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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 9:18:22 GMT -5
It's best I just avoid men for the time being, at least, unless I know he's an asexual. I could feel very comfortable with an asexual. No games, no hidden motives, I'd know it was purely platonic, so I would not feel threatened. Car, I'd recommend considering this concept carefully. I'd hate for you to find out the hard way that there's no such thing as an Asexual that's actually walking the streets and participating in groups. I've reasoned this concept into the "Nice Guy" bin. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 5, 2016 15:04:44 GMT -5
bazaHi Baz, nice to see you again. Definitely a tough first year, but also a year of discovery...realizing things I thought I wanted, I don't, and vice versa. I am doing better than 12-months ago. I live in a great place, and I've just dipped my toe into the social scene for the first time in 10-years. It's only hiking and biking, but I enjoy it, with my group of ladies. I could actually go out 7-days/nights a week here if I wanted to, which I don't, but it's nice to know the opportunities are there. I'm starting with female groups just to get myself mixing with people again, and like I said, I'm not ready for anything romantic. I just feel uncomfortable contacting a man who has given me his number because I don't know what that means. I won't worry about it. I'm just doing my own thing, and what will be will be.
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Post by Caris on Jul 5, 2016 15:36:37 GMT -5
It's best I just avoid men for the time being, at least, unless I know he's an asexual. I could feel very comfortable with an asexual. No games, no hidden motives, I'd know it was purely platonic, so I would not feel threatened. Car, I'd recommend considering this concept carefully. I'd hate for you to find out the hard way that there's no such thing as an Asexual that's actually walking the streets and participating in groups. I've reasoned this concept into the "Nice Guy" bin. Creel, I'm sure there are true asexuals. As long as they don't have cold hearts, I'd feel safe with one. |
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Post by JMX on Jul 7, 2016 18:19:44 GMT -5
Oh Caris ! Good to see you back  I wish for you a fun, gay best friend. Platonic, male, no strings attached, maybe not cold at all! Well, at least I would prefer a gay best guy friend over an asexual. So good to see you back though! Summer "looks" good on you! |
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Post by Caris on Jul 7, 2016 18:24:58 GMT -5
Oh Caris ! Good to see you back I wish for you a fun, gay best friend. Platonic, male, no strings attached, maybe not cold at all! Well, at least I would prefer a gay best guy friend over an asexual. So good to see you back though! Summer "looks" good on you! Lol dear jmx. 🙂 I'd love a platonic male friend or more. Thanks for your good wishes, and nice to see you too. 😊 |
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Post by 3000more on Jul 7, 2016 18:42:28 GMT -5
Oh Caris ! Good to see you back I wish for you a fun, gay best friend. Platonic, male, no strings attached, maybe not cold at all! Well, at least I would prefer a gay best guy friend over an asexual. So good to see you back though! Summer "looks" good on you! JMX you nailed it. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 19:53:14 GMT -5
Gay male friends are great! You get the male energy, without the problematic aspects. And no matter what your love life is like - it's ALWAYS a good idea to make and keep female friends. The friends are one of the best things about being female.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 8, 2016 4:55:07 GMT -5
I've been in a similar place for many years - in that, after my first marriage broke up, I was fine socializing with both men and women so long as it was firmly established that there was no question of a romantic entanglement or a committed relationship. Hell, I even had one or two sexual encounters where it was clear it was a fwb affair with no chance of going further. But the moment things were getting unclear, I'd just freeze, become paralyzed. It took me years, and unlike Bazz's equation, it took me 2 years for every year in the bad relationship to get past that point.
8 years ....
Commentary: I see this as a pretty over-the-top passive aggressive failure to deal with trauma. Had I had anyone in my life who were able to deal with that kind of thing in a therapeutic fashion, I might have gotten over it much faster, much better. Programming failure in expectation of possible failure is not healthy. The paralysys a priori prevents anything good from happening ...
I am writing this to maybe open up an avenue to pursue, not as a personal attack. It's up to you what you do with it.
