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Post by lessingham on Jan 31, 2019 5:51:52 GMT -5
Thank you, Jack Frost. Bloody cold here today. My wife refused to get out of bed as it was so cold. I said either get up or get laid. She said ok........... So, smug smiles all round and a cyber beer for one and all. First lovemaking since November and at this rate I may hit the magical 10 times a year and have to hand in my SM badge.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2019 8:51:52 GMT -5
Lessingham, would you consider yourself happily married if you had 10 fucks a year and everything else were the same?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 31, 2019 10:50:14 GMT -5
Thank you, Jack Frost. Bloody cold here today. My wife refused to get out of bed as it was so cold. I said either get up or get laid. She said ok........... So, smug smiles all round and a cyber beer for one and all. First lovemaking since November and at this rate I may hit the magical 10 times a year and have to hand in my SM badge. One thing that does result in more sex from a refuser is pressure. From the standpoint of the clinical definition, by August or so I was no longer in a sexless marriage. Just because we hit ten times, that does not mean we achieve some level of happiness. The more sex my wife got the more rude she was. She could fake it for a few minutes, every few months, but when I pushed her, I realized it was not a shared good experience. She wanted it over, and as a result it was not the kind of sex I wanted.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 31, 2019 17:43:18 GMT -5
I can buy 10 fucks a year. I want to make love! Not a semantic difference but true. Ten lovemaking sessions would be a happy milestone. I think the idea of an improving love lifecwould help. But ifvit is just a blip then we are back to square 1.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 2, 2019 7:19:38 GMT -5
And the clock is reset and ticking. Ok, I am pushing my luck but I was refused this mofning, two days after lovemaking. I am still post sex happy so it did not hurt much. But we had a great session, she came twice and was happy too. This morning she refused everything, even to remove her pjs for a naked cuddle. I know a lot of guys here think the "why" is not important but to me it is and the stubborn silence that follows the No drives me nuts.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 4, 2019 21:48:01 GMT -5
If she was happy, why would she be so frigid about a repeat performance? I don't really need to know the answer, but it is an important question to ask yourself.
You may also ask her what she liked, and what you could do to make the next event better. You would be showing interest in improving your game for her. Will she be appreciative or avoidant?
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Post by lessingham on Feb 5, 2019 3:57:19 GMT -5
And there is the rock on which we all flounder, the why! Why does our partners efuse us, why do they not want more if they enjoy it, why do they never tell us? From the many many conversations I have gleaned these nuggets of information. Whether they are true is another matter. She worries about her advances being rejected!!!!!! She worries if she says yes there will be a tidal wave of sexual advances. She worries if she ever deviates fromvanilla I will deprave her. Sigh. None of this is true
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 5, 2019 16:16:06 GMT -5
lessingham said: "I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. I went on my own once or twice but felt like a third wheel mostly. I love gym work but have been struck with arthritis so work outs are problematic." ? I've taken dance lessons -- ballroom, salsa, Irish, African, modern, tap and ballet. Not one time has there been an overabundance of men. That's because far more women like to dance than do men, and men of the relatively few men who like dance are gay. That's why when I've taken dance classes requiring partners, women have had to learn men's steps so everyone could have a partner. When I've gone to clubs where bands are playing, half of the women end up dancing with other women because there aren't enough men. If you want to dance, take one-on-one ballroom dance lessons, go to the studio's dance parties where you get to dance with other partners, and then get into the contests. You'll meet lots of great people and will be appreciated by many women who lack dance partners and appreciate knowing a guy who not only loves to dance but knows how. And, frankly, considering how badly your wife treats you, it's good that she's not interesting. That gives you the opportunity to meet other people whom you will enjoy and who appreciate and encourage you. Line dancing doesn't require a partner just a thought. I'm sure there are a lot of women who want to take lessons but husband's won't. Place an ad looking for a partner for dance lessons.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 9, 2019 10:30:21 GMT -5
Another bad night, so horny I could not sleep. I lay there wanting her so badly and scared to touch her for beibg angrily rebuffed. So, today I feel wasted and empty. Some days I cannot see any future and it is a struggle to get to the next day. But I will get there, one day atca time, dear Lord.
