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Post by JMX on Jul 4, 2016 18:55:29 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Jul 4, 2016 19:31:58 GMT -5
You've got a golden opportunity here to resolve at least one of your problems. The financial situation.
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Irrespective of what may happen with the marriage, you need to get YOUR financial (and I do mean *YOUR* - JMX's) affairs divorced from a joint situation and in to a "his" and "your" situation and end the "our" financial situation.
In other words, YOU need to be paddling YOUR financial canoe - and he needs to be paddling HIS financial canoe.
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He has a proven record of financial irresponsibilty, and that has hurt you in the past, is hurting you now, and will continue to hurt you (if you let it) in the future.
You need to split the financial affairs, just like you were divorcing - whether you actually divorce him or not.
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From this position, of two financially independent individuals, you might choose to physically stay together, or not.
That is an entirely different issue.
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You do NOT want to be in a "Financial Partnership" with this bloke.
Get the financial split done, and signed off.
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What you might then do about remaining in some other type of partnership is another matter completely, but it is imperative that you claim your financial independence.
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Addendum.
In my jurisdiction, you can handle a split of finances whilst still married under a "Binding Financial Agreement". Might be called something different in your jurisdiction. Ask your lawyer.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 4, 2016 19:33:20 GMT -5
Maybe we have talked about this before I hope it's good to bring it up now. When you and your husband have, " conversations" I remember you saying something like," I like to debate, or I like to discuss every angle of every issue ?" Your husband doesn't sound like that. ( I'm not like that) here's where generalizations between men and women come s into play. I would recommend you and your husband watch an episode of Mark Gungor's " the difference between a Man's Brain and a Woman's Brain".you can find it on utube. ( yes it has a religious tone to it) he does this skit were the wife has her head stuck in the dryer as she continues to " talk" with her husband, changing the subject three times, and his mind is still on what's for dinner? How men use compartmentalizations, " boxes" when they think.
Your man might have ADD. Something a councilor can test him for.
Thanks for letting us know how you are doing, and sharing your journey, Congratulations on the new job!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 20:36:36 GMT -5
You're not blowing anything up.
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 4, 2016 21:56:18 GMT -5
...I still love him and don't want to blow up my family if even the most REMOTE of possibility exists. ...4.) I feel much better about what I used to know was an issue - I think that I could find another lover, pretty easily, actually. I finally feel better about myself and I know I would make a good partner to someone who deserved me. I am engaging and charismatic and I can attract others pretty easily. 5.) I am not quite ready to blow up my family. 6.) I wouldn't call it cautiously optimistic because I don't think I am optimistic about this situation. I am still working out how I was so solidly on the side of divorce, and pulled back with a couple of weeks worth of effort on his part. jmx, I like the points you made above. You are in a strong position and in control. I've observed often enough how spouses change when faced with losing a loved one. But your case differs because you still love him. Time will tell whether such change is enough to save a marriage and family. Best wishes. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 5:39:00 GMT -5
JMX I definitely notice a difference in tone in how you're describing the current situation - less hopeless, and more action-plan oriented. @smartkat, bballgirl, @helentishappy and @mountainrunner covered the questions/issues I would've raised, much better than I could have. Two things immediately struck me about your post, 1) you acknowledge that the "discussions" are not leading anywhere really (amd you mention serving him the papers), and 2) you are staying in individual therapy. Both show your own movement forward, and I hope you take a moment to acknowledge your own progress on practicing self-care. Friends will give you al sorts of advice, but NONE of them can KNOW what it's like to be in your situation. Only you do, and ultimately, your decision is the ONLY one that matters. You're a rock star, JMX! Hugs
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2016 11:13:22 GMT -5
This makes me wonder if there's a way that you can preserve the new motivation of the impending divorce indefinitely.
What you describe speaks volumes about how well you've communicated your needs and the fact that he's actually listened. I have to believe the new motivation you're seeing has to be good for your husband, and that he's actually enjoying serving your needs like a proper husband should. If only there were a way to ingrain that discipline -- and the joy that comes with it -- indefinitely.
I know you fully understand that kids are their own people, and they're responsible for their own actions. The one thing that intact families does automatically is make family life easier for everyone. Mom and Dad in the same place sure makes holidays easier. But beyond that, teaching a culture of behavior and beliefs requires a unified front to be really effective. And you've mentioned that your husband's life philosophy is no more than propagation of genetics which I assume he's finished with already, so I doubt he has much more of value to contribute to the raising of kids. For that, I'm truly sorry.
