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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 11:22:45 GMT -5
Some background: It's been one-year since I became single, and living alone. I haven't dated anyone, or even made friends of any gender. In fact because of the harsh winters, I became a bit of a hermit again. However, now it's summer, my new goal is to develop a social life, (my first goal last year was to actually leave the house, which I've now overcome), which is really very easy to do in this location, even though for some reason only known to my own psyche, I have resisted.
I've joined a few groups, but only managed to get to one because of my reluctance to be with others. I'm not scared of socializing, and I'm actually friendly, and can carry a conversation, but I think it's because I don't want to talk about my own life...or engage in small talk...which is tedious to me. I've cancelled so many RSVPs, but my reasoning is that I'll go when I'm ready to go, and if I really wanted to go, then I'd go, so I'm not too concerned about it, even though life can be very lonely.
So now back to my question...what does this mean?
I don't know how to relate to men anymore. I can talk to any man as a regular human being because I tend to see people as people first, but I'm so out of orbit about men and what they mean when they say to contact them.
Three men, at three different times, have given me their contact info, and said to text, call, email etc, so we can get together and share a mutual interest...one which is walking. I said that I would, but I never have. At first, I think "great, would love to do that," but then I start thinking..."what if this is a romantic overture?" "What if I contact him, does that mean he thinks I like him?" I don't like anyone romantically...except EP man...and that's nothing more than memories now even though I still love him.
The truth is, I'm not ready for romance...not even sure I will ever be, except maybe Baz is right when he says it takes one year for every year of a SM to heal. That would mean I've got 4-more years to go.
You know how I know I'm not ready? Because anything about romance or sex makes me want to cry, so I stay away from it. I guess I still need those 4-years. I actually think I would cry if I knew a man liked me in a romantic way...yes there is still the pain of 25-years of rejection buried not too deeply within me.
Anyway, back in the day, I never contacted any man first. They asked me out, so now 27 years later, I don't know what this "contact me" means. My world view is different because I only have the past of nearly 30-years ago to go on. It's all changed since then.
I won't contact these men because I don't want the chance that they think I like them romantically...which I don't...but I don't want them thinking it, and I've realized why – because if they think I like them, they may reject me, and I can't deal with that. See how bloody screwed up my SM has affected my thinking. But regardless, what does it mean? Is it purely platonic? If I knew for sure, I would contact them, but I can't be sure.
I'm babbling. It's all too convoluted in this brain of mine. I think I have CPTSD in the realm of human relationships. It's all changed, and I don't understand this role reversal where men ask me to contact them.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2016 11:33:33 GMT -5
I understand the fear of rejection and that takes time to overcome. I think if you want to contact these men to be friends then you should. I have quite a few platonic male friends that call me on the phone. One does almost every day. You can tell them you just want to be friends. Hugs  |
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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 12:17:34 GMT -5
bballgirl, My understanding of men is that they only become platonic friends with women they want to sleep with, if things were different. I could be wrong about this. I know my thoughts are irrational. I don't want any man thinking anything sexual or romantic about me. Yeah, how is that for mind control and a mind f**k? If I were 100% sure that a man saw me as purely platonic, I would contact them...all three of them. I just can't deal with the off chance they would think of me in a sexual way. I'm fully aware my thinking is screwed up to the hilt because I can't control another person's thoughts, but the thought that a man would think of me as a sexual being makes me freeze...like what is he up to, why would he think of me that way, what's his game? 25-years of mind games and sexual rejection has a way of rewiring one's neural pathways...unfortunately.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 13:24:11 GMT -5
bballgirl , My understanding of men is that they only become platonic friends with women they want to sleep with, if things were different. I could be wrong about this. Car, your not entirely wrong, but I'd correct the logic to reflect what I call the "Undeniable Truth". Bear in mind, that it's been denied MANY times, but it seems to me the arguments against it are weak. Men -- and I believe this applies equally but differently to women -- will develop romantic feelings toward anyone of the opposite gender with whom they have developed a Platonic relationship. It just takes time and exposure. I guess this stems from the fact that "Real" platonic and romantic relationships differ in only one relatively small detail. All the other components are the same. So, I'd say that if you're not interested in fostering romantic relationships, you're well served to avoid platonic ones with men. And this was my attitude when I got married. I stopped all the fun stuff with "Platonic" female relationships. I know where they go. So, you're not comfortable being looked at by a man in a romantic context? No problem. I'm sure there are plenty of women that want a walking ir cycling partner. I'd say the relationships within one's own gender are less complicated anyway. Do enjoy those for now. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 13:27:06 GMT -5