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Post by mescaline on Mar 10, 2019 6:58:11 GMT -5
Sympathies and empathies Leasingham. I know how you feel as do so many here. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, pretty soon I hope to be strong enough to leave, but for now it is a case of focusing on you your future, and your present and making what you can of it.
Our spouses are either unaware or uncaring it is this realisation that sustains me and means I cope. For the present at least.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 10, 2019 7:56:14 GMT -5
Empathy coming your way from me too lessingham . Please try to remember that you are perfectly normal and healthy, and it is your wife who has the issues. I know this understanding means sod all at 1 am when you could scratch off your skin with frustration (been there soooo many times) but in the cold light of day it can inform your decision making. I have just leapt from my SM and while at the moment it’s too early to begin to set foot into the dating world, what I have now is hope and optimism that my future does not necessarily look like the past 15 years. Best Wishes
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 10, 2019 11:29:36 GMT -5
Poop or get off the pot time. The fear holding me here is fear and cowardice. I know what I do not want. I do not want to be a dirty old man in Thailand, bar girl in tow. I do not want to be alone in a bedsit. I do not want to trade a marriage of hardly any sex for a future of no sex. I want to know what I do want and I want the impossible guarantee that leaving will give me happiness or the potential for happiness. Yes, coming here to this site is a step forward. One way to make you closer to that goal is use this time to work out and socialize. Improve yourself physically and mentally. Take classes or join a group without her you can see how well you socialize how much people enjoy your company. Take notice of your short comings and work on them. Unfortunately SM takes a toll on more than just our sex life. Once you build self confidence and are easily interacting with people of both sexes you will find yourself believing you will not stay alone. I honestly pretty much withdrew I didn't want to go out with him. I didn't feel attractive I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. I started going out with friends. Revamped my hair and wardrobe. Started eating better and excercising. Started talking to people any where and everywhere until I was thinking .." he doesn't deserve me"
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 10, 2019 11:33:17 GMT -5
What angeleyes said is what I did that gave me the confidence to leave my sm. I did that before finding EP, iliasm’s predecessor. All here who are in sms and want to leave are luckier than I was because you can learn from others’ experiences instead of figuring out things on your own.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 10, 2019 14:09:57 GMT -5
So here's the thing... doing YOUR SHARE of the household chores will not make someone want to fuck you. However, shirking your household duties certainly doesn't make you MORE fuckable. My ex refused sex and he refused to do basic household chores or childcare. I did more. He expected more and said nothing. I did less and he called me a slug. I stopped altogether and he eventually moved out. I had a messy house but a lot more storage space to clean it back up again once all his crap was gone.
However, my current partner and I have loads of sex and he does at least his share of household chores and appreciates what I do. I make dinner. He thanks me. I do something for him or one of his kids, he thanks me. I've been helping him tidy up his flat that he's giving notice on to live with me. He says it's not my job. I say, well we're making a household, this is a household job and so it is my job, too.
If you have kids, you owe it to them to be a model of a good partner and do your share.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 10, 2019 14:22:18 GMT -5
lessingham - all of us, I would a hazard a guess that it's 99.999999% of us, have chased the why. 100% of us have at least wondered why. It's ok, we all go through it. For myself, it was only in retrospect that I could see the why didn't matter. And you know what, me leaving didn't fix him either. He's still the same self-centred bastard he always was who likes to go on the attack when he feels he even been slightly criticised or in fact 'knows' he's done wrong. I still don't know why he behaves like that. It cost him his marriage. It continues to cost him peace of mind and an easy life. I will never know. I can guess, but I cannot know for sure. Even if I knew I couldn't fix it. If I could fix it I would, for my son's sake. But to be honest, I have a much better relationship now - better than I thought I deserved. I certainly wouldnt go back to the low standards I did have.
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