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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 6, 2016 18:27:36 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? |
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Post by adventura on Jul 6, 2016 18:44:19 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? I find the disentanglement process altogether sobering, but I'm also a great believer in learning by doing as opposed to thinking (after carefully considering the consequences, of course). Action on the material plane is a great antidote to depression, while thinking usually just makes it worse. That's why poets and other cerebral types tend to be so melancholy, and probably also why most of the great writers were fond of their libations. Individual counseling also helps greatly. No matter what decision I make or how soon I start dating again, I'll come through this learning things about myself that I never would have known otherwise. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 6, 2016 20:31:21 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? I never got over the depression, it got worse as the years went by. How the hell I lived like that for 25-years, I don't know, but I did. I never outsourced, so I had to find comfort in other more innocuous things. The pain never went away, it just diminished sometimes. I've been out for one-year, and still haven't dated. I think I'm atypical for this group. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at that because after reading these posts, it seems just about everyone either had APs, or found a partner/lover soon after divorce. I feel a bit like an alien. There were some posts that really touched me when they described meeting their APs. I couldn't remember what it felt like to have someone want me, or be excited over me. It made me feel sad. In fact, it's been too many decades that my former life, in a different century, when I did have a sex life, now seems like a dream. Don't wait like I did without sex, without touch or affection. The whole thing starts feeling like it was a different life, and you can't remember how being touched feels, or being wanted feels. It's really quite sad, and a waste of life. |
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Post by obobfla on Jul 6, 2016 21:40:35 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? I outsource! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2016 21:48:48 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? I don't. I distract myself with many interests that don't involve W, and they are mostly effective for the time while I'm doing them. But there's enough other time in day-to-day life that it can't be escaped completely. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 7, 2016 5:47:14 GMT -5
It's impossible to escape. It's about distraction. The best I can hope for is to physically exhaust myself every day then I usually have a good night's sleep. Unfortunately my job isn't very physical so I don't always go to bed exhausted and those are the bad nights. Just recently I've made a friend here, and we texted the other night while we were both in bed alone. That helped a lot. I never was one to share this sad part of my life with anyone, but having a friend you can connect with over this helps a lot.
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Post by baza on Jul 7, 2016 5:52:38 GMT -5
I wonder how much any of us are "ready" for anything.
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Most of us are not "ready" to leave our ILIASM shithole.
Most of us are not "ready" to outsource.
Most of us are not "ready" to consult a lawyer in our jurisdiction.
Most of us are not "ready" to make the difficult choices involved in dealing with an ILIASM shithole.
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Yet some people DO do these things.
Possibly on the basis of being - "as ready as they are ever going to be".
Or maybe they work on a basis of being as prepared as they can be (which is not necessarily the same as being "ready")
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I would suspect that most of us would likewise not be "ready" for a new relationship either.
That doesn't mean people will not have a crack at it. Ready or not.
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I don't think that very many people at all are ever really completely "ready" for the things that life chucks at us.
But we get by, maybe not brilliantly, but we get by.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 6:55:26 GMT -5
Like DryCreek and sufferinhubby, it's any distracting myself. I work out a lot, and have several close friends who have been exactly where I am now. They've made themselves available any time I need to talk- that's been a Godsend already. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 7, 2016 6:58:26 GMT -5
If I could snap my fingers, and be officially divorced today, I believe I could have intimacy /sex with someone else instantly. What I can't do is conceal all the past, present, and future, doubts, problems, concerns, etc.... That have come from all the years of LIASM..
For example; I met another lady at church this weekend. I do a lot of walking back and forth, seating people, and rearranging everything for the next service. I find myself walking right beside this woman that I recognize. I ask her, " do I know you from the gym, do I see you there? " she says " yes, I am a personal fitness instructor there, I see you there in the mornings". Within minutes we are both finding out a whole lot about each other.
