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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 14:09:11 GMT -5
In my case, what iceman said. We're partners. He's not my friend. Any "friend" of mine who treated me the way he has would be out on their a$$. So, I'm thinking friendship is a gift, unmatched. Genuine friendship might be enough to make me want to stay, yk? I'm not sure if I understand the back story behind your post. Do you feel that your wife IS your friend? Only your friend and not anything more, i.e., not enough to make it worth staying? Just curious... And if you are friends, I envy that. For sure. I wish I had at least that. My husband is a partner in raising kids and keeping house, whom I also fear at times. Not the most comfy way to live. (To be clear, I don't fear physical violence, rather emotional abuse and his drinking and his "flip the switch" moods. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop here.) |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 21, 2016 15:07:59 GMT -5
I can't simply "unfriend" him and move on. Sorry, but this comment made me almost choke on my drink--- while reading it. Best answer of the month!!!! If only we could click that 'unfriend' button. LMBO. I know it's funny but also profound. If a friend mistreats you, you unfriend them on face book and block them on email, text and phone and you avoid all the places they go. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 21, 2016 15:22:51 GMT -5
We are pretty much best friends. I've always been the girl with only guy friends because I get along great with them. My husband and I are really great tag team with the kids, chores, shopping the only thing lack of affection and sex. So it makes it hard to stay mad when we constantly make each other laugh and take care of whatever we need... Except sex lol. I moved into our office/spare room and don't feel a difference which is very sad.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 21, 2016 15:47:26 GMT -5
Come on man... Tell me. I wanna know ha ha. It's coz I'm a shit out who has no balls. He phoned today to say he is on the verge of walking out of his job again. I kind of hope he does. That was my tipping point. If you don't walk out on him after that, I am coming across the Atlantic to spank you! He he. That's making me wanna stay  |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 21, 2016 15:59:27 GMT -5
My refuser wasn't even a friend. For example, if I came home with a work complaint, he couldn't just say, "That rat bastard, sorry you are dealing with it." He'd actually play devil's advocate for some asshole he didn't even know. I never felt like he had my back in any way. If I wanted to do anything outside the house by myself, he acted as though I was inflicting a tremendous burden on him.
My case was rather extreme, but truly anyone who describes their sexless marriage as romantic has a problem with definitions.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 21, 2016 17:30:59 GMT -5
@elle I actually do feel like we are friends. We still talk about what is going on in our lives and what we want and even about us (although talking about sex is VERY difficult/awkward/strained). We still like going out for coffee or going out for dinner or planning little adventures etc. And we are pretty much there for each other when there is a need (except for THAT need!). Yes, she has some emotional/intimacy issues and she can be quite self-centred, particularly when stressed or anxious. Then again I don't think I am completely perfect yet either!
But I have had close relationships with both men and women in my life and I am not sure they felt all that different. I guess I was wondering if somebody would come up with any differences between a romantic relationship and a close friendship besides the sexual connection, as I can't think of any.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 17:37:07 GMT -5
My husband is a partner in raising kids and keeping house, whom I also fear at times. Not the most comfy way to live. (To be clear, I don't fear physical violence, rather emotional abuse and his drinking and his "flip the switch" moods. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop here.) And you're hoping to love him away from Refuserville? I guess if it's possible, you'll need that pink hair to do it. |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 21, 2016 17:42:47 GMT -5
If you don't walk out on him after that, I am coming across the Atlantic to spank you! He he. That's making me wanna stay In that case, if you leave him, then I will come across the Atlantic to spank you! |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 21, 2016 18:03:08 GMT -5
My refuser wasn't even a friend. For example, if I came home with a work complaint, he couldn't just say, "That rat bastard, sorry you are dealing with it." He'd actually play devil's advocate for some asshole he didn't even know. I never felt like he had my back in any way. If I wanted to do anything outside the house by myself, he acted as though I was inflicting a tremendous burden on him. My case was rather extreme, but truly anyone who describes their sexless marriage as romantic has a problem with definitions. A romantic sexless marriage wow!! That's really mixed up feelings there , even reading it together gives me goosebumps. American Horror story lol |
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 18:22:58 GMT -5
Puts me in mind of a disenfranchised spouse back on EP (can't remember her name unfortunately) who's spouse claimed that the marriage had progressed beyond the physical and was on another (higher) plane altogether. Far beyond the point where tawdry messy issues like sex had any relevance.
