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Post by northstarmom on Oct 30, 2023 4:16:20 GMT -5
How could your wife throw you out of the house? At least in the states, that would not be possible. And, frankly, as bad as your marriage is and as much as your wife depends on you, wouldn't separation/divorce be a good thing for you by freeing up your life so you could do what you want? And, in all honesty, given all that you do for your wife, it seems unlikely she would dump you. What would she do without you? You really do hold the cards in your relationship. You just don't play them.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 19:11:01 GMT -5
m76: " This right here is the hardest thing to accept for us in a SM. That the partner that we love and want to have sex with just doesn't want to have sex with us. Doesn't really matter what the reason is, just they don't care enough about us to want to make us happy."
They may want to make us happy but it's very hard to make yourself have sex with someone you aren't sexually attracted to. And, at best, the recipient of such sex would get the male or female version of starfish sex. They wouldn't get the mutually fulfilling sex they long for. Once I realized that (and it took me a long time since I was with him a total of 36 years), it wasn't that hard to decide to divorce and move on.I did have to realize, however, that my now ex's sexual rejection of me didn't mean no man would desire me.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 18:37:05 GMT -5
Missingout: "Ya she is in menopausal and was taking the medication for 2 weeks and stopped for a rash that was occurring all over her. So now she has an excuse not to take it. Was trying to explain to her that it would go away but her DR said to stop taking it and that your husband doesn’t need sex. Lol"
That's what SHE says her doctor said. Her doctor may have said nothing of the kind. WHen I was premenopausal I started having migraines every time I orgasmed (even though most of my sex was solo). I told my doctor because, obviously, that wasn't my idea of fun sex. My doctor, a man didn't see a problem with that because -- golly gee-- I still could have sex. So, I started seeing a different doctor who had empathy.
Your wife simply doesn't want to have sex with you. She's happy to find excuses. She probably likes the benefits of marriage (and that could include her fear of living alone or her fears of a reduced lifestyle in case of a divorce), but simply doesn't want to have sex with you. It will be up to you whether this is a deal breaker because it seems she can live with the current situation.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 14:03:00 GMT -5
You don't have to take sex off the table because their behavior is screaming that they don't find you sexually attractive so don't want to have sex with you. Believe it or not some people marry people they aren't sexually attracted to. They marry such a person because the person is nice, supportive, a good provider, could be a good parent for future children. But they aren't sexually attracted to the person even though they may acted like they were or have tolerated sex earlier in order to hook the person into marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2023 16:32:09 GMT -5
She needs to get back into therapy and to also have her hormones checked as her depression could have medical reason that's not mental health related.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 22, 2023 21:36:56 GMT -5
diode: "Or, not so much money...or any of a number of issues not involving meth..or meth...but we don't know, but we'd rather provocatively speculate and pass it off as fact..." Very true. But face it, here we always are speculating, so what's your point? But my point is that decaying and lots of missing teeth in a young person can be connected to meth addiction. Given that she was hitting on a much older man, I figure meth addiction is probably more likely than her simply having not much money. If I were approached by such a person, I'd be watching my wallet. "“Meth mouth” is characterized by severe tooth decay and gum disease, which often causes teeth to break or fall out. An examination of the mouths of 571 methamphetamine users showed: 96% had cavities 58% had untreated tooth decay 31% had six or more missing teeth The teeth of people addicted to methamphetamines are characterized by being blackened, stained, rotting, crumbling and falling apart. Often, the teeth cannot be salvaged and must be removed. The extensive tooth decay is likely caused by a combination of drug-induced psychological and physiological changes resulting in dry mouth and long periods of poor oral hygiene. Methamphetamine itself is also acidic." www.mouthhealthy.org/all-topics-a-z/meth-mouth
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2023 19:51:57 GMT -5
worksforme2: "Yesterday a younger woman struck up a conversation with me. She was pretty attractive until she smiled. Her teeth were in terrable shape. Many missing and many decayed. So an instant deal breaker. "
Such teeth problems can indicate meth addiction.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 19, 2023 12:46:39 GMT -5
What are you doing, Lessingham, to treat yourself better? Step by step treating yourself better will allow you to set boundaries that will mean you will not accept bad treatment any more from others. You'll also spend less time with those that don't value you. You will attract people who do value you. Do babysteps each day. This will make a difference. You can do this.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 19, 2023 12:31:53 GMT -5
Many women could say the same thing about dating. Don't follow Tiktok trends to see what prospective partners want. Be yourself. That will attract the kind of people who'll appreciate you. If you are dating a person who gives forth no effort move on.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 18, 2023 11:20:57 GMT -5
toughtiger: "i think IMO the results vary a great deal.... i have a person in my life whom i do not feel is benefited by it as the person he sees seems to be more leading him instead of listening. Not really about whether or not they had therapy......... but again IMO some in therapy tend to feel qualified to decide to play amateur therapy on me...."
I agree that results and therapists value. My own progress in therapy was set back when I spent a couple of years in therapy with a therapist who did some inappropriate things with me such as offer me a job. I learned later that the therapist, a licensed psychologist with a doctorate, had been through recovery for crack addiction (!) and eventually relapsed and made a suicide attempt. (I learned this because one of my friends was friends with his sister).
Thus, it's worth it to do everything possible to find a therapist who is a good therapist and a good match for you.
My life finally changed when I decided that I'd do anything possible to get the best therapist, not the cheapest therapist, I could. I looked for a woman therapist with experience with helping women with midlife crises. I ended up being with a woman licensed social worker who didn't take my insurance, so I had to pay out of pocket even though I wasn't employed. It ended up being worth it. It totally changed my life for the better. She listened with empathy, asked questions that helped me pay attention to my desires and needs (including my desire to have sex in my life and marriage), and she helped me find the path that was right for me.
