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Post by wanomad on Jul 5, 2016 21:55:36 GMT -5
I stuffed up last night, my refusing was snoring away peacefully last night making sounds in her sleep that would make a normal person think she was having a good dream. I decided to help her along and the end result was she woke to an orgasm and me getting caught with my hand in the cookie jat so to speak or at least cupping her mound under her knickers. fast forward I am so in the shit! According to her I have violated all trust and she is now "scared to sleep next to me again" I think I'm stuffed!
I have asked her If I should be seeking alternative living arrangements going forwards but have had no response.
She could press charges if she wanted to I know that and I'm not feeling overly good about what Ive done.
Any advice ?
Its out there for all sides to comment that's why we are here, if she decides I should move out so be it at least I'll know where I stand I guess
If I stay what sort of life am I going to have though.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 5, 2016 22:23:39 GMT -5
If there are no kids and you are able to leave then RUN!
A life with no passion sucks!
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Post by deleted on Jul 5, 2016 22:30:17 GMT -5
Don't ask. Unless there are kids involved, do yourself a favor and get out.
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Post by baza on Jul 5, 2016 22:51:04 GMT -5
If you leave, you do not know what sort of a life you are going to have.
If you stay, you DO know exactly what sort of a life you are going to continue to have.
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However, based on these comments of yours - "I have asked her If I should be seeking alternative living arrangements" - " if she decides I should move out" - and suchlike, you appear to have abrogated *your* responsibility to make *your* choices based on *your* longer term best interests, and tried to pass that responsibility over to your missus.
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If you are taking a position that your missus is going to make *her* choices based on *your* best longer term interests, you are hopelessly mistaken.
She is going to make *her* choices based on *her* longer term best interests, not *yours*.
As indeed she should.
If *her* choice(s) happened to co-incide with what is actually in *your* best interests, it would only be by accident, not design.
In any event, it may suit her just as well to keep you hanging around as 'social accessory', 'financier', 'child carer', 'chauffer' or whatever role she assigns you that suits her.
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Advice ?
Nothing specific to this situation you have written about, but at some point, adopting a position that *your* choices are *your* responsibility might be a good idea.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 23:20:58 GMT -5
I have asked her If I should be seeking alternative living arrangements going forwards but have had no response. No response IS a response. It just isn't the one you want, or are ready, to hear. It's passive-aggressive and a cop out, but a response nonetheless. As for violating her trust. That's a tough one, because I can understand where she's coming from. If you guys had a history of waking each other up with orgasms, it should not be a big deal. I'm guessing you did not. Which means you touched her (without her permission or consent) while she was most vulnerable - during sleep. Very slippery slope and I suggest you develop an exit plan. Quickly. She's already said it was a breach of trust. That's pretty final, IMO. (To put my response into context: when I was single I did not do "sleepovers" with sexual partners, either at my place or theirs. Sleeping together was reserved for a men who had earned my trust completely.) I wish you luck wanomad. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 5, 2016 23:42:36 GMT -5
I stuffed up last night, my refusing was snoring away peacefully last night making sounds in her sleep that would make a normal person think she was having a good dream. I decided to help her along and the end result was she woke to an orgasm and me getting caught with my hand in the cookie jat so to speak or at least cupping her mound under her knickers. You are a brave soul helping her during her sleep. I would be so scared. OK, what is she going to do, divorce you? Right. You are her servant at home. Who will do the cooking, cleaning, caretaking of kids? She would be out of her mind. She will just punish you somehow. Three years of no sex is no way to live though. It takes a lot of love to do what you do. Good luck! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2016 2:19:07 GMT -5
wanomad , I don't have much advice to add beyond what's been given. Maybe this is the event that was needed to bring things to a point of action. I see both sides to the story here, both your frustration and the situation that unfolded inches from you that you were expected to ignore. And her perspective that she feels you crossed a line that earlier in your marriage would have been welcomed; given her current perspective on the relationship she feels violated instead of loved. Clearly, she sees sexuality with you as unnatural and a bad thing. She's a very long way from where you want the relationship to be. How much deeper this dug the hole will depend greatly on her. Something to assess... running from this will not fix anything, if you still want to fix it (i.e., moving out of the bedroom / house) - it will only cement things, and around a notable event. If you intend to salvage your marriage overall (not just from this), you need to use this as the catalyst for some intense discussions and joint marital counseling. However, if you're past that point and ready to leave, well, this is a pretty defining moment. But speaking politically here, it's not the low note I'd want to leave with her as fodder for her to embellish at your expense. I would still do a hard press on the counseling before making an exit, albeit with low expectations. DC
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Post by unmatched on Jul 6, 2016 2:47:20 GMT -5
If I, and I imagine most other people here, woke up to am orgasm I would be thrilled. It would put a smile on my face for hours.
