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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 7:38:19 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your support and advice here guys. I'm struggling time wise but will reply properly later on. I'm really glad I have you all here Xxx
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 10, 2017 8:10:03 GMT -5
OMG, EO! That sounds awful! In fact, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like rape. I know you feel you just have to tough it out with your H's actions, but don't be some sort of martyr. Part of me wants to say "report him immediately; if you can't get him removed from the household, for your safety you have to go". The other part of me senses you might be thinking of it this way: "it is already hard enough to figure out how I'm going to split with him, and very hard living with him until I do. Starting any sort of legal proceedings will just make everything worse." (OK: you can tell me if I'm wrong.) Please, please protect yourself. Financially, emotionally, physically. I wish we -- your ILIASM family -- could be there to help you out, even take you in. eternaloptimism This is horrible! @dan is right - your H is abusive and controlling. Rape is assault and battery - what will his next level of abuse be? Who will be his next target? What is his behavior with the kids? Sweetie, this guy is all kinds of fucked up and it will not stop. Do what ever you need to do to get out. But, get out!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:05:14 GMT -5
@dan do not fear, I binned the pills after a month I think it was. They were no good for me and I didn't want them in the first place. So the session wahonestly a waste of time for me. It was mainly focussing on the difference between hypothetical worries v's real worries that you can do something about. This sounds mean, but it's an accurate reflection of what happened, it was literally a room full of older women, who had so much time on their hands (supported by working husbands) that they filled their own heads with things like "my husband is 5 minutes late. He's either dead or shagging someone" I wanted to say that it must me nice to have the luxury of enough time on your hands to make up silly scenarios. But I was well outnumbered haha. So I just shut up and listened in awe. All I could think about was how much work I could have been doing! My worries are usually concerned with how the fuck am I going to get through this ridiculously long to-do list today without any assistance! Next week is good Friday so it's 2 weeks til next session. And a final one the following week. They are going to focus on techniques to help when the anxious feelings of worry arise... so that actually may be useful. I have I complete this in order to get through to some proper counselling one on one. I had a properly shitty week this week after an incident last weekend with the man. I don't want to go into details, but let me just briefly let you all know where I'm at. I removed my ring a few weeks ago. This has led to him allegedly Stopping his prescription painkillers, and he "quit" Weed but has since bought 2 small bags compared to bags every 3 days. He went out drinking with a friend (he hasn't done this for years) and when I picked him up he wasn't only drunk as a skunk but also coked off his face. This led to a rather long and unpleasant sex session at his demand. I was not allowed to go to sleep Until he had done what he wanted to do. And I went along with it honestly for fear of what he would do if i didn't I don't want to discuss it any further other than to say I know I have to get out. And to do that I need to get my strength from counselling. I will keep you all updated. Love EO x Take care and courage. Wow - as a former active drunkie and "other substances" - he may have a problem. You will know better than me. How far are you in an exit plan? Sounds like a decision is made to leave - so then it is ALL in the PREPARATION and PLANNING before Action . . . I just signed a lease a week ago and I am in the middle of moving. PILLS - I aint no doctor, so I will not give any advice other than for myself - I am very very cautious - one of my best friends is psychiatrist and the "cure" is usually prescription meds. He has offered - I always say no - but that is just me - I have no idea how you are. Just sharing my own personal experience for its three cents worth. Thanks mc roomy he's always addicted to something. Wether that's booze, gambling, drugs, candy frigging crush! He he has given himself permission to be an addict because he had a difficult childhood. Coming here made made me realise it's not my job to fix him. He knows I'm done. I've told him. But he's avoided any conversation about it since in the hope I'll crawl back into my good girl hole and shut up. The next step for me is striking up the conversation again. Its difficult to do with work and kids. But it has to be done. Im not at all precious about houses or belongings so for me it will be whatever is the quickest way to separate once we have the convo again. Id be happy with a shoe box as long as he wasn't in it:) i have my mother round the corner prepped for me and the kids to land there whenever so that's not really an issue. Just working up to it!!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:08:14 GMT -5
eternaloptimism I am very sorry your stbx is a piece of crap. You deserve so much better. You are on your way getting out of there, every day you are closer to freedom. Stay strong! If you'd ever like to be away for a weekend or so, you are most welcome to stay with me. X Kisses and hugs T xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:10:42 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - I am so sorry to hear that the sex you finally got to have was coerced/forced (yes it IS rape, IMO). I hate that you felt that giving in to him was easier than being true to yourself. I'm sorry that he didn't get picked up while he had coke on him. I'm just so sad that you don't feel like you have valid options to make your life better. The conversation over what you can & cant change is an important one, but it sucks you still have to wait a few weeks before one on one counseling. I second the strong advice of: protect yourself. Please, please DO take care & keep updating here. I worry about his erratic behavior & your safety. You deserve so much better than this piece of crap in your life. Thanks GG. The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm actually a bit thick. I would be giving the exact same words of advice to someone too. Somehow though I just can't get my head around it for myself. Annoying isn't it! Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:17:41 GMT -5
