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Post by wewbwb on Jul 3, 2016 8:43:02 GMT -5
I'm struggling with something and I need to vent. I've always been self-sufficient; I feel this comes from being an only child of a single parent. I don't like asking for help, no matter what it is. I'll do it myself, and struggle with it until it's complete to my satisfaction. Yes, I realize how stubborn this makes me. My husband voiced his concern about how it makes him feel: useless and emasculated. I understand his feelings, but I'm not one to bat my eyelashes and play helpless. I would like him to step up every so often and say, ‘here, let me help you with that.’ Enter the problem: on Tuesday, I am having surgery on my left hand, which will render my hand useless while the nerves regenerate themselves. I will have a difficult time bathing, getting dressed (ladies, try hooking your bra tomorrow morning with one hand, guys try tying your shoes or a buckling a belt.) Showering will be difficult. I won't be able to wash, shave or put deodorant on my right armpit. I can't eat foods which require two hands. Styling my hair and putting makeup on are out the window too. I've tried relaying to my husband what he is in for. And all I get back is, yeah yeah, I get it. Does he? I have been the caretaker for so long. Between caring for my mother when she was ill, and caring for my husband, my household and my career, it's finally time to take care of me. But I feel guilt and stress for it. One more thing. YOU do NOT make anyone feel anything. They feel it for themselves. As a man (yes i checked before I typed that) the answer is simple. If he "feels useless and emasculated" by you doing the work, than all he has to do is, do the work himself. Then turn to you and ask "is this good?" |
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Post by obobfla on Jul 3, 2016 9:50:46 GMT -5
@andie, this will let you know one way or another to stay in your marriage. I had been sitting on the fence before I need to go to the emergency room twice last year. The fact that I had to beg my wife once and call an ambulance on the other, that convinced me that she was not the right woman to grow old with. You need someone to be there. If your husband can't be there, find another.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 12:29:31 GMT -5
wewbwb is absolutely right, @andie. Short, declarative statements like with "Please do xyz" work best with men. In every situation. It's communication with men 101. Just like a pooch. Sad, but true. LOL
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 12:31:36 GMT -5
Everyone, thank you for your kindness, wisdom, and support. I gotta say, for being in a SM shithole, you folks are pretty great. bballgirl and obobfla I'm so sorry you also had to face trying times in your health without the support of your spouses. What asshats. @zumbamami I'll take your knowledge of healthcare and physical and occupational therapy with me. Thanks for sharing. adventura you hit the nail on the head, and probably saved me thousands of dollars in therapy bills. DryCreek I'm a "righty" in that regard. Thanks to you and wewbwb for keeping me laughing. |
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Post by deleted on Jul 3, 2016 12:36:56 GMT -5
1. I hope your surgery will be a success and the your recuperation is pain and anxiety free.
2. Perhaps, he will surprise you in a positive way. If not, don't feel bad asking for help.
3. If you are receiving assistance from him, reserve judgement and providing feedback on the quality of his assistance until you are physically better.
4. See number 1.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 12:44:13 GMT -5
wewbwb is absolutely right, @andie. Short, declarative statements like with "Please do xyz" work best with men. In every situation. It's communication with men 101. Just like a pooch. Sad, but true. LOL I have the milk bones ready for reward. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 12:59:41 GMT -5
wewbwb is absolutely right, @andie. Short, declarative statements like with "Please do xyz" work best with men. In every situation. It's communication with men 101. Just like a pooch. Sad, but true. LOL I have the milk bones ready for reward. Milkbones are delicious. Giggle, snort |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 3, 2016 15:18:20 GMT -5
DryCreek I'm a "righty" in that regard. Thanks to you and wewbwb for keeping me laughing. Whew. Otherwise, H might've had to help with that too! |
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Post by obobfla on Jul 3, 2016 16:56:49 GMT -5
wewbwb is absolutely right, @andie . Short, declarative statements like with "Please do xyz" work best with men. In every situation. It's communication with men 101. Just like a pooch. Sad, but true. LOL I have the milk bones ready for reward. Bacon works wonders in regards to men, especially since yours doesn't respond to sex. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 3, 2016 17:17:15 GMT -5
I have the milk bones ready for reward. Bacon works wonders in regards to men, especially since yours doesn't respond to sex. Have some fun with it...  Available at Target. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 17:39:51 GMT -5
Bacon works wonders in regards to men, especially since yours doesn't respond to sex. Have some fun with it... Available at Target.Must get to Target before Tuesday. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 3, 2016 20:57:59 GMT -5
Back to your topic about being self sufficient. I found that when I went to the hospital last year,with a life threatening blood clot on my lung, I wanted to be left alone. Looking back I think it had to do with my upbringing. Like you mentioned yours. My father had his first heart attack at 36 yrs old. He later had 13 angioplasties and three triple bi-passes. He lived to be 76. You get a little numb after a while of, " dads in the hospital,again. And then he's back home again and on his feet like nothing happened. You are also told to " stay home, look after your mother and the house."
It's the hind sight that can be emotional. You think about the fact that distant friends visited you more than your spouse. You forget that they were home keeping everything stable, because you wanted it that way. For no one to worry. This plays into the training of give, give, give, and never taking. Sure, we all hear the message, give and you shall receive. Seldom do we get messages about how, when, where, and why to receive, to take!
Please do a fare amount of taking in the next few days, for the benefit of the whole family.
I feel right about this one.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 4, 2016 4:38:01 GMT -5
To agree with greatcoastal Sometimes by refusing to "take" from us is denying us the chance to give. |
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Post by Dan on Jul 5, 2016 7:07:04 GMT -5
@andie :
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR PROCEDURE. (I think it is today.)
PLEASE let others assist you; some of us have a challenge in knowing how to receive. (I have a hunch that ILIAMers may have a bit more of a challenge with this than the general population. If so: at least you are in good company!) It really is an important life skill to be able to accept kindness and assistance; consider this a "learning opportunity" for you.
Get well soon!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2016 13:38:30 GMT -5
Surgery time for our friend andie today! Asking for a smooth well guided surgery, and a healthy recovery!
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