As DC said, the fact that she sees this as a violation rather than an act of love tells you everything about the state of your relationship.
Her feeling that intimacy is not and should not be the natural state of affairs between you is the perfect starting point for a serious conversation about whether you should carry on together.
But as others have said, what you want is YOUR choice. I know that I tend to take a position that 'I want this marriage to work, if you can't meet my needs then tell me straight.' But there is a bit of a cop out there, essentially wanting her to be the one who has to say 'enough'. I think in the end we are the ones who are not happy and we are the ones who have to call it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 6, 2016 6:10:40 GMT -5
I'd say you can stick a fork into this macabre union, it's done. And just for clarification you are already in hell if this is your W's reaction to your "inappropriate" touching of her lady parts.
What kind of life will you have going forward? Answer: the worst kind.
Either kick her to the curb or pack your bags and get as far away from this beast as possible.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 6, 2016 9:08:18 GMT -5
Just how far to the " don't violate my space " extreme do you take this? "You walked in our bathroom as I was stepping out of the shower!". When the two of you have been sharing a bathroom for twenty years! You placed your bottom against mine while we were sleeping, etc...
Yet bumb into your wife accidentally , completely dressed, in the kitchen, or slightly push her shoulder, and say, " I was just kidding" well... Now you have committed sexual assault! Crazy times we live in.
Then comes the double standard. If I woke up to my wife's arms around me,her hand on my crotch, and called the police, what do you think would happen?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2016 11:14:10 GMT -5
She could press charges if she wanted to I know that and I'm not feeling overly good about what Ive done. While the whole story is bizarre, the above quote jumped right up before my eyes and I am flabbergasted! [...] I thought I had heard everything! Apparently not... And seriously, men of ILIASM, what's wrong with you? , here's the thing... From a male perspective, the world of political correctness and individual entitlement / rights is a pendulum that has swung to an extreme, and we are barraged by a constant flood of messages that everything we do is wrong and offensive. FFS, a report last week claimed that complimenting a woman on her shoes is offensive! On one hand, women say they want John Wayne-style male confidence, manliness, no-BS... while the message being beat into us is that we must be the "gay BFF". We are expected to be all things emotional and passive, while perfectly suppressing all instincts of dominance and aggressiveness... But be manly about it. It's a very frustrating and conflicting place to be. This is a topic that could go for quite a while. The bottom line being, society (and therefore the legal system) claims that being married brings no rights. That we are constantly on thin ice. It's enough to make a guy say "F marriage - it's all liability and no benefit". |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2016 11:18:21 GMT -5
I know that I tend to take a position that 'I want this marriage to work, if you can't meet my needs then tell me straight.' But there is a bit of a cop out there, essentially wanting her to be the one who has to say 'enough'. I think in the end we are the ones who are not happy and we are the ones who have to call it. The opposite tack may be appropriate here... "This marriage is clearly FUBAR - maybe you can offer some reasons why we *shouldn't* end it." i.e., Don't put the onus on her to pull the plug, but give her a window to salvage it (if she can be bothered to). |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2016 11:39:35 GMT -5
While the whole story is bizarre, the above quote jumped right up before my eyes and I am flabbergasted! [...] I thought I had heard everything! Apparently not... And seriously, men of ILIASM, what's wrong with you? , here's the thing... From a male perspective, the world of political correctness and individual entitlement / rights is a pendulum that has swung to an extreme, and we are barraged by a constant flood of messages that everything we do is wrong and offensive. FFS, a report last week claimed that complimenting a woman on her shoes is offensive! On one hand, women say they want John Wayne-style male confidence, manliness, no-BS... while the message being beat into us is that we must be the "gay BFF". We are expected to be all things emotional and passive, while perfectly