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Post by csl on Nov 13, 2017 23:15:22 GMT -5
I do read back stories; I just don't remember them all. csl no worries! I can't hold them all either and I am still reading a few. Yes, my h is a Rabbi. Feel free to pm me if you have questions! Hey, wait a minute!!! Rabbi? That meaneth a ketubah, right? What about his promises in the ketubah? Or did he edit that out?
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Post by workingonit on Nov 14, 2017 11:50:41 GMT -5
UPDATE: So the revelations continue. My H really does seem to be changing and doing the hard work that he needs to understand why he is so ashamed/scared of sex and intimacy that he let it get to this place. He reported in therapy it is not lack of desire or low libido or asexuality. He says he masturbates daily and gets hard when he sees me change or gets a glimpse of me in the shower. Huh. He has been crippled by shame, insecurity and fear. Now he is willing to work on it. He is obsessed with improving himself and he is suddenly initiating talking about it all the time. Sex? No. However, this is because I told him that after so long of neglect and being ignored on this front I am no longer attracted to him and our touch is brotherly. He took that well and actually said, "Then I will have to woo you." He has been touching me more (anything would be more) - hugging, holding my hand, brushing my arm. He is trying to get my body used to him and, possibly, wanting him again. I actually appreciate this approach and the touch feels awkward but nice. I think if we just had sex after 8 years of celibacy it would suck and feel awkward and put the nail in the coffin of this marriage. This past weekend I went away ( baza for some zipcode therapy!) and got some clarity. I decided to be in this potential reset. My timeline has been 4.5 years anyway- waiting for my youngest to be 18, and our finances to shift which they will at that point. My exit strategy had been hoping we could live together and co-parent peacefully until that time ran out. In that scenario I would outsource (we would be officially separated, acting like roommates and co parents). But as he is willing to try and it does not make sense to leave now anyway I am willing to try one more time. Of course, my eyes are open. My core fear is that we are simply not sexually compatible- which 17 years of marriage seem to indicate. If that is the conclusion we/I come to I am glad it will come with the 2 of us both actually trying with honesty and openness and effort. It feels better than walking away without him ever reciprocating effort. And if we succeed? If we magically become compatible and have a loving, passionate, nurturing sex life? Win win!
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 14, 2017 13:11:52 GMT -5
♡♡♡♡♡ ^^^^^
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Post by h on Nov 15, 2017 8:17:27 GMT -5
Congratulations workingonit and I hope you work it out. It's good to see that you're going into it with realistic expectations also. Eyes wide open.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 15, 2017 8:38:37 GMT -5
Well,..looks good on paper jenn. Of coarse the real test is going forward to see if it stands the test of time. \One positive aspect is that your H seems to be manning up and coming clean about his role in the decline of the relationship. And he appears(appears mind you)to be willing to put in some work to get his head right, and you seem at least approachable to the idea that the chemistry could be rekindled. Again the real test will be if it stands the test of time or do things regress to the status quo. Good luck going forward, the team is rooting for you.
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 15, 2017 8:46:41 GMT -5
Keep those eyes WIDE OPEN, dear. He's a clever man and smart as can be. He's clearly concerned about his career and his image. It's less clear where you fit into that. Be alert for slowed progress that is somehow your fault.
People don't suddenly "discover" they have issues with sexuality. They just reach a point where they are willing (desperate enough) to discuss it. That means he entered the marriage knowing he could not do his duty. For a rabbi that's a big deal.
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Post by james on Nov 15, 2017 16:57:19 GMT -5
I have had a bad sex life for 17 years with no sex for 8 years and no affection, kissing and holding for 3 years. Over the last three years I have tried countless times to engage my husband in this work and he's ignored me.I have cried myself to sleep countless times.
