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Post by merrygoround on Sept 3, 2017 16:01:27 GMT -5
If he had owned up sooner, told me the truth, then I would have left so much sooner - I wish for that so much. I wouldn't have moved to another country with him. I would be with my kids instead of without them. Everyday is like a knife twisting in my heart, the pain of missing them is killing me. And I despise him for it.
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Post by brian on Sept 3, 2017 16:12:32 GMT -5
I would just wish my roommate would have told me that sex wasn't an important part of a relationship for her.
Or maybe that I would have recognized the warning signs... there were many. From the day we moved her from Chicago to Pittsburgh, the sex pretty much died. I kept making excuses for it -- stress Form the move, then stress from planning a wedding at a remote location, being tired on our wedding night, being sunburned on the honeymoon, and on and on and on.
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Post by neonspace on Sept 3, 2017 17:18:41 GMT -5
Run!
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Post by brian on Sept 3, 2017 19:46:08 GMT -5
Lol... 21 years ago. I was young and naive. I was happy to get any sex, so when it was offered... kid #2. Then #3. Then #4. About 6 years of why chasing after that and I found EP. Since then I have learned so much about myself, my situation, and where I am going. I have seen my feelings about sex, marriage, and relationships change in ways that I never thought my mind would go. But here I am now, staying for the kids, actively looking for an AP (or two) and looking forward to the day my last kid heads off to college.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 3, 2017 23:26:50 GMT -5
If he had owned up sooner, told me the truth, then I would have left so much sooner - I wish for that so much. I wouldn't have moved to another country with him. I would be with my kids instead of without them. Everyday is like a knife twisting in my heart, the pain of missing them is killing me. And I despise him for it. merrygoround - I feel for you. As a recovering alcoholic, I feel obligated to point out a few suggestions based on your wording. Don't regret the past. Learn from, yes. But don't spend precious "now" regretting. And when you're able, try to use the anger productively but then LET IT GO as soon as possible. You may not have any substance abuse issues whatsoever but this is very close to phrases that I know got me into "worse" trouble with my drinking. I love our members here - each of us deserve a shot at happier life, but that goal can be moved if I focus too much on what I went through to get out, rather than focus on what I am doing now to make now different. (I know it was the point of the OP, but I just felt like I had to say this. Maybe *I* am the person that I need to hear it, really.) I hope you will get to nearer to your kids again in near future.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 4, 2017 10:54:45 GMT -5
I would have confronted the vile, destructive, contemptuous anger toward me that spewed from her every time she got drunk. The core of her being - and all the things she was thinking but not saying.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 19:03:39 GMT -5
if I cant say that I would not get married, then I would say that I would have left when she had an affair.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 25, 2017 22:14:31 GMT -5
I would of confronted and addressed foul behaviour much sooner and enforced some real consequences.
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Post by rejected101 on Sept 26, 2017 3:27:10 GMT -5
Its very easy for me to say this but....I would have forced the conversation to happen in depth before I committed my life to W. if she wasn't on the same hymn sheet as me and no amount of sex therapy/counselling could change the situation, I would have have shaken her hand, said thanks for trying but we are different people and moved on. However, reality is always different to 'if I could go back in time and change things'. For one, if I did the above my children would not exist. Sure I would have had children but they wouldn't be the children I have today. They have their own unique little character and with another woman they would not be the same and that is simply incomprehensible to me. Equally I wouldn't have become the stronger man I am today (the one who is willing to put the cards on the table, or stand up for myself). So whilst it's easy for me to say I would have forced the talk that led to our separation, in truth I am pleased that I didn't.
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Post by Caris on Sept 26, 2017 8:18:23 GMT -5
"I don't believe in "ifs" anymore." That's a song by Roger Whittaker. It was playing in a clothes store as I shopped for black (mourning) clothes after the death of my soulmate. Before entering that store, my thoughts had been full of "what if I'd done this, or not done that, would he still be alive?" I played different scenarios in my mind, torturing myself with "what ifs." I walked in that store, and heard the words of that song, and from that moment, I've never believed in ifs anymore.
That was almost 40-years ago, and sometimes I do want to kick myself, wishing I'd done things differently in my life, but no one can know the effects of different choices, unless they actually lived those choices, so those words guide me to just leave it alone.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 26, 2017 10:55:03 GMT -5
"Ifs" create great stories. If I'd reconnected with my first lover, perhaps she'd still be alive, we'd have had plenty of incredible adventurous experiences, such a vibrant sex life that I'd have no idea what the internet was, and during our arguments we'd have tangential rages about who gave who syphilis. Who knows. It's all fictional now except the characters involved.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 26, 2017 14:40:39 GMT -5
I think that I'd have a longer engagement period and talk more before we got married. I'd want to know more about his childhood. Talk to his ex-wife, his mom, dad, etc.
Or I'd have my dad or another man, do the investigation for me lols.
My marriage is arranged, and even for arranged marriages, most modern day arranged marriages aren't arranged as strictly as mines was.
So I'd do more talking. Maybe more red flags would show up.
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Post by JMX on Sept 27, 2017 22:42:05 GMT -5
I would of confronted and addressed foul behaviour much sooner and enforced some real consequences. How are you now, lovie? Missed you!
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 12, 2017 19:49:32 GMT -5
I would of confronted and addressed foul behaviour much sooner and enforced some real consequences. How are you now, lovie? Missed you! Im well thanks. Kids and work are keeping me occupied. Basically live my own life and spend little time with wife. How are you? Ive missed your sharp wit but have been reading up and catching up here.
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Post by TMD on Oct 13, 2017 0:22:53 GMT -5
I would have left before we had kids. Period. End of sentence. Me too, shamwow
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