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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 9:48:20 GMT -5
The last couple of weekends I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends (at my wife's insistence), and it's been more than a little frustrating. Being solo in a group with single friends who are obviously attracted to each other, and watching them start flirting, then dancing, then making out, remembering what that used to feel like. Having couple friends out in the same group who obviously still like being around each other was even harder. Especially since we were all out together while my wife was at home, either in bed or on the couch watching reality TV. Granted, these were the friends I've been talking most about me marriage issues with, and they helped as best they could to try and make me not feel like a third wheel, but they deserve to have as much fun as possible.
After getting home, I'd see my wife passed out asleep in bed, and the literal heartache would kick in as I wondered, "what happened? When was the last time we were really truly both happy together?"
As a related story, the father of a childhood friend of mine passed away this past week, and the funeral was scheduled for this past Saturday in my hometown, where my parents still live. I thought long and hard about going, but decided it would be a terrible idea.
Not because of my friend, or family, or mourning a man whom I'd known and looked up to since I was a kid.
Because of another childhood friend from that circle of friends. One whom I've actively avoided for the last few years.
We met for the first time when I was 8 and she was 9, and I was instantly smitten; as we got older, she was always that beautiful, way too cool for me girl in school that I always figured I never had a chance at dating.
A little over five years ago, our paths crossed again after probably ten years of not seeing each other, and the years of attraction that had been slowly smoldering on both our parts exploded into a roaring inferno of a summer fling. Even after that summer, up until I started dating my wife, whenever I was back in my hometown, no matter where i was staying I'd somehow end up in her bed for most of the visit.
If I'd gone to the funeral this past weekend, I knew exactly what would have happened- it has almost happened at another funeral were been at together, very shortly after I'd proposed to my now wife. Back then, when we'd been happy, it had taken ever ounce of willpower I possessed to keep my hands to myself. This time, I wouldn't have been able to. Especially since she knows me so very well, and would've asked me how married life is going, and I've never been able to lie to her even when I wanted to, and we would have fallen back into old habits.
And I would've regretted it for the rest of my life.
So yeah, self-preservation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2016 10:07:37 GMT -5
What are you preserving? That ship sank long ago. Your life vest is taking on water. Meanwhile someone is standing on solid ground throwing you a line!
Here's a question for you that I ask myself. Do you wan't to live this way, rejected, for the next, one, two, twenty, thirty, years? Would you rather meet this woman under the conditions of married and sneaking around looking like a dishonest, liar, or divorced and now single and available for a new beginning?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 5, 2016 10:39:26 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I'm sympathetic. On one hand you're starving in your committed relationship, meanwhile there is a buffet within sight. Does this other woman have long-term potential, or just a short hot fire? I.e., do you regret not pursuing her instead of your wife? My last girlfriend kinda set me up with my wife, but her expectation was that I'd come back around to her after maturing a bit (which I needed). In her words, I was supposed to date W, not marry her. What a different world it would be if I'd been clued into that bit of detail earlier.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2016 10:50:40 GMT -5
cagedtiger , I'm sympathetic. On one hand you're starving in your committed relationship, meanwhile there is a buffet within sight. Does this other woman have long-term potential, or just a short hot fire? I.e., do you regret not pursuing her instead of your wife? My last girlfriend kinda set me up with my wife, but her expectation was that I'd come back around to her after maturing a bit (which I needed). In her words, I was supposed to date W, not marry her. What a different world it would be if I'd been clued into that bit of detail earlier. Great points DryCreek. Even if she's not " the one" for a long term relationship. Just the fact that " going home to an empty spouse is worse than an empty house". Let's you know about the rest of the opportunities that await in your future. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 10:54:10 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I'm sympathetic. On one hand you're starving in your committed relationship, meanwhile there is a buffet within sight. Does this other woman have long-term potential, or just a short hot fire? I.e., do you regret not pursuing her instead of your wife? My last girlfriend kinda set me up with my wife, but her expectation was that I'd come back around to her after maturing a bit (which I needed). In her words, I was supposed to date W, not marry her. What a different world it would be if I'd been clued into that bit of detail earlier. Quite honestly, if we'd reconnected ~15 years ago when there had been a narrow window that we both missed, we'd probably be married now, and probably happy. Our families were very close friends for most of our childhood, and I think most folks at the church we attended growing up assumed we'd end up together. However, fate is a cruel and wicked mistress, and a string of abusive relationships and bad circumstances have left her pretty badly damaged- she's been working through a lot of these things, but even five years later, there's still a lot more to go. We both knew it would be just a fling, or series of flings, but we both enjoyed it, and we're still good friends. She understands why it's so hard for me to be around her now. The great irony, of course, is that I thought my wife was the "safe" choice to make in this regard, and that's been far from the case. As for others I maybe should have ended up with, I could write a very, very long post about the other "shoulda, woulda, coulda's" that are honestly not more than a phone call or email away. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 5, 2016 12:34:49 GMT -5
What are you preserving? That ship sank long ago. Your life vest is taking on water. Meanwhile someone is standing on solid ground throwing you a line! Here's a question for you that I ask myself. Do you wan't to live this way, rejected, for the next, one, two, twenty, thirty, years? Would you rather meet this woman under the conditions of married and sneaking around looking like a dishonest, liar, or divorced and now single and available for a new beginning? I ask myself a variation of that question myself. I wish I had an answer I can live with. I don't want to be the dishonest, lying, cheating husband. I'm better than that. I also don't want to stay married and continue to live in pain. I'm better than that also. But I haven't been able to find my way to actually make the break from my wife for a variety of reasons. So, I'm left with living in pain by my inaction of staying married and sticking to the high road or living in pain by staying married and venturing down the outsourcing path. Which is the worse pain? I don't know. i know the right thing is to make the break and start fresh. I don't want to be even 5 years down the road and still be here. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 5, 2016 12:37:59 GMT -5
What are you worried about if you did end up with this friend, even for a brief time? Is that worse than what happens if you do nothing and don't reconnect?
