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Post by WindSister on Aug 24, 2017 9:24:30 GMT -5
But if I "knew" that if I went through all the shit I did that the outcome would be meeting Ms enna, silly me would do it all again. It's all been worth it. ^^^ DITTO ^^^ I can't imagine life without my husband and the road to here had to be traveled to get to here. Now when I think of "what I would do differently" it is in the context of not letting sexlessness happen in THIS relationship. Which, I really don't think it could, but there's still always that little fear in the back of my mind and the need to keep things alive and well. In this relationship that doesn't take "hard work" but it still takes conscious effort (it's like that with all relationships).
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 24, 2017 12:07:12 GMT -5
Although this is an amusing exercise I believe h has the best response. No use thinking about it though. Nobody gets to go back and do life over.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2017 14:08:48 GMT -5
One thing - I would be a better me. Trying to be a better husband/father/son for everyone else has been exhausting and I've only recently let go of all that. So, I would do that differently and can do that going forward.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 24, 2017 14:33:36 GMT -5
Leave sooner, a lot sooner - like 25 years sooner
But I was young, naive and foolish
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 24, 2017 16:42:14 GMT -5
I don't think the majority of us "could" have done things differently. The whole shit show was an ongoing learning experience for me. I really believe that even if I hadn't met my dud, another of similar character would have found me and I would have gone through something similar anyway. The dysfunction in me attracted the dysfunction in him and until I could see and do something about my own insecurities and people pleasing tendencies I was always going to be trapped in a dysfunctional relationship. Simply put, it all led to me coming here which led to my self understanding which has led to me being able to leave and grow as a person. The upshot of this, hopefully, will be that I'll be healed and ready for a healthy relationship if and when that presents itself. And if it doesn't, well, fuck it. There's always good friends and casual sex! Focking BRILLIANT response EO. I love your voice in this. I love & resonate with the truth in your reply. Hell to the yeah: The dysfunction in me attracted the dysfunction in him I love think in a certain way, there really was no other way to be me & become me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 9:58:02 GMT -5
Yes, more communication, More work and efforts, We did the "Ignore the Pink Elephant in the Living Room" bit. We pretended there was no issue and the silence was mortal.
COMMUNICATE/ CONFRONT / WORK AT IT - We did not try hard enough and soon enough. Maybe it still would have failed.
It is like any thing - a little baby problem grows up into a monster problem whether it is a car, work, addiction, Anything. Ignoring and pretending there is not a problem growing.
So going forward - at least I have learned not to ignore things because of convenience.
An ounce of prevention truly is worth a pound of cure and in many cases much better.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 31, 2017 9:30:06 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit more about this.
You know those heavy emotions you had for the big romantic interest in your youth? I'd just gotten out of a situation where I had those, but the woman I was pursuing didn't, before I met my future housemate. The change to feeling more intellectually sober seemed like a good one at the time. I'm in no way saying our relationship was devoid of emotion. I thought there was plenty there, just not too much. In retrospect, I am now curious as to whether it was a sign that it was a mistake.
I would have researched more about what it takes to have a successful marriage. I thought commitment would be the important thing, but being committed and miserable is in no way successful.
It is a fact that we are all spending much more effort figuring out how to get out of the messes we made than we spent thinking as we were creating them.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2017 14:02:42 GMT -5
I've spent the whole summer wishing I could go back in time 35 years, knowing what I know now!
But for purposes of this discussion - what I would do differently with my refuser: I would ask some questions ahead of time, like:
"What will we do if one of us gets sick or develops some chronic problem?"
"What will we do if one of us or both of us starts feeling unhappy in the relationship?"
Since Mr. Kat and I were not legally married (just lived together for 10 years) I think for that reason, we didn't make any real plans about the future. All those "what-if" questions that nobody in love wants to think about.
Except that I do now have a better idea of how I want my future to look, how I want my life to look, than I did then. And I was always afraid that if I did anything that looked like planning or setting goals, that the man I was with would get commitment-phobia and run in the opposite direction.
Now, that doesn't concern me as much as it used to. I no longer like surprises, since so many of them have been unpleasant. If my need to prepare for the future (or at least to have some ideas about it) scares a man away - maybe the relationship wouldn't work anyway.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 1, 2017 14:10:35 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit more about this. You know those heavy emotions you had for the big romantic interest in your youth? I'd just gotten out of a situation where I had those, but the woman I was pursuing didn't, before I met my future housemate. The change to feeling more intellectually sober seemed like a good one at the time. I'm in no way saying our relationship was devoid of emotion. I thought there was plenty there, just not too much. In retrospect, I am now curious as to whether it was a sign that it was a mistake. I would have researched more about what it takes to have a successful marriage. I thought commitment would be the important thing, but being committed and miserable is in no way successful. It is a fact that we are all spending much more effort figuring out how to get out of the messes we made than we spent thinking as we were creating them. Scientifically speaking - as in analyzing Brain Chemistry. It is about Chemistry. The "Mad in Love" phase is literally fueled by Dopamine and then after 1 to 3 years it morphs into ATTACHMENT which is also dominated by a chemical OXYTOCIN. The Dr. Fischer says per their research "Romantic Love" is not just an emotion it is a complex DRIVE that runs right out of the "Brain Motor" and is the most powerful of all human drives. I would think then the "Chemistry" has to be there. It cannot be something "analyzed" and "agreed" on - It is so built into our DNA and Biochemistry. Well here is the link www.iliasm.org/thread/3685/infatuation-attachment-ultimate-prize
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 1, 2017 14:12:33 GMT -5
All I had to do was check a different box on that speeddating form "would you like to meet this person again?".
I paused before checking that "yes" box....I think about that pause a lot....
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 1, 2017 15:36:31 GMT -5
The problem with second guessing is that both you and your partners are completely different now. If you'd asked the right question, the partner may have replied in a way you would consider acceptable now. Or they may have replied in a way that now you'd find unacceptable, but the less experienced you would have thought was ok or was an answer that with love you could change.
We can't change the past but we can influence our future.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 1, 2017 16:10:59 GMT -5
solitarysoul, certainly, there must be another red flag that shot up between that check mark and the time you realized you were in a mess. northstarmom, that's why I'd want to take my fifty year old brain with me for any Mulligan shot at life's big decisions.
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Post by bran127 on Sept 1, 2017 23:42:15 GMT -5
The list is long! One thing is that I wish I would have been more direct and let him know (a long ass time ago) that this wasn't working for me. Instead, I accepted and blamed myself. Mental torture!! So much resentment builds and it is at times uncontrollable. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and fear and regret if I just spoke up for myself. That's really a bran127 problem I guess. That's what I realize now.
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Post by petrushka on Sept 2, 2017 8:12:24 GMT -5
I'd try to learn to say 'no' more often, and much sooner.
(Mal, one Aussie male chauvinist pig if I ever met one, to me: "Peter, you know what your problem is? You just can't say 'no' to women!" I'll give him this much, he was right about that, although it took me a few more years to cotton on.)
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Post by shamwow on Sept 3, 2017 11:32:20 GMT -5
I would have left before we had kids. Period. End of sentence.
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