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Post by lakeside4003 on Oct 29, 2017 21:34:08 GMT -5
hey all, glad to have sparked a meaningful 'filter' discussion for those moving on...we all know how strongly we do or don't feel about many things - and the current political climate IS reality - so it's fair game imo - and for some a rather important one.
We all should be able to articulate how and why we feel as we do - the avoidance (or open sharing) of some of these specifics are key to any strong relationship moving forward. just sayin...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Oct 26, 2017 14:45:58 GMT -5
ok - i used current pics, some w my grown kids and a few from 10-15 yrs ago. The main thing for me was to really show myself and articulate my way of thinking, what turns me on/off, what I'm looking for/dreaming about (yeah everyone does this, but try to go waaay beyond 'holding someone's hand walking the beach for sunset', etc).
If I hoped to connect with a lady, I sent them a note asking them to 'please be curious?' and asking them to read my profile, while always mentioning something specific from theirs.
I did get compliments on the amount I wrote/shared and the details of my reasons for being on Match. I even went so far as to screen out some ladies by sharing 'If you still really like Trump, please don't waste any time on me!' This actually helped quite a bit and screened in or out something that could have been a deal-breaker from the start.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Oct 26, 2017 14:30:11 GMT -5
hi from a past member of this site. I have been going through much of what you now are - and am separated, divorce is proceeding.
I did get set up on Match.com - and I will largely give it a thumbs-up for my experiences so far. I have met all sorts of ladies, mostly nice, but some doozies too. I've also had a 'scam attempt', so do be careful...
Only post recent pics (but ok to show some older ones as labeled from 10-15 yrs ago) and the more your profile is creative - you can and will attract some like minded people. I get the feeling that the #'s are a bit more in mens favor - so understand that there can be lots of competition out there.
I can happily report that I have started a relationship that's increasingly comfortable and quite exciting - and yes, the sex is what most of us have always longed for.
Good Luck!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Aug 19, 2017 14:38:22 GMT -5
Hi all, been off the site while pecking/purging and selling the home, going through divorce proceedings - and have moved out to a lovely community in NC. I am sooooo happy to be single again. yes, I have met a few very nice ladies and I had forgotten how fantastic it is to be desired and touched. Lucky me!!
My therapist was so encouraging to me to 'move forward' and was convinced that the ex would likely never change...
To all who are contemplating 'the grass being greener on the other side' - I can report that it is indeed.
Good luck to all - and I will always remember the great support and wonderful people on this site.
Cheers!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jun 5, 2017 18:58:00 GMT -5
this is empowering to read - you go girl!! there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jun 5, 2017 18:50:00 GMT -5
a caphelon quart-sized pot for cooking, to replace the one she burnt out (again)...
kids gave me great gifts, tho - knowing I'm about to set out on my own...
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Post by lakeside4003 on May 28, 2017 19:01:03 GMT -5
as fate would have it - I attended a family/friends bbq at my sisters home this weekend, my sister is bff with the younger sister of my original love when i was 10yrs old. She was the girl whom i fell for at a very early age (played doctor together, etc.) we dated a bit as teenagers/early 20's, but I was away at school and missed out - she married young and divorced in her 30's...
anyway, she was at my sisters party with a date - but we knew each of us were likely to be there and we were looking fwd to seeing each other and re-connecting.
If you believe in Karma - this may have been an instance of it. we re-connected like we were still kids again (our parents always thought we were made for each other)and while she's been divorced 2X and she just came to understand I'd be going through the same - we connected in a way that makes one believe in 'meant to be'...even if it takes 50 years. I asked her to 'keep some room for me' and she quickly agreed that she felt the same way.
