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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 9, 2017 6:50:56 GMT -5
@dan do not fear, I binned the pills after a month I think it was. They were no good for me and I didn't want them in the first place. So the session was honestly a waste of time for me. It was mainly focussing on the difference between hypothetical worries v's real worries that you can do something about. This sounds mean, but it's an accurate reflection of what happened, it was literally a room full of older women, who had so much time on their hands (supported by working husbands) that they filled their own heads with things like "my husband is 5 minutes late. He's either dead or shagging someone" I wanted to say that it must me nice to have the luxury of enough time on your hands to make up silly scenarios. But I was well outnumbered haha. So I just shut up and listened in awe. All I could think about was how much work I could have been doing! My worries are usually concerned with how the fuck am I going to get through this ridiculously long to-do list today without any assistance! Next week is good Friday so it's 2 weeks til next session. And a final one the following week. They are going to focus on techniques to help when the anxious feelings of worry arise... so that actually may be useful. I have I complete this in order to get through to some proper counselling one on one. I had a properly shitty week this week after an incident last weekend with the man. I don't want to go into details, but let me just briefly let you all know where I'm at. I removed my ring a few weeks ago. This has led to him allegedly Stopping his prescription painkillers, and he "quit" Weed but has since bought 2 small bags compared to bags every 3 days. He went out drinking with a friend (he hasn't done this for years) and when I picked him up he wasn't only drunk as a skunk but also coked off his face. This led to a rather long and unpleasant sex session at his demand. I was not allowed to go to sleep Until he had done what he wanted to do. And I went along with it honestly for fear of what he would do if i didn't I don't want to discuss it any further other than to say I know I have to get out. And to do that I need to get my strength from counselling. I will keep you all updated. Love EO x Take care and courage. Wow - as a former active drunkie and "other substances" - he may have a problem. You will know better than me. How far are you in an exit plan? Sounds like a decision is made to leave - so then it is ALL in the PREPARATION and PLANNING before Action . . . I just signed a lease a week ago and I am in the middle of moving. PILLS - I aint no doctor, so I will not give any advice other than for myself - I am very very cautious - one of my best friends is psychiatrist and the "cure" is usually prescription meds. He has offered - I always say no - but that is just me - I have no idea how you are. Just sharing my own personal experience for its three cents worth.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 9, 2017 6:55:46 GMT -5
Taking on the disrespectful tone of a spouse for yourself is an easy trap to fall in to. Trouble is, it legitimises the situation, re-affirms it, and makes you complicit in your own demise as an individual. It is a habit to be avoided, or stopped. Very well said bazaTHE "BAD GUY" - Since as long as I can remember - I am the "bad guy" - I am always the one who is inadequate and a disappointment. I aint no Saint but if I could have recorded all the times - it is exclusively "My Fault" and how I am the one who is horrible - Well I would need a few gigabytes of recording space.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 9, 2017 7:28:02 GMT -5
eternaloptimism I am very sorry your stbx is a piece of crap. You deserve so much better. You are on your way getting out of there, every day you are closer to freedom. Stay strong! If you'd ever like to be away for a weekend or so, you are most welcome to stay with me. X
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 9, 2017 8:23:42 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - I am so sorry to hear that the sex you finally got to have was coerced/forced (yes it IS rape, IMO). I hate that you felt that giving in to him was easier than being true to yourself. I'm sorry that he didn't get picked up while he had coke on him. I'm just so sad that you don't feel like you have valid options to make your life better. The conversation over what you can & cant change is an important one, but it sucks you still have to wait a few weeks before one on one counseling. I second the strong advice of: protect yourself. Please, please DO take care & keep updating here. I worry about his erratic behavior & your safety. You deserve so much better than this piece of crap in your life.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 10:10:23 GMT -5
