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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 0:10:12 GMT -5
So, I'm currently writing this from the house of one of my best friends since high school, and mostly drunk.
I was planning on having this discussion on Sunday, but my wife cornered me this afternoon, and even though she was feeling sick, we had the talk.
So I found out the reason she hasn't been interested in being intimate:
"I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with."
So there's that. But I'm going to get back to drinking. More to come later.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 17, 2016 1:09:52 GMT -5
So, I'm currently writing this from the house of one of my best friends since high school, and mostly drunk. I was planning on having this discussion on Sunday, but my wife cornered me this afternoon, and even though she was feeling sick, we had the talk. So I found out the reason she hasn't been interested in being intimate: "I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with." So there's that. But I'm going to get back to drinking. More to come later. Was she brought up on the "treat em mean keep em keen" diet then? I wonder who fed that idea into her head. It's the stupidest bullshit theory there ever was. Apart from all the other bullshit theories some pea brained humans subscribe to! Hope you are having fun otherwise Tiger! X |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 17, 2016 1:53:35 GMT -5
So, I'm currently writing this from the house of one of my best friends since high school, and mostly drunk. I was planning on having this discussion on Sunday, but my wife cornered me this afternoon, and even though she was feeling sick, we had the talk. So I found out the reason she hasn't been interested in being intimate: "I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with." So there's that. But I'm going to get back to drinking. More to come later. Was she brought up on the "treat em mean keep em keen" diet then? I wonder who fed that idea into her head. It's the stupidest bullshit theory there ever was. Apart from all the other bullshit theories some pea brained humans subscribe to! Hope you are having fun otherwise Tiger! X Wait, no, I think I misunderstood. It's not to keep you keen it's to protect herself for when she finally drives you away. That's shit. It sounds like you have no chance. Unless she is prepared to have her thought process changed. If she became more loving would you want to stay? X |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 17, 2016 1:58:50 GMT -5
cagedtiger, coming from a guy who couldn't find the momentum for 25 years, my advice: Ride the momentum. Be selfish. Be blunt. Don't sugar-coat or be ambiguous. Be absolutely crystal clear. This is not the time for self-sacrifice or saving her from inconvenient truths. It's a time to be kind, but firm-footed. And seriously? That's like saying "This is my favorite candy, but I'm not going to eat it because then it'd be gone..."
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Post by unmatched on Jul 17, 2016 2:19:58 GMT -5
That is my wife's theory too! Don't ever get too involved or too hopeful about anything because then it won't hurt so much to lose it. The fact that it makes the loss so much more likely, and stops you enjoying the life you do have, is apparently irrelevant.
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Post by baza on Jul 17, 2016 3:39:13 GMT -5
Tonight - have a skinful of piss.
It will do you good, one way or another.
Personally, I have just chug a lugged my 11th can of VB for the afternoon, am pretty hammered, and all is right with trhe world.
Thankful that I don't live in Nice, France, or in Turkey.
And the StKilda Saints won again in the AFL.t
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Life is going to go on, whether you (or me) are on the carousel or not.
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And maybe, tomorrow, when you are sober, think on what she said - ""I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with.".
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One could interpret this as a classic "relationship death wish".
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I doubt that there is any coming back from that position.
It's like - "I expect to fail"
A self fulfilling prophesy.
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I am drunk enough, at this point, to think, maybe you have got a shot here though.
"IF" she was prepared to knock down the barriers, and "IF" you could genuinely put aside the shit you have thus far absorbed, then mebbe, perhaps, possibly, your deal is not - yet - down the S bend.
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I rarely say this, but just maybe, this ain't done.
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Disclaimer - I am pretty drunk at thios point.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 17, 2016 5:29:21 GMT -5
"She has always been afraid of loosing you?" Sounds like she has a lot of emotional, self esteem baggage to deal with. Perhaps she thought your self esteem and leadership would be her ticket. That involves a great amount of trust. Trusting someone else takes self confidence, which she seems to have little of.
Your wife is Like waves in a bowl of water, going up and down, sloshing around, yet stuck in a tiny bowl.
Have you become a replacement parent for her! A safe haven, shelter? A good parent has to kick the bird out of the nest so it can learn to fly on it's own.
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Post by angryspartan on Jul 17, 2016 6:33:34 GMT -5
What....a......complete......load.....of...bs
Tell her you hope she kept 50% of everything at arms length as well.
