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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 21:05:04 GMT -5
solodriver , I have read every reply to this thread. A ton of good support even if it challenged your view of the issue. You have expressed your heartache and your sensitivity to your wife's inherent bitchyness. It is good that you worked through that stage. Now it is time to go full on Warrior Mode. Take no shit from her ever again. If she attacks you, belittles you, insults you or degrades you in any manner or place jump straight into her shit. Defend yourself vigorously even if it embarrasses her in front of her friends. Do not pretend everything is fine. It fucking is not. As others mentioned what is the worst she can do? File for divorce? Score for you. Yes walk around naked in your house whenever you feel like it. In fact put some swagger into your walk when she looks, make your junk schwing. There is one caveat, do not enter her bedroom naked, in fact do not enter her bedroom without an invite. It is her sanctuary, her rules. But the same applies to your bedroom, you can apply the rule she must not enter unless she is naked. Fuck her. Get that legal advise ASAP. Paying down your debts may not be the best option. In many jurisdictions she will be on the hook for half of the debt. If you pay it off her obligation is zero. Your choice but get the advise to make an informed choice. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate. It made me smile, just like the last few similar posts that suggested the same thing. It does put a funny image in my head and made me smile so thank you. You all took something pauinful and made me sad into an inmage that made me smile and laugh.
That's what I love about all of you. You can see things from a different point of view and it helps to read that.
Well no I'm not going to fuck her, that's for sure.
And no I won't be naked in her presence again. Roommate rules are in full effect from Saturday forward. If I go out, I'm not obligated to tell her where I'm going or when I'll be back. I will take care of my own needs. An example is that she always buys herself a soda and never gets one foe me. So I've been doing that for awhile. She's pretty much on her own now until we go into separation mode. We will not go anywhere together anymore.
And when she asks for my help I will remind her that I creep her out and so I can't help her.
It will be interesting to see what happens in the next several months until separation time.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 20:54:24 GMT -5
Just like it's unlikely that he just wanted to snuggle in the above example, it's unlikely that the laundry situation was his only reason for walking naked into his refuser wife's room. I have been thinking about this a little bit the past day or so, and my two cents is this: it's your house too solodriver . You can be naked where ever you need to be naked. She has no more ownership over the space than you do. If I were you, I'd walk around naked all the time to make her uncomfortable (sorry, I'm feeling snarky today myself). I say do everything in your birthday suit. Eat breakfast, sit on the couch, hell, dance in the kitchen naked. Maybe she'll do you a favor and move the fuck out. Well I do agree with the first part about being my house too and that's why I didn't think that she would have reacted the way she did, because I would never have reacted that way to her being naked in my presence, especially if I created a situation where she needed to find her underwear because I didn't finish doing the laundry for whatever the reason was that she had (lazy, tired, distracted and never came back to it).
But I certainly am not going to let it happen again. Next time I'm naked with a woman, it won't be in this house and it won't with this woman.
But I'm going to remind her about me "creeping her out" whenever she wants something from me.
Example:
Can you please put some medicine on my feet?
I creep you out, why do you want me to do that?
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 20:44:34 GMT -5
Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me. My friend, there are hundreds of women who have been dating asshole men who would absolutely melt at the thought that a man would want to give them this experience. I didn't know it until I was separated, but men like you are very rare indeed. What you don't understand is that those same women will want to give you a wonderful experience as well.
Kimmie has told me that when she shows pictures of me to other single women, they say, "How in the world did you find him?" Most single women over 40 find it very difficult to find a man who treats her like a lady.
I'm sure looking forward to that opportunity flashjohn. With what I have to look forward to over the next year, it would be a beautiful experience to have and be able to give.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 1:42:11 GMT -5
One more thought I will add.
I think the reason that I've been so touched by your support and caring comments is because you all have "accepted" me as a member of this group (as I have each of you) even though you have never met me or seen me. By sharing with you, I made myself somewhat vulnerable to each of you (and others who are not members).
Again, hugs and thanks for being there with your support and encouragement for me as I've gone through this.
I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like to deal with this with no support from anywhere.
Though I'm unable to do so right now, a huge THANK YOU to those who contribute financially to keep the lights on here. It is money very well spent, because I believe this board can literally save peoples lives when they are at their most vulnerable.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 1:21:04 GMT -5
I've been trying to figure out why in the hell this has been so much more hurtful and painful than any other insult she has thrown at me over the past few years, both public and private, and I think I just figured it out.
Because it happened when I was at my most vulnerable. Being naked.
For me, the most scary part of a new lover is the moment my clothes start coming off. Because I don't know what her reaction to seeing me naked will be? Will she accept, will she reject, will I be sexy enough or will she be turned off and end what we just started and never want to see me again? It is by far the most scary and vulnerable moment in a new relationship, next to the first kiss. I remember shaking every time I've been at that moment, whether encouraged verbally to do that or initiated by my lover.