Also, Caris, you're mind is fine. You're reasoning capacity is impeccable. Unless I'm nuts -- and I refuse to believe I am -- you're processing the world around you very well. Seriously. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2016 13:30:36 GMT -5
bballgirl, My understanding of men is that they only become platonic friends with women they want to sleep with, if things were different. I could be wrong about this. I know my thoughts are irrational. I don't want any man thinking anything sexual or romantic about me. Yeah, how is that for mind control and a mind f**k? If I were 100% sure that a man saw me as purely platonic, I would contact them...all three of them. I just can't deal with the off chance they would think of me in a sexual way. I'm fully aware my thinking is screwed up to the hilt because I can't control another person's thoughts, but the thought that a man would think of me as a sexual being makes me freeze...like what is he up to, why would he think of me that way, what's his game? 25-years of mind games and sexual rejection has a way of rewiring one's neural pathways...unfortunately. I understand completely and it doesn't sound totally irrational because I think in some cases there is some truth to what you wrote in the first paragraph with some people. However would want to sleep with and crossing the friendship line has a lot of ground to cover unless both people are wanting it. It sounds to me like you are just not ready to be around men yet. That takes time and it's important for yourself to do it when you are ready. Trust me the men will always be there. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 3, 2016 13:34:47 GMT -5
bballgirl , My understanding of men is that they only become platonic friends with women they want to sleep with, if things were different. I could be wrong about this. I know my thoughts are irrational. I don't want any man thinking anything sexual or romantic about me. Yeah, how is that for mind control and a mind f**k? If I were 100% sure that a man saw me as purely platonic, I would contact them...all three of them. I just can't deal with the off chance they would think of me in a sexual way. I'm fully aware my thinking is screwed up to the hilt because I can't control another person's thoughts, but the thought that a man would think of me as a sexual being makes me freeze...like what is he up to, why would he think of me that way, what's his game? 25-years of mind games and sexual rejection has a way of rewiring one's neural pathways...unfortunately. I have had a number of close relationships with women over the years. Some of them I fancied, some I didn't. Some had very clear boundaries and some didn't. But I found it was very possible to have a platonic relationship with a woman regardless of whether I might have liked to have sex with them or not. So if you met one of these men and he was attracted to you but you were both very clear that this was a friendship only, would you still want to be his friend? |
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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 13:50:15 GMT -5
@creelunion, you are a kind man, and I love you for it...platonic love. Lol 🙂
The group I was with yesterday was all women, and I think you are right...start my fledgling social life with mainly women groups, although there will be male members attending sometimes. One step at a time.
Thanks dear. 😘 Platonic kiss.
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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 13:53:23 GMT -5
bballgirl, Yes, just leave the men out of my life. I'm not ready. There is still a (lonely) part of me that wants touch and male affection, but I guess I'm just not at that point yet where I can deal with it. Hugs 🙅🏼
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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 14:02:59 GMT -5
unmatched, I really don't know, but perhaps that would depend on the man. So far, I've not been attracted to any man that I've spoken with, and who asked me to contact him. I could like all three as a person in his own right, but not in any romantic sense, so my answer is I'd feel uncomfortable knowing a guy was attracted to me when I wasn't attracted to him. I think I'd also feel uncomfortable knowing there was mutual attraction too, but as that hasn't happened, (since my divorce), then it's not in my experience to know. It's best I just avoid men for the time being, at least, unless I know he's an asexual. I could feel very comfortable with an asexual. No games, no hidden motives, I'd know it was purely platonic, so I would not feel threatened.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 14:38:05 GMT -5
@creelunion , you are a kind man, and I love you for it...platonic love. Lol 🙂 The group I was with yesterday was all women, and I think you are right...start my fledgling social life with mainly women groups, although there will be male members attending sometimes. One step at a time. Thanks dear. 😘 Platonic kiss. Awe Car, you're Sooo welcome. You know love you too. But, that's the first time you've reciprocated. Our relationship is blossoming! |
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Post by Caris on Jul 3, 2016 16:01:59 GMT -5
@creelunion, that's because I feel safe. I feel safe when there are no ulterior motives, and I think you are one of the good guys. You are also very supportive to us women here.
