Post by JMX on Jul 4, 2016 11:36:31 GMT -5
I have had a couple of interesting weeks. H has given me the full-court press as far as being nice (mostly) attentive (mostly) and affectionate. Were this 10-11 years ago, I would never have landed here. Without the void or gap in the relationship, this would be a normal, basically healthy coupling.
But I know better.
The night before my second visit with my lawyer, I tried to press husband one more time to please work with me on getting an agreement together because I really wanted his input to make this more civil. He said he didn't want a divorce and did not want to discuss the terms. He sounded hurt and I hurt for him too. If I am being honest, his hurt made me want to stick around a little longer. I thought "so, there's still a chance?" Awe, Dumb and Dumber!
My second visit with my lawyer went well, we got more numbers together and came up with yet another plan to try and get H on board and working with me on the terms of divorce. This was folly. I should have told my lawyer that getting him to compromise was just not in the cards for me. I have a hard time being both nice and FIRM when it comes to him. I wear down too easily. I still love him and don't want to blow up my family if even the most REMOTE of possibility exists.
Cut to a couple of comments from well-meaning friends that know my situation (these are recent and I usually never hear this side from friends):
"You know, when you get divorced and find someone else, you're just trading your current problems for other ones."
"How old are your girls? 13 and 7? Man, my son was 13 when I got divorced and he got into drugs. I wish I could take that back and have a do-over. I never would have gotten divorced."
Sigh.
The onslaught of being what I needed from him has continued, and I took my foot off of the gas pedal. He is joyfully doing things around the house, takes things off of my plate, is almost chivalrous - refusing to let me carry a lawn chair one time (for example). Even my friend gave me a side-ways glance like, who the F is this? He is affectionate with me, has chilled on the video games (seriously, it's rare to find him even playing one now).
He has put back on his wedding ring. I have left mine in the jewelry box. I told him I cannot trust this "new him" in light of the last 11 years, but specifically, the cold and callous way he treated me over the last 8 months. I am not sure I feel passion from him(or even for him) but I would most certainly call it "warmth". The warmth at least feels genuine. I don't remember what the passion feels like.
We had reset pretty much all night one night (get out your pitchforks) and not only was it NOT terrible, I had been so pent up from 7 months of nothing, that I have to say I enjoyed it. The next morning, I told him he was the Ike Turner of emotional abuse. We laughed about that - but I shouldn't have made a joke about it, it's not funny.
Still not sure what to make of how I feel about any of that. The sex is continuing on a regular basis, I do not initiate, and were it not for the emotional damage already incurred, I would not have any misgivings. But there is the history and there is how I feel about the history and there is what is going on right now. None of it makes sense to me, but I am trying not to put too much weight to either side while I am figuring out how to survive by myself.
We have had a couple of silly fights. The difference is - he is actually telling me how he feels and voicing it, rather than clamming up and quietly punishing me for my different opinion without me even knowing. One of them in particular, I woke up the next morning thinking, "well, this is why he doesn't talk or argue with me, he's too stupid to match me," and I figured it was still over and just a matter of time. He called later that day while I was at work to apologize for being a dick and he knew he was out of line. Ummm... Not only is he arguing with me, but he is apologizing when he knows he is wrong? Who is this person I am living with, really? I thanked him for his apology, but told him I found it refreshing that he was willing to fight about it and I hope he continues to voice his opinion, even if it is uncomfortable and even if we will never agree about a particular topic.
I started a new job on Friday and I am a little busy trying to figure it out. I am also frightened about how it is going to shake out, although, over the long term, it is probably the best move - especially if/when I become single. It should definitely solve my debt situation and I could come out of it financially secure. It needs proper attention on my part to make this happen.
I maintain the guest room as my bedroom even though I now sleep in the master bedroom with him again. I maintain my separate account and pay bills out of it and our joint account. I am continuing individual therapy while I wade my way through how I feel. I got a recommend for a couple's counselor from my individual therapist when I expressed I need someone that will not let him get away with one word answers to open-ended questions. I read up about her recommendation, and I think he is the right fit. I need to approach H on therapy once again. If he is reluctant, of course, it is over because there is no way for me to get through this relationship without closure on the old way. Even if it is the waiting room to the divorce lawyer, I suppose while I am here working on me, I can at least work on us just to see.
Some issues I am seeing with me and I am working through with my therapist (who by the way, compliments me all the time on my self awareness!):
1.) I have noticed that I am not as gung-ho about my diet. I fell off the wagon but have maintained where I am at. I think if I really think about it, I don't trust that he will take care of me if I was ever sick or couldn't make money. I think I am testing those waters because I want him to be there for me. I need to work on that and me, specifically. Me first, relationship second.
2.) I was buying him unhealthy lunches to take to work. My evil, dark heart wanted to keep him fat so that he was less-palatable to others. Country fried chicken or steak with mashed potatoes, etc. I am such a jealous wench. That's not love on my part either.
3.) I know the next time divorce discussions need to happen, they can not actually be in the form of discussion. I will have to serve him and get it over with. All of this encouraging by my lawyer (even though he is a good lawyer) to compromise and work on it together for a cheaper solution is not good for me, and not conducive to actually getting it done in this situation. I cannot do it that way.
4.) I feel much better about what I used to know was an issue - I think that I could find another lover, pretty easily, actually. I finally feel better about myself and I know I would make a good partner to someone who deserved me. I am engaging and charismatic and I can attract others pretty easily.
5.) I am not quite ready to blow up my family.
6.) I wouldn't call it cautiously optimistic because I don't think I am optimistic about this situation. I am still working out how I was so solidly on the side of divorce, and pulled back with a couple of weeks worth of effort on his part.
