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Post by beachguy on Aug 1, 2018 7:34:52 GMT -5
Personally I think this is a lot of victim blaming. You can make the same case for emotional and even physical abuse. If you dare.
And we do not know what Mr Seekinganswers is thinking. Or doing. Maybe he's had an affair for most of his marriage. Maybe he's quietly preparing his exit plan. Quietly because maybe he learned that here.
You are impressed with Seekinganswer's "attempts" to "solve" her SM. But she is absolutely unwilling to do the only thing that can solve it, short of divorce. So I'm not impressed at all. I'm not sure why she is here or what she expected to accomplish.
"This situation could not have developed without his co-operation. "
Sorry, I call bullshit on that. We are not talking about High School romances where someone throws a hope ring and walks away.
And finally, I don't think I've seen any evidence that seekinganswer's husband is even unhappy about the sexlessness of the marriage. We know too little about him to start writing side stories about him, using him as the poster child to berate all the other refused here.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 17:32:45 GMT -5
seekinganswers, you seem to be frustrated because your H is ignoring the problem. You’ve made it clear that you do not want to have sex with him. That leaves him two options. Cheat or leave. Are you waiting for him to push the eject button? I’m just not sure where you are coming from on that .
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 17:24:25 GMT -5
Op, I also would like to know if you have ever had strong sexual chemistry and a great sex life with anyone. How sexually experienced are you? If you have experienced that, don’t you want that again? If you do, how are you coping with the impossibility of getting that with your h. If you haven’t had a great sex life with anyone could it be that you really aren’t that sexual? How often do you want sex and do you masturbate or ignore your Irving’s? A $64m question
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 14:52:14 GMT -5
If the OPs h is anything like many here, he just could have browsed this forum at the very least. Perhaps he isn’t ready yet. Just like most everyone here could have Googled “sexless marriage” years before they did. It is also possible that he is getting his needs met outside the marriage. Maybe he’s been doing it for years.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 9:46:06 GMT -5
I disagree. I think h has a unique story, as do we all really. There are certainly different categories of SMs. One of those categories is when the sex was never good, from the beginning. Especially when it is a Virgin Horror Story. When the refused was turned down on the wedding night. And the marriage was barely consummated (if at all) by the end of the honeymoon. When that is the main story line it is difficult to be optimistic. MIGHT = Smoking Hopium. And as crass as it may sound, the WHY does not matter. Nor does correlation = causation.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 9:13:54 GMT -5
h , I'm glad you weighed in on this thread. In your own thread I tried to convince you of the hopelessness of your situation. But you are still smoking Hopium. And then this post comes along. Virtually indistinguishable from your story. You have as much chance of making things work as this OP's husband has of making things work. And this is true of almost everyone here. Perhaps everyone here who is stil trying and hasn't left yet. Similar yes, but not the same. My W is actually committed to working on it. My ultimatum was a wake up call for her. We're actually closer today than we have been in years precisely because of my time here and how I have learned to be more open and honest about my feelings. seekinganswers may not be able to save her situation but honest communication will help her and her H decide how best to proceed. Maybe they can separate and be good coparents like choosinghappy and her H. Maybe they will decide on an open marriage arrangement. Maybe they will get a sex therapist and try to fix their marriage. They won't know until they talk it through. The big difference may simply be that seekinganswer's husband has not given her the fuck me or else Ultimatum. The big similarity is that both married without having any sexual attraction, whatsoever, for their chosen husband. And it is highly, highly unlikely that either ever will.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 8:13:13 GMT -5
Wow, thank you all so much for your insight and advice. I hear you. I HAVE to start talking more and not hold back, "suck it up, muster up all your courage, and get the ball rolling" as nyartgal said. ( nyartgal I do have more intimacy with my dental hygienist! That made me laugh.) @workingonit, this struck a chord: "being authentic and real with him is ultimately less hurtful then 'sparing' him for a few more years." As did your comment about kids picking up on more than you think. So true. Confirmed by beachguy , which totally made me tear up. I could personally never have an open marriage, but I can see an amiable divorce that puts my son’s needs first. I still wonder if there's something I can do to be more attracted to my husband though. I know a lot of you are saying, fat chance. Maybe the conversations will bring a level of intimacy that leads to something. Who knows. I don't think we'll ever get to a point where sex is mind blowing, but maybe there's a point where we have enough intimacy to keep us fulfilled. He's traveling these next few days, but I'll talk to him when he gets back and start there. bballgirl - I'm so glad you mentioned that book, Mating in Captivity. I heard about it awhile back and it sounded interesting, but I haven't read it yet. It will be the next book I read. shamwow - without this turning into a post about feminism, it was an interesting challenge you presented. I think we agree more than we disagree. I agree that "love ain't a duty", completely. It was my point actually. I wasn't associating my lack of desire for my husband with feminism. I was associating that part of "a cause that has done women a great deal