I am so excited to even think I might have a chance at the girl who I've pined for for over 50 yrs...amazing just to even think like this no matter what happens
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Post by lakeside4003 on May 25, 2017 19:22:09 GMT -5
hey all, apologies for going 'off air' for many weeks/months...it's been extremely stressful with getting the house sold (yay! closing in July) and getting STBX to finally acknowledge that splitting makes sense. After years of marriage counseling, solo and together - it's become quite clear that this is the right path (at least for me). Up until the end, my wife still hoped 'we would work things out', but she was never able to acknowledge the intense damage the SM had created. I had given her soo many chances to work on her issues of intimacy avoidance - but that's apparently a hugely difficult thing for her to truly dig into. She could only lightly acknowledge the SM, then brush it aside as if it wasn't really that big of a deal and she'd simply rather blame me...DARVO in classic forms across the board.
So, we'll be separating as soon as the sale is complete - and I will be moving away from the NYC area to begin my retirement (and begin my Match.com efforts to find a new life.)
our 3 kids are all understanding and sympathetic - they all saw this coming years ago... I had a really nice 'pre-batchelor party' week with my sons recently (older son getting married in August) and my daughter is planning on being close to me (likely down in NC) after she graduates in December. The wedding will be awkward (mostly for my wife) - but I am so comfortable with how things are now panning out. My family is fully supportive and understanding, even my 88yr old mom.
Divorce seems to be an eventuality, but we'll shelve this until after the wedding and graduation.
I have been so excited about the varied possibilities for starting a new life, without the misery, loneliness and the feeling of 'walking on eggshells' as it's been for the last dozen years.
Thank you all for the great support - this forum is a wonderful source of great advice & empathy - and the a great set of 'shoulders to cry on'.
Cheers!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 30, 2017 16:43:52 GMT -5
wow! nothing but best wishes and congrats. must feel like a weight has been lifted...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 22, 2017 22:29:11 GMT -5
Q - isn't the issue more about a basic, fundamental acknowledgement (from our spouses) that a SM is a shithole for somebody in the marriage? We all know this to be so - and feel it to the max.
but they don't even understand (can't?) that we feel sooooo strongly about this - and to keep it fully separated from all other 'whats going on in our relationship' is the a painful DARVO path and just keeps us all in our personal 'alternative reality' settings ...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 22, 2017 17:56:31 GMT -5
this thread is spot on for me. years ago my wife acknowledged that 'she could stretch herself a bit more' re: initiating or being there for intimacy. it was a big deal for her to even allow that minor acknowledgement, I was actually hopeful for a few months.
Then after maybe sex 4-5X over a month or so (we were having 'lots of sex' in her opinion), it went back to 'normal'.
she's convinced herself that she is quite justified in our SM, as clearly - my frustrations have led to a difficult attitude and being short with her so often - so I'm the one who's created an awkward environment. The responsibility and causes for our SM are clearly on me, not her...
She consistently defends her low libido as 'not unusual' and that I'm just supposed to learn to live with her level of desire and lack of playfulness.
20 years later, I still haven't learned, (apparently I've become even denser)
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 21, 2017 15:29:34 GMT -5
nice exchange!!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 21, 2017 15:23:17 GMT -5
you seem focused, aware and even-keeled from everything i've read.
good on ya, mate
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 20, 2017 18:27:06 GMT -5
seems I'm a bit further down this path? why not?
I do want an amicable 'uncoupling' and am focused on maintaining the good things we will always have together, so if articles like this help to move forward, I'm all for sharing these insights.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 20, 2017 13:09:47 GMT -5
ouch, had to think about that example a few times...
my setting involves too much 'blame' in that I get it all. I can/do own up to a massive amount of blame for my behaviors/attitudes - but the core dynamic of our failed marriage is that my wife has incredible difficulty owning up to any of her issues. She's once again dismissed the latest therapist that we had been seeing as we got too close to the truth of ILIASM and the impact it has on us. this has now happened 4X over the last 10 years.
'Blame' ultimately is not what to focus on (the game is already lost by both teams, so who cares what the score is?) - rather, find your 'true north' and stay the path...
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