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Post by flounder on Jan 26, 2019 9:09:18 GMT -5
Do you have access to a good therapist lessingham ?
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 26, 2019 9:32:57 GMT -5
“So finally there is the Quasimodo reason. I am the reason, the fault and the ugly thing that cannot be desired.” lessinghamWhy must you deduce that the reason MUST be due to something you are doing? It is just as likely (even more likely in my opinion) that the reason is due to HER issue. Not you, her. And when you get to a point where you can see that and agree with it you will be able to take back some of your power in your own life. Changing your password and reclaiming your privacy is a wonderful place to start! You are your own man and you deserve that. Good for you.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 26, 2019 10:21:58 GMT -5
Today was a goodish day. We went house hunting for my son to get him out of the house. Then I will no longer be dealing with his attitudes, he moved home when his apartment was sold and has years of single living behind him. I spoke to my wife about the lack of sex and she seemed receptive to change. She said she thought I was joking about missing sex!!!! I was with a therapist for years as she helped renew my self worth and esteen. She placed lovely barriers in my behaviour, "no more self harm" and so on. I am a great person, just that it takes me a long time and huge amounts of courage to admit it.
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Post by jamesbonding on Jan 26, 2019 19:32:04 GMT -5
Today was a goodish day. We went house hunting for my son to get him out of the house. Then I will no longer be dealing with his attitudes, he moved home when his apartment was sold and has years of single living behind him. I spoke to my wife about the lack of sex and she seemed receptive to change. She said she thought I was joking about missing sex!!!!I was with a therapist for years as she helped renew my self worth and esteen. She placed lovely barriers in my behaviour, "no more self harm" and so on. I am a great person, just that it takes me a long time and huge amounts of courage to admit it. I, too, have been amazed at how oblivious my wife can be to my complaints about infrequency of sex. (It's been better for the last half year.) Think carefully: what changed, what did you do differently, that caused your wife to be more receptive to your message? If you can figure that out, that may help you be more successful in getting what you want in the future. Since you suddenly started posting here a few days ago, I'd guess you have been thinking intently about your sexless marriage problem recently, and have become more determined to solve it. This has perhaps caused you to be more focused and assertive in your communication. I've found it useful to keep a detailed diary of my wife's work schedule, what time of day I've asked for sex dates, what was her response, when she has initiated, when we have actually had sex, and so on. This has helped me, for example, to find the best time of day to ask for a future sex date (asking in the evening is good, not in the morning when she's rushing off to work).
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Post by lessingham on Jan 27, 2019 4:39:42 GMT -5
I found trying to find what works is like trying to kick a field goal where the pists are hidden behind a huge wall. The only clue you get is "missed". No details of how close or encouragement or even a bit of coaching.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 27, 2019 9:20:25 GMT -5
“I've found it useful to keep a detailed diary of my wife's work schedule, what time of day I've asked for sex dates, what was her response, when she has initiated, when we have actually had sex, and so on. This has helped me, for example, to find the best time of day to ask for a future sex date (asking in the evening is good, not in the morning when she's rushing off to work).”
Seems like a helluva lot of work for an outcome that if one is with most refusers isn’t going to happen. Word from Oppositeland : people in healthy relationships are able to talk openly about when is a good time for sex. They don’t have to guess or journal to figure this out. They offer rain checks or are clear about when are good and bad times to have sex. For example, I told my partner that 1:00 am the day I had to take a business trip was not a good time but when I returned would be a good time.
People who want to have sex with you make their desires about timing clear. People looking for an excuse to not have sex let you guess because no time is the right time but they don’t want to tell you that.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 27, 2019 17:19:38 GMT -5
Amen to that brother! My wife did not like early sex as she was rushing to get to work. She did not like evening sex as she was too tired after work. She hated sex on a Saturday as she wanted a sleep in and had chores. Sunday was out as she needed to get ready for work on Monday.
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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2019 19:13:57 GMT -5
The thing is, ANY excuse will do the job of avoiding sex. It doesn't matter whether the excuse is the biggest load of bullshit you ever heard - or if the excuse is God's own truth.
See, the excuse is offered up. In scenario #1 (where the excuse is total bullshit) you accept it. You may well accept it disbelievingly, skeptically, unwillingly, pissed offidly even .... but you do accept it and there is no sex. Mission accomplished. In scenario #2, you call the spouse out on their bullshit excuse, and have a blazing row about it .... and that gets you out of the mood of wanting to fuck your spouse and accomplishes the mission of avoiding sex.