eternaloptimism I completely agree with @dan and @geekgoodess. He raped you. I was raped last fall and felt all the shame of it the following day - and I was drunk off my ass. Filed a police report, saw an attorney, and got nothing out of it. I have also been in one on one therapy since 2014. you can see a couple of my EP posts on my website :https://sexlessmarriage.support/category/flashback-friday/ I plan to post regularly my journey from 2014, 2015 and beyond. I am seeing my counselor and also a psychiatrist for medication. My experience has been great with medication. I was coming across bitchy as hell when I wasn't on one of them and I realize that now. I would say something and i my head sounded perfectly normal, but my tone apparently rang a much different tune to those around me. My "highs" are still great too! I've started my website and I am enjoying life. Orgasms are still amazing and I've learned I am a provocative and nurturing woman. Now - figuring out meds is difficult. It can take a while so please be open to experimenting with your doc's to find the right combination. Sorry to hear about the worry workshop. I kinda wish you shocked them with your story of picking up your drunk and coked out man to make sure he came home safe, only to have him rape you, after refusing to be intimate in xx months/years. That turns it into a REAL workshop on worrying, and not some bs that these ladies need therapy for to figure out why they have these feelings. It's more about them than their spouses. One on one I believe will serve you best. Find the right person - and be picky. I got lucky and clicked with my therapist right away, but if you don't feel like you are getting what you need - MOVE ON! May take a couple of sessions, but don't waste months with someone who isn't helping you. My therapist is awesome. I talk, and she gives her opinion or says "I want you to think about this". There were no ah-ha moments in the session - but the next day and over the course of the next week, it all came out. I would write to her what I realized/discovered and she would respond with guidance if necessary or the needed push to move forward. Finding the right person for you is so important. If you can start that search now, before your worry workshop is over, might be helpful. I'm new here (a 2014-2016 EP vet) so I'm nt sure where you live or what type of health care system you have, but never stop looking to take care of yourself. I'm so proud of you for taking this step!!!! I am soooo sorry it took so long to get you into the workshop, and I hope things move faster in helping you find a one on one therapist. (((HUGS))) P.S. - this is EXACTLY the kind of situation I want on my website. I want to bring in professionals that can help you and others living in this situation. I want to do a Q&A session, and I may ask my therapist if we can do it sooner rather than later. Everyone here deserves to feel loved, admired, and desired! xoxoxoxo! Thank you NLI, for caring and for sharing too. I will make some time to read up on that. I'm sorry you went through shit. You are totally making something positive from it though and that's massively cool. Kudos to you chick Good luck with your site... I suspect an internet full of people like us could keep your professionals über busy xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:19:18 GMT -5
EO, I am so sorry. I can't wait for you to get out of there. It is really hard to build up your confidence and strength when you live with a complete c**t who is draining you dry every day. If you were able to take some kind of halfway step - maybe pack up the kids and go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks, or house sit for somebody - the extra space and distance might go a long way to helping you find yourself again. Or take some time off and come overseas! It'll be a momentous day when it arrives unmatched!! And, you daft arse, I've now bagged an invite to Oz... that's been my plan all along x
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:23:33 GMT -5
What a bastard. This idiot should be in jail already. If he's NOT going anywhere, eternaloptimism, please try to leave (family, friends, anywhere!) - it's clear that you're just not safe! Please protect yourself - you are far too amazing for this sh*t. Thank you lyn. I don't feel unsafe tbh. That could be institutionalised me though. I've not allowed myself to get proper angry. I've been trained to shut up and get on with it. That way everything is calm. Except it's not is it. Hard habit to break. Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:24:44 GMT -5
EO, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Please know that I'm sending you cyber strength and energy and prayers that you can exit this situation soon. Any chance of switching out a bag of coke for arsenic? Stay strong and I agree with unmatched with seeking help from your mom or a friend. Not sure when your lease is up but maybe not renewing it may give you the extra push you need to move away from him. Big hugs honey xoxo Thanks beautiful. Cyanide had crossed my mind Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:26:05 GMT -5
EO, there aren't words sufficient enough for this crime. However, it is a CRIME. Please take whatever action you need to do to stay safe. Your safety is the primary concern. Abusers do not stop! I think you are right. They pause long enough to make you think it's ok then BAM. I'm tired of this now. Xx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:26:57 GMT -5
