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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 17, 2016 8:45:26 GMT -5
RexCorvus , you are amazing. Not many people have as much strength and wisdom as you do. And your strength and wisdom were very hard-earned. Thank you @smartkat. I need all the compliments I can get. I have experienced a lot, but I always remember something my grandma use to tell me "No matter how hard you think you have it, always remember there is someone out there who has it better than you and someone who has it worse than you". I was raised by loving grandparents, I wasn't beaten or physically abused, we always had something to eat, I had clothes to wear, and a roof over my head. They lived through the Great Depression and had a strong resiliency about them. I am very grateful to have been raised by them.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 16, 2016 14:31:48 GMT -5
baza, you and Ms Enna are such an inspiration to us all! Thank you for being selfish and sticking around. We benefit greatly from your self interest!
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 16, 2016 12:41:46 GMT -5
Quite a story. The one fact that jumps out most to me is that you got married under pressure. You did love her, but you weren't ready for marriage yet. That couldn't have worked. The sex was already dwindling before the marriage, so maybe it wasn't a bait and switch, but she took control of the relationship when you agreed to marry her. Leaving would be very difficult for you given your experience. But I think if you did leave it wouldn't be like your father. You would willingly pay post separation support and child support. You wouldn't leave them destitute then only show up when you die. You'd continue to support them and be a part of their lives. So if the thing keeping you in this marriage is that you don't want to be like your father, you don't need to worry about that. You can divorce and still be a family. I agree. Just because you divorce does not mean the family unit does not exist. My ex and I went to dinner with the kids tonight. @phinheasgage, thank you for reading my story and paying close attention to it. Yes, sex began to dwindle even before marriage. I do understand what you say when you say "she took control of the relationship when you agreed to marry her". I agree. My past has deeply influenced me in ways that I have only began to realize in the past 5 years. I know today that I have some co-dependent tendencies. Hindsight, I see my path to how I arrived here. I would not have made that choice today. Yes leaving for me is extremely difficult. I have wondered long and hard if it will tear me apart. I love my children and to hurt them by leaving may devastate me. I am the bread winner. I earn over 6 figures where my wife works part time and barely brings in 5 figures. We make ends meet now but just barely and we have some debt. She has no health insurance through her part time job. She has no degree, and not enough energy to return to college. So what can I do? @bballgril, I hope to be able to have what you have and be able to spend time with my kids and ex in a co-parenting friendship type of way. I have the beginning of a plan forming, which I need to post and get feedback on. I have 3 courses to go before I complete an MBA. I have already told my wife I plan on getting a second job afterwards so that we can payoff our debt. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, who I am fairly certain would allow me to rent out a room. Worst case I could possible rent a room from my mother. I will ask for a separation not a divorce. This way my wife can stay on my health insurance. I worry that my need to support my family and my ex will hinder any woman from wanting to be in a serious relationship with me in the future. That is how I am and what I need to do, so yes I have baggage, they will either take it or leave it.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 16, 2016 11:03:28 GMT -5
RexCorvus - This bit of your post leapt out at me - "Well my wife tracked her ovulation cycles. She kept charts in her night stand where every morning she would record her temperature, her cervical fluid consistency, if she had any breast tenderness, her spotting/periods... so she knew exactly when she was ovulating. When she was she would offer sex"- It reads like when she wants something off you - say kids - she is motivated, methodical, diligent and determined. - But if you want something off her, you can go fuck yourself. Is this THE BAZ? How are you and Mrs. Enna? baza, yes you are correct, when it come to sex, but only when it comes to sex. Anything else and she is more than accommodating. She is a good person, she isn't evil. She is a great mother to my children, a good friend, but has become a prude about sexual matters. To her sex is nothing but a chore and a reminder of her failure as a wife and woman. I also believe there is pain associated with the Lichen Sclerosus and other issues Lupus has caused her.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 16, 2016 10:50:53 GMT -5