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Post by litnerd on Jul 17, 2016 7:49:01 GMT -5
I have actually had a similar "reasoning" in past relationships. Most of mine stemmed from childhood abuse (when your father tells you for most of your life that you're too selfish, etc. to ever maintain a relationship, that shit stays with you), but also from a huge lack of self esteem. I ended up consumed by fear of losing what I had, and the relationships ended anyway. In those cases, I don't think changing my thoughts would have saved the relationships because there were other issues, but it would have saved me a lot of borrowed worry.
In my case, it becomes more of a defense mechanism. "If I don't let them close, they can't hurt me." I find myself slipping back into that mindset a lot with H, and I really have to put in effort to be stronger than that. Not that he's shown any desire to be close to me, so there's that. But I've done it with platonic friendships as well. I have friends I've known for 20 years, whom I consider close, who really don't know me beyond the surface.
I have to say that it's totally fucked up, though. Especially when you have someone who's making/made huge efforts in the relationship and you're withholding because you're too insecure to trust him.
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The Talk
Jul 17, 2016 8:21:14 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by pfviento on Jul 17, 2016 8:21:14 GMT -5
So, I'm currently writing this from the house of one of my best friends since high school, and mostly drunk. I was planning on having this discussion on Sunday, but my wife cornered me this afternoon, and even though she was feeling sick, we had the talk. So I found out the reason she hasn't been interested in being intimate: "I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with." So there's that. But I'm going to get back to drinking. More to come later. I can understand that fear. That being said she needs to be willing to address it. Why get married if you are not going to invest in the marriage. I drug my feet moving in with my wife but I was always open and honest about my childhood. We had pre marital meetings with a pastor to put all cards on the table. This only works if she is willing to work on her issues. She needs to want to. If you don't get a firm commitment from her with actions taken then I would be wary. There is some hope in that you are getting some kind of response. Follow up talk probably needed. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 17, 2016 9:18:13 GMT -5
Total Bullshit! Might be legit in her mind or might be an excuse.
Sounds like a last ditch effort of emotional blackmail. Those words "I'm afraid I'd lose you". It's illogical - sex and intimacy brings you closer.
If what she is saying is true then she made a conscious choice not to be intimate, that's bullshit! There are consequences for actions and inactions.
The bottom line: It's bullshit!, is she capable of having your calibre of sex?
If yes Does she WANT to enthusiastically on a bi- weekly basis for the rest of your life?
There's your answer to stay or go!
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Post by warmways on Jul 17, 2016 10:34:54 GMT -5
My H told me he is afraid of losing me and his fear is If he gets close I'll leave. He said he's afraid if we have sex, I'll leave him. I told him if we didn't have sex I'd be more likely to leave and if we didn't have more intimacy. He said he knows it doesn't make sense, but is unable to change.
Thanks for posting this caged tiger. It seems so f-d up. I can't imagine beginning and being in a relationship with the knowledge that I would have to keep my partner at arms length and deny him of basic needs because of my fear.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 17, 2016 10:48:59 GMT -5
So sad because sex and intimacy if there's attraction is the easy part.
At least it should be.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 17, 2016 12:31:03 GMT -5
You couple her two statements together:
"I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time." And,
"I've always been afraid of loosing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make you easier to deal with!"
Here's a sentence out of "Boundaries in Marriage" .The " good" spouse often feels helpless in the relationship. He has tried to love better and more, yet the problem continues. Because being "good" generally means being caring and compassionate, he doesn't have access to other helpful tools, such as truthfulness, honesty, limits, and consequences.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 13:55:28 GMT -5
Was she brought up on the "treat em mean keep em keen" diet then? I wonder who fed that idea into her head. It's the stupidest bullshit theory there ever was. Apart from all the other bullshit theories some pea brained humans subscribe to! Hope you are having fun otherwise Tiger! X Wait, no, I think I misunderstood. It's not to keep you keen it's to protect herself for when she finally drives you away. That's shit. It sounds like you have no chance. Unless she is prepared to have her thought process changed. If she became more loving would you want to stay? X I honestly don't know. I told her flat out that I haven't seen the woman I fell in love with in a long, long time. She agreed that she's not particularly fond of herself right now either. We're both actively seeing if our therapists (she talked about starting to see hers again) have any suggestions for somebody we can see together this week. Follow up talk definitely needed, as well as a longer term plan of action. |
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