Specific legal advice, do-able exit strategy, intact support network, strategy to help the kids transition. All good things to have in your pocket for when a trigger point occurs. Probably Sister EO, the most recent trigger point has been missed, so the task is to get prepared for "the next" trigger point (or trigger point of your own design and timing). I keep missing Baz. Need to work on my reflexes as well!! X
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 10, 2017 11:39:06 GMT -5
eternaloptimism - I am so sorry to hear that the sex you finally got to have was coerced/forced (yes it IS rape, IMO). I hate that you felt that giving in to him was easier than being true to yourself. I'm sorry that he didn't get picked up while he had coke on him. I'm just so sad that you don't feel like you have valid options to make your life better. The conversation over what you can & cant change is an important one, but it sucks you still have to wait a few weeks before one on one counseling. I second the strong advice of: protect yourself. Please, please DO take care & keep updating here. I worry about his erratic behavior & your safety. You deserve so much better than this piece of crap in your life. Thanks GG. The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm actually a bit thick. I would be giving the exact same words of advice to someone too. Somehow though I just can't get my head around it for myself. Annoying isn't it! Xxx EO - I wouldn't agree that you're thick. My theory is that you've been emotionally abused into complacency. You are accepting intolerable treatment as if this is normal. It is decidedly not normal for him to act this way to someone who pays for his care & feeding & who he rips off every time he spends cash on pot or blow. I do not think you are thick. I think you've been (metaphorically) beaten into submission. My worry is that coke may help make that no longer only metaphorical. Please at least talk to someone close or think deeply about - IF you needed a place to stay on short notice, where could you go if you had to? I hope it will never be needed, but it sure sounds like that last event was close to coming to physical violence (& really, coerced sex IS rape & rape is never about sex, it's always about power)
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:39:13 GMT -5
EO, I have been thinking about you a lot this morning - it just keeps going round and round in my head. And you know what I think of your husband, I am not letting him off the hook in any way. But you have to stop doing this to yourself. It is like watching somebody smack their head against a wall, and desperately hoping they aren't going to do themselves permanent damage. You don't need counselling, you don't need anything - you have so much strength already. You just need to get out so you can see straight again. Make it 'temporary', sneak out in the middle of the night if you have to, whatever. But don't put yourself through anything like that again. Please??? I would probably do more good banging my head against a wall. He'd be sure to leave if I didn't look nice enough. I walk into these things myself. Like a dick. He'd phoned me to pick him up when I was already in bed. I said no. Then when I came off the phone I started thinking about how he used to be years and years ago when he would come in drunk. I may have told you before but I used to wear steel toe capped DM's to bed waiting to see what was in store for me when he got back. Trust me when I say he never managed to do me much (physical) damage. probs because I'm as tall as him and will fight back. But. I hate violence. I hate shouting. And I've pretty much kept it all inside since to avoid such situations. So thinking back to that made me a bit nervous as to how he would be coming in drunk when I was asleep and had refused to get him. So I got him. And wished I hadn't. It wasn't just what went on in the bedroom that messed with me either. It was the tears, the I love you more than life itself, don't you love me like that anymore? I only want you forever, no one else. Do you feel like that about me? I can't live without you. All the shit he pulled out of the bag to tug my heartstrings. It's worked for him since 1999 so I guess he figures it will always work. This is where I need help in myself. To be able to say what I mean. Grrrrrrrr. Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:42:05 GMT -5
eternaloptimism What you're telling us here about your "mate's" behaviour goes way way beyond the vibe of a sad sack loser who just lives for not doing anything, smoking dope and lying blotto on the couch, letting you carry the load. It sounds like he's realized that things may be changing, and now he's floundering, but instead of making a positive effort, he goes further into his antisocial space and hits drugs again ... that "coked up" would really worry me in your place. Coke is not an aide to sane behaviour and constructive problem solving. It makes people acutely dangerous; to themselves and to others. If he pulls this kind of shit, you maybe should consider kicking your anxieties in the goolies and get out of Ground Zero before the bombs land on your head. I mean, seriously. This is no longer a case of a stoner lying on the couch "I can't be bothered to get my arse off this bolster and do anything - it's all just too hard". Both alcohol and coke have {violence} disinhibiting properties. Both make people lose whatever moral compass they have {left}. Only thing worse in that respect is methamphetamine. That'll be his next trick! Or suicide threats I wouldn't wonder. Gah. This is shitty and hard. Wake me up someone! X
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 10, 2017 11:43:17 GMT -5
EO - I will keep this short. Your man sounds dangerous. PLEASE find a place you could go on short notice and keep some things packed. Once things start going in this direction, they almost never get better. Thanks SK . My Ma is just round the corner. I just want him to go really. Xxx
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