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Post by unmatched on Jun 21, 2016 9:23:10 GMT -5
So I have a question. My wife is convinced that we have a romantic relationship and a bond that goes deeper than just friendship. But if we were really close friends, with a long history together, and also partners in running a house and bringing up children, and we had a commitment to each other to keep doing that at least for the next 10 years or so, well, I can't see what the difference would be. Maybe I am missing something, but I could envision having a friend who I felt as close to as I do to my wife. What do you all think? Is your partner more than just a friend, and if so how?
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2016 10:03:14 GMT -5
Delusion. Or at best, a VERY different definition of "romantic".
Would the relationship be any different if you were her female BFF? If your relationship is no different than she could have with a lifelong girlfriend, well that's not really an intimate / romantic marriage.
IMO, if one relishes and seeks out opportunities for intimacy, *that's* special. When intimacy is an inconvenience or an annoyance, it's pretty hard to claim there's a bond.
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Post by iceman on Jun 21, 2016 10:07:12 GMT -5
She's much closer to friend than a wife, and certainly not a lover any longer. I would say we are closer to associates involved in raising our children, managing our house and finances. etc.. I can't really say we're friends, which is odd and sad. We're civil to each other for the most part but friends want to spend time together and do things together. With the exception of doing things together with our kids, it feels like we do things together only because we're expected to as husband and wife, not because we really want to do things together. It all seems very contrived.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 21, 2016 10:08:01 GMT -5
I can't simply "unfriend" him and move on.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 10:48:20 GMT -5
There's no real pretense in my marriage. She believes -- or says -- that we compliment each other. Except we never compliment each other.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 21, 2016 10:55:08 GMT -5
I actually wouldn't even say we are friends.
I get along with my friends much better than with the so called other half. He's not even my other 10%
He's a lead weight. An expensive 3rd child.
He's a fuck tonne of responsibility, a huge source of worry, and the most expensive thing in my life.
and he won't put out.
Remind me why I stay again!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2016 10:58:59 GMT -5
I actually wouldn't even say we are friends. I get along with my friends much better than with the so called other half. He's not even my other 10% He's a lead weight. An expensive 3rd child. He's a fuck tonne of responsibility, a huge source of worry, and the most expensive thing in my life. and he won't put out. Remind me why I stay again! Well, of course, you stay because... um... well, because... Yeah, I dunno. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 21, 2016 11:01:52 GMT -5
I actually wouldn't even say we are friends. I get along with my friends much better than with the so called other half. He's not even my other 10% He's a lead weight. An expensive 3rd child. He's a fuck tonne of responsibility, a huge source of worry, and the most expensive thing in my life. and he won't put out. Remind me why I stay again! Well, of course, you stay because... um... well, because... Yeah, I dunno. Come on man... Tell me. I wanna know ha ha. It's coz I'm a shit out who has no balls. He phoned today to say he is on the verge of walking out of his job again. I kind of hope he does. That was my tipping point. |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 21, 2016 11:34:12 GMT -5
I have been a lucky man in that I have had many close female platonic friends. So, let me compare the two:
I have had a child with my wife. We are the parents of one incredible son. I can't say that about my platonic friends.
I have had sex with my wife. I had sex with one of my friends many years ago when we were dating. As my friend is with a man who I think is the best thing that ever happened to her, I doubt I would have sex with her again. As for sex with my wife, it is very doubtful.
My wife and I are roommates. I have had female roommates (not girlfriends) who I got along with better. They were better at keeping the house.
I can tell many of my platonic female friends anything, including my sexual experiences. Can't talk about that with my wife, including our shared sexual experiences.
Is my wife my friend? Yes, in that I care for her and support her. I try to encourage her to better herself. But I expect more of her than I do my friends, and she can't even come close to my expectations.
But here is the biggest difference. If I had an emergency, my friends would make sure that I got help. When I needed to go to the hospital twice last year, I had to beg my wife to take me to the emergency room. That more than sex is my biggest gripe. I need someone to be there for me, and she can't be there.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 21, 2016 11:41:34 GMT -5
Well, of course, you stay because... um... well, because... Yeah, I dunno. Come on man... Tell me. I wanna know ha ha. It's coz I'm a shit out who has no balls. He phoned today to say he is on the verge of walking out of his job again. I kind of hope he does. That was my tipping point. If you don't walk out on him after that, I am coming across the Atlantic to spank you! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 11:42:58 GMT -5
obobfla That's terrible that she has to be begged to take you to the emergency room. I'm sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. Geez, even a stranger would do that much for you (most strangers I would assume anyway).
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Post by obobfla on Jun 21, 2016 12:09:10 GMT -5
@helentishappy, in fairness to her, she was worried about money. I had been to the hospital a couple times and found out it was nothing but stress. Doesn't excuse what she did, though.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 21, 2016 12:34:25 GMT -5
So I have a question. My wife is convinced that we have a romantic relationship and a bond that goes deeper than just friendship. But if we were really close friends, with a long history together, and also partners in running a house and bringing up children, and we had a commitment to each other to keep doing that at least for the next 10 years or so, well, I can't see what the difference would be. Maybe I am missing something, but I could envision having a friend who I felt as close to as I do to my wife. What do you all think? Is your partner more than just a friend, and if so how? All very true unmatched! I have said on here before that I have had a better closer relationship with room-mates and business partners than I do with my wife. At least roommates, laugh together, tell each other about sexual experiences, finances, fantasies, etc.. THEY COMMUNICATE! Honestly and openly. Even with a business partner you discuss finances, projected goals, expenses, long and short term planning, and ( a key word here) you have RESPECT. For each other's opinions, ideas, logic, thoughts etc... due to the detachment philosophy, marriage has become a," We Share The Same Address Only. WSTSAO." Some of the positive things that came from our marriage , was our drive and ambition to raise a good Christian family. Too much " family" can really ruin a " marriage!" . |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 21, 2016 12:36:02 GMT -5
When my marriage was ending but not quite there I remember saying to my therapist "but I'm so lucky to have a guy who loves me." And she looked at me, confused and said, "his behavior doesn't sound like that of someone who loves you. Would you accept that from a friend?" Meaning, someone who completely ignored my needs and blamed me when they weren't met.
Any relationship---romantic, friendship, work, family, etc---has to be based on trust. Trust that the other person gives a shit about you and cares if you are hurt, sad, angry, etc. If a person in your life repeatedly makes it clear that he/she really doesn't care how you feel, even if THEY are the one that made you feel that way, that is a relationship that should go in the garbage pronto.
I bet if everyone here looked at their lives, most of us would find out spouse or ex are not the only ones who qualify for the dumpster treatment.
The good news is that once you get rid of one toxic bloodsucker, it gets much easier to lose the rest!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 12:52:41 GMT -5
@helentishappy, in fairness to her, she was worried about money. I had been to the hospital a couple times and found out it was nothing but stress. Doesn't excuse what she did, though. To me, the fact her reluctance was about money doesn't make her look any better, maybe that even makes it worse. I wouldn't let my husband or my dogs not get care due to money. Even though he's my soon to be ex and even afterwards I'll always take care of him if necessary. |
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