(Rambling) Self Preservation, and Being the Third Wheel

There is something very amusing about rants

I think I heard that one from my 8 year old 🙈
You know when you are pretending to be really cross but it sounded so good I couldn't wait to try it out!
It's become a staple lol!

From what I've heard about your refuser, that would be like offering food to an anorexic.

timeforliving2 : I appreciate and agree with your reply.  But I wanted to add just a personal note.  (This may or may not be the angle in which cagedtiger also means it.)

As sexlessness engulfed my marriage (~15 years ago), I rationalized that seeking some comfort outside of it was entirely justified.  And I managed to do that on my own, LONG before I found this forum or its predecessor.  So, trust me, I'm with you.  And, by and large, "stay and cheat" was good for me.  But during this period I really saw it as temporary; a stop-gap measure.  Believing my marriage was fixable, this would "get me through".  Outsourcing was a crutch... but a "crutch" is not a bad thing: it is a tool that you use when you need it.  When you longer need it, you put it back in the closet.  I truly believed that when my marriage was healed, I would no longer need to go outside my marriage... but it was OK for a while as an assistance.

But finding EP ILIASM made me realize that the chance of my wife "changing" and someday adopting a normal, healthy, marital sex life was basically zero.  This SUBSTANTIALLY changed the equation: it has been a year-long slugfest in my own brain, but the voice "you have to leave the marriage" is basically driving my actions now.  What do I need to do to wrap up this marriage (given my current family situation)?  What kind of man do I want to be when I'm out... when I'm free... when I'm looking for a girlfriend, or my next life partner?

On the off chance I meet someone who also was struggling with an SM and who also outsourced, well, my past decisions will be easier to disclose.  But... what if that is NOT who I meet?  It will be a very delicate exercise to reveal this.  In fact, I *want* to share this -- it is part of me, part of what I had to "go through" -- but I greatly fear the judgement it may bring.

So... I find that I find myself thinking -- like cagedtiger 's sentiments -- at least I don't want to be "that guy" who was "lying and cheating up 'til the day he got his divorce".  In this period, I'm trying to do what is right for my family, get myself in shape: physically and emotionally, financially.  I want to become the "me" that would impress the woman that I'd like to meet.  I think this is very much in the spirit of JMX 's post "do something kind for future you".

Am I open to an FWB relationship at this time?  Well, OK, I admit, yes.  I miss the friendship and intimacy.  It would be very soothing, especially if I could have that with someone pretty much in the same circumstances and it was mutually beneficial.  But I'm not "on the prowl" like I was for years and years -- because I now feel the marriage is in its waning years.  

The fact that the outside world -- and whoever I meet post-divorce -- might not be so understanding of extramarital activity IS a big consideration for me at this time.  The "band-aid" of cheating/outsourcing is just not as important to me as the "advanced surgery" of resolving my marriage, and getting on with life.

Interesting point!

I think you are suggesting "because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- and there might be some sex waiting there for me -- I'm feeling less desperate.  Therefore, the need to get my next 'fix' from my next affair is thus greatly reduced."

I think you are on to something!

He he he. Love it! It's magnificent ;D x