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Post by baza on Apr 2, 2019 7:04:35 GMT -5
It is the curse of the English, we are desperately addicted to being nice. And on top of that I have my desperate need to be nice, pat my head and I roll over. I have tried therapy for years to try and unlock my assertiveness or even my "New York Strop". In my sillier reflective mood, I believe all the assertive English left and went to live in Australia! Two names for you Brother lessingham . Brothers endthegame and nolongerlonely . The relevance being - they are both members of this group, both are nice blokes, both are English, and, both left their dysfunctional marriages. nolongerlonely about a year ago. endthegame about 6 months ago. Being nice wasn't a bar to them making difficult choices. Nor was being English.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 2, 2019 13:54:41 GMT -5
It is the curse of the English, we are desperately addicted to being nice. And on top of that I have my desperate need to be nice, pat my head and I roll over. I have tried therapy for years to try and unlock my assertiveness or even my "New York Strop". In my sillier reflective mood, I believe all the assertive English left and went to live in Australia! lessingham you are being far too southern. Come up to the north we will soon have you cured of your ailment. It’s entirely possible to be a nice person and have your say. It’s in the genes here.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 2, 2019 15:52:21 GMT -5
(laughing) I am let down by my genes and upbringing! There is Irish blood on both sides of my family and I was raised in the deepest, darkest West Riding. I should have the gift of the gab, the luck of the Irish and the bloody mindedness of a pit village mongrel. But I ended up with "nice".
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Post by isthisit on Apr 2, 2019 15:59:33 GMT -5
Laughing too.
I am also nice, but take no shit whatsoever if the need arises. Give it a try.
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Post by baza on Apr 2, 2019 21:00:46 GMT -5
Laughing too. I am also nice, but take no shit whatsoever if the need arises. Give it a try. That's the point really. This group abounds with "nice" people. Good blokes, lovely women. And none of them get a pass on the difficult choices. No-one gets that pass. You can of course avoid making the difficult choices by the simple expedient of doing nothing - in which case the choices other people make for themselves will basically run your life for you....for example the choices your spouse makes that impact on you. Invariably with sub optimal consequences. You choose, and wear the consequences of your choice. You don't choose, but let someone else choose for you, and wear the consequences of that. It's all quite egalitarian, no-one gets a pass.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2019 21:27:11 GMT -5
lessingham said: "I am let down by my genes and upbringing! There is Irish blood on both sides of my family and I was raised in the deepest, darkest West Riding. I should have the gift of the gab, the luck of the Irish and the bloody mindedness of a pit village mongrel. But I ended up with "nice."
You can choose to change. While it's not easy to change oneself, it's far easier to change oneself than to change one's spouse.
If you don't choose to change, you can continue to spend your life complaining about your unfortunate genes and luck....
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Post by lessingham on Apr 4, 2019 6:01:03 GMT -5
I do choose to change. I reject my genes and the evil committed on me as a child. I choose to go forward
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Post by saarinista on Apr 11, 2019 23:36:45 GMT -5
It is the curse of the English, we are desperately addicted to being nice. And on top of that I have my desperate need to be nice, pat my head and I roll over. I have tried therapy for years to try and unlock my assertiveness or even my "New York Strop". In my sillier reflective mood, I believe all the assertive English left and went to live in Australia! there's some truth about the assertive English having gone to Australia, I think. Perhaps that's why I'm rather fond of Aussies. Life only changes when you force it, lessingham. Nice ain't gonna cut it.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 28, 2019 3:43:18 GMT -5
Another morning of rejections. Oddly, and I do not know if this is a liberation, I no longer give a fuck. Pardon my French. Yes, she is ill and worried about the tests, but I too have my illnesses I work through. My arthritis does not stop me, nor stop me helping my son move. My deafness isolates me, but I reach out, I try. I now believe her reasons are just cloaks to give her refusals dignity in her eyes. But the cheese in the trap needs to be replaced every now and then to refresh the trap. No sex eventually leads to not interested any move. So, I no longer care and no longer even pretending to ask any more.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 28, 2019 5:13:16 GMT -5
Another morning of rejections. Oddly, and I do not know if this is a liberation, I no longer give a fuck. Pardon my French. Yes, she is ill and worried about the tests, but I too have my illnesses I work through. My arthritis does not stop me, nor stop me helping my son move. My deafness isolates me, but I reach out, I try. I now believe her reasons are just cloaks to give her refusals dignity in her eyes. But the cheese in the trap needs to be replaced every now and then to refresh the trap. No sex eventually leads to not interested any move. So, I no longer care and no longer even pretending to ask any more. ‘The cheese in the trap’ oh that made me giggle, nice one lessingham . Otherwise, we have all been there ad nauseum. Life can be richer, you just need to will to reach for it. Stay strong and take care of yourself as best you can.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 28, 2019 7:02:27 GMT -5
Lessingham: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expectating a different result. Read over your initial posts on threads you have started. You will notice you are repeatedly complaining about the same thing. If you want to be happy, either find a way to be content with a sexless marriage or find a way to divorce. Continuing to try to or to expect sex from your wife is a waste of your time and only adds to your misery.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 28, 2019 7:05:19 GMT -5
Lessingham: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expectating a different result. Read over your initial posts on threads you have started. You will notice you are repeatedly complaining about the same thing. If you want to be happy, either find a way to be content with a sexless marriage or find a way to divorce. Continuing to try to or to expect sex from your wife is a waste of your time and only adds to your misery.