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 13:28:11 GMT -5
What are you worried about if you did end up with this friend, even for a brief time? Is that worse than what happens if you do nothing and don't reconnect? Because, like you, I don't want to be the cheating, lying husband. And I'm also still here for a variety of reasons that need time to resolve for a lot of reasons . |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2016 13:35:01 GMT -5
What are you worried about if you did end up with this friend, even for a brief time? Is that worse than what happens if you do nothing and don't reconnect? Because, like you, I don't want to be the cheating, lying husband. And I'm also still here for a variety of reasons that need time to resolve for a lot of reasons . The important part is you are gaining ground! I like your time with your friends. What would it be like to drag your spouse along, let her sit in the corner, and be jealous of you having a good time and being accepted for the person you really are? ( just thinking out loud here?) This will make an excellent journal for you to look back on at the end of this summer, and this fall. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 13:37:10 GMT -5
Because, like you, I don't want to be the cheating, lying husband. And I'm also still here for a variety of reasons that need time to resolve for a lot of reasons . The important part is you are gaining ground! I like your time with your friends. What would it be like to drag your spouse along, let her sit in the corner, and be jealous of you having a good time and being accepted for the person you really are? ( just thinking out loud here?) This will make an excellent journal for you to look back on at the end of this summer, and this fall. We've tried that-anxiety kicks in hardcore, then she starts feeling bad for ruining my good time, and it turns into a very nasty, very steep downward spiral... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2016 13:50:35 GMT -5
The important part is you are gaining ground! I like your time with your friends. What would it be like to drag your spouse along, let her sit in the corner, and be jealous of you having a good time and being accepted for the person you really are? ( just thinking out loud here?) This will make an excellent journal for you to look back on at the end of this summer, and this fall. We've tried that-anxiety kicks in hardcore, then she starts feeling bad for ruining my good time, and it turns into a very nasty, very steep downward spiral... And you want to be there for her! You want to be that night in shinning armor and come to her rescue! You are meant to be that person, you truly are a warrior. Yet, some battles can not be won by others. Battles of the heart and spirit have to be one individually. Even rescuers eventually Need to be rescued. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 5, 2016 14:09:31 GMT -5
It's very admirable that you won't cheat. I give you a lot of credit.
I was faithful for 21 years but I got to a point that I had to escape one way or another.
Set a timetable for yourself. I can tell you already know what you want to do deep down. Put into play a game plan to accomplish your goal/ exit.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 14:28:05 GMT -5
Rule #1: If you have single friends, only run with them on Hunting and Fishing trips. Never with couples. I don't care how happily married you are, hot single chicks make you wish you weren't!
Rule #2: Never dwell on the Couldas, Shouldas, or Wouldas. No good comes from these. We always romanticize and extrapolate them in positive directions.
I like to think had I married X or Y, I would have destroyed them and made both of us miserable. If my wife is miserable, she deserves it!
Consider this: I was at a motorcycle race this weekend filled with half naked kids -- and quite a few half naked adults my age!! It's really easy for me to fondly remember those days from the perspective of my old age. But the truth was -- If I remember it correctly -- Those days normally ended up getting me beaten up by other guys, police, the ground, or a vehicle, and spending the rest of the weekend in jail or a hospital. It all seems like great fun from the outside.
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Post by baza on Jul 5, 2016 18:34:30 GMT -5
I see you are using the term "self preservation" Brother caged.
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*What* do you figure you are actually preserving here ?
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It reads like you are going to great lengths and sacrifices, for what ?
To prolong an ILIASM shithole ?
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Post by Caris on Jul 5, 2016 19:32:42 GMT -5
Dear cagedtiger, It's strange how we hold on trying to preserve what cannot be preserved. It's like trying to save smoke – something without substance – but our poor and confused minds, suffering the trauma of our predicament, warps our thinking, and it only gets worse over time. I feel for you because I've been there. It's a hell of a place to even attempt an escape. It's like brainwashing or the Alcatraz of our mind. It keeps us locked in. I'm not the person to be giving advice because the "solution" is different for each one of us...if it can even be called a solution...but think–think deeply about what you really want for your life, and what you don't want. You may surprise yourself. |
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