And great (and accurate) attitude toward your future prospects relationally. You'll find your only trouble will be beating the losers off with sticks and choosing between multiple competing winners. That's always tough.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 5, 2016 16:58:28 GMT -5
@creelunion , based on first-hand observations in my life, I'd characterize Mr. JMX as being challenged with willpower, self-discipline, and self-metering. There isn't anything inherently wrong with his interests, per se. It's his priorities and allowing it to engulf him. For some folks, once they start, they're unable to stop for other responsibilities - even though they can hit pause and resume later without missing a thing! It's not like when we were kids, and Road Runner was only on for 30 mins on Saturday morning - if you missed it, you missed it. Today they have total control, but they have a hard time exercising it. |
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Post by JMX on Jul 7, 2016 0:14:33 GMT -5
Thank you all for your comments. It's a truly bizarre time for me. For example, when he sleeps now, he would usually turn away from me - this for years. Now, every night, he is more in the middle of the bed and turns towards me. He falls asleep this way and stays this way all night.
He ends all of our conversations on the phone with "I love you". He didn't do that before.
He cares about my opinion now, and asks for it most times.
Seriously, it's weird.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 7, 2016 0:44:03 GMT -5
JMX , whatever you put in his morning coffee, keep giving it to him! ;-) And *please* share!
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Post by JMX on Jul 7, 2016 7:24:12 GMT -5
If there's anything of merit and not just your run-of-the-mill refuser reset behavior, I will definitely share. Right now, I am chalking it up to me making more money and him not wanting to lose his more comfortable life with me and being away from his family. Those would be reasonable things to consider and try for a normal person, but, again... history.
I kind of like the "wait it out for a year" suggestion.
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Post by baza on Jul 7, 2016 7:41:59 GMT -5
I think the financial aspects are likely a key driver here, but there's one way of finding out.
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"If" you move toward that split of finances from a "joint" situation to "your" share and "his" share (which is a really good idea irrespective of whether you maintain a relationship with him or not) I reckon you'll find out the truth of the matter.
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If he is on the level, hell be fully on board with such a split.
If he is just bullshitting you, then he will most definitely NOT be in favour of such a split.
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This probably boils down to whether you want to find out or not.
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Post by JMX on Jul 7, 2016 10:30:00 GMT -5
baza - the thing is, he still actively lets me control all of the money. So, his direct deposit goes into our checking account. I pay stuff out of both accounts and he never questions what is done with the money at all. He doesn't want the problems that come with the management of the money, I am sure about that, but if I tell him "yeah, don't spend anything this week" he complies. He takes frozen dinners to lunch and has basically not asked for anything except for new socks. Again, weird, but.., oh well. I guess we will see.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 7, 2016 10:41:48 GMT -5
baza - the thing is, he still actively lets me control all of the money. So, his direct deposit goes into our checking account. I pay stuff out of both accounts and he never questions what is done with the money at all. He doesn't want the problems that come with the management of the money, I am sure about that, but if I tell him "yeah, don't spend anything this week" he complies. He takes frozen dinners to lunch and has basically not asked for anything except for new socks. Again, weird, but.., oh well. I guess we will see. J I am honestly really happy for you that he is behaving so differently and I know you love him and don't want to break up your home. So maybe I am being an ass, but you know that what you are describing above is not what you want in a husband. You need a partner who is as strong as you are and will take life by the balls, holding your hand as you move forward together. Now might not be the right time, and I hope you don't hate me for saying it, but you have so much more living to do and so much more to give, and at some point I think you might need some more freedom to do it. |
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Post by JMX on Jul 7, 2016 14:51:24 GMT -5
unmatched - I don't think you're being an ass at all. He has been grabbing some things by the balls, maybe not the money, but currently, that's okay with me. Rome wasn't built in a day and although it feels more like the ruins, well, there are some areas he is rebuilding and some areas he has not gotten to - which I think counseling will help. So, as far as I have gotten in that I *could* find someone else - my question is, would I ever find a better right person for me? I do not have the answer for that. I don't believe in soul mates even when I think we are maybe not quite right for each other. I think, for now, I will let HIM water the grass and see what happens. But I won't wait around forever.
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