Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2016 19:05:51 GMT -5
I'm struggling with something and I need to vent.
I've always been self-sufficient; I feel this comes from being an only child of a single parent. I don't like asking for help, no matter what it is. I'll do it myself, and struggle with it until it's complete to my satisfaction. Yes, I realize how stubborn this makes me. My husband voiced his concern about how it makes him feel: useless and emasculated. I understand his feelings, but I'm not one to bat my eyelashes and play helpless. I would like him to step up every so often and say, ‘here, let me help you with that.’
Enter the problem: on Tuesday, I am having surgery on my left hand, which will render my hand useless while the nerves regenerate themselves. I will have a difficult time bathing, getting dressed (ladies, try hooking your bra tomorrow morning with one hand, guys try tying your shoes or a buckling a belt.) Showering will be difficult. I won't be able to wash, shave or put deodorant on my right armpit. I can't eat foods which require two hands. Styling my hair and putting makeup on are out the window too.
I've tried relaying to my husband what he is in for. And all I get back is, yeah yeah, I get it. Does he? I have been the caretaker for so long. Between caring for my mother when she was ill, and caring for my husband, my household and my career, it's finally time to take care of me. But I feel guilt and stress for it.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jul 2, 2016 19:53:19 GMT -5
I imagine you know rationally that there is no reason to feel guilty for needing an operation and help afterwards, though I guess it might be interesting and useful to explore that feeling a bit more if you think it is a barrier to a closer relationship.
With regard to your husband, the proof is in the pudding. He might be great. Or not. But it will be a good opportunity to find out how much your need to be independent is really feeding into his feelings of emasculation. Or whether he feels that way because he doesn't in fact have any balls in the first place.
Either way, good luck with the operation, I hope it all goes well for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 2, 2016 20:07:12 GMT -5
Some knee jerk thoughts about this from past experience. Two things can happen.
1) you are going to learn how valuable you are. How much others depend on you. How needed you are. A good opportunity to restructure some things. An example for me was all those activities that the kids had to be taken too! No one " had" to go to anything! One or two weeks of missed activities, and no one would have starved or died.
2) You may be pleasantly surprised that others can make decisions. Others can perform tasks. Others can show you much affection,and care because your guard is down. Things may not be done exactly to your liking, but no one will starve or die.
Prayers for your surgery on your hand Tuesday. That everything goes smoothly, properly, successfully. That you have a speedy painless recovery. You have an opportunity to take in much love and show gratitude I hope it brings you much joy during your recovery!
A kiss on the left hand from me to you!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2016 20:11:09 GMT -5
@andie , I'm assuming that Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy will be part of your discharge plan after surgery. Do you know if they offer a few at-home sessions? PM me, if I can help you brainstorm questions to ask your doctor, nurse, PT, OT and/or aides that include showing h the assitance he will be expected to either provide or ensure is provided for you, during your at-home recovery period. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2016 21:31:03 GMT -5
Thank you unmatched greatcoastal and @zumbamami for your kindness, concern, encouragement, and perspective. Sometimes I loathe being a perfectionist. But I will get through this! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 2, 2016 21:46:54 GMT -5
@andie - I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts for you to have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery.
In regards to your husband helping you:
Don't hesitate to ask him for help regardless of what's going on in your marriage you are married and if you need help then ask.
As well I hope he will be proactive about checking on you and asking you if you need help. If he doesn't tell him what you will need from him.
I understand your independence and not used to asking I'm the same way.
Years ago I woke up in the hospital from a major surgery all by myself zero support from husband. He picked me up the next morning and I was folding laundry while he sat on the couch. He changed my bandages once.
