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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 11, 2016 0:37:52 GMT -5
I had not taken the time to watch this but the clinical data they must have gathered over a 75-yr study is incredible. Good talk! OMG @geekgoddess!!! Can you imagine the data?!?! Holy Shit, RIGHT?!?! I would love to get my hands on it and connect Tableau to it and just start asking questions... While I absolutely, 100% agree with the reported finding, I would like to see how they quantified a relationship in which the person felt they could rely on their SO in times of great need. Was it all qualitative or did they measure the amount of Hospital visits a SO made when their spouse was in the hospital???... OMG the rabbit hole runs deep
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 10, 2016 14:23:31 GMT -5
Hello brother thebaffledking , Thank you for sharing this descriptive story of what can be described only as you so appropriately titled REAL LIFE ABUSE! Your wife, as you have so eloquently described, is a grade A BITCH! There is no argument that can dispute that fact. As I read your story and other’s comments several things kept popping up in my mind. Because your story explains so well how much of a bitch she is, I feel like what is lost in it is you. We don’t care about her, we care about you! You sound like a very successful, well educated man, who is in good health and takes care of himself physically. You have drive and ambition. You are caring, committed, loyal, and able to clearly articulate your feelings. I counted the words from the story referencing “her” (her, she, wife, bitch…) and the words referencing “you” (me, my, I…) there are 102 referring to the bitch, and 126 referring to you. I believe we share similar backgrounds. I know you are fighting with all your being to exit this abusive relationship. I know you are concerned about what the kids will think. If I may make a humble suggestion, focus on YOU, don’t worry about what others will think! Know Thyself! It took me a very long time to truly understand how much my childhood impacted me. I’ve never gone to counseling for myself, but I was involved and trained a bit in it at a very young age because of sharing my story with other kids. I was strong, I was a survivor, I was forged in fire… bravado coming from a guy who couldn’t admit fully that his childhood heavily influenced the path he has tread. I love the movie Good Will Hunting, I guess because I see so much of myself in Will. One key take away from that movie, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault!” You sir are an incredible man who has so much to share. Know that who you were, doesn’t define who you will be going forward. God bless you! RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 8, 2016 16:09:45 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing! I really was feeling the sparks of joy and extremely powerfull energy! I wish you both to treasure this chemistry forever and never loose each other! You are extremely lucky to meet your Goddess in your 40s.... God bless you! Thank you very much thefullmoon. You are correct, she is my Gorgeous Goddess!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 7, 2016 12:27:00 GMT -5
Well that took me back to late 2009 Brother Rex. Thanks. Thank you Brother Baz. Your comment brought a HUGE SMILE to my face!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 4, 2016 11:50:24 GMT -5
RexCorvus: So well written. Thank you for sharing... Thank you nancyb!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 4, 2016 10:17:48 GMT -5
Beautifully written. Good luck! Thank you @iwoetin!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 4, 2016 10:16:42 GMT -5
Great story! I truly hope it works out for you both. Thank you Pinkberry! I appreciate any and all good thoughts and vibes sent our way!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 4, 2016 10:10:39 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like a wonderful experience, we should all be so fortunate to find passion and connection again. I hope you have more chances to see her. Thank you misssunnybunny. I appreciate all the well wishes and good vibes everyone sends our way. I shared this story with her blessing because you are correct we all should be and deserve to find such passion and connection again!
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 3, 2016 13:05:12 GMT -5
Thanks, eternaloptimism <3 I am struggling with feeling that we are mismatched. I still have feelings that he is a good match for me. What started out as "perfect" was our friendship plus a very strong physical connection. At this point, we get along well, he gets me, he knows my moods/personality, we have similar humor, views on life, people, etc. It's hard to feel like so much of your connection is so right, yet the other part is so terribly wrong. Hello joy6016, I have spent 21 years trying to fix, ignore, deny, blame myself, etc... because my wife and I get along, and have similar views... besides sex. I understand exactly what you are saying that so much of your connection works. We have children now and we parent well together. She isn't a bad person and neither am I. But she is supposed to be the ONE PERSON on this earth who meets this ONE PART that I need, and to not be able to even try to meet my needs is TERRIBLY WRONG! This means we are not compatible. Everything else can be right, but this one part is a need, its not a want, its not an option. It is not a feeling that will go away over time. It will gradually intensify and it will become MORE. It will drain your soul. I will be posting a story soon about meeting a woman who, I have fallen madly in love with. She makes me so happy and smile so brightly. I realize now that what I thought was acceptable/tolerable isn't. Please, you have a chance to save yourself from the despair and pain we have endured. You deserve to be loved how you need to be loved.
