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Post by TMD on Oct 13, 2017 0:29:24 GMT -5
The point of this thread was to explore what we have learned and what we might have changed back then if we were who we are today.
Lol. You all get that, right?
I had a great convo with my sister today about growth and how even the shitty times make us better people. I like who I am now. And I like who I was then. Even if sometimes I’d like to smack that younger me upside the head. Seriously, what was I thinking?! ;-)
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 7:08:22 GMT -5
I wouldn't have settled. I t seems like settling for the weight gain, and settling for her choice to be a stay at home mom, and finally settling for no sex. If I could do it over I would've said no I wouldn't love you if you were fat( I actually don't care, but it would've made her care) no you need a job or volunteer work to stay busy and active, and I don't care about your excuse I'm your husband unless you want to go find a new one, than I need intamacy. But I folded, now she knows all the things to say and do. Headache, stomach ache,too tired, maybe tomorrow, and so on and so forth, but since I've been settling for those responses for so long it's likely the cycle will never be broken.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2017 7:18:43 GMT -5
"but since I've been settling for those responses for so long it's likely the cycle will never be broken.@
You can choose otherwise than continuing to stay with someone who is lazy, unappealing, boring and shuns sex. People here have left relationships that were decades long. You could choose that path. Therapy, journaling, getting inspiration here could help. Or you can continue to just wallow in misery.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 11:58:25 GMT -5
I'm sticking around for the kids, I'm 32, in excellent shape, good job, don't see that changing, so about 5-6 years more, then me and the kids will leave. I'm going to continue to better myself, and I'll still be under 40, so prospects of late 20s early 30s professional women that have their shit together is very appealing.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2017 12:54:39 GMT -5
Are you aware that in some states, being married 10 years or more can entitle a spouse to alimony?
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 13:42:20 GMT -5
I'll cross that bridge, I am not worried about it honestly. She has things to loose also so I know the buttons to push, to prevent me from having to pay anything extra.
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 7:49:08 GMT -5
If I could go back, there are a lot of things I'd do differently and better, so long as I could take my fifty year old experience with me. But, from the context of the relationship, I'd not have been so passive and understanding. When things shut down, I'd have been firm and supportive. I'd have given her what resources I could to help her fix her issues with the understanding that by xx date I expected xx results or I was done. And that's it - right there - like the biblical beam in the eye. Do I hold my wife accountable for this? Yes. Do I hold myself accountable for this? Yes and verily.
There is no real *moment* that I could change, that would magically undo what's been done. Each errant step from the beginning of our relationship till now (some mine, some hers) now form a stack of shit that seems to reach into the sky.
Jumping back in time with my fifty three years of experience would be the only way to undo this sorry fucking mess.
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 7:53:37 GMT -5
One thing - I would be a better me. Trying to be a better husband/father/son for everyone else has been exhausting and I've only recently let go of all that. So, I would do that differently and can do that going forward. ..Working on that too. I have a lot of drive-time in my current job and use it to listen to audio books and reflect. I fully recognize this won't fix anything but, as you say, going forward..
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 8:02:56 GMT -5
I would have confronted the vile, destructive, contemptuous anger toward me that spewed from her every time she got drunk. The core of her being - and all the things she was thinking but not saying. Ditto that, but in my case I need to replace "her" with "we." Problem now, is that she seems only to remember what I said. For example "I could leave and go out and get another man the same day," to which I replied in kind - like a dumbass. In the "marital history books," only my response has been recorded.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 14, 2017 9:36:47 GMT -5
My one thing would have been to break up with my W, at the time gf. We had a fight over something, I should have had the balls to break it off right there an then.
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Post by h on Oct 14, 2017 11:47:28 GMT -5
My one thing would have been to break up with my W, at the time gf. We had a fight over something, I should have had the balls to break it off right there an then. If only we all had done the same...
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Post by carl on Oct 18, 2017 21:11:00 GMT -5
I would have tried to find out more about my wife first, other than that she was pretty and wanted to marry me. But I was young and wasn’t the type to judge or question people, if I was she wouldn’t have bothered with me and we had fun but I would have tried figure her out more especially her sex drive. Then I would have walked away I guess ? but it is hard to say or to regret ones past but yeah I think I would have walked.
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Post by carl on Oct 18, 2017 21:25:33 GMT -5
I would have left before we had kids. Period. End of sentence. Me too, shamwowI know what you are saying and the same applies to me but it doesn’t make sense because can you regret meeting the father or mother of your children ?
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 19, 2017 4:46:19 GMT -5
It makes sense to me. I love my kids, but the futures are unforseen. Perhaps I'd have had more kids with the same great attributes with a compatible partner.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 19, 2017 7:59:24 GMT -5
I would have left before we had kids. Period. End of sentence. Me too, shamwowMe too shamwow
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