Anyway, that was long and disjointed. Sorry for being all over the place, but it is an update on where I am at currently.
But I know better.
The night before my second visit with my lawyer, I tried to press husband one more time to please work with me on getting an agreement together because I really wanted his input to make this more civil. He said he didn't want a divorce and did not want to discuss the terms. He sounded hurt and I hurt for him too. If I am being honest, his hurt made me want to stick around a little longer. I thought "so, there's still a chance?" Awe, Dumb and Dumber!
My second visit with my lawyer went well, we got more numbers together and came up with yet another plan to try and get H on board and working with me on the terms of divorce. This was folly. I should have told my lawyer that getting him to compromise was just not in the cards for me. I have a hard time being both nice and FIRM when it comes to him. I wear down too easily. I still love him and don't want to blow up my family if even the most REMOTE of possibility exists.
Cut to a couple of comments from well-meaning friends that know my situation (these are recent and I usually never hear this side from friends):
"You know, when you get divorced and find someone else, you're just trading your current problems for other ones."
"How old are your girls? 13 and 7? Man, my son was 13 when I got divorced and he got into drugs. I wish I could take that back and have a do-over. I never would have gotten divorced."
Sigh.
The onslaught of being what I needed from him has continued, and I took my foot off of the gas pedal. He is joyfully doing things around the house, takes things off of my plate, is almost chivalrous - refusing to let me carry a lawn chair one time (for example). Even my friend gave me a side-ways glance like, who the F is this? He is affectionate with me, has chilled on the video games (seriously, it's rare to find him even playing one now).
He has put back on his wedding ring. I have left mine in the jewelry box. I told him I cannot trust this "new him" in light of the last 11 years, but specifically, the cold and callous way he treated me over the last 8 months. I am not sure I feel passion from him(or even for him) but I would most certainly call it "warmth". The warmth at least feels genuine. I don't remember what the passion feels like.
We had reset pretty much all night one night (get out your pitchforks) and not only was it NOT terrible, I had been so pent up from 7 months of nothing, that I have to say I enjoyed it. The next morning, I told him he was the Ike Turner of emotional abuse. We laughed about that - but I shouldn't have made a joke about it, it's not funny.
Still not sure what to make of how I feel about any of that. The sex is continuing on a regular basis, I do not initiate, and were it not for the emotional damage already incurred, I would not have any misgivings. But there is the history and there is how I feel about the history and there is what is going on right now. None of it makes sense to me, but I am trying not to put too much weight to either side while I am figuring out how to survive by myself.
We have had a couple of silly fights. The difference is - he is actually telling me how he feels and voicing it, rather than clamming up and quietly punishing me for my different opinion without me even knowing. One of them in particular, I woke up the next morning thinking, "well, this is why he doesn't talk or argue with me, he's too stupid to match me," and I figured it was still over and just a matter of time. He called later that day while I was at work to apologize for being a dick and he knew he was out of line. Ummm... Not only is he arguing with me, but he is apologizing when he knows he is wrong? Who is this person I am living with, really? I thanked him for his apology, but told him I found it refreshing that he was willing to fight about it and I hope he continues to voice his opinion, even if it is uncomfortable and even if we will never agree about a particular topic.
I started a new job on Friday and I am a little busy trying to figure it out. I am also frightened about how it is going to shake out, although, over the long term, it is probably the best move - especially if/when I become single. It should definitely solve my debt situation and I could come out of it financially secure. It needs proper attention on my part to make this happen.
I maintain the guest room as my bedroom even though I now sleep in the master bedroom with him again. I maintain my separate account and pay bills out of it and our joint account. I am continuing individual therapy while I wade my way through how I feel. I got a recommend for a couple's counselor from my individual therapist when I expressed I need someone that will not let him get away with one word answers to open-ended questions. I read up about her recommendation, and I think he is the right fit. I need to approach H on therapy once again. If he is reluctant, of course, it is over because there is no way for me to get through this relationship without closure on the old way. Even if it is the waiting room to the divorce lawyer, I suppose while I am here working on me, I can at least work on us just to see.
Some issues I am seeing with me and I am working through with my therapist (who by the way, compliments me all the time on my self awareness!):
1.) I have noticed that I am not as gung-ho about my diet. I fell off the wagon but have maintained where I am at. I think if I really think about it, I don't trust that he will take care of me if I was ever sick or couldn't make money. I think I am testing those waters because I want him to be there for me. I need to work on that and me, specifically. Me first, relationship second.
2.) I was buying him unhealthy lunches to take to work. My evil, dark heart wanted to keep him fat so that he was less-palatable to others. Country fried chicken or steak with mashed potatoes, etc. I am such a jealous wench. That's not love on my part either.
3.) I know the next time divorce discussions need to happen, they can not actually be in the form of discussion. I will have to serve him and get it over with. All of this encouraging by my lawyer (even though he is a good lawyer) to compromise and work on it together for a cheaper solution is not good for me, and not conducive to actually getting it done in this situation. I cannot do it that way.
4.) I feel much better about what I used to know was an issue - I think that I could find another lover, pretty easily, actually. I finally feel better about myself and I know I would make a good partner to someone who deserved me. I am engaging and charismatic and I can attract others pretty easily.
5.) I am not quite ready to blow up my family.
6.) I wouldn't call it cautiously optimistic because I don't think I am optimistic about this situation. I am still working out how I was so solidly on the side of divorce, and pulled back with a couple of weeks worth of effort on his part.
Anyway, that was long and disjointed. Sorry for being all over the place, but it is an update on where I am at currently.