And what basically happened to me on Saturday was that comment by my wife told me my naked body, which she accepted 30 years ago, was no longer acceptable to her and used an insult "Creeped her out" to do the damage when I was at my most vulnerable that any human can be with another human.
I think that's why it has hurt me so bad and done a real number on me.
And as I shared in another post here, no matter how bad our relationship would be, I would NEVER say something so terrible, especially at their most vulnerable moment.
It definitely has destroyed any remaining relationship between us. Because I'm going to remind her, if she asks anything, that "No I don't want to do (whatever) because I creep you out".
And it will drive me forward to the divorce. I don't think she will ever be able to do anything that will hurt me as bad as this did.
Game over - she wins.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 0:17:53 GMT -5
Agree with you 100% @ihadalove.
Snark = not helpful, possibly even damaging
Support = a necessity for SM survivors and, I might add, the purpose of this forum
Ditto. Thanks and hugs to catsloveme, elle, and Ihadalove.
Afraid it's time for another cool washcloth for my face from the tears.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 0:15:04 GMT -5
solodriver , you are a good, kind man. You do not deserve this nasty treatment from your wife. Please don't give her any more power. In other words, do NOT let her define who you are and how you feel about yourself. Consider the source of the nasty commentary and understand that she is only projecting her ugly spirit and self-hatred onto you. That's right, often our refusers are hateful towards us because they hate themselves. Her comments have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Just don't let her make YOU hate yourself. Positive affirmations are in order. And, yes, an escape plan! I love a good exit plan. I will honestly say that as my plan has come to fruition now, I am truly living my dreams. (Although I could do without the heartbreak.) Hugs Ellie,
Thank you so much.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 22:56:10 GMT -5
This incident has made me feel very hurt and very broken. I've been playing over in my mind and trying to figure out what happened between us to take her from the fiery, passionate lover she was when I met her, who helped me find, encourage and express my passion during lovemaking without bounds during that lovemaking and the "Don't touch me" and feeling "creeped out" by being naked in her presence.
I've shed many tears the past few days as I, again, am grieving the death of this relationship and marriage.
Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me.
The two things I know I need to do is:
a. getting my financials in order enough to be able to provide that experience and b. getting my divorce underway so I will be free to have that experience (and hopefully many more such experiences with a wonderful woman)
This image I'm creating is helping me to put what happened Saturday behind me and pushing on towards my future Christmas wish.
A lot of you have helped me with this because of your encouraging words about body image and how I will be okay just as I am for a new lover, wherever she may be.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words for me.
I'm still working to get past this. But I guess it's a step in the process on the path that we've all have walked or are walking on.
I hope sharing this story of what happened to me and your responses will be of benefit to a current or future member who may find him/her self in a similar situation.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 3:41:33 GMT -5
solodriver said:"But I didn't really think it was inappropriate to go into what used to be a shared bedroom naked because I thought she would never make such a mean and disrespectful statement since she didn't put my underwear away. " Recently you posted that it has been almost 7,000 days since you and your wife had sex. You and she sleep in separate bedrooms. You've posted that when you go out, she disparages you in front of others. You've also posted that when you recently got into bed with her to watch TV, she moved away from you and told you not to touch her. Seems that at best you are living with a snarky roommate. Other than having a shared house and perhaps bank accounts, there doesn't seem to be much of a marriage. Sure, you may be legally married, but there doesn't seem to be any real evidence that your wife would welcome or even be just indifferent to your naked presence in her room. Given the way you've described her behavior, her comment to you seems in character. There is absolutely no evidence from what you've written that she treats you with the courtesy that you treat her. You are correct my friend.
I do deserve so much better from a relationship.
I am resolved to leave this marriage.
The only thing that gets me through each day is my hope for the future as others have shared with me (including yourself).
This situation that happened Saturday did hurt me. I've been sad about it and it's been hard for me to absorb.
But like I titled this thread. ( I hope) it will be the last time I put myself in a situation for her to insult or hurt me like that.
But I will never (I hope) say such nasty things to her. I hope I'm a better person than that. But I will state the facts of the situation just have you have done with me, when the time comes.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 0:41:17 GMT -5
solodriver said: "But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved." No, you didn't deserve to be treated cruelly. And what you did wasn't stupid. You probably were testing to find out more about the sexual boundaries in your marriage. And what you learned was the painful fact that your wife responds to you as if you were a mere roommate who was at best an acquaintance. Most women would find it creepy if a male platonic roommate came into their room naked. "Creepy" wouldn't be a comment about the attractiveness or unattractiveness of the roommate's body, but "creepy" would refer to being confronted with the nakedness of a man one wasn't sexually involved with. For instance, I was creeped out when I went to check out an apartment that I'd be moving into, and the current resident answered door just wearing his briefs. I was creeped out by his briefs. Well I would never answer a door in my briefs because it would be inappropriate. But I didn't really think it was inappropriate to go into what used to be a shared bedroom naked because I thought she would never make such a mean and disrespectful statement since she didn't put my underwear away. Or better yet, she could have warned me that the underwear hadn't been put away since I said in passing "I feel icky and need to take a shower" and I would have done that BEFORE getting into the shower. It was never my intention to "test" anything as far as the status of the relationship. I already know what the status of that is.
