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Post by TMD on Aug 23, 2017 22:13:14 GMT -5
I talked about this on another thread, and now I'm curious about the rest of us/you...
*** If you could go back in time and do one thing differently in your partnership, marriage, what would you do and why? Would you expect a certain outcome, or not? ***
I would force difficult conversation with my roommate because after 20 years, there has been NO resolution to the SM. He avoids talking about tough stuff at all costs and nowadays gives me the frozen, deer in headlights look whenever I address something he finds discomforting (like divorce). I feel the outcome would likely have been a much shorter marriage, without the affair (not that I regret having an AP. I don't. But I am weary of the facade and would rather talk and move forward, as compared to not making any progress... in 20 years).
And I'd have the badge, "I talked to my spouse about our SM and survived to tell the tale."
Yay.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 23, 2017 22:27:16 GMT -5
This is me too. I tried difficult conversations, through different years. They usually went deeper than "shallow" & resulted in turn-around behavior for a temporary period. Until the last time (cancer diagnosis & treatment). But I would have talked earlier, longer, more gut-wrenching sooner in the process. From reading old journals, this would have resulted in about 10 yrs less marriage. I can't regret it, really. I didn't have the emotional skills then that I found 10 yrs later. I didn't have EP back then. So - I'm convinced I did the best that I had tools for. But yeah, hindsight & all. I would have hidden less of me.
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Post by baza on Aug 23, 2017 22:32:48 GMT -5
I saw your comment on that other thread Sister TMD , and thought to myself "yep". Like you, if I had a "do-over" I would most assuredly have had that talk with my missus real early on, and let the cards fall where they may. Had I done that, I think the probable outcome would have been the end of the relationship back then. That would of course have had unknowable consequences as my (and her) lives took off in vastly different directions. I may have got hit by a Mack truck in 1980. I may have achieved my then lifes ambition (of marrying a nymphomaniac who owned a brewery !) My kids would not exist. I might now be fabulously rich - or on the bones of my arse ! I might have been really happy now, or a real sad-sack. Unknowable. But if I "knew" that if I went through all the shit I did that the outcome would be meeting Ms enna, silly me would do it all again. It's all been worth it.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 23, 2017 22:53:58 GMT -5
"But if I "knew" that if I went through all the shit I did that the outcome would be meeting Ms enna, silly me would do it all again. It's all been worth it."
I feel the same way about my post SM guy.
And, truth is, I just was not ready to divorce until I did. I had to grow into my authentic self, including being able to live without being partnered and being a person totally comfortable with having an active sex life.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 23, 2017 23:16:32 GMT -5
Reminds me of a line from an old movie "When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you." What would I have done differently? I would love to say "not a dam thing". Truth is though, nothing specific except kiss more, cry more, laugh more, smile more, and love more. Not held back. I still have time. But if I "knew" that if I went through all the shit I did that the outcome would be meeting Ms enna, silly me would do it all again. It's all been worth it.
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Post by TMD on Aug 23, 2017 23:39:33 GMT -5
This is me too. I tried difficult conversations, through different years. They usually went deeper than "shallow" & resulted in turn-around behavior for a temporary period. Until the last time (cancer diagnosis & treatment). But I would have talked earlier, longer, more gut-wrenching sooner in the process. From reading old journals, this would have resulted in about 10 yrs less marriage. I can't regret it, really. I didn't have the emotional skills then that I found 10 yrs later. I didn't have EP back then. So - I'm convinced I did the best that I had tools for. But yeah, hindsight & all. I would have hidden less of me. "Hidden less me." Powerful words, @geekgoddess No regrets for me either. I like the me I am today -- built of all of life's experiences. Communication has always been very important to me, but only recently am I seeing how I can do much better at it. Did you read that article re: Brene Brown on, "the story I'm making up?"
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Post by TMD on Aug 23, 2017 23:42:39 GMT -5
Major concensus thus far is less "doing it differently," and more, "no regrets."
