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Post by wanderlust on Oct 2, 2017 17:34:26 GMT -5
Idk... is it abusive to make the other person in a relationship feel like shit, potentially send them into a depressive tailspin, deny them happiness and fulfillment in a relationship, minimize their feelings, and belittle them for thinking that sex was normal and ok? I think we all know the answer. Oh it's fine.... Your just not looking at from their point of view....!!! Who are you to force them to be someone they are not..... It works for them!!! Who are we to force unhappiness on them??? It's the very reason we are in this deadend pit.... I think most have good sex before marriage and base our relationship on the hope it will continue. If you went into a relationship knowing that sex was a non-negotiable no, the answer would be accept or move on. When the bait and switch happens, it takes us a while to catch up, we were not informed the rules had changed. We get frustrated and mad, that is not what we thought we were getting. We didn't get married to be celibate but you can't force someone to love you. We are in committed relationships that are complicated and financially draining to leave. IMHO I would not call it abusive, though to the refused, it feels that way.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 2, 2017 14:47:36 GMT -5
ISFJ
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 2, 2017 13:45:31 GMT -5
Think about that for a minute... SHE CONSIDERS SEX WITH YOU AS UNPLEASANT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU That hit like a fist in the gut - and I thank you for it. I suppose I'm going to try to satisfy this one - then see what else may "pop up" afterward what comes next - or maybe just ask her point blank if the above statements are indeed the case (which I expect they are). I see your point too RE: "but you do it because it is meaningful to your partner." Maybe I'm being too hard-headed on that point, because it causes performance issues which, I must admit, probably contributed to this whole mess way back at the start. I am really not in the position to give advice. I don't know what will work. I am experiencing similar issues. This is my first attempt at resoloution. I understand that odds are against us. If this is a person that you really love and want to have in your life you must be commited to bring about change. Address the issue of intimacy, not sex. Sex after all is just... sex. Intimacy is the bond that separates a marriage from all other relationships and what binds 2 soles together as one. All that we want is happiness and fulfilment within our marriages. It is not too much to ask. Communication is key. If your spouse loves you they will be receptive. If she is not, it is time to weigh the stay, cheat, leave option.
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 29, 2017 14:07:47 GMT -5
the suggestions in it will not change a thing unless BOTH people are committing to fixing the problems. It has some good ideas, but since you can't force your refuser to care....[/quote]
Thank you Smartkat. I am hopeful that "the talk" will help solve the lack of intimacy or at least bring my feelings/needs into the open. I agree both people have to be willing to work at it.
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 29, 2017 13:55:29 GMT -5
I have some recommendations for anyone who still thinks their marriage is savable.[/quote]
Thanks for the offer H, I will get through this one and see if I need any others...
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 28, 2017 9:25:54 GMT -5
I was searching youtube for help/information and came across a tedxtalk by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She is the author of several books including the sex starved marriage. Has anyone else read this book? what are your thoughts?
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 23, 2017 10:15:40 GMT -5
They're not touching on the incurable problems. Women, mostly hormonal, and men, prior performance issues. If you have a diagnosis, you probably have a treatment. First time poster here.. I suspect that many in the "therapy" business are there because they have unresolved issues themselves and entered the career for self help reasons. Some are more messed up than the people they are trying to help. They can do more harm than good. At least this mainstream article is a conversation starter..
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