Safety and support...what a concept. I bet more women would respond to men much better if they felt these two things first, in any relationship. It's like I could breathe easy knowing I can just enjoy a man's company without him resorting to manipulation and games, and wanting more from me that I'm just not ready to give.
Your wife is a lucky lady, whether she knows it or not, and you are handsome as a bonus. 🙂
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Post by obobfla on Jul 3, 2016 17:30:23 GMT -5
Caris, I have had plenty of platonic female friends. At first, I may have wanted to sleep with some of them. But I am glad I didn't. Having a platonic friend of the opposite sex has been one of the best experiences of my life. When I got married, I did not give them up. My wife had to accept them if she was going to accept me. How have I kept them platonic? We've gotten to know each other so well that we wouldn't want a sexual relationship. It wouldn't work. We would end up hating each other. But we can talk about sex, relationships, and other matters. Trust me, I have learned a lot from them. I understand why you would want to wait on getting into a relationship, and I don't blame you. But if you make friends, let your friends know what you want. Just don't expect any princes to come rescue you and live happily ever after. Work on being happy for a day first.
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Post by baza on Jul 3, 2016 19:07:32 GMT -5
It reads like you are former member Carissimi, if that's right, welcome back.
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It also reads like wouldn't mind carefully dipping your toe in the waters again - "IF" certain pre-requisites could be sorted out beforehand, so you could go forward at your presently preferred pace.
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I'm not going to make any suggestions about how you might dip the toe back in. That's entirely your call to make. In your own good time.
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But I am going to make this observation -
If indeed you are the former Carissimi, you are - today - quite a bit ahead of where you were from months ago in your postings on EP and then on here, and as such, that's worthy of putting a tick in the "Win" column under the heading "Am I Sorting Myself Out".
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You ARE making progress Sister cari.
Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but progress none the less.
And, if you are feeling a tad frustrated at the pace of your progress, that's a good thing.
It may indicate that you are ready to put a bit of (managable) pressure on yourself and take another step forward.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 3:13:51 GMT -5
bballgirl , My understanding of men is that they only become platonic friends with women they want to sleep with, if things were different. I could be wrong about this. I know my thoughts are irrational. I don't want any man thinking anything sexual or romantic about me. Yeah, how is that for mind control and a mind f**k? If I were 100% sure that a man saw me as purely platonic, I would contact them...all three of them. I just can't deal with the off chance they would think of me in a sexual way. I'm fully aware my thinking is screwed up to the hilt because I can't control another person's thoughts, but the thought that a man would think of me as a sexual being makes me freeze...like what is he up to, why would he think of me that way, what's his game? 25-years of mind games and sexual rejection has a way of rewiring one's neural pathways...unfortunately. I have had a number of close relationships with women over the years. Some of them I fancied, some I didn't. Some had very clear boundaries and some didn't. But I found it was very possible to have a platonic relationship with a woman regardless of whether I might have liked to have sex with them or not. So if you met one of these men and he was attracted to you but you were both very clear that this was a friendship only, would you still want to be his friend? Ok so I have some female confidantes who are on the bodacious side, so I ask myself, would I sleep with them if things were different? And it really depends what different looks like. If I was single and looking and they were single and looking, and we shared a glance on the subway, yes, I would want to. But the thing is I'm not looking. I'm happy with someone, and if God forbid one day I am without her, I don't intend to look again. And my friends know that. It's the same as with any relationship, you have to have the same expectations. I have my romantic deal and they have theirs. We're after something else. |
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