eternaloptimism I completely agree with @dan and @geekgoodess. He raped you. I was raped last fall and felt all the shame of it the following day - and I was drunk off my ass. Filed a police report, saw an attorney, and got nothing out of it. I have also been in one on one therapy since 2014. you can see a couple of my EP posts on my website :https://sexlessmarriage.support/category/flashback-friday/ I plan to post regularly my journey from 2014, 2015 and beyond. I am seeing my counselor and also a psychiatrist for medication. My experience has been great with medication. I was coming across bitchy as hell when I wasn't on one of them and I realize that now. I would say something and i my head sounded perfectly normal, but my tone apparently rang a much different tune to those around me. My "highs" are still great too! I've started my website and I am enjoying life. Orgasms are still amazing and I've learned I am a provocative and nurturing woman. Now - figuring out meds is difficult. It can take a while so please be open to experimenting with your doc's to find the right combination. Sorry to hear about the worry workshop. I kinda wish you shocked them with your story of picking up your drunk and coked out man to make sure he came home safe, only to have him rape you, after refusing to be intimate in xx months/years. That turns it into a REAL workshop on worrying, and not some bs that these ladies need therapy for to figure out why they have these feelings. It's more about them than their spouses. One on one I believe will serve you best. Find the right person - and be picky. I got lucky and clicked with my therapist right away, but if you don't feel like you are getting what you need - MOVE ON! May take a couple of sessions, but don't waste months with someone who isn't helping you. My therapist is awesome. I talk, and she gives her opinion or says "I want you to think about this". There were no ah-ha moments in the session - but the next day and over the course of the next week, it all came out. I would write to her what I realized/discovered and she would respond with guidance if necessary or the needed push to move forward. Finding the right person for you is so important. If you can start that search now, before your worry workshop is over, might be helpful. I'm new here (a 2014-2016 EP vet) so I'm nt sure where you live or what type of health care system you have, but never stop looking to take care of yourself. I'm so proud of you for taking this step!!!! I am soooo sorry it took so long to get you into the workshop, and I hope things move faster in helping you find a one on one therapist. (((HUGS))) P.S. - this is EXACTLY the kind of situation I want on my website. I want to bring in professionals that can help you and others living in this situation. I want to do a Q&A session, and I may ask my therapist if we can do it sooner rather than later. Everyone here deserves to feel loved, admired, and desired! xoxoxoxo!
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Post by unmatched on Apr 9, 2017 17:54:56 GMT -5
EO, I am so sorry. I can't wait for you to get out of there. It is really hard to build up your confidence and strength when you live with a complete c**t who is draining you dry every day. If you were able to take some kind of halfway step - maybe pack up the kids and go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks, or house sit for somebody - the extra space and distance might go a long way to helping you find yourself again. Or take some time off and come overseas!
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Post by lyn on Apr 9, 2017 18:33:57 GMT -5
What a bastard. This idiot should be in jail already. If he's NOT going anywhere, eternaloptimism, please try to leave (family, friends, anywhere!) - it's clear that you're just not safe! Please protect yourself - you are far too amazing for this sh*t.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 9, 2017 18:34:13 GMT -5
EO, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Please know that I'm sending you cyber strength and energy and prayers that you can exit this situation soon. Any chance of switching out a bag of coke for arsenic? Stay strong and I agree with unmatched with seeking help from your mom or a friend. Not sure when your lease is up but maybe not renewing it may give you the extra push you need to move away from him. Big hugs honey xoxo
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 9, 2017 19:06:44 GMT -5
EO, there aren't words sufficient enough for this crime. However, it is a CRIME. Please take whatever action you need to do to stay safe. Your safety is the primary concern. Abusers do not stop!
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Post by baza on Apr 9, 2017 19:20:10 GMT -5
Specific legal advice, do-able exit strategy, intact support network, strategy to help the kids transition.
All good things to have in your pocket for when a trigger point occurs.
Probably Sister EO, the most recent trigger point has been missed, so the task is to get prepared for "the next" trigger point (or trigger point of your own design and timing).