suppressing all instincts of dominance and aggressiveness... But be manly about it. It's a very frustrating and conflicting place to be. This is a topic that could go for quite a while. The bottom line being, society (and therefore the legal system) claims that being married brings no rights. That we are constantly on thin ice. It's enough to make a guy say "F marriage - it's all liability and no benefit". I feel like marriage is a liability with very little benefit. I think different women want different types of men. The same way different men want different types of women. Attraction is a very interesting thing with so many variables that can effect it. Some factors are personality some are sexual chemistry, the key is finding the person with the right balance that is compatible with you. I'm so jaded at this point I don't even know if that exists. To be able to find that person you get along with so well and the sex is great, heck even if it's just good. I clearly was not the type of woman my husband wanted sexually. He lost attraction early in the marriage and shame on him for being dishonest and I really want to say shame on me for not knowing better but I honestly didn't. I was so young and naive and if I would have slept with just one man prior to my husband then maybe I would not have married him. However I did love him very much and I tried to fix things. Now I think I can find comfort and acceptance if I just get what I need from different men in my life some platonic some not platonic to bring comfort and happiness in the moment. Did you see the movie Multiplicity? Lol And I am very happy now. My life is better than it was. |
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Post by 3000more on Jul 6, 2016 16:00:15 GMT -5
Fiery , here's the thing... From a male perspective, the world of political correctness and individual entitlement / rights is a pendulum that has swung to an extreme, and we are barraged by a constant flood of messages that everything we do is wrong and offensive. FFS, a report last week claimed that complimenting a woman on her shoes is offensive! On one hand, women say they want John Wayne-style male confidence, manliness, no-BS... while the message being beat into us is that we must be the "gay BFF". We are expected to be all things emotional and passive, while perfectly suppressing all instincts of dominance and aggressiveness... But be manly about it. It's a very frustrating and conflicting place to be. This is a topic that could go for quite a while. The bottom line being, society (and therefore the legal system) claims that being married brings no rights. That we are constantly on thin ice. It's enough to make a guy say "F marriage - it's all liability and no benefit". I feel like marriage is a liability with very little benefit. I think different women want different types of men. The same way different men want different types of women. Attraction is a very interesting thing with so many variables that can effect it. Some factors are personality some are sexual chemistry, the key is finding the person with the right balance that is compatible with you. I'm so jaded at this point I don't even know if that exists. To be able to find that person you get along with so well and the sex is great, heck even if it's just good. I clearly was not the type of woman my husband wanted sexually. He lost attraction early in the marriage and shame on him for being dishonest and I really want to say shame on me for not knowing better but I honestly didn't. I was so young and naive and if I would have slept with just one man prior to my husband then maybe I would not have married him. However I did love him very much and I tried to fix things. Now I think I can find comfort and acceptance if I just get what I need from different men in my life some platonic some not platonic to bring comfort and happiness in the moment. Did you see the movie Multiplicity? Lol And I am very happy now. My life is better than it was. I just had a thought about marriage, from my personal perspective. I'm going to refine this and use it. Marriage is like communism and not being married but enjoying the company of multiple opposite sex partners for different needs is like Capitalism. I'm a stronger believer in the free market, as close to that concept as we can get.....I like it. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jul 6, 2016 17:46:03 GMT -5
This is possibly the most depressing story I've ever read about LIASM.
Please, for the love of all that is right in the world, get out! This is not a marriage, this is some kind of sick upside down world jail. Not to be confused with Opposite Land! You are in hell.
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