Jenm when I read what you wrote above and then what you have written more recently- well, I really wonder what could have brought about this huge change. I’m sorry but it does not seem credible. Of course we all want it to work out for you. Please be cautious in order to avoid disappointment. Hugs.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 15, 2017 19:15:26 GMT -5
I have had a bad sex life for 17 years with no sex for 8 years and no affection, kissing and holding for 3 years. Over the last three years I have tried countless times to engage my husband in this work and he's ignored me.I have cried myself to sleep countless times. Jenm when I read what you wrote above and then what you have written more recently- well, I really wonder what could have brought about this huge change. I’m sorry but it does not seem credible. Of course we all want it to work out for you. Please be cautious in order to avoid disappointment. Hugs. Thank you for the warning. He openly admits that the catalyst for change was me laying out my exit plan. He calls it an existential crisis. I believe him. The changes are harder to believe. One day at a time....
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 15, 2017 19:51:39 GMT -5
Please ,I know it's hard, I know there's guilt involved, but please, understand you have the right to say "you have zero credibility, the trust is gone, there's nothing left to give". Or " A little late don't ya think?".
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 15, 2017 20:31:42 GMT -5
The trouble when they throw the light switch and suddenly they're sexual again... 1) Seriously, you could have done this all along but you chose to let me writhe in agony instead? 2) How long before you just decide to turn it off again?
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Post by workingonit on Nov 15, 2017 21:35:46 GMT -5
The trouble when they throw the light switch and suddenly they're sexual again... 1) Seriously, you could have done this all along but you chose to let me writhe in agony instead? 2) How long before you just decide to turn it off again? I am absolutely struggling with #1 but I am also really struggling with 3) My desire for you is kind of dead.
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Post by james on Nov 16, 2017 3:50:02 GMT -5
I have had a bad sex life for 17 years with no sex for 8 years and no affection, kissing and holding for 3 years. Over the last three years I have tried countless times to engage my husband in this work and he's ignored me.I have cried myself to sleep countless times. Jenm when I read what you wrote above and then what you have written more recently- well, I really wonder what could have brought about this huge change. I’m sorry but it does not seem credible. Of course we all want it to work out for you. Please be cautious in order to avoid disappointment. Hugs. Thank you for the warning. He openly admits that the catalyst for change was me laying out my exit plan. He calls it an existential crisis. I believe him. The changes are harder to believe. One day at a time.... Dear Jenm, if the catalyst for change was your exit plan- well, it looks suspiciously to me like you are trying to coerce him into having sex with you. I recall you agreeing that this approach is coercion (see recent thread of that name). And as Northstarmum and others like to remind us, you cannot coerce, bully, threaten, plead with, inveigle or otherwise manipulate someone into wanting to have sex with you, although you might be able to get him or her to participate in the actual physical act (although not yet in your husband's case, it seems). Speaking with as much honesty as I can: I don't believe that your husband is capable of turning things around and I don't deep down actually want him to either. Because if he can do that for you, then it means that my wife can do it for me, and I just don't see how all of the hurt that of the last 10 years can be undone that easily. And I have had so many false dawns when I thought things had changed (latest in August of this year) that I would always be worried about reversion to type. This is really tough for you. If he appears genuine then clearly you do have to go with it, but in your position I wouldn't be jettisoning my exit plans just yet. Good luck and courage to you. Hugs.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 16, 2017 7:43:16 GMT -5
I don't see it as coersion. I see it as honesty. She has needs he is not meeting. He is making an effort to become the man she needs. She is being patient. In all honesty, I don't think he is going to be able to transform himself, but at least he is trying.
I know if my W had put in the same sort of effort, I would have been more patient.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2017 8:12:59 GMT -5
I don’t see it as coercion either. She is being honest. Still, no one can make another person feel passion for them. No one can even make themselves lust for a person they don’t feel that way about. One may be able to mKe oneself touch or even submit to sex with a person one doesn’t desire. But one can't make oneself enjoy trust act.
Think of an animal one would find disgusting to touch. Cockroach comes to my mind. Someone could force me to touch one but I would not enjoy it even if threatened with death.
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Post by james on Nov 16, 2017 9:04:48 GMT -5
Interesting distinction. I would say that if you have no intention of leaving and are trying ever trick in the book to get your partner to have sex with you, then it is coercion. But if you have every intention of leaving and are simply informing your partner of this intention, then that of course is honesty. So Jenm, I wonder, which is it?
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