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Post by unmatched on Apr 9, 2017 19:27:37 GMT -5
EO, I have been thinking about you a lot this morning - it just keeps going round and round in my head. And you know what I think of your husband, I am not letting him off the hook in any way. But you have to stop doing this to yourself. It is like watching somebody smack their head against a wall, and desperately hoping they aren't going to do themselves permanent damage. You don't need counselling, you don't need anything - you have so much strength already. You just need to get out so you can see straight again. Make it 'temporary', sneak out in the middle of the night if you have to, whatever. But don't put yourself through anything like that again. Please???
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Post by petrushka on Apr 9, 2017 19:27:52 GMT -5
Taking on the disrespectful tone of a spouse for yourself is an easy trap to fall in to. Trouble is, it legitimises the situation, re-affirms it, and makes you complicit in your own demise as an individual. It is a habit to be avoided, or stopped. And isn't that the truth! It is the place I was at when I blew into EP first, back in '09. My wife's way of dealing/ interacting was pre-emptive accusations of abuse. She was constantly playing that card. I'd try to do something (nice) for her, she'd dodge that, then accuse me of shouting at her, putting her down, displaying anger (my displaying anger is: I go white around the nose and stop talking, b.t.w. - I do NOT have an angry, loud voice). So, anyway - - - After landing in EP I got wise to passive aggressive behaviour, something that was not discussed at the time I studied psychology, and I got to prepare notes with so many other people on EP and I could draw the connections with how her father had treated her, and how she grew up. Which was exactly how she treated me. I did not buy into it from that point on. I started requesting feedback, mostly from HER friends if I'd been behaving inappropriately when she went off in a huff, yet again, and got confirmation that "she's on a hair trigger, isn't she?" "There was absolutely nothing to complain about" etc etc. At that point I had started to question my own sanity, seriously, it can go that far. And it stopped at that point. I "stopped playing" the p-a game, letting her guilt me into cowering and feeling like dog-shit on someone's shoe. I found that that, her behaviour no longer bringing the expected result (I hate to say reward) in itself stopped a lot of the emotional abuse. I then sat her down and not only put the kibosh on the p-a behaviour (hey, she really did not realize what she was doing --- but, on the other hand, you can't just wash the spots out of the leopard) .. I also told her in no uncertain tems that the relationship was not meeting my wants or my needs and ... well , I've told this many times before, but she pulled up her socks and changed her behaviour towards me. So yes, not just taking it all the time has yielded huge rewards for me. Just demonstrates that getting feedback, soliciting feedback, and comparing notes can help HUGELY with breaking out of that complicity in undermining your sanity and integrity. DON'T BE COMPLICIT in your being abused!
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Post by petrushka on Apr 9, 2017 19:40:27 GMT -5
eternaloptimism What you're telling us here about your "mate's" behaviour goes way way beyond the vibe of a sad sack loser who just lives for not doing anything, smoking dope and lying blotto on the couch, letting you carry the load. It sounds like he's realized that things may be changing, and now he's floundering, but instead of making a positive effort, he goes further into his antisocial space and hits drugs again ... that "coked up" would really worry me in your place. Coke is not an aide to sane behaviour and constructive problem solving. It makes people acutely dangerous; to themselves and to others. If he pulls this kind of shit, you maybe should consider kicking your anxieties in the goolies and get out of Ground Zero before the bombs land on your head. I mean, seriously. This is no longer a case of a stoner lying on the couch "I can't be bothered to get my arse off this bolster and do anything - it's all just too hard". Both alcohol and coke have {violence} disinhibiting properties. Both make people lose whatever moral compass they have {left}. Only thing worse in that respect is methamphetamine.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 9, 2017 19:47:41 GMT -5
Yardstick for a good therapist: do they ask you questions that make you quite uncomfortable trying to come up with an answer for, or even to think about, at times.
Pity party 'counselors' and the ones who don't even hear what you are telling them and try to steer the conversation into areas that are just not on topic are not worth their salt.
Just saying.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2017 20:46:33 GMT -5
EO - I will keep this short. Your man sounds dangerous. PLEASE find a place you could go on short notice and keep some things packed.
Once things start going in this direction, they almost never get better.
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