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Post by ggold on Jun 19, 2016 12:43:33 GMT -5
My H and I went to a concert last night. I do not mind going out with him, but it is somewhat awkward. So, I had some drinks to help me get through.
The concert was great and very emotional. Toby Keith brought up military personnel at the end of the show and sang American Soldier and Courtesy of the Red White and Blue. I was crying. Just before we left I chugged one more beer for the ride home....was a mistake.
I don't know how it began or what was said to trigger it, but I lost it. I just lost it on him. I was a mess. So angry and upset. I went on and on. I told him I was going to consult attorneys over the summer, how I couldn't live this way anymore, how he cannot hold my sexuality hostage, how I don't want to end up like my parents did (separated after 35 years of loveless marriage), etc. I cursed, I cried, I was ready to get the hell out of the car when he stopped at a light.
He said that he thought there was some hope after our marriage therapy last summer. He blamed himself for not seeking out help years ago for his no-libido. He said he does not want to share custody of the children. He won't leave their lives, he won't leave our home (financially cannot do this). He was trying to hold it together b/c he was driving. He just kept driving around our neighborhood.
I broke down and it took me some time to get myself in the house. Thankfully, the children were asleep.
I finally got to bed. He texted me from downstairs that he loved me. Today, I feel guilty and like a horrible person. I ruined his Father's Day. My mind is spinning. I know he'll never accept this. I know that if I want out, I will have to file for divorce. I do not even know how I'm going to gain the courage to take that step. I feel as if I am in quicksand and sinking.
I apologized to him this morning. His eyes are filled with sadness. It breaks my heart because I really do care for him. I told him we will figure this all out and do what is best for our children and we will do so with mutual respect. I am so very sad.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jun 19, 2016 12:53:00 GMT -5
Try not to feel guilty. There is never a good time for those conversations. There is always some event that is impending. The good thing is that you are expressing your feelings. Both of you. And that can't do anything but help the journey that you will take from here.
Hang in there!
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 19, 2016 13:06:11 GMT -5
Try not to feel guilty. There is never a good time for those conversations. There is always some event that is impending. The good thing is that you are expressing your feelings. Both of you. And that can't do anything but help the journey that you will take from here. Hang in there! Agreed, there is never a good time for these conversations. Some of the ones in my marriage occurred around major holidays, and one of the biggest was when we were on vacation (he said the Talk--read: my feelings--ruined the whole vacation for him). Try to make it a good day for him and the kids. It is not an easy process, and talking about your feelings to each other is a start Best to you {{hugs}} |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2016 13:10:43 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you had such an emotional night.
It's good that you are honestly communicating.
Put last night on hold and enjoy Father's Day as a family if that's possible.
I told him I was going to get a divorce in Sept. and I didn't move out until January. There were ups and downs for those months. You have grieved the marriage longer, he might just be starting that process so there are a lot of different emotions you will both experience. It's not an easy process but hang in there and go after your happiness.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2016 13:44:19 GMT -5
A few things to think about here, all in the name of concern,caring, and love for your well being.
Drinking to answer problems. Not a good sign.
Drinking to tolerate just being with H. Not a good sign.
Chugging down one more to make it home. Not a good sign.
Telling him you are going to consult attorneys. You either made the mistake of showing your cards. Or like many refusers he remains in control knowing you will do little about it. Sounds like you need a mentor to be there when you make the calls and go for your attorney visit?
Keep a journal of what you said. It would be a good summery of how you truly feel. Especially when you start apologizing and backtracking.
He thought there was hope after marriage therapy " last summer"? Hope for what? Hope that you would change? Hope that you would give in even more? Hope that it would just go away?
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Post by ggold on Jun 19, 2016 13:48:31 GMT -5
A few things to think about here, all in the name of concern,caring, and love for your well being. Drinking to answer problems. Not a good sign. Drinking to tolerate just being with H. Not a good sign. Chugging down one more to make it home. Not a god sign. Telling him you are going to consult attorneys. You either made the mistake of showing your cards. Or like many refusers he remains in control knowing you will do little about it. Sounds like you need a mentor to be there when you make the calls and go for your attorney visit? Keep a journal of what you said. It would be a good summery of how you truly feel. Especially when you start apologizing and backtracking. He thought there was hope after marriage therapy " last summer"? Hoe for what? Hope that you would change? Hope that you would give in even more? Hope that it would just go away? I am aware my drinking to tolerate is not a good sign. I am also aware that I made some mistakes last night. I have a mentor in place. I journal everything. Thx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2016 13:58:59 GMT -5
The enemy ( every enemy in life) wants you to go back, instead of leaning forward and gaining ground!
