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Post by lessingham on Jan 24, 2019 5:41:42 GMT -5
Today I cannot breathe. It has been months since we had sex and since her hacking of my emails, jerking off to porn is hard to manage. It feels like I am walking into walls, my mind is so obsessed with my penis. And so today she decides to pull a sickie. I get up, drive my son to work (Don't ask.) I do the washing up, set the laundry and tidy the house. The ironing is staring at me. She staggers downstairs with a headache. No, those are not the headache pills she likes, find the others. Can I fix the steamer to play nice lights and waft lavender oil into the room? A bowl of porridge and coffee would be nice. Can I turn on the radio for soft music? Did I make my son's bed, (seriously do not ask). I snapped, "maybe the headaches are due to lack of sex and you're really horny." "Fuck off!!" she replies. The WORST thing about believing the bullshit women say about helping with chores and she might be less tired in the evenings is you end up being her bitch.
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Post by baza on Jan 24, 2019 6:33:51 GMT -5
There's one common theme in the vast majority of stories in here Brother lessingham . And that is, that the resolution to the situation will come from you, and the choices you make from here on in, or there will be no resolution to the situation. The resolution will not come from your missus.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2019 6:41:24 GMT -5
There's one common theme in the vast majority of stories in here Brother lessingham . And that is, that the resolution to the situation will come from you, and the choices you make from here on in, or there will be no resolution to the situation. The resolution will not come from your missus. Baza IMO is very much correct on this one. You will remain her bitch if you continue to allow it. Find what you can change in your behavior and your attitude and do what you need to do for you. Speaking for myself and my short time on this board, I have found that focusing on me and less on my husband has made a world of difference in how I feel over all and about myself in general. Ironically, my husband is noticing the change and there has been a modest improvement in our SM. Regardless of what happens to our SM, I'm here to find healing for me and help me feel better. If the marriage is saved, that would be a bonus. Sorry your day is starting out so rough.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 24, 2019 8:26:12 GMT -5
I bought myself some blood red tulips. A tiny thing, but why not?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 24, 2019 8:28:12 GMT -5
“And so today she decides to pull a sickie. I get up, drive my son to work (Don't ask.) I do the washing up, set the laundry and tidy the house. The ironing is staring at me. She staggers downstairs with a headache. No, those are not the headache pills she likes, find the others. Can I fix the steamer to play nice lights and waft lavender oil into the room? A bowl of porridge and coffee would be nice. Can I turn on the radio for soft music? Did I make my son's bed, (seriously do not ask). I snapped, "maybe the headaches are due to lack of sex and you're re”
Therapy or a support group (such as codependency anonymous or al-Anon if you grew up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic home) could help you develop the confidence and self respect to reject her demands and low view of you. Some support groups meet on line.you don’t have to live in such misery.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 24, 2019 10:11:44 GMT -5
You got the “fuck off”? I get that too. Anytime I bring up anything at all that isn’t about the internet or video games. Basically anytime my behavior isn’t pleasing to him. Of course I’m also “fucking psycho”, for wanting an affectionate, intimate marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 24, 2019 14:40:56 GMT -5
Helping with chores. Oh, the memories. I remember that one. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 24, 2019 15:27:16 GMT -5
The WORST thing about believing the bullshit women say about helping with chores and she might be less tired in the evenings is you end up being her bitch. There have been a number of surveys and studies as to the relationship between a man doing the household choirs and an increase in frequency of intimacy from his female partner. All the ones I read have resulted in the same conclusion. One's efforts at "chore play" will not result in her feeling more rested or appreciative and thus more inclined to reward you with a bit of nukkie. Chore play is just one more piece of psycho babble trotted out by the so called relationship experts. When trying to fix my SM I read and tried so many of these marriage and relationship strategies I can't remember half of them. None of them worked for me and you are learning that they aren't doing much for you either. As I read your story I am struck by how abusive she seems to treat you. And for the life of me I cannot understand why you just seem to take it. You cannot possibly be that un-attractive unless you are a modern day Quasimodo, and I seriously doubt that. My friend I believe you need a crash course in confidence. Doing things that you enjoy and that perhaps put you in a place or position to interact with others could quickly show you that you aren't someone to be shunned. I've known a lot on "shall we say" less that movie star material guys who's looks will never get them on the cover of GQ. But they don't let that stop them. Hell I'm one of them. I suggest you give some thought to what type of activities you have dreamed of or enjoyed in the past and see if you can't find a means to get your hands around some of them. Google "Meet Up" and look at the myriad of groups of strangers that get together to participate in an activity they all enjoy. Seriously, find a way to get away from the tyranny she subjects you to, if just for a few hours a day. The sooner the better for you.