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Post by RexCorvus on Nov 18, 2016 21:25:08 GMT -5
"Your face saving promises whispered like prayers, I don't need them" ... "they say that promises sweeten the blow, I don't need then, No I don't need them."
Nov 11th was my 21st wedding anniversary. I was away on a business trip that week. I met the most gorgeous, amazing, caring, sexy woman I have ever met. We had an instant soul encompassing connection. We had the most magical night and made love for hours.
I flew home and had to buy a card before going to the house, because like you that is what we do. I couldn't read the words without images of this amazing woman I spent the night with flooding my thoughts. I finally just picked the card that had giraffes on it because my wife likes giraffes.
I'm done having "The Talk". The next time I do it will be calm and straight to the point that I want a divorce. I experienced something so spiritual with this gorgeous woman that I didn't expect or even know was possible. I will be moving forward and bettering myself and putting the pieces in place for my exit plan. There is no going back after what I experienced.
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.”
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Post by RexCorvus on Nov 2, 2016 13:23:26 GMT -5
If his marriage is falling apart and the best he can offer is 'he put other things in life before you' then he has a fair way to go in his therapy process! As for 'he would do anything not to divorce you', that is clearly bollocks since his version of 'doing anything' seems to consist mostly of sitting on the sofa and texting other women to bolster his self esteem. But I am really happy for you that you have got him to mediation. I think it could be a big step for both of you. Hopefully you can actually start talking about the practicalities and start leaving all the guilt trips and mind games behind you. Good luck!!! In every story I've read where an intimacy averse spouse says they will do anything to save the marriage, they do nothing to save the marriage. Saying this is a form of sobbing and begging and accordingly should be ignored. He's had more than enough time to get his act together. He has gotten religion, so he pretends, now that Judgment Day has come. Which means that if he is jotted into the Book of Life at the last minute and spared from the Lake of Fire, he will truly change and become the model intimacy craving husband, out of true repentance and the indwelling and illumination of the Paracletus Eroticus. Uh huh. Once the storm blows over, it's back to business as usual. Oh wait, he hasn't changed anyway. So this whole rant of mine is imbued with only one purpose, to delay getting out of bed and going to work. And to give g many more vibrators. Sorry, autocorrect. And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years, and cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season. And I saw thrones, and they sat upon them, and judgment was given unto them: and I saw the souls of them that were beheaded for the witness of Jesus, and for the word of God, and which had not worshipped the beast, neither his image, neither had received his mark upon their foreheads, or in their hands; and they lived and reigned with Christ a thousand oyears. But the rest of the dead lived not again until the thousand years were finished. This is the first resurrection. Blessed and holy is he that hath part in the first resurrection: on such the second death hath no power, but they shall be priests of God and of Christ, and shall reign with him a thousand years. And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison, and shall go out to deceive the nations which are in the four quarters of the earth, Gog, and Magog, to gather them together to battle: the number of whom is as the sand of the sea. And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them. And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. The dead will be judged by their works. So will the living. @phinheasgage I LOVE THIS!!!! Anything with War Pigs (one of my favorite songs to play on guitar!) in it gets my attention but I bow to this spot on RANT!!!!
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 29, 2016 23:05:10 GMT -5
We walk through life without clear sight. It is as if we are surrounded by a fog. Until something jolts us awake and brings us close to death only then do we begin to see clearly. But we never know when it will wnd
When I was diagnosed with cancer things suddenly became clearer. the sky was bluer, the grass was greener, the air smelled sweeter. What truly mattered came into focus. I wanted to live! A true life that pursued only those things that mattered. Every day is precious, I know I can't live like this much longer.