What gets brought up? Family. We both have 19 yr old sons. This naturally leads into exposing the truth. "My divorce is imminent, because I live in a loveless, sexless, marriage."
I have to wonder when I will be ready to not have to explain so much of my situation when I meet someone. It's taken such a stronghold on me, the depression part as well.
That's were a FWB. Is going to have to be heavy on the " friend" part.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 9:15:18 GMT -5
Like DryCreek, I have "rediscovered" interests that I set aside, for far too long. I have committed myself to making ME a priority - health, fitness, time in the outdoors, Faith, local politics, surrounding myself with positive people, etc. I strongly believe in professional mental health services, including therapy, accurate diagnoaes and/or appropriate medication. I'm all about a holistic approach to life, whenever possible. SM is no exception. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 7, 2016 9:34:20 GMT -5
Like DryCreek , I have "rediscovered" interests that I set aside, for far too long. I have committed myself to making ME a priority - health, fitness, time in the outdoors, Faith, local politics, surrounding myself with positive people, etc. I strongly believe in professional mental health services, including therapy, accurate diagnoaes and/or appropriate medication. I'm all about a holistic approach to life, whenever possible. SM is no exception. I am aiming for more of that too. I want to be that positive person. My fear/concern is falling into the trap of helping someone else far too much, again. This time I want my hand out more. Hoping for a balance. Even a rescuer needs rescuing. My concern is concealing it too much, hoping it goes away, the past is the past, etc.. Or dwelling on the guilt. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 10:45:05 GMT -5
Like DryCreek , I have "rediscovered" interests that I set aside, for far too long. I have committed myself to making ME a priority - health, fitness, time in the outdoors, Faith, local politics, surrounding myself with positive people, etc. I strongly believe in professional mental health services, including therapy, accurate diagnoaes and/or appropriate medication. I'm all about a holistic approach to life, whenever possible. SM is no exception. I am aiming for more of that too. I want to be that positive person. My fear/concern is falling into the trap of helping someone else far too much, again. This time I want my hand out more. Hoping for a balance. Even a rescuer needs rescuing. My concern is concealing it too much, hoping it goes away, the past is the past, etc.. Or dwelling on the guilt. Honestly greatcoastal, I wake up every morning and struggle with being positive, because it is natural to "default" into a negative space. It requires MORE energy to stop, refocus and commit to being in a positive frame of mind. I started by really examining my speech and writing patterns very critically. Then, "removed" anything that even hinted at "whining." It was VERY liberating, and lightened my mood over time. Dramatically. Then, I tackled my own negative self-talk. This will be an ongoing process, but again, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. You just have to commit. Fully. Not just pay lip service to it. I have the added benefit of having access to amazing mental health support, through my work/colleagues/friends. But, ultimately, It meant taking full responsibility for my attitude, moods, emotions, actions, etc., and being accountable for them. You CAN do it. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jul 7, 2016 14:31:10 GMT -5
Distractions make it all bearable for a little while. A good outsourcing partner helps also, but the depression sneaks in when you're not distracted and your mind wanders. In the end having a strong exit plan, and knowing you have options can give one a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow .
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 9:56:27 GMT -5
The weight of the SM... or for me a SL...takes its toll and I regret to say it overwhelms me at times and does come out on these boards sometimes...
My biggest smiles come from non-sex issues most of the time.... the rare exception is if I get a smile from a woman...but thst is a rare occurrence....
It ebbs and flows... I work everyday to find a better place and a happy life.... yet to find the right combination.
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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 10:28:40 GMT -5
Like DryCreek, I have "rediscovered" interests that I set aside, for far too long. I have committed myself to making ME a priority - health, fitness, time in the outdoors, Faith, local politics, surrounding myself with positive people, etc. I strongly believe in professional mental health services, including therapy, accurate diagnoaes and/or appropriate medication. I'm all about a holistic approach to life, whenever possible. SM is no exception. This is exactly how I get through as well. I am trying to nurture my mind, body, and soul. |
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