RexCorvus Welcome to our community!!!!!! You can see, we are a great group of mostly sexually starved people. :-) Can you imagine getting a dozen of us in the same room for a night of drinks and laughs? The exponential effects of the combined sexual energy might reverse the Earth's rotation! JonDoe and ggold, There actually was a ILIASM trip once long ago. Several of the members on EP planned a trip and met somewhere in TX if I remember correctly. DryCreek , may remember. At that time I was all about "fixing" my SLM... today, I'd help plan. LOL
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 16, 2016 10:44:29 GMT -5
RexCorvus Wow! Your story. I'm so glad to hear that you are a TC survivor. Thank God! Lack of sex and cancer. This was interesting to me. So not only are our minds being fucked with in a SM, but our bodies as well!! I've had various physical ailments throughout my 23 years of marriage that, looking back, probably had to do with anxiety over the lack of sex and intimacy happening in my life. (among other things) You are funny with you are a "nut but not nuts." That made me laugh! AND THIS: "you want to know what is really F'd up? I had 2 more kids after having TC in a sexless marriage! I have A LOT of resentment about this entire situation" NO WAY!!!!! Living in a SM, having TC, and still having kids!!! Are you a magician? (LOL..trying to make you smile!!) " and I'm sorry for stealing the thread... this is therapy"---I began the thread.....steal away!!!! This IS therapy!!! Welcome to our community!!!!!! You can see, we are a great group of mostly sexually starved people. :-) G ggold, thank you for the warm welcome and providing the outlet for my therapy! The best part of TC is using it to make people laugh, being able to say testicle any time and to see people get a bit uncomfortable when I do! I use the "nut, not nuts" line a lot. LOL! Funny you ask if I'm a magician. I'm a bit of a geek and fix my co-workers technical issues all the time. There they call me The Wizard. LOL
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 17:13:47 GMT -5
“I wasn’t looking for Heaven or Hell, just someone to listen to the stories I tell”
With age, I can now look back and see the winding path through the hills and valleys that have gotten me to this place. To tell this story I have to start at the very beginning because each boulder and fallen tree that has disturbed way has led me to this place.
When I was an infant my father abandoned my mother and I with no money and no food. It is only recently that I have learned that he got involved in dealing drugs. One night he brought home a lot of money and my mother told him she wanted no part of it and to take it back. Well, he left and never came back. She told me Vietnam changed him, he just wasn’t the same after he returned from the war.
My mother was distraught. She was young, I think only 20 at the time. She didn’t know how to deal with it. She tried to get him to come back, she started hanging out with an unsavory group of people. My her parents, my grandparents, told her that they were going to take me in and that I shouldn’t grow up around that. Today, I know she regrets allowing them to take me but she was in no shape to raise me. No money, no job, and an emotional mess. I am better off for it.
My grandfather was disabled by a massive heart attack at 45 years old. My grandmother hadn’t worked since before she married my grandfather. She never drove and smoked like a chimney. As a little kid I helped my grandfather walk. He would say I was his cane. They were very proud of me and loved me as their own. We were poor. My grandfather had a small pension but we mostly lived off of social security, food stamps, and disability.
I was 12 years old and came home from school one day to find my grandparents, and my mother in the living room. When I came in they asked me to sit down, that they had something to tell me. My father had been killed drinking and driving. There were 6 people in the car, the rest survived, but when it flipped and he was ejected. I laughed it off, because I acted like I hated him. I went to my room, turned on some music and cried. I hated him for leaving me, but I deep down wanted to meet him. I wondered was I like him? Did he like the things I liked? Did we look alike?
It was about this time that my grandmother began getting sick. She started coughing a lot, being tired all the time, spitting up thick yellow mucus. She could only sleep upright by positioning herself into the corner of the couch. I use to get up in the middle of the night and sit in front of her to make sure she was still breathing. I started hanging out with a group of unsavory guys. I began drinking and taking drugs. I would try anything. I lost my virginity then to a very heavy girl, who used sex as a way to find self worth. I became popular for all the wrong reasons. I was the bad guy that girls found exciting. I mostly dated girls older than me and had A LOT of wild sex at a very young age.
