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Post by whuffo on Sept 16, 2019 20:12:37 GMT -5
The thing is, that what we are dealing with in our respective ILIASM deals, is that our respective spouses are exhibiting behaviours that make them unsuitable life partners for us. That could be because they are narcissists. It could be some other mental issue, diagnosed or undiagnosed. Could be past trauma. Might be that they are just a shit of a person. Possibly sexually anorexic, or any other of the "labels" we see bandied about. The specific "why" doesn't matter a real lot. Your options in the face of the rejective behaviour don't change. While the “why” does not matter, it certainly gives some people a reason to stop why chasing... I wasn’t why chasing as much as I was trying to find out what I had to protect myself and kids against. And that is a good reason to me to dig deep.
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Post by whuffo on Sept 16, 2019 16:03:12 GMT -5
If you look into NPD, you might very well put a picture of your refuser in its place a lot of times. I know as soon as I did it was very easy to see narcissistic traits in my W. The shrink for men website is very enlightening about it, and it’s by a woman, so it’s hard for dissenters to jump on the woman-hater bandwagon, as you see in the comments of some of the websites. A more surprising trait to look into is psychopathy. While hearing that word makes you think cold-blooded killers, there’s a range to it, like other disorders. A very good friend and confidant of mine who is in the medical field turned me in to that potential and upon reading more I can see some traits as well from that. Again, very enlightening. Your spouse may or may not have those traits, but as I looked into it, I could see a blending of several things. And the problem with people with these issues, they’ll be the last ones to actually allow themselves to be diagnosed, either through a lot of FOG and DARVO.
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Post by whuffo on Mar 2, 2019 16:14:52 GMT -5
“If you’re going to burn bridges, make sure you use it to light the way for you”
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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 17:15:47 GMT -5
ITI, I’ll give you some fresh advice.
Celebrate your decision (when the time is right for YOU, of course) by doing something you’ve always wanted to. Go for a tandem skydive, or find some fellow that you’re jiving with go out for a nice ride on the back of a motorcycle with him, holding on tight. Do what you want and deserve to do. The proceedings will happen. Live a little... live a lot.... just live like you’ve missed out for 20+ years
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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 16:30:33 GMT -5
None of us know she knows her own situation enough to know it’s wise to get out without consulting a lawyer. We do know it’s wise to get facts before making any major decision. Many of us also have experienced or have seen folks shred their cred by prematurely announcing divorce. There also are some who have been financially or otherwise screwed by a spouse who was unexpectedly vindictive and secretive. As for congrats, whether she divorces or not is her call. Some here announced they were divorcing and then changed their mind after figuring out the risks weren’t worth the things they would lose, including being with a partner who loved them. I don’t have any stake in her marriage. I just hope that whatever she chooses is a fully informed choice. Regardless of what others have or haven’t done, ITI reached deep, found some testicular fortitude that a lot of others here, myself included, have not done. Everybody’s situation is different and require a different approach. It’s called individualised consideration. I saw enough responses to her brave post about lawyers that I felt compelled to say something to comment on the courage and strength it takes to finally stand up and take her life back. Let’s rally around that and look at it as inspiration. You are an inspiration ITI! Well done!!!
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Post by whuffo on Jan 22, 2019 15:32:19 GMT -5
So instead of piling on sister ITI for knowing her own situation enough to know that it’s not the right time for a lawyer for her and her deal, how about congratulating her for having the courage and fortitude to setting the groundwork to finally getting the life she wants and deserves? Something that so many of us here have not done. Congratulations Sister ITI! While a lot of us sit stagnant in our deal, you have the fortitude and strength to make the only change that will make a difference as all statistics show. Stay strong as you are in for an uphill battle, and when the time is right for YOU, you will know what to do. Thank you for sharing that inspirational news and congratulations again. You have my utmost respect.
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Post by whuffo on Nov 13, 2018 6:35:23 GMT -5
Wow. Thanks for posting that link. I had read a lot on narcissists over the last few years, but that one really hit home. I could relate with virtually every one of those points. And it’s given me the confidence in the belief that I cannot change what is going on. I’ve been in a place to accept that, but that just tells me that I’m right. I know it’s going to be a difficult path, but I’ve already emotionally distanced myself and will continue to work on severing the ties and finding myself once again. Wish me luck! I’m rolling up my sleeves for a battle! Again, much appreciation for sharing that link.
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Post by whuffo on Sept 15, 2018 15:45:05 GMT -5
But what would they learn ? I’m almost positive a majority do not believe they are are doing anything wrong. I completely agree. I would be solely to blame if I left and she’d feel that it was my fault. Hell, I haven’t left and it’s solely my fault! Ignorance is sexless bliss I guess!
