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Post by nyartgal on Jun 29, 2016 17:12:20 GMT -5
Something on another thread lead me to this thought. Maybe there is a very stupidly simple diagnostic for whether your marriage has any chance. Or maybe it's just stupid.  If your spouse is also very unhappy with the status quo, you have a shot. If your spouse is fine with the status quo, you don't. Fine doesn't mean happy, fine means "it's good enough." At least if they're also frustrated and unhappy, there's a chance that they might work on it. But if they're basically fine with the level of intimacy and sex, you can forget them compromising or doing any work to make YOU happy. Or at least that's the pattern I've seen. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 29, 2016 17:41:58 GMT -5
I think that's true 99% of the time. But I would say there has to be cases where the refuser has a light go off and realize they love their spouse enough to meet their needs.
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 29, 2016 19:34:27 GMT -5
I think that's true 99% of the time. But I would say there has to be cases where the refuser has a light go off and realize they love their spouse enough to meet their needs. But how is meeting our needs any different than reset sex? Just more frequent? I contend that our needs are not just sex but also passion, lust, desire, a thirst to join our souls as one. A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging. Our spouses just do not love us as we need to be loved. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 29, 2016 19:52:11 GMT -5
I think that's true 99% of the time. But I would say there has to be cases where the refuser has a light go off and realize they love their spouse enough to meet their needs. But how is meeting our needs any different than reset sex? Just more frequent? I contend that our needs are not just sex but also passion, lust, desire, a thirst to join our souls as one. A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging. Our spouses just do not love us as we need to be loved. People do things all the time for their spouse without making it a bad experience despite them not wanting to do whatever it is. Sex is no different. This of course depends on the person and their willingness to be an engaged partner in the relationship. |
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Post by baza on Jun 29, 2016 21:27:55 GMT -5
If there has been compromise, if there has been genuine negotiation, if there has been understanding, if there has been consensus, then the marriage was fixed some time back.
It is highly unlikely that either of the spouses felt any need to google sexless marriage, find here, join, and then tell a tale of an ILIASM shithole.
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"Fixable" marriages get fixed (and long before they ever arrive here).
ILIASM deals aren't fixable.
That's why they are here.
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Addendum -
there are outliers (as suggested by Brother AngrySpartan) but I think the 1% is wildly optomistic. In the old EP group it was more like less than 0.07%.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2016 22:35:59 GMT -5
I contend that our needs are not just sex but also passion, lust, desire, a thirst to join our souls as one.
A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging. Our spouses just do not love us as we need to be loved. This. All. Day. Long. Sigh.... |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 30, 2016 2:34:04 GMT -5
I think that's true 99% of the time. But I would say there has to be cases where the refuser has a light go off and realize they love their spouse enough to meet their needs. But how is meeting our needs any different than reset sex? Just more frequent? I contend that our needs are not just sex but also passion, lust, desire, a thirst to join our souls as one. A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging. Our spouses just do not love us as we need to be loved. Absolutely. As bballgirl said last week, there is all the difference in the world between someone who is willing to fuck you and someone who really wants to. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 30, 2016 9:02:30 GMT -5
A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging... Perhaps not... but I would settle for that if it was an option. I agree with nyartgal on this. Some acknowledgement from my wife that SM is an unhealthy and unhappy way to live would feel like a breakthrough for me. The problem is that - for her - a SM is a happy and healthy life. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 30, 2016 9:59:24 GMT -5
You might settle for that if it was an option, but eventually that too would become inadequate.
On the EP version of ILIASM there was a discussion of women who were refused. By and large there are fewer of us than there are men who get refused, but we all had similar stories about our experience with reset sex. Several of us called it our cookie. It was something to be held out to us, like bait, and it was given with a great amount of emphasis on what a gift it was and while it technically "worked," it was supremely unsatisfying and all of us reported feeling resentful and not wanting it after a time of getting nothing but the cookie version of sex and affection.
