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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 15:39:55 GMT -5
www.facebook.com/Shrink4Men/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED&fref=nfMarch 22, 2017 ; Never apologizes. Expects you to grovel for forgiveness. Red flag (picture of the back of a mule) So much of this goes back to our first encounters of therapy. When the topic of intimacy and sex came up. My now STBX's response, "WEll ...maybe, possibly that's an area that I might, could work on a little." That was her apology that was the closest she could get to admitting any blame. Even my children tell me, "mom never says she's sorry about anything, not like you do".
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 22, 2017 16:45:28 GMT -5
My W apologizes, but it's always through gritted teeth - I hear the words, but never any sincerity behind them. It's exactly the same with 'thank you" - she always says it, but it's so obvious from her tone that she's saying it because she feels she should, not because she actually has any gratitude. Totally with you GC!
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 22, 2017 17:08:31 GMT -5
I must admit that I never apologize to my stbx. I am fine with apologizing to anyone but him.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 17:09:29 GMT -5
I occasionally get a "thank you" for "acts of service". I mean literally acts of service. "Thank you for doing the laundry". They are so rare, and few. They are spoken with a sarcastic tone, like she is expecting a 10 fold "OH no...thank you for ALL YOU DO!". There is never touch involved with it. It gives you the impression of, "good boy, continue to do as your told, now jump through the rest of these hoops.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 17:11:01 GMT -5
I must admit that I never apologize to my stbx. I am fine with apologizing to anyone but him. And rightfully so!! You were not the manipulative controller. You are like Cinderella vs the wicked step mother. |
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 22, 2017 17:12:56 GMT -5
I must admit that I never apologize to my stbx. I am fine with apologizing to anyone but him. And rightfully so!! You were not the manipulative controller. You are like Cinderella vs the wicked step mother. My W makes the wicked step-mother look like Cinderalla! |
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Post by iceman on Mar 22, 2017 17:12:56 GMT -5
My wife rarely truly apologizes. It's more of an attempt to explain or rationalize. Something like 'I'm sorry but the reason I did that was .....'. There's no contrition or admitting she did anything wrong. The problem is that I simply didn't see things her way and understand. Now that she explained things to me everything should be okay and I should see that she did nothing wrong. My bad that I saw it any other way.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 22, 2017 17:15:29 GMT -5
I must admit that I never apologize to my stbx. I am fine with apologizing to anyone but him. And rightfully so!! You were not the manipulative controller. You are like Cinderella vs the wicked step mother. That's funny. Actully, stbx's lawyer said in court that my story sounded like Cinderella (because of all the cleaning and work I had to do). Only she made it sound like I had made everything up about freak husband. Anyway. Stbx allways blamed me for not apologizing to him (when it was so obvious that I was being wrong). Darvo.... |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 22, 2017 17:20:08 GMT -5
Mine would tell me when he thought I needed to apologize to him. He once reprimanded me, loudly and in public, that I needed to apologize to him for something I did. What had I done? Asked him (in an irritated tone I admit), to stop asking me questions while I was on the phone
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 17:23:12 GMT -5
And rightfully so!! You were not the manipulative controller. You are like Cinderella vs the wicked step mother. That's funny. Actully, stbx's lawyer said in court that my story sounded like Cinderella (because of all the cleaning and work I had to do). Only she made it sound like I had made everything up about freak husband. Anyway. Stbx allways blamed me for not apologizing to him (when it was so obvious that I was being wrong). Darvo.... That attorney did you a favor, saying , "you sounded like Cinderella with all the cleaning and work you had to do" Then she practically proved what a freak your husband was by emphasizing all his denial! Yep...DARVO and projection! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 17:31:19 GMT -5
My wife rarely truly apologizes. It's more of an attempt to explain or rationalize. Something like 'I'm sorry but the reason I did that was .....'. There's no contrition or admitting she did anything wrong. The problem is that I simply didn't see things her way and understand. Now that she explained things to me everything should be okay and I should see that she did nothing wrong. My bad that I saw it any other way. There's a huge element of fear and pride in the person who can't admit they are wrong. They like to do as much damage as possible when being shown the door! BREATH.......Strength in!!! B.S. out!!! |
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Post by lakeside4003 on Mar 22, 2017 17:56:31 GMT -5
this thread is spot on for me. years ago my wife acknowledged that 'she could stretch herself a bit more' re: initiating or being there for intimacy. it was a big deal for her to even allow that minor acknowledgement, I was actually hopeful for a few months.
Then after maybe sex 4-5X over a month or so (we were having 'lots of sex' in her opinion), it went back to 'normal'.
she's convinced herself that she is quite justified in our SM, as clearly - my frustrations have led to a difficult attitude and being short with her so often - so I'm the one who's created an awkward environment. The responsibility and causes for our SM are clearly on me, not her...
She consistently defends her low libido as 'not unusual' and that I'm just supposed to learn to live with her level of desire and lack of playfulness.
20 years later, I still haven't learned, (apparently I've become even denser)
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 18:05:11 GMT -5
this thread is spot on for me. years ago my wife acknowledged that 'she could stretch herself a bit more' re: initiating or being there for intimacy. it was a big deal for her to even allow that minor acknowledgement, I was actually hopeful for a few months. Then after maybe sex 4-5X over a month or so (we were having 'lots of sex' in her opinion), it went back to 'normal'. she's convinced herself that she is quite justified in our SM, as clearly - my frustrations have led to a difficult attitude and being short with her so often - so I'm the one who's created an awkward environment. The responsibility and causes for our SM are clearly on me, not her... She consistently defends her low libido as 'not unusual' and that I'm just supposed to learn to live with her level of desire and lack of playfulness. 20 years later, I still haven't learned, (apparently I've become even denser) Sounds like a typical reset to get you to shut up! Every time I read shrink4men on fakebook I find myself going down the page , relating far to much with every post. I use it for advanced training towards the years of dealing with the narc after the divorce. Also prep for the next narc. I happen to meet. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 18:10:07 GMT -5
And rightfully so!! You were not the manipulative controller. You are like Cinderella vs the wicked step mother. That's funny. Actully, stbx's lawyer said in court that my story sounded like Cinderella (because of all the cleaning and work I had to do). Only she made it sound like I had made everything up about freak husband. Anyway. Stbx allways blamed me for not apologizing to him (when it was so obvious that I was being wrong). Darvo.... What apologizing did he EVER do to you? ( I already know that answer, it's not in his vocabulary!) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2017 18:50:29 GMT -5
Mine would tell me when he thought I needed to apologize to him. He once reprimanded me, loudly and in public, that I needed to apologize to him for something I did. What had I done? Asked him (in an irritated tone I admit), to stop asking me questions while I was on the phone He probably didn't like you being on the phone. That was a time he couldn't control. Plus the other person on the phone probably treated you with respect, giving you a chance to be heard and understood. For every one finger pointing by a controller there are 3 pointing back. |
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