I quickly went from drinking stolen beers from friend’s fridges, to doing Speed, LSD, PCP, Coke, and Heroin. After 3 years of boozing and drugging, several of my friends got busted and sent to a rehabilitation center. When they got out, we started going to AA together. Several friends relapsed, but I knew I had to straighten up or I was going to be dead or in prison. I told my grandparents about everything I had been doing. They knew I had come home after drinking a couple times, but had no idea the extent of how messed up I was. Within that year my grandmother died from emphysema. I was 15 and had to take over responsibility for taking care of my disabled grandfather. I got a job and worked full time and went to school full time and took care of my grandfather as best I could. About every 3 months he would go into congestive heart failure and I would have to take him to the hospital. They would adjust his medicine and get his heart back in rhythm. I was so frightened that he would die as well. I didn’t know where I would go. But grandpa was a fighter, he lived a long life. He saw me graduate high school and eventually go to college and get a good job.
I met my wife while working my way through college. She was 17 and I was 21 when we started dating. God she was beautiful and feisty. Her family had moved to the area, from NY about 5 years before we met. We fell in love. We worked at the same place and often closed together. I was a manager. After everyone would leave we stayed and she would initiate all the time! God I remember her riding me for broke in the small little office on a wobbly rolling chair. Giving me BJs in the parking lot, bending her over tables in the back room. I remember I had hernia surgery, and the Dr. told me I needed to wait 6 weeks before having sex. She stayed over after surgery and helped take care of me. Well she couldn’t wait 6 weeks she got me hard and climbed on and started riding me. When I came I thought I ripped the stitches it hurt so much!… (sigh)
After 4 years she desperately wanted to get married. I loved her, but was so concerned about money. I grew up with nothing I knew what poor was like. She was middle class and had no idea. I still was at my grandfathers taking care of him and the house as well. I tried to push her to wait, but she got angry and gave an ultimatum we get married or break up. I agreed to get married but only if we lived with my grandfather for a while. We got married and we tried to live with my grandfather for a year but him and my wife fought constantly. I would come home from work and she would be crying. I don’t know if he or she did that on purpose, so we would move out or if they genuinely didn’t like each other. My aunt divorced and agreed to move in with him. So my wife and I moved out.
Sex had been declining ever since we had fought about getting married. We didn’t have sex on our marriage night, and only once our whole honeymoon. Sex even as newlyweds was maybe a once a month occurrence. I began my career, which had me working out of town every other week. We bought a house within walking distance from her parents so they could be there to help out. After 4 years our first baby came. I switched jobs so I didn’t have to travel, but I worked a lot of overtime to support the family, and she became a stay at home mom which is what she wanted.
I had complained about our lack of intimacy at this time. I seem to cycle through being able to deal with it by overloading myself and then it crashing down on me to where I can’t ignore it anymore. It was during this time that she wrote me a very open letter about it. She said she felt terrible about how the intimate part of our lives was being ignored. She said she felt at fault for it, but that she couldn’t help it. She said she had no desire for it. She stated she loved me and wanted to do things with me and be near me but had no desire sexually. She said she remembered how it was in the beginning of our relationship and she thought that she was like that because it was so new and exciting. She didn’t expect it to remain like that but she wanted it to be normal, she deserved it and so did I. She spoke of us cuddling and holding hands more and that we should go out to movies and dinner. She didn’t want to feel pressure to have sex. She said it made her feel like a failure as a wife and a woman. She knew it bothered me, but I hardly ever complained about it. She said she wanted to enjoy it and she wished she could wave a magic wand and make it better, but she couldn’t. She told me she tried to talk to her OBGYN and the lady just looked at me like I was weird or defective. She was humiliated by the whole thing. She said she couldn’t talk to her friends because she was too embarrassed. She said I had a right to be upset and she wished there was an easy answer. It made her feel pretty damn lonely. She said just remember that I love you.