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Post by Caris on Jul 8, 2016 8:51:05 GMT -5
I've been in a similar place for many years - in that, after my first marriage broke up, I was fine socializing with both men and women so long as it was firmly established that there was no question of a romantic entanglement or a committed relationship. Hell, I even had one or two sexual encounters where it was clear it was a fwb affair with no chance of going further. But the moment things were getting unclear, I'd just freeze, become paralyzed. It took me years, and unlike Bazz's equation, it took me 2 years for every year in the bad relationship to get past that point. 8 years .... Commentary: I see this as a pretty over-the-top passive aggressive failure to deal with trauma. Had I had anyone in my life who were able to deal with that kind of thing in a therapeutic fashion, I might have gotten over it much faster, much better. Programming failure in expectation of possible failure is not healthy. The paralysys a priori prevents anything good from happening ... I am writing this to maybe open up an avenue to pursue, not as a personal attack. It's up to you what you do with it. I don't even know how to respond to this unnecessary and unfair criticism of me. When I saw you had responded, I thought, "oh this is the guy that accused me of being a fake when I changed my username the last time I was here." I was expecting you to say something negative about me, however as I read your first paragraph, I actually felt like a kindred spirit, and related to your own past suffering...until I reached your commentary that accuses me my reluctance of becoming romantically involved as passively aggressive over the top, and not dealing with trauma. What? This makes no sense. How you draw your conclusion is beyond my comprehension. Are you aware that a passive aggressive actually harms others in a subtle manner? Where am I harming others? Yet this assessment of me (initially in the guise of one who relates...your first paragraph) packs a punch in your second. You have no idea the traumatic events in my life. You have no idea about how I've overcome...entirely ALONE...with no emotional support, those traumatic events. Your previous character assassination of me which came out of nowhere had me thinking, " this guy obviously does not like me, for whatever reason only known to yourself." I was willing to let it go and say nothing, but now saying I'm an over the top, passive aggressive who does not know how to deal with trauma, is not only not supportive, but unfair, and sounds like a passive aggressive manner itself. Whatever your problem is with me, I suggest you stay off my posts. I've dealt with enough assh*les to last me three lifetimes. Your commentary is neither desired or required. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 8, 2016 8:59:51 GMT -5
bballgirl, you liked his post? What part were you "liking?"
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 8, 2016 9:19:21 GMT -5
bballgirl, you liked his post? What part were you "liking?" This was the part that spoke to me: ". Programming failure in expectation of possible failure is not healthy. The paralysys a priori prevents anything good from happening ... " I hit like because it spoke to me and my emotional reminders that I need not to make any sort of statement on your behalf. I think for me because I am putting myself out there and dating and yes with dating there is a lot of rejection but I need to keep trying and not get discouraged when a man rejects me. I have gone out with three men in the past 7 days. I sent one a message which I very rarely do but he intrigued me, had a PH.D. didn't live far., anyway he messaged me back and said he wasn't interested, probably his type is thin, blonde, a certain look that I just don't have - fine. Date 1- good conversation but no call back Date 2 - I'm not interested in in blowing him off phase Date 3- last night he seems interested but no communication yet this morning like a good morning or anything. He may just want a hook up type relationship. Not sure. See lots of failure with dating. But I can't take that failure into my expectations for the next date that's unhealthy. I think that's what petrushka was trying to say. Anyway it's my interpretation and it was meaningful to me so I hit like. Baseball is a game of failures maybe that's part of why I stick with this dating thing. Also after two decades of rejection there is no man on the planet that will ever hurt me again. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 8, 2016 9:40:17 GMT -5
