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Post by petrushka on Jul 9, 2016 4:59:51 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? That's two questions as far as I am concerned. I got over the depression by confronting my wife with my unhappiness, and by her making a great effort to address the issues. Much happier life now. The other thing that helped, always, was to let go of expectations that were not going to be met. We simply cannot project our expectations on to other people, we have to take them as they are. If that means that the line in the sand is not being met, then it's going to be a parting of the ways, in my world. But, in this case, we worked it out. As for recovery time, ye gods. <shudders> The last time recovery time was 8 years. I really, really don't want to go there again. If this would suddenly turn to shit again, I don't think I'd be ready to trust again for more than a decade, probably. I like women friends, I generally get on better with women than with men because my interests align better with the 'female side'. But building enough trust to enter into yet another committed relationship is a long way off, even though the trust in my current relationship is very very high. I just know much better what I can expect from her, and what I can't expect, and what is sure to go pear-shaped in a minute or less. But the thing is, I am no longer experiencing emotionally abusive behaviour - and that's the important thing, because I still get to experience her good sides. And the great ones. ;-) Not to mention I no longer hold still for any shit ... |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 9, 2016 5:02:14 GMT -5
tamara68Yes I can see that view. The introspection and reflection is often mistaken as "acceptance" or "tolerance" . While I'm sure sure in some situations it is, more often it simply "gathering thoughts". All to often especially here in the USA we allow many small issues to build until we cannot cope anymore. Then we explode. Then we can't take it anymore. Or we shut down completely and "turtle up" (I still do that sometimes) How many of us have a role to play in our SM? What is that role? While not placing blame on anyone or pointing fingers, ANY relationship, has two sides. If I communicated my thoughts and feelings and unhappiness earlier in my marriage, would I be here? Are these mistakes going to happen again? Can we learn and forgive and move forward? Don't confuse introspection with idleness or acceptance. We are simply trying to determine what is the right move before we make a knee jerk move that makes matters worse. (I really could have used this when i was younger. I would have spent far less time saying "Well, I didn't see that coming") As always, I could be wrong.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 9, 2016 5:10:35 GMT -5
Aww.thank you Dan. (hugs) I'm trying. Each day. Living in the Here and Now really is the biggie, in my list of priorities. As is getting mind and emotions pulling the cart in the same direction. I am so lucky that I learned about this in some group sessions back in my teens. My parents were a terrible example to me in terms of the opposite: they only lived in the past and in the future, never on the day. They completely pissed their lives away, never took time out to enjoy life or be happy. And now it's too late for both of them. I don't want to go that way. Today is only here once! <sips on his half a glass of pinot noir and hits 'create post'> with a happy smile. |
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Post by petrushka on Jul 9, 2016 5:21:06 GMT -5
Like DryCreek , I have "rediscovered" interests that I set aside, for far too long. I have committed myself to making ME a priority - health, fitness, time in the outdoors, Faith, local politics, surrounding myself with positive people, etc. I strongly believe in professional mental health services, including therapy, accurate diagnoaes and/or appropriate medication. I'm all about a holistic approach to life, whenever possible. SM is no exception. I am aiming for more of that too. I want to be that positive person. My fear/concern is falling into the trap of helping someone else far too much, again. This time I want my hand out more. Hoping for a balance. Even a rescuer needs rescuing. My concern is concealing it too much, hoping it goes away, the past is the past, etc.. Or dwelling on the guilt. Not just yes, but 'hell, yes!' That is one lesson I probably learned too late in my private life - you must set limits on rescuing people. MUST. You can only give them what you have to spare. What you want to donate without overextending, without sacrificing your own life - do not let others' needs dictate your actions - the world is full of people who are even more needier than your current rescue: you can't help them all. You must not lose yourself in the rescuing. If you do, you'll get exploited and abused and mostly deserted in the end. People who need rescuing are, as a rule, not in a position to reciprocate. The irony is that I learned to do all that professionally in doing social work and work in therapy, but I didn't take that knowledge home into my private life. It's bitten me in the arse more than a few times. Rescues do not good partners make. At best they become friends. But you do better with people who don't need rescuing for support of your own self. |
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Post by deleted on Jul 9, 2016 12:52:49 GMT -5
Battling the depression is a challenge for me. It's only a battle in my head. Others rarely see it. I'm great at putting on a game face. Most people think I'm easy going and pretty cheerful. They think I'm happily married and the my life is humming along smoothly. Inside, I'm pretty beat down by all aspects of life.
I go out. I hang out with friends. I play music. I play a lot of blues.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 14:05:33 GMT -5
I think it's a pity sexless marriage is kind of a taboo topic as is depression. So many of us keep these hidden from everyone. I understand why of course. I think it just makes the problems bigger, when freedom to acknowledge and discuas these things would make them smaller.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2016 7:40:06 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? Most of us don't sound like we would be " the happiest, most jubilant person to be around". Perhaps I speak only for a few. I know the amount of recovery time has been discussed. How many discovered that (outsourcing/sex/relationship) is something they are not going to be ready for until long after the divorce? I find the disentanglement process altogether sobering, but I'm also a great believer in learning by doing as opposed to thinking (after carefully considering the consequences, of course). Action on the material plane is a great antidote to depression, while thinking usually just makes it worse. That's why poets and other cerebral types tend to be so melancholy, and probably also why most of the great writers were fond of their libations. Individual counseling also helps greatly. No matter what decision I make or how soon I start dating again, I'll come through this learning things about myself that I never would have known otherwise. I find that some of the smallest confirmations from my therapist, give me the greatest strength. Matters of the heart, then the mind comes to play. I wish more people in my everyday world could understand what seem to be simple matters of confirmation. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2016 7:46:57 GMT -5
As a side branch to this thread, I'd like to know how people get over the depression that comes with LIASM, while still living in it? I don't. I distract myself with many interests that don't involve W, and they are mostly effective for the time while I'm doing them. But there's enough other time in day-to-day life that it can't be escaped completely. Too many times that can feel like, avoidance or postponing the inevitable. That's were the thoughts of starting again, living a new life, may not feel like I am gaining ground, but it would be more of a stronghold. Not loosing more ground. |
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