what else, ha ha?) R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts R.E.M. - Man On the Moon Red Hot Chili Peppers - Warlocks David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes John Frusciante - Central Dire Straits - Tunnel of Love Cream - BADGE The Gist - Love At First Sight The Rolling Stones - Monkey Man [rotating placeholder - because I *cannot be limited to only 10 songs!] I go more off the charts for some of my top 10 songs, in no particular order: 1. Fade away - Bodeans 2. Midnight Rider - Allman Brothers 3. Release - Pearl Jam 4. Clean My Wounds - Corrosion of Conformity 5. Jenny Says - Cowboy Mouth 6. I Am - Train 7. Ashes to Ashes - Faith No More 8. The Bleeding - Five Finger Death Punch 9. Dear God - Avenged Sevenfold 10. .45 (the acoustic version) - Shinedown
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Facing it
Mar 22, 2017 1:41:54 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by whuffo on Mar 22, 2017 1:41:54 GMT -5
That's where "alternative facts" come in to play. Observable fact - you are in an ILIASM shithole. Alternative fact you tell yourself - "everything is great bar the sex". I'm more in the camp of thinking "everything sucks... bar the sex" That's my truth.
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Post by whuffo on Mar 9, 2017 11:44:41 GMT -5
Dude, that was seriously one of the most thought provoking posts I've seen on this forum. Thanks for articulating it so well and sharing with us all. This is one of those posts that we can all learn from, take the reins back and stop feeling sorry for ourselves. Best of luck to you and thanks for stirring up some deep seated feelings that need to come back to the front for a lot of us here. I tip my glass to you brother.
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Post by whuffo on Feb 16, 2017 16:08:32 GMT -5
I hate cooking. I've always been bad at it....which makes me hate it! I'm usually pretty good at whatever I try my hand at.....except fucking cooking! BUT he was a chef. A very bloody good one too, cooked for the royal family by invitation once. Does he cook for me ever? No. And when I make something, he always slates it, or silently eats a few mouthfuls and leaves the rest. It's an issue! One of many lol EDIT..I have asked him to help me learn many times. But he doesn't let me learn. He takes over. So I stopped asking. You know EO, some of my most fun, romantic, foreplayish (if you consider that a word!) times were when me and a former girlfriend (who couldn't cook either) hit the kitchen together. Usually we ended up with food all over, half dressed, burnt food (who cares if it stays in too long when you're in the middle of getting some, right?) but it was a whole lotta fun. So sorry that nobody ever took the time to bring you into the fun in the kitchen!
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Post by whuffo on Feb 16, 2017 15:17:31 GMT -5
You are dead on Mrslowmaintenance, it is a busy, stressful lonely life. Add no time for the things I enjoy that energize me, and no sex to boot and it is a train wreck. It is almost impressive, though, her systematic takedown of me, my defenses. I'm not a meek, soft-spoken follower type that you would expect this to happen to. I'm a Type-A, strong-willed, military special ops guy who you think would have been able to see through the bullshit and defend against it. But she used some pretty effective tactics of subversion that would make an effective covert operative! Kinda impressive in some ways. So, here I am, working my ass off day in and day out for an unappreciative, lackluster, sponge of a wife. And yes. It has come to a head several time in recent arguments where she would bring up leaving and I didn't tell her not to go. She backed down a bit from her controlling, demanding self when I did that. So I've taken the pedestal down quite a bit. I'm just not as invested as I was, but if she leaves I will hardly ever see my kids, and they mean the world to me. We are stationed overseas, so if she left she'd have to head back to the states and I am here for another 2 years. Which is worse, not getting to see your kids grow up, or having an empty shell of a marriage?
