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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 17, 2017 17:20:20 GMT -5
Thank you so very much for sharing WindSister!!! This is truly inspiring!! I am in determined pursuit of THIS happiness and am extremely hopeful that THIS is my destination as well. Thank you! RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 16, 2017 13:14:07 GMT -5
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me What you do to me
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 16, 2017 0:06:00 GMT -5
I am starting therapy tomorrow and I am truly excited about going. I have done enough self analysis especially over the past 7 or 8 years that I do feel as though I know myself very well. I can see the path clearly that lead me here but I am excited about learning new tools and receiving validation. I have made tremendous strides in ending the manipulation. I have declared that I am not happy in my marriage, that it is not fixable, and that I want a divorce. I have taken control and left our bed and moved to an old mattress and box spring in the basement. This is taking one step closer to freedom and the love I want, need and deserve. RC *** Update *** The therapist is great! I felt completely comfortable and she absolutely understood where I am at, what I am wanting to accomplish, what issues I have, and that I am open and willing to learn new tools to be a healthier person.
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 15, 2017 13:56:46 GMT -5
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 15, 2017 9:31:47 GMT -5
Well, I don't want my husband to find it anymore that is for sure!! lol! I'll gladly take flowers and a G-Spot search from another. wink! G
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 11, 2017 0:04:45 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I feel your pain, Rex. I told mine I wanted a divorce almost 3 weeks ago now. I've seen her fight harder for $1000 off a car and some floor mats than for me. In some ways, it makes it much easier, but it also does kind of make you feel like shit at the same time. Im sorry shamwow, Yes it hurts like Hell to see her work hard for those simple things when she couldn't do so for you. But as you said it also makes it easier. It is good to see her growing from it and being independent
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Surreal
Feb 10, 2017 20:11:35 GMT -5
Post by RexCorvus on Feb 10, 2017 20:11:35 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”. She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them. I wish I had something substantial to say. My situation is very different but for whatever it is worth, to share with you what I would do if I was worried about kids is to stay geographically close and ensure I don't start a new family to make sure that I am entirely available to them. I think it will help with the emotional security of a child if he/she knows that dad is still all theirs. Thank you for your reply @teervij, but whether I am in the next room or 1000 miles away, their mother showing hatred of me will impact them. But you are correct, I will not abandon them. They will know their father loves them and is always there for them.
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 10, 2017 18:38:06 GMT -5
My wife and I have now had 3 serious “talks” about divorce since New Years. Each one is getting uglier. I am concerned that we will only hate each other at the end. In between the talks it is business as usual (laundry, dinner, dishes, school, work). I am further along at detaching I know. I started detaching 6 years ago when I gave it my all to “fix” it and that was ended by one sentence from her: “Maybe I am just not capable of giving you what you want/need”.
She was correct, she isn’t. She is just now feeling things that I have felt for years. She was happy in the relationship as it was. That is without intimacy or connection. I was not happy, but did not rock the boat often due to my own insecurities. This is so hard to navigate, so deeply painful. I worry about the kids and how this will impact them.
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Post by RexCorvus on Feb 6, 2017 23:14:02 GMT -5
I recently confided in a nurse that I work with that I am in a sexless marriage. She had suggested that I go to therapy a while back to talk about my abandonment issues. Well, I have now signed up to start therapy on February 16th and I told her that I had signed up. She said "Good! You realize this is abusive right?"
It's not that I didn't recognize this at a knowledge level. It's what got me back to the board after all these years. But it wasn't until some recent extremely painful event that I fully actualized it and saw it with unclouded eyes for exactly what it is.
RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 8, 2017 0:13:00 GMT -5
Wow Rex. I have to say, this post is everything. Thanks for putting it into words - it's exactly how I feel. Thank you JMX, it is one of my favorite posts from the old EP, but I can not claim to have wrote it. It is an article Steven Kalas wrote. You can find the link in the article. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 4, 2017 17:32:52 GMT -5
callisto you have my sympathy and electronic ((HUGS)) for such a despairing situation. I do not mean to belittle the painful situation. I have no experience with BPD/Manic Depression, and it may just be my lack of knowledge, but I find it extremely fascinating that both callisto husband and Rhapsodee son describe it as a “Black Dog”. What adds to this fascination is that Winston Churchill also referred to it as a “Black Dog”. I quickly found online an articles written about this phenomenon. ‘Black dog’ as a metaphor for depression: a brief history In English folklore (16th century) The black dog is associated with the devil but its associations with depression can be found in the poetry of the Roman poet Horace (c. 40BC) and Appollonius (c. 1st century AD)… Sorry my mind works like this and can go down rabbit holes. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 4, 2017 13:42:18 GMT -5
That was very productive and I am proof that you can still keep the family unit together and be friends and coparents for the sake of the children. Good for you for standing your ground! bballgirl I am extremely grateful to you for opening my eyes to the fact that leaving my SM doesn't mean that I am abandoning my children!!! Your simple post about going out to eat with your kids and ex was so incredibly enlightening to me. THANK YOU!!! RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 3, 2017 17:09:01 GMT -5
What a powerful writer you are, strong and simple yet filled with a touching humility. If you can communicate in words as well as you do on 'paper' then you have all the chances of getting out gracefully but I do agree with DryCreek that you must strike while the iron's hot. From experience I can say that however good the conversation appears to be, if left lying it can gestate to a doormat! 'One' feels bad for bringing, 'it' up again and the whole things slides into a situation whereupon you end up being super nice to each other but don't progress at all with anything actually changing for another unpleasant conversation gets shelved.. You sound like a man who may be able to intuit his way back to the conversation kindly and gently- just don't leave it too long. Best wishes to you. Thank you callisto for your kind words. I am mostly a geek by trade and I've never thought of myself as a writer until joining these boards. I have been blessed that my love heard my voice through my writing and reached out to offer her support. That one email has turned into a beautiful story of love that I pray lasts Always and Forever. RC
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 3, 2017 11:51:29 GMT -5
Bravo RexCorvus! Your post about TheTalk brought me to tears and I've read your other posts and am watching your love story unfold as well. Go get 'em in 2017. I have a feeling this is going to be your year! Thank you very much @elle! Dearly appreciate the support!