I like this quote as a reminder: "Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." --- Paul Bowles
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 19, 2016 17:04:15 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, I had this revelation yesterday and it has hit me HARD! God bless @phinheasgage, baza, Pinkberry. They replied to one one of my posts and combined together it flipped a switch in my mind and shed light on my deep enabling. I knew I had co-dependency issues but this was a look inside on how deep the matatissis has spread. I have taken care people since I was 15 years old. It is no less a part of me than my arms or legs. It is rooted to my core. I have given everything to enable them to have an easier more comfortable life at my personal expense. Over the weekend my wife complained about being stuck in her part time jobs. So I looked at my company's open positions, to my surprise I found several that she qualified for. This would provide her higher pay, benefits like a pension, health insurance, tuition reimbursement, advancement opportunities! All of these things she complains she doesn't have. She made excuse after excuse why it wasn't practical. She wouldn't even look at them although she hates where she works because it is dysfunctional, pays shit, no benefits, no chance of promotion. I've got to get out of this marriage, and I've got to not allow myself to be taken advantage of. I've got to have this cancer removed, this enablement. ((HUGS)) eternaloptimism. I get it. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 18, 2016 10:15:56 GMT -5
I'm not so sure that subjugating ones own aspirations, ambitions, dreams and future is such a great idea for ones own happiness, or indeed the happiness of other involved parties. In life, 'some' sacrifice for the greater good is necessary, but turning it in to a raison d'être does not appear to be all that wise. - If you set yourself up to be the one who does all the sacrificing, you run the real risk of educating the other parties in the dynamic that 'they' don't have to make any sacrifices for the greater good themselves, because YOU will do it for them. - Comes a time later on when it is THEIR turn to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for the greater good, and they are clueless as to how this might be done, unpracticed in doing in such a thing within appropriate boundaries and in fact unable to do so due to a complete lack of skills in this aspect of life. - Is that doing them any favours longer term ? You are correct baza! They have become dependent on me. I allowed it, Hell I strive on it, due to my co-dependency issues. I have "taken care of" others since I was 15 years old. Thank you baza. The therapy seems to working. I'll keep coming back!
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Post by RexCorvus on Oct 18, 2016 8:10:15 GMT -5
@phinheasgage , thank you for reading my story and paying close attention to it. Yes, sex began to dwindle even before marriage. I do understand what you say when you say "she took control of the relationship when you agreed to marry her". I agree. My past has deeply influenced me in ways that I have only began to realize in the past 5 years. I know today that I have some co-dependent tendencies. Hindsight, I see my path to how I arrived here. I would not have made that choice today. Yes leaving for me is extremely difficult. I have wondered long and hard if it will tear me apart. I love my children and to hurt them by leaving may devastate me. I am the bread winner. I earn over 6 figures where my wife works part time and barely brings in 5 figures. We make ends meet now but just barely and we have some debt. She has no health insurance through her part time job. She has no degree, and not enough energy to return to college. So what can I do? @bballgril, I hope to be able to have what you have and be able to spend time with my kids and ex in a co-parenting friendship type of way. I have the beginning of a plan forming, which I need to post and get feedback on. I have 3 courses to go before I complete an MBA. I have already told my wife I plan on getting a second job afterwards so that we can payoff our debt. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, who I am fairly certain would allow me to rent out a room. Worst case I could possible rent a room from my mother. I will ask for a separation not a divorce. This way my wife can stay on my health insurance. I worry that my need to support my family and my ex will hinder any woman from wanting to be in a serious relationship with me in the future. That is how I am and what I need to do, so yes I have baggage, they will either take it or leave it. The bold is mine. If insurance is a concern, you could get divorced and have it written into the decree that you will pay for her to have whatever insurance she chooses. The ACA makes it relatively easy to get an insurance plan and it sounds like you could afford to do that for her. If I were you, I might have that set up until such time as the kids are out of the house. Just because she hasn't worked much so far doesn't mean she isn't capable. As for other women, having obligations spelled out in a court order is important. Supporting your ex-wife because you consider her somehow too delicate to manage on her own would likely not go over well with anyone seeking a real relationship. Supporting her in ways that are ordered by the judge, even if you agreed to it, is different and what you agreed to before getting involved with someone else is not particularly relevant. In my experience there is nothing in a court order that says that you offered up one thing or another only what is agreed upon. If I were getting into a new relationship after this, I might simply say, "This is what we were able to agree to, so that is what is in the court requirements." You are not obligated to elaborate. And really, no other woman has the right to step in and dictate what is and is not an appropriate level of financial support for your ex-wife. While I am a Christian, I ignored most of the religious portions of The Total Money Makeover, but the methods of getting out of debt are valid and workable. Might I suggest that if you do get a second job that you consider using the principles in this book. They are sound financially, regardless of your religious background or lack thereof. It will not only help you meet your goals as quickly as possible, but will help with setting and meeting milestones, which can be so uplifting in a situation where very little seems positive. Thank you Pinkberry! Your reply helped me see that there are other possibilities. Asking for a divorce may prompt her to push herself to work more. Stress, lack of rest, makes Lupus flare, so I have concerns that the opposite will be the result, but you are correct I may very well be suprised. I will look at the Total Money Makeover.
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