And if you didn’t give a fuck then you wouldn’t have bothered posting here. You do care about your wife’s rejections. You do care about not having sex. Do you care enough to do things under your control to get out of that miserable marriage?
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Post by lessingham on May 2, 2019 3:23:54 GMT -5
I cannot find the courage to leave or stay. I cannot find the....... Ability to remain in a sexless marriage, it hurts. But most of the women in my life brutalised me to the point where getting emotional pain from my wife is a norm. I have spent years trying to get out from under that rock. So I tilt a little one way to leave , then another tilt to stay and never past the tipping point. Therapy is great at clarifying choices and building esteem but the choice, the action is only mine, nobody can make that for me. Insanity is repeating the same actions but in every human heart there is a spark of hope that whispers, "this time". To be flippant, every sprinter that hunkers down to race Ussain Bolt hopes agsinst hope that the great man forgot to tie his laces, or ate bad prawns the night before. Maybe this time, agsinst all experience, my wife will change is my hope.
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Post by tamara68 on May 2, 2019 5:38:51 GMT -5
I cannot find the courage to leave or stay. I cannot find the....... Ability to remain in a sexless marriage, it hurts. But most of the women in my life brutalised me to the point where getting emotional pain from my wife is a norm. I have spent years trying to get out from under that rock. So I tilt a little one way to leave , then another tilt to stay and never past the tipping point. Therapy is great at clarifying choices and building esteem but the choice, the action is only mine, nobody can make that for me. Insanity is repeating the same actions but in every human heart there is a spark of hope that whispers, "this time". To be flippant, every sprinter that hunkers down to race Ussain Bolt hopes agsinst hope that the great man forgot to tie his laces, or ate bad prawns the night before. Maybe this time, agsinst all experience, my wife will change is my hope. You can find the courage to leave when staying has reached the point if being worse than doing nothing. This is a difficult time when you don't know what to do and it is not yet clear what is best and what is worse. Maybe you can get more clarity on some of the issues. Ask your wife if she is ever going to desire you. Every possible answer is good when it gives clarity. Also go to a lawyer for advice. That doesn't mean you actually are leaving but it will give you valuable input.
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Post by northstarmom on May 2, 2019 7:02:46 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “I cannot find the courage to leave or stay. “
By making no decision by default you are staying, which is the passive, noncourageous decision for you.
Lessingham said: “Therapy is great at clarifying choices and building esteem but the choice, the action is only mine, nobody can make that for me. “
While no one can make the choice for you,therapy can support you and help you identify the steps to divorce and it can support you as you take those steps of seeing a lawyer, shoring up your support system, getting involved in enjoyable activities without your wife, engaging a lawyer and going through the other steps of divorcing.
Lessingham said: “Insanity is repeating the same actions but in every human heart there is a spark of hope that whispers, "this time". To be flippant, every sprinter that hunkers down to race Ussain Bolt hopes agsinst hope that the great man forgot to tie his laces, or ate bad prawns the night before. Maybe this time, agsinst all experience, my wife will change is my hope.”
World class athletes want to beat Bolt at his best not due to his being unwell or needing to tie his shoes. Thus, they do everything possible to become the best athletes they can be.
By comparison, you are wasting your time hoping your wife will change. You only control yourself. It would be far better to invest in seeing a lawyer, shoring your support system, etc. than to continue trying to have sex with your wife.
One last thing: you keep saying you stay due to being “nice.” I don’t view your actions as being nice. I view you as being passive dependent, masochistic, and cowardly when it comes to taking care of yourself. Letting others mistreat you isn’t being nice. Since your wife has said that if you become infirm, she’d put you in a home,I doubt it would break her heart if you divorce her. She would care more about finances than losing you.
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