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Post by whuffo on Feb 15, 2017 14:56:55 GMT -5
I did... still do to some extent, but now the "nice" things have become an expectation and there is absolutely zero reciprocation. In my single days I learned to cook like a madman because that was a great way to impress a date. When we were dating my wife loved the meals I made and since I'm the better cook anyway she just left it to me. Then began the whole not even getting out of bed to come get it, so I did my nice guy dutiful job of delivering it to her. Years later she tells me that cooking for her isn't a nice, romantic thing to do because, and I quote, "you have to eat anyway". True, but alone I don't need to make roasted game hens and wild rice and serve creme Brule for desert. (yes, homemade and with the crusty burnt sugar top)
I've been an enabler for a manipulator as I was lead to believe that if I was nicer and did more I'd get my needs met. Never came to fruition, and now I still struggle with the lack of help around the house from her. Did I mention that she's a stay at home wife and I work a more than full time job and handle our kids school, doctors, sports, scout schedule? She still gets her share of nice things coming her way, but I've started scaling back and been making her fend for herself a bit. Oh, still did the whole card, chocolates, flowers for V-tines day... nothing in return, as usual. Not surprised.
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Post by whuffo on Feb 14, 2017 17:22:24 GMT -5
This is a fascinating article on intimacy, with stunning photographs. It's a bit lengthy, so pull up a chair. It's worth it though! I truly believe it's the lack of intimacy, not the lack of sex, that brings us all here. If we had intimacy, sex would follow naturally. The lack of sex is just a symptom. www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201701/getting-closeWow, great article Elle! Exactly what I've felt when my W gets pissed at me for not opening up. Glad to see there's a bit of psychology behind it and it gives me a bit of my own personal validation that the years of rejection take its toll on that. Again, great link!
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Post by whuffo on Feb 14, 2017 16:33:44 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. Obviously this approach may not work in all scenarios... it may not work in most, I have been wrong before. I know someone who will vouch for that (wink wink... my wife over there...) but if, and only IF you have a type of relationship with him that would allow this, why don't you ask him why he's being such a bitch? Why should you feel bad because he doesn't want a ready and willing woman to jump on him. If my wife had 1/50,000th of that desire I wouldn't be on this forum. However, if I said anything like that to her, I could guarantee that I'd never come anywhere near the V again. I still might not, but that would seal it! For you, maybe the "call you out and insult you for being such a bitch" tactic might work... but you know what you can and can't do. Happy Valentines Day though! If you were my wife I'd be glad to let you jump me as many times as you wanted today!
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Post by whuffo on Jan 27, 2017 11:47:56 GMT -5
I'm with EO, hanging out over here in the EU, so please let us know when you intend to make this international an we can all make this our own Brexit! You all enjoy though Florida though. And if you want a cheaper lodging option, look at VRBO or homeaway websites. You can get some pretty bad-ass houses well equipped for less than a hotel if you want to split costs with others. We rented one in Ft Lauderdale a bunch of years ago. It was 1000$ a day, but had about 15 bedrooms, was waterfront, had a pool and hot tub, looked like a castle a even had an original Monet painting displayed inside. It was an amazing place to stay and when we all split it up, it cost each family less than if we had stayed in hotels.
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Post by whuffo on Jan 13, 2017 10:35:23 GMT -5
Why freefall is better than sex: 1. It's one long orgasm. 2. It can last up to 75 seconds or even more (my record was 100 seconds). Compare the average male orgasm that lasts... 5 seconds? No contest 3. No STDs 4. No pregnancies 5. You can have freefall orgasms out in the open, totally in public, and not get arrested or risk your sex averse W calling you a pervert 6. You can have group orgies... er... group freefall with as many people as you like. My record is 35, what's the biggeest sex orgy you've been in? And it's all legal and socially acceptable 7. The afterglow is truly amazing. Especially the first time, when you can't believe you actually lived, LOL. That's better than any drug concocted by man, the ultimate natural high 8. You can pop people's cherries, just by hooking up with them. In freefall. (three are at least 4 more but they escape me now) Or maybe I'm just gray-asexual LOL You forgot to mention that it's perfectly acceptable to jump with someone you meet on the plane ride up! Plus have you ever been to an orgy where everyone is wearing a GoPro and has no issues showing that footage to the family at Thanksgiving?
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Post by whuffo on Jan 13, 2017 8:38:41 GMT -5
That might lead to a discussion of... "Is it true that freefall is better than sex?" LOL C109xx SCS28xx ETA: figures lie and liars figure ETA2: Come to think of it, it's actually a very relevant question! To answer your question, I vaguely remember a time (with partners other than the W) when Skydiving wasn't better, but these days, not only is free fall better, but it's more frequent and lasts longer than sexual encounters with my W! So YES, free fall is better!
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