I don't regret either. I like the person I am, I have incredible children, I've grown, etc.
But I still wish I could have that convo with him.
Starting to resemble, "why chasing," in some regards... trying to create understanding where there may never be.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 24, 2017 1:55:16 GMT -5
I don't think the majority of us "could" have done things differently. The whole shit show was an ongoing learning experience for me.
I really believe that even if I hadn't met my dud, another of similar character would have found me and I would have gone through something similar anyway. The dysfunction in me attracted the dysfunction in him and until I could see and do something about my own insecurities and people pleasing tendencies I was always going to be trapped in a dysfunctional relationship.
Simply put, it all led to me coming here which led to my self understanding which has led to me being able to leave and grow as a person.
The upshot of this, hopefully, will be that I'll be healed and ready for a healthy relationship if and when that presents itself. And if it doesn't, well, fuck it. There's always good friends and casual sex!
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Post by h on Aug 24, 2017 4:46:40 GMT -5
I would have voiced my expectations for sex clearly and adamantly BEFORE the wedding. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say. I was a young, ignorant fool when I got married. I didn't know any better. I didn't have anyone to tell me that I would have to talk about this before marriage. There was nobody in my life that would tell me it was important. I was so ignorant and uninformed that I didn't even realize HOW ignorant and uninformed I was.
If I had the chance for a do over, knowing what I know now, I would have made my expectations for a sex life obnoxiously clear before the wedding. The W would likely not have married me if I had. No use thinking about it though. Nobody gets to go back and do life over.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 24, 2017 5:33:41 GMT -5
I would have advocated for myself better. Laid my cards on the table and been more of a bitch in his eyes but really it's just communication. I don't think it would change anything, if he wanted to fuck me he would have. But at least I would have been more aggressive. I wish I would have made him go to counseling, instead of ask, and threaten divorce sooner.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 24, 2017 7:10:47 GMT -5
If I could go back, there are a lot of things I'd do differently and better, so long as I could take my fifty year old experience with me. But, from the context of the relationship, I'd not have been so passive and understanding. When things shut down, I'd have been firm and supportive. I'd have given her what resources I could to help her fix her issues with the understanding that by xx date I expected xx results or I was done.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 24, 2017 7:37:18 GMT -5
In hindsight I don't think I would have married my refuser. Prior to the marriage she was quite willing and adventurous between the sheets. She initiated often. After the marriage not so much. I don't think it was a bait and switch. We dated/engaged for 17 or 18 yrs. And when the intimacy slowed I would have been more proactive in fixing myself. But after the marriage she pretty much stopped initiating . It was like OK we're married now so this wild single woman stuff can go away. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing that ended yup going away.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 24, 2017 8:58:08 GMT -5
Here's my dilemma. My wife is who she is, I don't think any amount of intervention on my part in the past would change who she is or her opinions about sex now. I cannot say that I would want to go back and decide not to have ever married her either because I love my kids so much. Sure, you could say that I could have kids with someone else, but since we are going back in time here I already know about my kids. I could not go back in time and make decisions that I know would lead to them never being born. So I guess I would say that I wouldn't change anything or I don't know what I would change.
I have plenty of other mistakes that I would choose to correct if I could go back and do things over.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2017 9:10:47 GMT -5
I would never have married the cruel abusive bitch.
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Post by iceman on Aug 24, 2017 9:16:10 GMT -5
I wouldn't have married my wife in the first place. That's hard for me to say because then I wouldn't have our kids and I can't imagine not having them. But if I take them out of the equation I wouldn't have married her. I knew it was wrong when I did it but forged ahead thinking we'd find a way to make it work. What an idiot I was .... 🙁
Now assuming I did marry her I would have been much more assertive about my expectations and needs when it comes to sex. I was far too passive and the situation became the norm. Actually, I could see it coming even before we married and did nothing. Again, what an idiot I was .... 🙁
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