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Post by csl on Jan 24, 2019 15:41:28 GMT -5
Helping with chores. Oh, the memories. I remember that one. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't. Choreplay is just another of the ever elusive, movable goalposts.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 24, 2019 18:00:27 GMT -5
worksforme2 has a good idea. Find other things you enjoy. Improve yourself. Improve your self confidence. The last year of my marriage I began working out and taking classes at the gym. I got into great shape and got a lot of positive reinforcement. I used the MeetUp app to find mountain biking and kayaking groups near me. All that helped give me the confidence to move forward.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 24, 2019 18:26:28 GMT -5
I do try to research things I long to enjoy. I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. I went on my own once or twice but felt like a third wheel mostly. I love gym work but have been struck with arthritis so work outs are problematic. Why I put up with it could fill a book. Maybe I believe I deserve nothing else. Maybe I believe this is normal and tales from the outside are not true. Maybe coming here is a start of a journey with most interesting destinations!
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Post by baza on Jan 24, 2019 18:48:41 GMT -5
I do try to research things I long to enjoy. I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. I went on my own once or twice but felt like a third wheel mostly. I love gym work but have been struck with arthritis so work outs are problematic. Why I put up with it could fill a book. Maybe I believe I deserve nothing else. Maybe I believe this is normal and tales from the outside are not true. Maybe coming here is a start of a journey with most interesting destinations! "Maybe I believe I deserve nothing else. Maybe I believe this is normal and tales from the outside are not true. Maybe coming here is a start of a journey with most interesting destinations!" - you say Brother lessingham . Any one of those things could be true. It will all swing on the choices (and/or non-choices) you make from here on in. Brother csl often says things along the lines of 'if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting the same outcomes as you always have' - which is pretty sound advice. Anyway, it reads like you are at least open to the idea that your life does not have to be as it is. That's not such a bad place to start. You might not be in pole position but you are at least on the starting grid. PS - have opened another thread on this "deserve" concept.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2019 18:54:35 GMT -5
I do try to research things I long to enjoy. I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. I went on my own once or twice but felt like a third wheel mostly. I love gym work but have been struck with arthritis so work outs are problematic. Why I put up with it could fill a book. Maybe I believe I deserve nothing else. Maybe I believe this is normal and tales from the outside are not true. Maybe coming here is a start of a journey with most interesting destinations! We all start somewhere. Continue trying to make positive changes and, at the very least, you won't still be stuck where you are --- emotionally, and perhaps physically either.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 24, 2019 19:00:26 GMT -5
lessingham said: "I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. I went on my own once or twice but felt like a third wheel mostly. I love gym work but have been struck with arthritis so work outs are problematic."
? I've taken dance lessons -- ballroom, salsa, Irish, African, modern, tap and ballet. Not one time has there been an overabundance of men. That's because far more women like to dance than do men, and men of the relatively few men who like dance are gay. That's why when I've taken dance classes requiring partners, women have had to learn men's steps so everyone could have a partner. When I've gone to clubs where bands are playing, half of the women end up dancing with other women because there aren't enough men.
If you want to dance, take one-on-one ballroom dance lessons, go to the studio's dance parties where you get to dance with other partners, and then get into the contests. You'll meet lots of great people and will be appreciated by many women who lack dance partners and appreciate knowing a guy who not only loves to dance but knows how. And, frankly, considering how badly your wife treats you, it's good that she's not interesting. That gives you the opportunity to meet other people whom you will enjoy and who appreciate and encourage you.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 24, 2019 20:16:21 GMT -5
I learned many many years ago that no amount of chores or housework you undertake will improve a Refusers Sexual Desire for you. It is the greatest myth since big foot. '
If anything taking a harder line and perhaps refusing to assist with the housework will at the very least bring this matter back to the negotiating table. There she will either sit down and decide she will blow up the relationship or she might actually reevaluate the deal and decide it is not in her interest to leave her meal ticket, babysitter, house helper etc therefore possibly negotiating more sex in your marriage.
Word of warning though previous experience on these boards indicates any change negotiated is usually short lived.
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