bballgirl, you liked his post? What part were you "liking?" This was the part that spoke to me: ". Programming failure in expectation of possible failure is not healthy. The paralysys a priori prevents anything good from happening ... " I hit like because it spoke to me and my emotional reminders that I need not to make any sort of statement on your behalf. I think for me because I am putting myself out there and dating and yes with dating there is a lot of rejection but I need to keep trying and not get discouraged when a man rejects me. I have gone out with three men in the past 7 days. I sent one a message which I very rarely do but he intrigued me, had a PH.D. didn't live far., anyway he messaged me back and said he wasn't interested, probably his type is thin, blonde, a certain look that I just don't have - fine. Date 1- good conversation but no call back Date 2 - I'm not interested in in blowing him off phase Date 3- last night he seems interested but no communication yet this morning like a good morning or anything. He may just want a hook up type relationship. Not sure. See lots of failure with dating. But I can't take that failure into my expectations for the next date that's unhealthy. I think that's what petrushka was trying to say. Anyway it's my interpretation and it was meaningful to me so I hit like. Baseball is a game of failures maybe that's part of why I stick with this dating thing. Also after two decades of rejection there is no man on the planet that will ever hurt me again. He called me passive aggressive, over the top, unable to deal with trauma. It's not the first time he's insulted me or used these terms with me. He has no idea about the trauma in my life and what I've had to overcome alone, with no help from anyone. I doubt he knows what passive aggressive means, although I'm highly suspicious that he is one himself. I lived with a narcisstic passive aggressive for 26-years. I'm a survivor of that behavior and doing my best to heal from it. To have someone call me this...especially on a support group like this...is at the very least NOT SUPPORTIVE, and downright horrible. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 8, 2016 9:42:05 GMT -5
I've been in a similar place for many years [...] I am writing this to maybe open up an avenue to pursue, not as a personal attack. It's up to you what you do with it. I don't even know how to respond to this unnecessary and unfair criticism of me. FWIW, I read those comments as criticism / introspection of his own actions, not yours. And that his own actions and self-critique might offer some parallel to explore in your own case. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 8, 2016 9:44:49 GMT -5
This was the part that spoke to me: ". Programming failure in expectation of possible failure is not healthy. The paralysys a priori prevents anything good from happening ... " I hit like because it spoke to me and my emotional reminders that I need not to make any sort of statement on your behalf. I think for me because I am putting myself out there and dating and yes with dating there is a lot of rejection but I need to keep trying and not get discouraged when a man rejects me. I have gone out with three men in the past 7 days. I sent one a message which I very rarely do but he intrigued me, had a PH.D. didn't live far., anyway he messaged me back and said he wasn't interested, probably his type is thin, blonde, a certain look that I just don't have - fine. Date 1- good conversation but no call back Date 2 - I'm not interested in in blowing him off phase Date 3- last night he seems interested but no communication yet this morning like a good morning or anything. He may just want a hook up type relationship. Not sure. See lots of failure with dating. But I can't take that failure into my expectations for the next date that's unhealthy. I think that's what petrushka was trying to say. Anyway it's my interpretation and it was meaningful to me so I hit like. Baseball is a game of failures maybe that's part of why I stick with this dating thing. Also after two decades of rejection there is no man on the planet that will ever hurt me again. He called me passive aggressive, over the top, unable to deal with trauma. It's not the first time he's insulted me or used these terms with me. He has no idea about the trauma in my life and what I've had to overcome alone, with no help from anyone. I doubt he knows what passive aggressive means, although I'm highly suspicious that he is one himself. I lived with a narcisstic passive aggressive for 26-years. I'm a survivor of that behavior and doing my best to heal from it. To have someone call me this...especially on a support group like this...is at the very least NOT SUPPORTIVE, and downright horrible. I'm sorry I was not aware of all that and I did not even have any of that in my head when I hit like. It was purely applied to my own personal circumstances. I'm sorry if it caused you any dismay but that was not my intent. I'm really glad you came back and I'll be more thoughtful next time before I hit like and maybe look at the entire thing first. Hugs |
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Post by Caris on Jul 8, 2016 9:48:15 GMT -5
I don't even know how to respond to this unnecessary and unfair criticism of me. FWIW, I read those comments as criticism / introspection of his own actions, not yours. And that his own actions and self-critique might offer some parallel to explore in your own case. It's not the first time he's called me this, only he was more explicit in the first. That is NOT supportive, but destructive criticism. |
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