of good over the past 100 years" includes that a woman no longer has to feel that she has to let anyone touch her body that she doesn't want to, even as a wife. Do you not agree? To the people who liked his post, do you not agree? At any rate, if you don't consider that an aspect of feminism, then perhaps it's at least an off shoot, or empowerment stemming from feminism. I imagine you can see the connection. I do think it's a bit of stretch to say I entered the marriage dishonestly though. I think we all wish we could have known then what we know now. Thank you all so much. Truly. You can be a feminist all you want, but marriage is a sexual relationship. You chose to marry him and with that choice, you agreed to have sex with him. Marriage is accepting responsibility for meeting your spouse's needs. If sex wasn't high on your priority list, you shouldn't have married him in the first place. At the very least, you should have told him before you got married that you didn't feel attracted to him and let him decide if that was a deal breaker. He may not have married you knowing that you didn't desire him. I don't want to seem harsh because I respect your courage in posting in a potentially hostile forum. I'm seeing this from the other side. My W and I have been married for 10 years and nearly celibate the entire time. She has never had much interest in sex, turned me down on our wedding night and avoided me for almost all of our honeymoon. We're trying to work things out and making some progress but only after I gave her the ultimatum of sexlife or divorce. She's choosing to try. If I had known that she wasn't interested in sex from the beginning, we could have stayed friends and not gotten married. We didn't have to waste a decade of our lives being miserable. My W never gave me that choice back then. You never gave your H that choice either and here we both are. h, I'm glad you weighed in on this thread. In your own thread I tried to convince you of the hopelessness of your situation. But you are still smoking Hopium. And then this post comes along. Virtually indistinguishable from your story. You have as much chance of making things work as this OP's husband has of making things work. And this is true of almost everyone here. Perhaps everyone here who is stil trying and hasn't left yet.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 4:45:57 GMT -5
If you are here, there is one of two things going on. Your spouse may be gay, asexual, or otherwise sexually dysfunctional. Alternately, your spouse is only effectively asexual for you. I'm not sure which is worse. I'm not aware of any books or other resources that will change that. If you are interested in being happy in your celibate misery, or you would be happy spending the rest of your life struggling to get duty sex as much as once a week, from someone that has no desire for you, then I do have a shelf full of book recommendations that might help.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 31, 2018 3:31:40 GMT -5
I agree that "love ain't a duty", completely. It was my point actually. I wasn't associating my lack of desire for my husband with feminism. I was associating that part of "a cause that has done women a great deal of good over the past 100 years" includes that a woman no longer has to feel that she has to let anyone touch her body that she doesn't want to, even as a wife. Do you not agree? To the people who liked his post, do you not agree?Well, if you insist... you want full body autonomy, you got it. But then you MUST give your husband the same body autonomy. And that includes getting his sexual needs met, however, wherever and with whomever he wants. Do you not agree?
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Post by beachguy on Jul 30, 2018 20:19:03 GMT -5
I grew up with respectful but loveless and sexless parents. I was your son. You are not doing your son any favors by staying. You are only teaching him that a sexless marriage is not just OK, it's the norm. The baseline reference.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 30, 2018 1:31:48 GMT -5
I this this question was answered well by @ihadalove. But to add to it I play now and then but maybe once every couple of months alone. Usually when everyone is out to just release stress and veg. Any activity that is repetitive and takes time away from the family is bad. I had a buddy that fished all the time. Never with the kids or spouse. Same issue. I think playing video games and not wanting sex is very strange.... I think not wanting sex is strange. The excuse to be too busy for sex is rather irrelevant. As you say, it could just as easily be fishing... or anything
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Post by beachguy on Jul 29, 2018 15:09:22 GMT -5
it's me too. I've always tried to be the "nice guy" my whole life. It's funny now because my wife's reaction to my changes and anger is "It didn't seem to matter to you back then, why now?" My answer, "Because IT DOES MATTER TO ME NOW and you don't respect that, after all the years I've been respectful of you." Or depending on how you dealt with the sexlessness “back then” perhaps another answer is “it always mattered but you never listened to me until I got angry”
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Post by beachguy on Jul 29, 2018 11:56:33 GMT -5
I suspect that the reaction to this depends on how done you are when you split up. For me, I was decades over-done. If I had gotten out when I should, 90 days after the wedding, I could see how it might have happened.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 29, 2018 11:51:58 GMT -5
Google “Madonna-whore complex”. If it fits, research historical chances of recovery (spoiler: dismal)
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Post by beachguy on Jul 27, 2018 17:27:55 GMT -5
Nope not even a fist bump. We’re coming up on our 15th in a few days and I’m expecting the same results. I remember posting here last year how she forgot our anniversary. If she forgets this year I’m thinking about using this as an excuse/motivation to file. Shh! No one remind her... The ultimate covert contract
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