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Post by wanderlust on Sept 28, 2017 9:25:54 GMT -5
I was searching youtube for help/information and came across a tedxtalk by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She is the author of several books including the sex starved marriage. Has anyone else read this book? what are your thoughts?
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 28, 2017 10:50:24 GMT -5
I was searching youtube for help/information and came across a tedxtalk by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She is the author of several books including the sex starved marriage. Has anyone else read this book? what are your thoughts? She's been one of the more vocal champions of our cause for a long time. It's been many years since I read her book, but I remember thinking that she really does get it. But... while it's good to get a grasp on your own reality, fixing it is a whole different matter and requires a partner who also acknowledges the issue and is inspired to fix it too. By the time most folks get desperate enough to Google "sexless marriage" and find this forum, it's because their spouse won't discuss it, doesn't acknowledge the problem, and won't make an effort to fix the relationship. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2017 12:13:02 GMT -5
I read that book a long time ago. It's one of the few advice sources that doesn't tell the HL partner that they just have to suck it up and accept celibacy. It takes some steps in the direction of admitting that it's normal to want sex on a regular basis, especially within a monogamous relationship.
IMHO, it doesn't go far enough in that direction. In Weiner's worldview, the LL partner still pretty much calls almost all the shots. Withholding sex is still considered not as bad as outsourcing (or ending a relationship due to lack of sex.)
But, I would say it's a step in the right direction.
However, the biggest problem with this book is that the suggestions in it will not change a thing unless BOTH people are committing to fixing the problems. It has some good ideas, but since you can't force your refuser to care....
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Post by h on Sept 28, 2017 14:56:45 GMT -5
Bought it. Read it. Liked it. Wife refused to even read the back cover. Got a whole stack of books I could recommend but my wife never opened a single one. Both have to be willing to make a difference.
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Post by h on Sept 29, 2017 4:48:39 GMT -5
Bought it. Read it. Liked it. Wife refused to even read the back cover. Got a whole stack of books I could recommend but my wife never opened a single one. Both have to be willing to make a difference. BTW, pm me if you're interested in the other books. I have some recommendations for anyone who still thinks their marriage is savable. |
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 29, 2017 13:55:29 GMT -5
I have some recommendations for anyone who still thinks their marriage is savable.[/quote]
Thanks for the offer H, I will get through this one and see if I need any others...
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Post by wanderlust on Sept 29, 2017 14:07:47 GMT -5
the suggestions in it will not change a thing unless BOTH people are committing to fixing the problems. It has some good ideas, but since you can't force your refuser to care....[/quote]
Thank you Smartkat. I am hopeful that "the talk" will help solve the lack of intimacy or at least bring my feelings/needs into the open. I agree both people have to be willing to work at it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2017 16:39:36 GMT -5
Yes, it is an excellent book. I read it about 18 years ago. Unfortunately, it is a waste of time & money if you are married to a refuser.
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Post by csl on Oct 1, 2017 14:43:35 GMT -5
Bought it. Read it. Liked it. Wife refused to even read the back cover. Got a whole stack of books I could recommend but my wife never opened a single one. Both have to be willing to make a difference. You made me think of one guy I knew who woke up one day and realized that he was a mere Walking Wallet and factotum for his wife. So he stopped the princess routine, and when she came at him with smoke coming out of her ears about him slacking off the worship, he told her that it was going to change or separation/divorce was the next step. She was still angry and so told him "Well, it's divorce, then!" However, when he pulled out the want-ads and starting looking for an apartment for her to move to, she backed up and said she was too hasty, and asked what he wanted. He told her he was fed up with the sexlessness of the marriage, and that they were going to get counseling, and she was going to read a couple of books or he'd find her an apartment. Last time I talked with him, they were in counseling, sex had picked up, and she was doing the reading. |
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2017 20:30:37 GMT -5
There's one thing about these podcasts, Ted Talks, books and all
They are all information, and worth reading / watching.
You can invariably pick up something useful out of them, even if the vast majority of the information is ratshit - as it applies to "fixing" an ILIASM shithole.
Thing is - unless you choose it to be so - you are not always going to be in an intractable ILIASM shithole.
And information you gather about nurturing a "normal" marriage and dealing with "normal" marital ups and downs may have great relevance and pay-offs in your future.
You can start that process of self education now.
The more you know about a "normal" marriage, the better. Even if (in fact particularly if) you are in an ILIASM shithole.
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