So really, ANY excuse will do. A plausible excuse = no sex A bullshit excuse that you can't be arsed arguing about = no sex A bullshit excuse that escalates into a fight = no sex
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Post by Handy on Jan 27, 2019 20:03:15 GMT -5
Lessingham My wife did not like early sex as she was rushing to get to work. She did not like evening sex as she was too tired after work. She hated sex on a Saturday as she wanted a sleep in and had chores. Sunday was out as she needed to get ready for work on Monday.
Maybe both our W's went to the same school. The excuses sound very similar.
My W was good to go almost anytime if I put in the time before an encounter, until she got a part time job. Then it was no sex the day before work. No sex on a work day. No sex on her first day off work. When she worked every other day, that didn't leave many good days.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 29, 2019 18:18:38 GMT -5
Lying on the living room floor, too horny to go to bed, too tired to stay awake. I cannot cope with the anticipated rejection if I go to bed. I feel so sick and tired of this
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Post by baza on Jan 29, 2019 18:56:47 GMT -5
Lying on the living room floor, too horny to go to bed, too tired to stay awake. I cannot cope with the anticipated rejection if I go to bed. I feel so sick and tired of this Are you sick of it enough to prompt you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you Brother lessingham ?
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Post by workingonit on Jan 29, 2019 20:20:32 GMT -5
Lying on the living room floor, too horny to go to bed, too tired to stay awake. I cannot cope with the anticipated rejection if I go to bed. I feel so sick and tired of this I remember when I first came here. Admitting the truth of my situation to others changed me in some way. The reality of my lonelness, my wanting, my suppressed passionate nature just rose up so fast as if it had been waiting all along for some recognition. When I began to face the depth of what I was feeling my situation became unbearable. And I began to see that my life is my choice. What ways are you changing? What are you willing to do? Will you shut your eyes and quiet yourself again? Sounds like you have moved beyond the ability to do that. This is where growth and change begin.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 30, 2019 4:15:01 GMT -5
Poop or get off the pot time. The fear holding me here is fear and cowardice. I know what I do not want. I do not want to be a dirty old man in Thailand, bar girl in tow. I do not want to be alone in a bedsit. I do not want to trade a marriage of hardly any sex for a future of no sex. I want to know what I do want and I want the impossible guarantee that leaving will give me happiness or the potential for happiness. Yes, coming here to this site is a step forward.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 30, 2019 4:34:08 GMT -5
Life is full of hard choices with no guarantees. Most of us that leave find happiness. The only one I know of that may not have was a woman who wanted a man that matched her political views in an area where her views were in the minority, but she refused to entertain the idea of moving or of a long distance relationship.
So, unless you are adamant about keeping your prospects as narrow as can be, your odds of finding a partner within a year or two appear to be good. If you stay, your odds are slim.
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Post by baza on Jan 30, 2019 6:15:00 GMT -5
Poop or get off the pot time. The fear holding me here is fear and cowardice. I know what I do not want. I do not want to be a dirty old man in Thailand, bar girl in tow. I do not want to be alone in a bedsit. I do not want to trade a marriage of hardly any sex for a future of no sex. I want to know what I do want and I want the impossible guarantee that leaving will give me happiness or the potential for happiness. Yes, coming here to this site is a step forward. I think that the choice to leave your ILIASM deal must - absolutely - stand up all by itself. That is to say, that after you have done your homework on the pros and cons of this major life choice, the sums need to come up with leaving as being in your longer term best interests. That single life has more going for it than life in your dysfunctional marriage. If your sums and homework do NOT come up this answer, then it seems (to me) that it would not be such a smart move to leave. Your choice to leave cannot be predicated on "meeting a new person" because that may not happen. Any more than you could base your choice on "winning the lottery" after you leave. Now as it happens, if you read the stories of people who did take the leave option (and there's plenty of them in this group) many many of them have ended up in fulfilling relationships and greatly enhanced lives. But really, that is a completely separate issue, a stand alone issue by itself. If you do not see being single (and all the problems that go with that) as preferable to staying in your ILIASM deal (and all the problems that go with that) then it is very difficult to make any case to leave. But please - and for fucks sake - DO YOUR HOMEWORK on the leaving option and do it diligently and objectively and thoroughly. Start with seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction. You need quality information if you are going to make a fully informed choice.
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