That letter meant a lot and went a long way for me. It brought me back to the, I can live without sex, because we love each other mindset. I blamed myself internally for not being able to kindle the desire in her. Maybe I was too fat, maybe I didn’t earn enough, etc… In a couple more years she wanted another child and we quickly got pregnant again. By this time we were only having sex when she wanted to get pregnant. She tracked her ovulation cycles. She kept charts in her night stand where every morning she would record her temperature, her cervical fluid consistency, if she had any breast tenderness, her spotting/periods... so she knew exactly when she was ovulating. When she knew she was ovulating she would offer sex. It became the boring missionary or doggy sex, with no foreplay, no oral, no multiple Os. But offer a starving man food and he will take it.
My grandfather passed when my wife was pregnant with our second child. She wanted a bigger house so we bought one in a new subdivision and was having it built. Then nine months after her birth, I was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. New house, new baby, lost my grandfather, Sept 11th and cancer. The whole timing of everything fucked with my head. I really withdrew inward. I began reflecting on my life. I went through a lot of self analysis and started to see bits and pieces of the path I had walked, but it was a discovery point not a true realization.
I grew resentful. As a part of Testicular Cancer, they check your sperm count before and after the removal of your testicle. Because they have to check it immediately after ejaculation to get an accurate count and activity of your "swimmers" you have to do it at the lab where they test it. Well there is no "private room" for this act to be accomplished. You are given a specimen jar and pointed to the public restroom.
Being diagnosed with cancer messes with your head, and being diagnosed with TC in a sexless marriage majorly F'd with mine. I begged her to come with me when I had to do the sample. I hoped for her assistance, but at least be there for support. She adamantly refused with a horrid fright upon her face.
I did what I had to do and the Dr told me that afterwards I had low count and slow swimmers. He told me I probably wouldn't be able to have any more children unless I stored some. My wife wanted more children, so I again provided more samples for storage. Well my wife tracked her ovulation cycles. She kept charts in her night stand where every morning she would record her temperature, her cervical fluid consistency, if she had any breast tenderness, her spotting/periods... so she knew exactly when she was ovulating. When she was she would offer sex. So even with my low count and slow swimmers, we had 2 more kids. That was when I said no more and scheduled a vasectomy. This was about 10 years after the letter she wrote, I hit one of my I can’t stand this anymore points. I started questioning her and I found EP. I did research on sexless marriages and starting having “The Talk” which led to fights and her telling me “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you need.”
My wife has had small problems ever since we got married 20 years ago. They are not hugely impacting issues, but just small odd things. For example, tiredness, eyes having problems with dryness, cancer sores, etc… She began bleeding A LOT during her periods. She had an ablation but it continued. She got to a point to where she was bleeding 18 days every month. She went through rounds of tests but nothing every showed. She felt like she was just crazy because nothing ever came back as an issue. Finally after years of tests and different Dr. someone tested her for Lupus. She was diagnosed a few years back. Her symptoms have increased but not debilitatingly. Her worst impact has been the tiredness, the bleeding and lichen sclerosus on her vagina. She is on medicine now to help delay symptom increasing.
I think it affects her thyroid as well. Many people even Drs have asked if she has thyroid problems because her neck is enlarged. But again the tests come back negative. I believe this disease has robbed her of her sexual desire over many years. I provide for the family. She can only work part time at minimum wage and has no health insurance through her job. I have a large sense of responsibility and because of my past could never abandon my family. My wife needs my support, she needs my income, she needs my health insurance. She just doesn’t need my sex. She is now in early menopause at 40 years old because of the Lupus
Thank you for reading my story. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 16:00:38 GMT -5
I’m just a nut, but not nuts 😂 LMAO! Please know that I am certainty not laughing at you, maybe not even with you, but you hit my funny bone with that one! 😂 I'm not offended at all JonDoe, I said it to be funny. That is the best part of being a testicular cancer survivor using it to make people laugh and sometime feel a little uncomfortable.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 14:15:57 GMT -5
RexCorvus : Your story takes the cake for worst sexual luck in the world. [head explosion] Thanks @smartkat. It's a real mindfuck, you've only heard small pieces. I will get writing...
