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Post by lwoetin on Jun 30, 2016 11:38:33 GMT -5
ggold, I am curious. If you would have said "divorce" say 5-10 years ago, would it have made a difference? It is common that the word triggers fear in people (me included when I got told and vice versa). In general, I am thinking that it would be best to risk it all and saying it earlier so that an effort on their end is not too late (since you are already done waiting despite whatever change he makes).
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 11:40:21 GMT -5
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 11:50:26 GMT -5
Oh CU!!! I guess I did??? lol!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 11:56:33 GMT -5
Oh CU!!! I guess I did??? lol! Tough avoiding it sometimes.
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Post by iceman on Jun 30, 2016 12:25:03 GMT -5
In general I agree with your premise that a spouse who is unhappy with the status quo is more likely to exchange. It also makes a difference what their version of the status quo is and why the status quo is being disrupted. My wife was pretty content with our marriage as long as I was engaged with her and our marriage, didn't give her too much crap about the lack of sex but just enough to let her know that I still found her desireable, and tried to support her emotional needs while ignoring my own. Basically, as long as I was a good little boy and kept my mouth shut about sex and behaved properly it was all good. Now that I'm not so much engaged with her and and pretty much indifferent to her and don't bug her about sex at all or beg for any emotional scraps from her she's suddenly not so happy. Mind you, not unhappy enough to do anything to address my needs. She's unhappy that I will no longer accept the status quo. In her mind that's all on me. She doesn't need to change. I do.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2016 12:42:04 GMT -5
Mine appeared to be okay with it, but one day he actually said to me during an argument that he didn't see us ever really being happy, so he guessed he would just be unhappy and go without sex forever to make sure the kids were happy. I was flabbergasted. To make sure the kids were happy by going sexless? A model marriage of no intimacy, no communication? What? That makes no sense? sorry you have to tolerate such BS! Can't make this stuff up, can we?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2016 12:45:10 GMT -5
In general I agree with your premise that a spouse who is unhappy with the status quo is more likely to exchange. It also makes a difference what their version of the status quo is and why the status quo is being disrupted. My wife was pretty content with our marriage as long as I was engaged with her and our marriage, didn't give her too much crap about the lack of sex but just enough to let her know that I still found her desireable, and tried to support her emotional needs while ignoring my own. Basically, as long as I was a good little boy and kept my mouth shut about sex and behaved properly it was all good. Now that I'm not so much engaged with her and and pretty much indifferent to her and don't bug her about sex at all or beg for any emotional scraps from her she's suddenly not so happy. Mind you, not unhappy enough to do anything to address my needs. She's unhappy that I will no longer accept the status quo. In her mind that's all on me. She doesn't need to change. I do. Very well stated, thank you!
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 30, 2016 13:00:31 GMT -5
Oh CU!!! I guess I did??? lol! Tough avoiding it sometimes. Our wives don't seem to have a problem avoiding them. amiright guys
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Post by LITW on Jun 30, 2016 13:19:30 GMT -5
"My husband has acknowledged that living this SM is not normal and that it is an unhappy way to live. It hasn't changed a damn thing. He is content to live this way KNOWING I am miserable." This is the way it is for my wife as well. Despite the fact that she knows things need to change, she makes no effort to change anything. I would say it sucks, but there is no "sucking" going in in my bedroom ...
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 13:40:53 GMT -5
"My husband has acknowledged that living this SM is not normal and that it is an unhappy way to live. It hasn't changed a damn thing. He is content to live this way KNOWING I am miserable." This is the way it is for my wife as well. Despite the fact that she knows things need to change, she makes no effort to change anything. I would say it sucks, but there is no "sucking" going in in my bedroom ... No sucking in my bedroom either my friend!!!
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 30, 2016 13:44:38 GMT -5
"My husband has acknowledged that living this SM is not normal and that it is an unhappy way to live. It hasn't changed a damn thing. He is content to live this way KNOWING I am miserable." This is the way it is for my wife as well. Despite the fact that she knows things need to change, she makes no effort to change anything. I would say it sucks, but there is no "sucking" going in in my bedroom ... No sucking in my bedroom either my friend!!! Not until your womanizer arrives anyway.
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 14:01:44 GMT -5
No sucking in my bedroom either my friend!!! Not until your womanizer arrives anyway. So true Spartan!!!! I have something to look forward to!
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 30, 2016 18:08:01 GMT -5
I get what you are saying, NYArtGal about complacency, but I'm not certain I agree. By that definition, some might have said I was fine with it for a long time.
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Post by olofat on Jul 3, 2016 9:48:22 GMT -5
I would say it sucks, but there is no "sucking" going in in my bedroom ... There is in mine, and it still sucks. It's a periodic maintenance task, like it's on the list with doing laundry, weeding the garden, and changing the litter box. It's like jim44444 said about the weekly shagging and Pinkberry said about the cookie. Duty/maintenance action does not suffice.
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Post by olofat on Jul 3, 2016 10:20:08 GMT -5
If your spouse is also very unhappy with the status quo, you have a shot. If your spouse is fine with the status quo, you don't. Fine doesn't mean happy, fine means "it's good enough." At least if they're also frustrated and unhappy, there's a chance that they might work on it. But if they're basically fine with the level of intimacy and sex, you can forget them compromising or doing any work to make YOU happy. In my situation, my wife is definitely fine with the status quo when it comes to sex but not other aspects of our relationship. Recognizing and accepting the interconnections between the various aspects of the relationship may lead to the same effect: motivation to work on the whole may translate to motivation to work on the part that's not working for me (inadequate sexual intimacy) in conjunction with the part that's not working for her (she doesn't feel sufficiently treasured and respected (or feels resented)). The interconnection forms a vicious circle. For me, increasing sexual desire (and action) from her would naturally result in increase of the feelings (and actions) from me that she wants. But I don't think the other side of the equation is the same. While increase from me might lead her to be more *willing* sexually, it doesn't seem to naturally increase her *desire*. (Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough yet. Right, that must be it.)
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