To the OP, I think you are likely right for the most part, but there are exceptions to every rule. Mine appeared to be okay with it, but one day he actually said to me during an argument that he didn't see us ever really being happy, so he guessed he would just be unhappy and go without sex forever to make sure the kids were happy. I was flabbergasted. Sexlessness was his choice and then he had the nerve to act as though the state of sexlessness was putting him out somehow. I nearly gut punched him.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 30, 2016 10:10:48 GMT -5
Pinkberry, by my standards your ex was "fine with it." Not happy, but not unhappy enough to not be complacent. And yeah, he deserved a punch in the gut! For his gutlessness.
Complete passiveness = fine with it
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 10:46:56 GMT -5
If there has been compromise, if there has been genuine negotiation, if there has been understanding, if there has been consensus, then the marriage was fixed some time back. It is highly unlikely that either of the spouses felt any need to google sexless marriage, find here, join, and then tell a tale of an ILIASM shithole. - "Fixable" marriages get fixed (and long before they ever arrive here). ILIASM deals aren't fixable. That's why they are here. I hold slight hope for some in this community. Maybe it's just my nature. I, however, would not be here if my marriage was fixable. I am here because I am in need of support to get me through this life I am currently choosing to live. I am here to share and lend support to others. Whether we choose to stay, leave...whatever...we are in this shithole together. |
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Post by LITW on Jun 30, 2016 10:51:38 GMT -5
My wife has expressed that she thinks we should be doing it weekly several times, but so far has not been willing to back that up with action. The problem is the REASON our marriage is sexless ... sex just isnt on her radar.
No amount of forced weekly sex (even if she is the one that forces it) is going to make up for a lack of desire. I need to be wanted ... to be lusted after ... to have a woman touch me sexually because she WANTS to. I really don't want to be screwed by someone who is doing it just to fullfill some sort of requirement and/or just isnt into me.
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 10:54:37 GMT -5
A sexual mismatch cannot be fixed by weekly shagging... Perhaps not... but I would settle for that if it was an option. I agree with nyartgal on this. Some acknowledgement from my wife that SM is an unhealthy and unhappy way to live would feel like a breakthrough for me. The problem is that - for her - a SM is a happy and healthy life. My husband has acknowledged that living this SM is not normal and that it is an unhappy way to live. It hasn't changed a damn thing. He is content to live this way KNOWING I am miserable. He refused to figure out what is going on with him all of these years. Now that I have said the word "divorce" he called a therapist and made an appointment for next week. It only took him over 15 years....well, that is a bit too late for me. His problems are deep rooted and will take years to sort out. I am done waiting. I've worked too hard on myself to go back, only to be disappointed again. It all sucks, doesn't it??? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2016 11:21:51 GMT -5
Perhaps not... but I would settle for that if it was an option. I agree with nyartgal on this. Some acknowledgement from my wife that SM is an unhealthy and unhappy way to live would feel like a breakthrough for me. The problem is that - for her - a SM is a happy and healthy life. My husband has acknowledged that living this SM is not normal and that it is an unhappy way to live. It hasn't changed a damn thing. He is content to live this way KNOWING I am miserable. He refused to figure out what is going on with him all of these years. Now that I have said the word "divorce" he called a therapist and made an appointment for next week. It only took him over 15 years....well, that is a bit too late for me. His problems are deep rooted and will take years to sort out. I am done waiting. I've worked too hard on myself to go back, only to be disappointed again. It all sucks, doesn't it??? gold, I am going to call you " Desperado" for this one! " it all sucks, doesn't it??" ( actually if sucking WAS part of the equation, well....but I digress) It may be rain in' but there's a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you, before it's too late. we have seen the light at the end of the tunnel! |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 30, 2016 11:23:18 GMT -5
It does suck. It sucks the most when you are still trapped inside a SM. The minute you pull the trigger on your exit strategy you start to feel better. The day you or your spouse moves out it sucks even less. And then when you start having sex with people who actually desire you, appreciate you, find you irresistible? It is the opposite of sucking!!
The worst part is being in a SM. The good news is you don't have to be.
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