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 14:03:02 GMT -5
RexCorvus , are you telling us that you are a survivor of testicular cancer - and YOU are the one who wants more sex and is being refused? Damn. Just damn. If that is the case, there is NO good excuse for guys with other health health problems. Yes @smartkat , I am a testicular cancer survivor of over 14 years now. I still have one testicle, which provides plenty of testosterone to fuel the system. I'm just a little more streamlined and aerodynamic when excited. @smartkat, you want to know what is really F'd up? I had 2 more kids after having TC in a sexless marriage! I have A LOT of resentment about this entire situation and I'm sorry for stealing the thread... this is therapy. As a part of TC, they check your sperm count before and after the removal of your testicle. Because they have to check it immediately after ejaculation to get an accurate count and activity of your "swimmers" you have to do it at the lab where they test it. Well there is no "private room" for this act to be accomplished. You are given a specimen jar and pointed to the public restroom. Being diagnosed with cancer messes with your head, and being diagnosed with TC in a sexless marriage majorly F'd with mine. I begged her to come with me when I had to do the sample. I hoped for her assistance, but at least be there for support. She adamantly refused with a horrid fright upon her face. I did what I had to do and the Dr told me that afterwards I had low count and slow swimmers. He told me I probably wouldn't be able to have any more children unless I stored some. My wife wanted more children, so I again provided more samples for storage. Well my wife tracked her ovulation cycles. She kept charts in her night stand where every morning she would record her temperature, her cervical fluid consistency, if she had any breast tenderness, her spotting/periods... so she knew exactly when she was ovulating. When she was she would offer sex. So even with my low count and slow swimmers, we had 2 more kids. That was when I said no more and scheduled a vasectomy. I need to write out my story for everyone. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 13:29:02 GMT -5
#13 – CANCER! I have not posted my full story yet so just for a little background: 20 years sexless marriage. Average frequency most years ~2-4 times a year. When trying to get pregnant 2 times a month when she was ovulating… CANCER! This crosses my mind a lot, especially lately. I am a testicular cancer survivor and I have often wondered if there is a link between low sexual activity and testicular cancer. I was fortunate and caught it very early. Cancer had not spread, so it was completely contained in one testicle. My cancerous testicle was removed, but I still have one remaining. (I’m just a nut, but not nuts) A month ago, overnight my remaining testicle swelled up to the size of a lemon and was very sore. I called my urologist and he found that I had an epididymis infection. You know that tube that stores and carries sperm. A round of antibiotics cleared it up. What was my wife’s first question? What caused that! I was very close to saying, “He said lack of use…” but as all that would cause is a fight that I am past having. I told her I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. It made me wonder though, what does cause this? I looked and the most common causes are STI’s. Obviously you have to be sexually active for that to happen. In men who aren't sexually active, epididymitis can be caused by a nonsexually transmitted bacterial infection. In men with urinary tract or prostate infections, bacteria might spread from the infected site to the epididymis. This lead me to research enlarged prostate and sexual activity. I found that as stated in #13, they are finding that there is a link between low sexual activity and prostate cancer: urology.jhu.edu/newsletter/prostate_cancer712.php“scientists found that men who reported more ejaculations-more than 21 a month, on average across their adult life-had two thirds the lifetime risk of prostate cancer of men who reported fewer (4 to 7) ejaculations a month. Notes Platz: "Compared with men reporting fewer ejaculations per month at all ages, men who reported 21 or ejaculations per month had one-fourth the risk of prostate cancer.” More than 21 ejaculations per month!!! I guess I could “take care of myself” as I do, but we know how much fun that is after years of ONLY that. So 21 times a month, is a stretch (pun intended). In summary not only is my sexless marriage emotionally destroying, it has a higher probability of killing me. RC Just to be on the safe side you should shoot for 21 times a week. Going to need to buy Vaseline at Costco! LOL