You are acknowledging your frustrations! Restore yourself back by guarding your heart,and asking yourself " am I free to be myself? "
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 15:02:10 GMT -5
First off, a big hug to you. SM is hard, hard stuff. Meltdowns are bound to happen. Second, you didn't ruin his Father's Day any more than HE ruined his own day by playing his part in all this. It takes 2 to tango and you 2 have been dancing for a while now, right? Let that one go. Not your fault, just bad timing.
Beyond that, I don't have much to offer that you don't already know. Just keep doing the next right thing and you will get to where you are supposed to be. Hang in there honey. Tomorrow'll be a better day. Hth. :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 15:05:03 GMT -5
P.S. And of course you care for him! You probably always will, but that doesn't mean he's allowed to hurt you or neglect you once you've decided you've had enough. Go ahead, love him - forever if need be, but choose the distance from which to love him. Maybe it's from far, far away. Maybe it's near. Only you know that.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 19, 2016 16:37:40 GMT -5
Most marriages blow up on vacation or over the holidays because that's when you are forced together long enough to realize the marriage is over. Don't feel bad, it was going to happen at some point. Everyone is allowed to lose their shit occasionally!
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 19, 2016 16:47:14 GMT -5
First off, a big hug to you. SM is hard, hard stuff. Meltdowns are bound to happen. Second, you didn't ruin his Father's Day any more than HE ruined his own day by playing his part in all this. It takes 2 to tango and you 2 have been dancing for a while now, right? Let that one go. Not your fault, just bad timing. Beyond that, I don't have much to offer that you don't already know. Just keep doing the next right thing and you will get to where you are supposed to be. Hang in there honey. Tomorrow'll be a better day. Hth. :-) This 100 times. I'm not telling you not to feel bad. You're a good person with a heart, it is natural to feel this way. But do not forget why you had that talk with him in the first place. You've made your feeling known for awhile now, any hurt he experiences was brought on by his own actions. You're not bad for bringing it up, forget the timing or what today is. You're just a woman who has had enough of being neglected. If he's serious, he will do something about it. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 19, 2016 18:57:02 GMT -5
I know you feel awful, but this sounds really positive to me. The two of you have been chugging along, you knowing that you can't be intimate with him any more and feeling all this pent up stuff that you can't express, and him more or less in denial, and you reached a point where you couldn't continue to do that. That is a good thing! It is painful and horrible, but there is still love between you and the only way you are going to move forward together (whatever that may look like) is for you to be honest with each other. That doesn't just mean talking, that also means if you have a ton of emotion going on you need to show it to him. It might not be what either of you want, but it is what you have - you are a strong woman and you will find your way through this.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2016 19:06:49 GMT -5
There is not much point in writing a critique of what happened on the concert outing.
What happened happened.
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But from here on in, I'd counsel you to shelve any talk with him involving consulting attorneys and suchlike - until such time as you have done so, and got an exit strategy in to do-able shape.
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It seems very clear that he is NOT going to be a 'willing' part of an orderly dissolution of the marriage, and indeed is far more likely to adopt an obstructive position. Under those circumstances, best you run YOUR agenda, and keep it under your hat until you are ready to enact it.
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Post by 3000more on Jun 19, 2016 23:06:07 GMT -5
First off, a big hug to you. SM is hard, hard stuff. Meltdowns are bound to happen. Second, you didn't ruin his Father's Day any more than HE ruined his own day by playing his part in all this. It takes 2 to tango and you 2 have been dancing for a while now, right? Let that one go. Not your fault, just bad timing. Beyond that, I don't have much to offer that you don't already know. Just keep doing the next right thing and you will get to where you are supposed to be. Hang in there honey. Tomorrow'll be a better day. Hth. :-) This 100 times. I'm not telling you not to feel bad. You're a good person with a heart, it is natural to feel this way. But do not forget why you had that talk with him in the first place. You've made your feeling known for awhile now, any hurt he experiences was brought on by his own actions. You're not bad for bringing it up, forget the timing or what today is. You're just a woman who has had enough of being neglected. If he's serious, he will do something about it. Furthermore, don't put so much weight into Father's Day. It's a day. It's all about our own expectations really. Shit happens, you spoke a lot of truth last night, it is necessary. Hugs |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 2:02:37 GMT -5
{{{ ggold}}} All I will say is, you already know what you need to do. Standing in your own light can be the most terrifying, yet liberating thing you'll ever do. One day at a time, my dear friend. I love you. |
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