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Post by RexCorvus on Jan 1, 2017 14:02:08 GMT -5
The final week of 2016 has been a whirlwind resulting in the capitulation of my failed marriage.
Earlier in the week, I came home from work frustrated, which has been a normal occurrence, from trying to navigate difficult corporate politics. My wife has conveniently blamed all my unhappiness on my work situation. She has repeatedly sent me job openings and urged me to look for another company to work for. I have not acted on these because I know that although work is stressful it is not the root cause of my unhappiness. We were discussing my job once again in the kitchen and she pleaded with me to look for another job. She told me that I cannot continue living like this, that my job has turned me into an extremely unhappy person and it’s affecting my well being. I looked at her and said , “There are a lot of things in my life that are making me unhappy”.
She immediately went silent and became angry. Over the next few days, when she could stand to maintain a momentary glance at me, she glared in anger. She mostly wouldn’t speak to me at all. When she had to she would only give short 2-3 word sentences. She was wanting me to apologize to smooth things over as I have done in the past. I did not back down. I maintained my resilience and would not fall into the trap of getting angry and fighting. What I said was true and she knows it.
On New Year’s Eve, I told her I was going to go to the hardware store to get some things I needed to replace the kitchen sink. To my surprise as I was getting ready, she got ready as well. She told our oldest daughter to watch our two youngest while she went with me to the hardware store for an hour. We got into the car and I started driving. She remained silent. Finally at the entrance to our subdivision I asked her, do you want to go park somewhere and talk, or do you really want to go to the hardware store. She said, “I could give a fuck about the hardware store”. I drove to the High School parking lot and we parked under a tree. I sat and waited, she had to start this conversation. After a few minutes of us both staring out the windshield and her crying, she finally spoke and said: “I am very very angry with you. When I spoke to you about how unhappy your job is making you, you said to me there are a lot of things in your life that make you unhappy. You have work, you have college, and you have your family. What does that leave me to believe?! If you aren’t happy with your family, then I don’t want you to stay and be a martyr”. I responded to her that I love my family dearly, but I am unhappy with our marriage. She said, “I don’t want to live in the same house as you if you hate me, if you resent me! I will figure it out, but I can’t live with you hating me!” I responded “I don’t hate you, I care very deeply for you. You are the mother of my children and you are a wonderful mother! We have raised great kids, but I can’t continue on in this marriage where there is no intimacy. I’m not a dead beat dad, I’m not going to abandon you and the kids and run off like an acquaintance of ours husband did. But you talk like you are going to kick me out and not let me be with my children!”
She said that she doesn’t think the marriage is fixable at this point. She said that she will never remarry, but that she knows that I will and it will be fast. I told her I agreed. I reminded her that I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me in 2009, and she told me then that she didn’t need counseling and if I wanted to go, I could go by myself. She said “Let’s talk about the lack of intimacy, if you want to get in here (pointing to her crotch), then you need to get in here (pointing to her head) and in here (pointing to her heart).” She said she sees people in facebook pictures out doing this and that and is jealous. I told her "I have tried everything I know how to get through to her but I can’t stir desire in her. I looked at her and said “you haven’t touched me in over 6 years”. She had no response back.
Her demeanor softened and she said that she is scared because she earns so little and has no education. I told her I wasn’t going to abandon her and that I would help. I’ve asked her for years what she wanted to do, if she wanted to go back to school and get a degree. I’ve offered my support and she did get a realtor license in 2007, right before the crash, and phlebotomy training in 2009. The market crash and the bad job market very much discouraged her. She told me that I will be responsible for my children, that I wasn’t responsible for her. I told her, her mother is close by and I will help as well. She said we can’t keep the house, that she can’t afford the mortgage payment and we will have to sell it. I just nodded, she is correct.
We both spoke about how we never wanted this, and that we wanted to grow old together. We spoke of friends who have divorced and about my past growing up. She softened very much at this point and told me she watches a show and there was a line one day where a character said: “you took the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turned it into something resembling lemonade” and that, it reminds her of me. She took my hand and looked at me and told me “You’re a great man, you really are, do you know this?, You are a great man and I love you”. I broke down and sobbed with tears. This woman, my wife of 21 years loves me, is proud of me, and thinks I’m a great man, but has no desire for me.
We spoke of how to move forward. That we want to be friends and not let the kids know right now. We set limits that hugs are still OK. I told her that we have to communicate better through this and she agreed. Then we went to the hardware store and I ran in and got what I needed while she sat in the car.
Inertia has been overcome and forward movement has begun. It is now apparent and in the open that we both feel the marriage is over. Now begins the task of navigating these stormy seas to a place where everyone is better off.
RC
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