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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 24, 2017 4:58:27 GMT -5
NEVER SAID SORRY EVER
My current W has never apologized, she never said it was her fault or she did something wrong in the entire time of our 14 year relationship/marriage.
Right now I am so passed the "blame game" but it is worth noting - if even for historical purposes in my little private notebook - according to her - 100% of the problems in our marriage are attributable to me and me alone. I was the one with all the problems and source of all the problems.
Again, I am so far and away beyond any justification or moral high ground and who did what and why - basically irrelevant at this point.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2017 6:21:53 GMT -5
My wife rarely truly apologizes. It's more of an attempt to explain or rationalize. Something like 'I'm sorry but the reason I did that was .....'. There's no contrition or admitting she did anything wrong. The problem is that I simply didn't see things her way and understand. Now that she explained things to me everything should be okay and I should see that she did nothing wrong. My bad that I saw it any other way. My STBX does the same thing. She is incapable of seeing any perspective other than her own. It is like trying to argue with a 6 yr old. They honestly believe that if you just understood WHY they covered the dog with shoe polish, you would not be upset. Once my STBX looked me right in the face & said, "Nothing I do is wrong unless I think it's wrong!" YES! Even if you come up with an idea, and she likes it, it's wrong. She will have to "change" it 1% so it's now her idea, her way of doing things, her being in control. (voice of experience) |
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Post by iceman on Mar 24, 2017 7:54:28 GMT -5
This thread is bringing back some memories as well as a thought process I remember having before I decided to divorce. Memories: My ex was rude and disrespectful at times to friends, neighbors, strangers, etc. All of the places we lived he never socialized with the neighbors, talked about them behind their back and gave me grief for socializing with them especially the men. As far as "the sorry" - he always had a way of spinning things around, making me feel bad for him or me saying I'm sorry and I didn't really do anything wrong. In the end when I announced the divorce and he knew I was done and there was nothing left for him to manipulate me with he admitted and said "I'm so sorry I was an asshole". However just words and too little too late. Thought process: When I was on EP before I decided to divorce someone created a thread asking "Would you be friends with your spouse". That thread was pretty revealing to me because I realized he's just not a nice friendly person and why should I be married to someone that today I would not be friends with? So would you be friends with your spouse? Today we are friends but where the kids are concerned. We talk once or twice a week about kids and schedules. Not a real friend I guess we are friendly co parents. That's a really good question. I'm not sure I'd be more than a friendly acquaintance to my wife. I can't see her being in my circle of friends. We've asked the question 'would you marry me again?'. She always says yes. I have trouble removing our kids from the equation because I would never not want to have them. But I say back then if I was asked if I would marry someone and have kids, house, relatively comfortable existence, etc. but a marriage of hardly any sex? I would have said absolutely not. To myself I ask a further question. 'Would I even ask my wife out on a date? Knowing what I do know and how I feel - no I wouldn't. It really sucks when you're married to someone that you wouldn't even ask out on a date. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 24, 2017 8:02:53 GMT -5
This thread is bringing back some memories as well as a thought process I remember having before I decided to divorce. Memories: My ex was rude and disrespectful at times to friends, neighbors, strangers, etc. All of the places we lived he never socialized with the neighbors, talked about them behind their back and gave me grief for socializing with them especially the men. As far as "the sorry" - he always had a way of spinning things around, making me feel bad for him or me saying I'm sorry and I didn't really do anything wrong. In the end when I announced the divorce and he knew I was done and there was nothing left for him to manipulate me with he admitted and said "I'm so sorry I was an asshole". However just words and too little too late. Thought process: When I was on EP before I decided to divorce someone created a thread asking "Would you be friends with your spouse". That thread was pretty revealing to me because I realized he's just not a nice friendly person and why should I be married to someone that today I would not be friends with? So would you be friends with your spouse? Today we are friends but where the kids are concerned. We talk once or twice a week about kids and schedules. Not a real friend I guess we are friendly co parents. That's a really good question. I'm not sure I'd be more than a friendly acquaintance to my wife. I can't see her being in my circle of friends. We've asked the question 'would you marry me again?'. She always says yes. I have trouble removing our kids from the equation because I would never not want to have them. But I say back then if I was asked if I would marry someone and have kids, house, relatively comfortable existence, etc. but a marriage of hardly any sex? I would have said absolutely not. To myself I ask a further question. 'Would I even ask my wife out on a date? Knowing what I do know and how I feel - no I wouldn't. It really sucks when you're married to someone that you wouldn't even ask out on a date. Yeah the would I marry them again is a tough one. My answer is Yes because of the kids. It wasn't always bad times either, for many years I was in a fog and thought his back really hurt. People change and probably it was me who changed more. I grew as a person and he didn't. The reality is these are all just good thought provoking questions to help you figure out what you want for your future. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2017 10:08:33 GMT -5
Today I confronted my STBX about the fact that she did not by dog food at the grocery store. I confronted her with her manipulation about it not being on the list. I told her, it's been on the list for 5 weeks.
As sure as the sun will rise, she pulled her DARVO. I then jumped on the opportunity to confront her with her big red flag of never apologizing.
I then received a childish, immature, denial, narc, response, "you do the same thing". (I so dread these battle of wits debates, full of denial and avoidance) I went on to say, " I have plenty of documentation to back it" she responds, " I am sure you do". I go on to say, "The teens know it, your father knows it, the therapists know it, everyone knows it but you".
The next DARVO begins. Back to money!!
There will never be an apology of any kind. In a case like this the least amount of dialogue between us in the future the better. Strictly business.
My therapist was telling me of a conversation he had with a fellow therapist about divorce, custody, and settlements. You have two people who can't agree on anything, they have anger, fear, and guilt over there failed marriage, one is always manipulating the other. Then the courts tell them ,you must compromise, and reach a workable solution together, and remain in a working relationship after the divorce. That doesn't make much sense?
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Post by JonDoe on Mar 29, 2017 22:34:52 GMT -5
My wife rarely truly apologizes. It's more of an attempt to explain or rationalize. Something like 'I'm sorry but the reason I did that was .....'. There's no contrition or admitting she did anything wrong. The problem is that I simply didn't see things her way and understand. Now that she explained things to me everything should be okay and I should see that she did nothing wrong. My bad that I saw it any other way. Holy carp! That sounds so damn familiar! |
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