Again prayers and a hug for you and ask for whatever you need.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2016 22:12:44 GMT -5
@andie you've got mail! I'll tell you what I tell all my independent and confident patients: 1. The H stands for hospital, not hotel. If something seems a little bit "challenging," turn on your call light. Every time. 2. Don't even consider "powering through" pain. You will be asked constantly how you rate your pain. There is no wrong answer, only right answers for YOU. Without going into a long technical discussion, your body will be healing. Pain slows down the healing process. Period. Additionally, the amount and type of pain you're in will determine the type of pain relief you are given. My personal pain scale is 0 = I'm chillin at home in my pajamas watching a movie and 10 = it's 2:00 am, dark and I just stepped on a Lego (0 = No pain to 10 = the worst pain you've ever felt) 3. Be brutally honest with everyone treating you, from your doctor, nurse, PT, OT, aides, housekeeping, etc. If you are in pain, say something. If you know that numbnuts is unreliable, as a helper, tell them. I cannot tell you how many times I got vital information about a patient, from a nutrition aide, cleaning person or candy striper, while they were just "talking" with the patient. 4. Patience is a virtue. Murder is a crime.  That last one is for all my "go-getters," who want to do too much, too soon, and end up slowing their recovery down. Usually, gets a giggle, but drives home the point that recovery takes time and patience. Then more time and more patience. Hugs! |
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Jul 2, 2016 22:32:57 GMT -5
@andie. Wishing you all the best on your surgery and recovery. Am sending you healing prayers and vibes. Hoping your husband steps up and takes great care of you. ((Hugs))
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 3, 2016 0:17:47 GMT -5
2) You may be pleasantly surprised that others can make decisions. Others can perform tasks. Others can show you much affection,and care because your guard is down. Things may not be done exactly to your liking, but no one will starve or die. This. Things will not be up to your standard, but they will get done eventually. There will be plenty of screw ups, but it'll be survivable. The cats will eventually get fed, the mailbox will eventually get checked, and someone will eventually remember to pickup more milk. Specific to your personal need for assistance, press the point and insist on the help. If you try to take it on yourself in frustration, it may signal that either you don't really want help, or you're letting him off the hook and so he won't step up. And for goodness sake, if you'd just alternate hands you wouldn't have worn one out! ;-) Best wishes for a speedy and full recovery! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 0:52:42 GMT -5
You'll see what he's really made of.
|
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Jul 3, 2016 5:04:01 GMT -5
I'm struggling with something and I need to vent. I've always been self-sufficient; I feel this comes from being an only child of a single parent. I don't like asking for help, no matter what it is. I'll do it myself, and struggle with it until it's complete to my satisfaction. Yes, I realize how stubborn this makes me. My husband voiced his concern about how it makes him feel: useless and emasculated. I understand his feelings, but I'm not one to bat my eyelashes and play helpless. I would like him to step up every so often and say, ‘here, let me help you with that.’ Enter the problem: on Tuesday, I am having surgery on my left hand, which will render my hand useless while the nerves regenerate themselves. I will have a difficult time bathing, getting dressed (ladies, try hooking your bra tomorrow morning with one hand, guys try tying your shoes or a buckling a belt.) Showering will be difficult. I won't be able to wash, shave or put deodorant on my right armpit. I can't eat foods which require two hands. Styling my hair and putting makeup on are out the window too. I've tried relaying to my husband what he is in for. And all I get back is, yeah yeah, I get it. Does he? I have been the caretaker for so long. Between caring for my mother when she was ill, and caring for my husband, my household and my career, it's finally time to take care of me. But I feel guilt and stress for it. It's sad that you are unsure if your H will step up and help you after your surgery. Hopefully he shows love and cares for you. Self-sufficient is good. But not in a relationship. You should need someone, else you risk being alone and unloved. Good luck with surgery. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jul 3, 2016 6:44:17 GMT -5
Andie, ask or tell. "I need this.. or that.." Some men need clear simple explicit directions, And then a reward. A "good job" or a "thank you, so much". Sadly, we are like training a dog... Also, bat those eyes. Please feel free.....  |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2016 6:55:41 GMT -5
@andie where are you? I'll help xxx |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2016 6:56:32 GMT -5
Balls. Chicago's a bit far.  Xx |
|
|
|
Post by adventura on Jul 3, 2016 7:43:36 GMT -5
Best wishes for an easy surgery and a quick recovery, Andie.
I took up eye-batting later in life, after my first "divorce" (we lived together for seven years). It can be fun if done with a sense of humor.
I had always thought of my independence as healthy, but some counseling sessions (actually a lot of them) taught me that in my case it was a way to ward off fear by maintaining control. I learned growing up with a mentally ill parent that other people couldn't be depended on, and taking care of everything myself would keep me safe.
Funny how in adult life I attracted man after man who needed me to take care of them and were either incapable or unwilling when it came to helping me. At work I'm the person you go to when you want it done. Very convenient for people who want to slack off.
I'm currently in counseling again to help me take another run at this. End target is to start taking care of myself first, instead of always putting myself last. The world won't end if the dishwasher gets loaded with the big plates on the left instead of the right.
|
|