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As the story unfolded though, it emerged that they had NEVER had a root.
The avoidant spouse had made a quantum leap from "acquaintances" to "married and on a higher astral plane" bypassing the tawdry messy sex part altogether.
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Still, the EP member had swallowed this bullshit, and chosen to stay, so fair enough.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 21, 2016 19:08:56 GMT -5
Your missus apparently says that she is - "convinced that we have a romantic relationship and a bond that goes deeper than just friendship" Brother unmatched. - Fair enough. - What is *YOUR* view ?? I think you know what my view is! |
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 19:24:10 GMT -5
Indeed.
After posting that, I went back through the posts and see that that question has been asked, and answered.
My apologies for doubling up.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 21:14:28 GMT -5
@elle I actually do feel like we are friends. We still talk about what is going on in our lives and what we want and even about us (although talking about sex is VERY difficult/awkward/strained). We still like going out for coffee or going out for dinner or planning little adventures etc. And we are pretty much there for each other when there is a need (except for THAT need!). Yes, she has some emotional/intimacy issues and she can be quite self-centred, particularly when stressed or anxious. Then again I don't think I am completely perfect yet either! But I have had close relationships with both men and women in my life and I am not sure they felt all that different. I guess I was wondering if somebody would come up with any differences between a romantic relationship and a close friendship besides the sexual connection, as I can't think of any. My thoughts are a little random, but here goes... I remember discussing the definition of intimacy in another thread. Is there enough intimacy (sex aside for the moment) in your relationship? Intimacy can go a long way towards feeding a marriage. Physical/romantic intimacy is the next level. Intimacy doesn't have to be physical though. It's that dropping of the armor we've talked about. But I agree, romance should include physical/sexual connection or at least the yearning for it, if not acting on it. What if you somehow knew that sex were completely off the table from now to infinity, is the friendship intimate enough to keep you? Would you yearn for her if you left? What if you found a woman who provided sex regularly but not friendship? How would that look? What if you somehow found out that THIS is as good as it gets?? Would your current marriage then feel good enough, if you learned there would never be anything better, on the whole? I'm just asking questions to help you think through this. I have to say, I teared up when I read this particular post. You are *friends* with her! This is a miracle to me. People are actually friends with their spouses?? I just can't even fathom this. It's beautiful. Truly. From where I sit, your relationship looks better than mine, but I know it's not fair to compare apples to oranges. Only you can know if it's enough to sustain your soul until death do you part. Personally, I've been using that one question "what if this is good as it gets?" to help me through lately. What if there is no one out there who would treat me better than my current H? Well, gosh, if you tell me that, then I think I'll stay. But, again, that's today. And I operate one day at a time over here. Waiting for that shoe to drop. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 21:16:47 GMT -5
I'm not sure you ever got an answer, did you, unmatched? There was a long stretch of my marriage where I did feel like my H was my best friend, but the romance never seemed natural or comfortable to him. He bought me flowers at the appropriate times and gave me nice gifts, but we never really had that extra thing that makes it a romance and not a friendship. Romance for me is about delighting in another person - their thoughts, feelings and of course, their body. It's that knowing smile across the room at a party that says they can't wait to be alone with you. It's that kiss on the back of your neck while you're doing dishes. It's that moment in the night when you reach out and put your arms around them and they snuggle back into your body. For me, so much of romance is centered on touch and that was certainly missing in my marriage. I suspect we all have our own definitions of where the line between friendship and romance exists, but it's harder to define than I would have thought. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 22, 2016 1:02:12 GMT -5
He he. That's making me wanna stay In that case, if you leave him, then I will come across the Atlantic to spank you! Better x |
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