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 13:26:50 GMT -5
RexCorvus , are you telling us that you are a survivor of testicular cancer - and YOU are the one who wants more sex and is being refused? Damn. Just damn. If that is the case, there is NO good excuse for guys with other health health problems. Yes @smartkat, I am a testicular cancer survivor of over 14 years now. I still have one testicle, which provides plenty of testosterone to fuel the system. I'm just a little more streamlined and aerodynamic when excited.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 13:14:39 GMT -5
"Most common cause is STI's..." There's a reason she asked you. Although she'll never acknowledge the idea that if she doesn't take care of you, someone eventually will... She's not totally stupid or brain dead. Actually, during one of our "talks" she told me I "must have 5 girlfriends". No my wife is not stupid. I believe she prefers "don't ask, don't tell". She has also stated that she is afraid that one day I will say our marriage just isn't enough. For her being a good mom, raising kids, is all she wants. And she should be afraid.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 13:07:36 GMT -5
#13 – CANCER! I have not posted my full story yet so just for a little background: 20 years sexless marriage. Average frequency most years ~2-4 times a year. When trying to get pregnant 2 times a month when she was ovulating… CANCER! This crosses my mind a lot, especially lately. I am a testicular cancer survivor and I have often wondered if there is a link between low sexual activity and testicular cancer. I was fortunate and caught it very early. Cancer had not spread, so it was completely contained in one testicle. My cancerous testicle was removed, but I still have one remaining. (I’m just a nut, but not nuts) A month ago, overnight my remaining testicle swelled up to the size of a lemon and was very sore. I called my urologist and he found that I had an epididymis infection. You know that tube that stores and carries sperm. A round of antibiotics cleared it up. What was my wife’s first question? What caused that! I was very close to saying, “He said lack of use…” but as all that would cause is a fight that I am past having. I told her I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. It made me wonder though, what does cause this? I looked and the most common causes are STI’s. Obviously you have to be sexually active for that to happen. In men who aren't sexually active, epididymitis can be caused by a nonsexually transmitted bacterial infection. In men with urinary tract or prostate infections, bacteria might spread from the infected site to the epididymis. This lead me to research enlarged prostate and sexual activity. I found that as stated in #13, they are finding that there is a link between low sexual activity and prostate cancer: urology.jhu.edu/newsletter/prostate_cancer712.php“scientists found that men who reported more ejaculations-more than 21 a month, on average across their adult life-had two thirds the lifetime risk of prostate cancer of men who reported fewer (4 to 7) ejaculations a month. Notes Platz: "Compared with men reporting fewer ejaculations per month at all ages, men who reported 21 or ejaculations per month had one-fourth the risk of prostate cancer.” More than 21 ejaculations per month!!! I guess I could “take care of myself” as I do, but we know how much fun that is after years of ONLY that. So 21 times a month, is a stretch (pun intended). In summary not only is my sexless marriage emotionally destroying, it has a higher probability of killing me. RC "Most common cause is STI's..." There's a reason she asked you. Although she'll never acknowledge the idea that if she doesn't take care of you, someone eventually will... She's not totally stupid or brain dead.
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 14, 2016 13:05:28 GMT -5
Have you asked your wife if she wants an open marriage? Would you be OK with an open marriage? Your friends sound like "I'd OK with that", they may have an open marriage. It may be a solution for your marriage.
I am, as far as I know, the only person my wife has had sex with. during one of our "talks" I asked her if she was bored of our sex life? If she wanted to experience sex with other men or women? I had been very sexually active before I met my wife, she hadn't. I told her I would support her and be OK if she felt like she needed to. She told me without hesitation that she had no desire to have sex with anyone else. I believe her. She just has no sexual desire.
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