As for your friends who think that since they've been in therapy, they can play therapist with you... Ugh! That's so egotistical and wrong. Also, it means they haven't advanced in therapy as much as they think because one of the most important things I learned in therapy was that I can't change anyone else, just myself.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 18, 2023 9:49:38 GMT -5
mirrorchid: " What percentage, men and women? 90% of the women (18/20), 50% of the men (3/6)?
This conceding some may have been in therapy but don't say so.
Hungry for data. Perhaps augmented by patterns of age? (Hypothesis: Younger=more likely)"
I can think of only one person I know who is hostile to therapy and to my knowledge has never had it even though she could use it. She is a gay surgeon, age 70, who is still angry about her beloved father who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge while she was in college. She is a very secretive emotionally closed person who has been my friend for more than 50 years and is the only close friend I have from the days before I started therapy. Her partner of more than 20 years has told me that sex has never been a part of their relationship. My friend keeps virtually everything about her life -- including her sexual orientation-- secret from others. She claims it would ruin her career if word got out that she's gay. Meanwhile, my family doctor in a red US state was gay and out and got the state's family doctor of the year award....
I can't give the data you require. However, it may be helpful to know that I don't have friends who are pilots or are in law enforcement, fields in which advancement may be difficult if it becomes known that you are in therapy.
Most of my friends also either have the means to pay for therapy or have insurance that covers it. And I have a lot of friends in helping professions, places where it's considered normal and helpful for people to get therapy.
Also, the more I had therapy and the more emotionally open and the more comfortable with my emotions I became, the less I have chosen to spend my time with people who are emotionally closed, and those are the type of people least likely to get therapy or to value it. My ex was emotionally closed, and when I started dating him, that behavior seemed safe to me. That type of behavior now is a red flag for me.
So my experiences with being around people who are comfortable with having had or having therapy is due to the type of people I choose to have in my life. People who express the viewpoint that those using therapy are "weak" or are "psycho" or are somehow beneath them are not people I choose to be around.
I like being around people who admit to having had struggles, and to having learned from and grown from those struggles including having learned with the help and support of therapy.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2023 22:23:20 GMT -5
worksforme2: "As for a man coming forth about his time on a couch I don't think most American women of my generation would be inclined toward a robust reception of the information. Perhaps younger women (gen X,Y,Z) are cut from a different bolt of cloth."
This perspective may be based on where you live and possibly whom you hang around with. I'm 72. Virtually everyone I know has been in therapy for something including navigating the ordinary challenges of life. This isn't considered odd. It's considered normal by the people I hang with. They've had marital counseling, therapy for depression, have had counseling for their kids' school problems, etc.
It's not seen as something to be embarrassed about. One would be a boor to talk in-depth about their therapy, but it wouldn't be startling or a big deal to mention in passing one's therapy.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2023 16:28:38 GMT -5
lessingham: Are you taking any action (therapy? Reading books about codependency? Distancing yourself from your son?) to end your "twisted co-dependency" or have you decided that it's impossible for you to change how you deal with your son? If you don't choose to change, your life is going to continue with the same misery. The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior.... The only behavior you have the power to change is your own. It's hard, but it is possible one baby step at a time. BTDT. It really is possible.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2023 16:24:55 GMT -5
Years ago, I met in person someone with whom I'd had some friendly, borderline flirty email exchanges in a social media discussion board on nonsexual topics in our field. We met when we ended up at the same professional conference. While I'd enjoyed our emails, there was no in-person chemistry, possibly because of pheromones. There was nothing wrong with his looks or conversational skills. I just didn't find him sexually attractive. He didn't do anything wrong. There simply was no spark on my part.
One of my women friends who has lots of hook-ups with men she meets online says that she has found that for her, chemistry is important. She always meets prospects for a coffee date and ends the date with a kiss before making further plans. She says that if she feels no chemistry, she doesn't proceed with a hook-up, and she tells the men, "Sorry. I just don't feel chemistry." She doesn't think chemistry is that important for men because even though the men who are her prospects are in general 20 years younger than her and very good looking (She is good looking for 72 and can pass for late 50s), none of her prospects have turned her down.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2023 16:14:21 GMT -5
toughtiger: "In terms of growing my social circle, that’s something I’m trying to find ways to do, however, I know that it won’t go down well with her as she likes me at home, and hates it if I even so much as mention going to the gym."
You hate having a SM, but that doesn't inspire her to be sexual with you.
So what if she hates your going to the gym? What's she going to do -- divorce you? Will she offer you sex to fill the time you'd spend at the gym? Really, what do you have to lose except being miserable at home with her, if you choose to have hobbies and friendships outside of the home?
During the last years of my 34-year marriage, with the help of therapy, I expanded my circle of friends, took trips by myself, and did many activities outside of the home without my husband. My husband was happy spending his time at home watching sports or working on his computer. I did not ask his permission to get involved in activities, to take trips (retreats, classes in things I enjoyed). I just did them. Whether he liked or disliked my doing those things didn't matter to me because we basically were roommates. By the time we divorced, we'd been completely sexless for 8 years because he refused to have sex with me. We obviously lacked a romantic connection so I saw no reason to ask or need his permission to do things that made my life happier. My misery over being sexless obviously didn't bother him so there was no reason for me to take his feelings into account when doing things that brightened my life. He was just a roommate.
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