I will be working harder to never give her another chance to insult me again. But the fact was it hurt me deeply because I never would have guessed that I would "creep" her out. The comment just caught me completely by surprise and it hurt very deeply.
I knew things were bad between us. But if the situation had been reversed, I would never say such a thing, especially since I was the one who would have created the situation by not having finished the task of putting the clothes away.
I really wasn't trying to "create a moment" or "test" with her.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 23:43:54 GMT -5
Not yet, but I have researched which ones will provide the free 30 minute consultation. One of the problems I have for now is that I have to take time off from work to go to the consultation, which will be noticed in my paycheck which I get paid hourly. She is such a control freak, if I say I went to the Drs, she'll want to know which one so she will be looking for the bill for it.
I don't want to tip my hand to her about my filing for divorce. She is currently working hard to help pay off some of our debts and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If she thinks I'm going to leave she will quit working and that would make the financial situation worse. That's why I'm holding out until next summer.
We've agreed any money we save will be used to pay down the next credit car/bill until we can get them all paid down/off.
But after yesterday, I'm going to start the divorce process next summer no matter what. Hopefully she won't do something stupid. But I know I have no control over that if she does. But I'm hoping our finances will be in the black, not the red, like they are right now.
We've agreed on a few things. No more money on credit cards unless we consult each other first. Credit cards will only be used for emergencies or absolute repairs or maintenance on cars or house.
We will not be spending any money for Christmas this year. All money will be put towards payment of debts. That's our present to each other this year.
When I do go to see the attorney, I want to be able to put all of our income/expenses on one sheet to save time for the attorney to review. Having less debts will make that possible. Right now it's about 2 pages long.
I wonder if your initial consultation with the lawyer could be via phone or Skype, given your work schedule. And if there is a list of debts or other information to go over with him/her perhaps it could be emailed... that way your time missing work would be minimal... Great idea . I will check into that. Very cool. Thanks for the idea!
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 23:09:42 GMT -5
I really wasn't thinking about anything but getting my underwear.
But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved.
But it will never happen again.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 23:02:14 GMT -5
Hugs Elie,
I sure hope so too. I recently heard of a friend who had to have 17 stints put in their heart from the damage caused by a heart attack. She is functioning just fine. I think our emotional hearts can be healed in much the same, by the talent, care and love of a loving relationship. I'm still searching for my "Heart Specialist". I'm very encouraged by the experiences of many in this group.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:55:20 GMT -5
Well maybe it should have been, but it wasn't the first thought because I had thought in my own home with my wife, that wouldn't have been an issue.
I guess in a normal marriage it wouldn't be. I guess I just forgot where I was, lol.
We're just roommates and as such I shouldn't have done that.
You're right about that.
But it won't ever happen again, that's for damn sure.
No. Don’t accept any blame for this situation. You have a right to be naked in your own home whether your wife is there or not. Just because she is sexually immature/dysfunctional/stunted/whatever does not mean there is anything wrong with YOU. There was nothing passive aggressive about going to look for clean underwear that never made it to your room. She’s got issues and they sure as shit aren’t because of you and your body. I hope when you move on from this heartless, senseless, tactless, selfish person you will meet a wonderful woman who cherishes everything about you, including each “imperfection”. It’s what makes you, you. Your wife no longer loves your imperfections (if she ever did). There is someone out there for you who will. ((Hugs)) Thank you choosinghappy, it was what I initially thought.
Hugs, with tears.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:48:08 GMT -5
Just offering hugs solodriver . I understand what a punch in the gut this must have felt like, as I had one of those myself before I left my SM. I can absolutely empathize with how you are feeling right now and it’s shitty. I’m so sorry. I hope that in time you will truly realize that this incident says infinitely more about her than it does about you. It’s cruel, plain and simple. And it’s not the first time she’s been cruel to you (e.g. telling you on Father’s Day that you’re not a father). I hope you can get away from this horrible woman quicker than you think. You deserve so much better. Thanks choosinghappy,
I guess it's like the 1960s DJs who said
"And the hits just keep on coming!"
But not for too much longer. I'm going to do all I can to not allow her another chance to "hit" me again.
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