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Post by whuffo on Aug 21, 2018 16:30:00 GMT -5
ironhamster sky diving has been on my wish list for so long! It will be one of the first things I do when I have financial freedom. You’ve gotta do it! You haven’t really lived until you’ve hucked yourself out of an airplane. I was a tandem master and I got such a thrill out of taking first time jumpers on a ride. It made me feel the thrill all over again each time. Do it immediately and come back here and tell us all about it!!! It’ll change your life! Luckily I was a skydiver before my SM started or else it probably would have been squashed
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Post by whuffo on Aug 17, 2018 8:27:52 GMT -5
The other side of this discussion is that I know of at least one person on this site that hit the eject button on their marriage and has not been seen much since. I admit that if I did the same it might be difficult to revisit this site in sake of moving forward with my life. Plus if I was actually in a new relationship and had a sex life, I certainly wouldn’t want to be on here bragging about it. My hats off to those that escaped and still come here to offer support, and I know there’s a couple of you, Baza, BBall, but some of us might not do the same. So might a dwindling active membership number be a good thing? You can't move on until you heal, otherwise all your doing is covering the wound up and it's still bleeding underneath the bandage. For many of us this site is a support group, it offers a way to help heal and those that are better turn around and help those that need it. You’re right in the regard of healing before you move on. However, in a SM, healing can be as simple as escaping what the problem is... the partner who intentionally sabotages your wants/needs/desires. Sure we all bring issues in to any relationship, but I’d say there’s a majority of cases here that are not the main “problem” in this regard. So escaping the SM might very well be the key and I certainly wouldn’t be feeling like I was just sweeping it under the rug and trying to forget it instead of fixing it if I leave. Sure, I have things I can work on, but I am here at this support group for a sexless marriage to get support for...... a sexless marriage.... no amount of fixing me will make my wife a more enthuastic, willing, fun sexual partner that she claimed she’d be and then didn’t become. A lot of people, myself included at one point, shoulder the blame for this. But through the wise words of folks here, I am now aware of the truth: this was not my doing. What is my doing is what I choose to do knowing what I know. So if I leave the marriage because of this, I will not have one moment of concern that I am hiding wounds.
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Post by whuffo on Jul 21, 2018 10:59:02 GMT -5
The other side of this discussion is that I know of at least one person on this site that hit the eject button on their marriage and has not been seen much since. I admit that if I did the same it might be difficult to revisit this site in sake of moving forward with my life. Plus if I was actually in a new relationship and had a sex life, I certainly wouldn’t want to be on here bragging about it. My hats off to those that escaped and still come here to offer support, and I know there’s a couple of you, Baza, BBall, but some of us might not do the same. So might a dwindling active membership number be a good thing?
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Post by whuffo on Mar 24, 2018 20:50:58 GMT -5
She Hates Me, by Puddle of Mud....
"She was queen for about an hour, After that, shit got sour She took all I ever had No sign of guilt No feeling bad..."
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Post by whuffo on Mar 18, 2018 20:20:47 GMT -5
Edit to add to my above comment..... There are articles on there on avoiding these guys. So let me amend my comments. They can't say EVERYTHING in every article, so with the exception of one or two pieces on the site that might have benefitted from a caveat, I do think it's a good site. Surfergirl, you should write a self-help book for women on how to be more direct and less cryptic. Your candid way of speaking is something that's missing from a lot of women out there. There's enough literature out there for men on how to communicate more in line with how women do, it's about time one is put out that addresses the other side! If BOTH parties in a relationship worked to communicate for the listener instead of there being so much focus on how bad men are at it and how to fix them, maybe things would improve
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Post by whuffo on Mar 18, 2018 14:00:50 GMT -5
In addition to the traditional meditation, something that has been gaining popularity is "mindfulness" meditation. The intent isn't too have a blank mind, but to focus on the present but accept it when your mind wanders and just bring bit back to what you were focusing on. I did it quite a bit during my TBI therapy several years ago and it has been proven that it helps rebuild neuro plasticity in your brain. What that really means,i don't know, but it has helped me out some. I don't do it nearly enough. There's a lot of resources found online about it. Anyone else taken up this?
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Post by whuffo on Feb 13, 2018 15:48:14 GMT -5
I haven't read the article yet, but what does does anyone suppose it means when I offer these bids and I'd estimate that about 90% of them are interrupted by my W about halfway through to fill me in on something completely unrelated to my topic? To me, it feels that she's not paying a damn bit of attention to what I'm saying and can't actually listen to me without her mind being somewhere else. It's easy to see through it when someone is faking paying attention, but it's downright rude to feel the constant need to interrupt. But she'll get downright pissed at me if I'm not making idle chit chat... I am hearing the song "I wanna talk about me" from Toby Keith run through my head. Not to minimize your feelings, though. It sucks. She is NOT picking up on YOUR needs. She is not "answering your bids." It means your wife is turning away from your bids (from the article). The more she "turns away" from you, doesn't answer your bid, doesn't meet your emotional/physical needs, the more the relationship dies. (and vice versa) Thanks. Great insight and dead on. And add to it the manipulative controlling traits of my dearly beloved and it makes a recipe for some disastrous moments. She has absolutely no issue calling me out if she thought I wasn't giving her my complete, undivided attention at all times (and using it against me at will at any time of her choosing later on) but if I were to entire it, even in the kindest way, she would be hurt, angry and would find a way to turn it around to be my fault anyway. Yee-haw hamster wheel!
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